Friday humour - July 18, 2008

Davo is tied up this week with other business, so I’ll be your ED.


Most of you, here in Aussie will be aware that on Tuesday Optus lost
Queensland for most of the day. (Some Mexicans would say that’s a good
thing……..)

This caused chaos & no doubt $ in Optus customer circles. It seems that a
relay/transmitter at Stanthorpe, Qld decided to fail, this caused Optus to
switch use to the coastal link, where some clod using a back hoe dug a hole
and severed the cable. (Gee, I’m happy not to be him.)

One person telephoned a radio station Wednesday morning and said that
Tuesday was the best day she had spent at work because her place of work
was an Optus Customer and they had no phones, internet, ISDN or mobiles
the whole day and she had nothing to do.

Optus was very apologetic on Wednesday, which is fair enough. It is tough
having to predict when a switch is going to ‘drop dead’ or some fool with
a shovel, pick or whatever is going to ‘chop’ you off the air.

Something like this happened just last week up here in “Burnoutsville”,
just as we were installing a new server program. The modem ‘spat the
dummy’ and just to add to the confusion, a security patch from MS knocked
some programs for ‘six’. Frustration a plenty, I can tell you.

I can just imagine the consternation over at Optus-dot-com-dot-au on
Tuesday morning, especially about ten minutes into a really bad bad day. I
can see
Emergency Management Plans & Systems being reviewed right now.


My favourite this week is not humour, its an wmv of a couple of great
entertainers from the (my) recent past - just brilliant:

Louis Armstrong & Danny Kaye. – Enjoy!


 Click here


Burnout.


So now its on with this weeks fun and frivolity:


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===


This weeks stuff has been kindly provided by:

 Allnuts, Billm, Cartographer Chris, Croydon Caz, Davo, EJ, Geoff, Moose,
Nottingham Smithie, Phantomjack, Stonefish, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang, & your
Editor chimed in with a couple as well.


Condom Slogans!!


* Nike Condoms: Just do it


* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling


* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life


* Optus Condoms: Yes!


* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going


* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop


* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day


* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)


* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected


* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now


* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....


* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek


* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?


* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.


* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy


The following brands would probably not sell very well.....


* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That


* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....


* RTA Condoms: Speed kills


* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts


* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face


* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you


=================================================================


HARRY THE EAGLE


Did you know that eagles mate for life?


Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary,

his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't

return he went looking and found her. She had been shot.

Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes

of mourning he decided that he must get himself another

mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd

have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate He found a lovely dove

and brought her back to the nest. The s*x was good but all

the dove would say is 'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a

DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of

the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found

a very s*xy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the

s*x was good but all the loon would say is, 'I am a LOON, I

want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'

So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate.

This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck

back to the nest. This time the s*x was great, but all the duck

would say was.....

(scroll down)


No, the duck didn't say THAT


... Don't be SO disgusting!!!


The duck said,

'I am a DRAKE

you made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!


======================================================================


A snail arrived at the Dept of Transport to change his CTP from Suncorp to
NRMA.


At about 4.30 PM, the snail climbed up to the counter and started to say:
"Excuse me, could I please change my CTP to NRM.........."
(WHACK)..........suddenly, the Clerk brushed the snail off the counter,
onto the floor, and continued serving other customers.


24 hours later, the same snail re-appeared on the same counter. The same
Clerk thought to himself: ("Gee, that snail's back again").


Suddenly the snail replied: "...'Ere, what'd you do that for?


=========================================================================


It's comin'!!!!!


Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in
Bozeman, Montana,

while awaiting their respective flights.


One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a
Cowboy on his way to

Billings for a livestock show and the third passenger is a fundamentalist
Arab student, newly

arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners
learn that the Arab is a

devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.


The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table
and tips his big

sweat-stained hat forward over his face The wind outside is blowing
tumbleweeds around, and the

old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.


Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At
one time here, my people

were many, but sadly, now we are few.'


The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people
were few,' he

sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'


The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from
the darkness

beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .


'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe
it's a-comin'.'


I KNOW.... YOU SMILED.


YEH, YOU SMILED AGAIN.


Be sure to buckle up and drive safely.


=========================================================================


Two Irishmen were walking home from the pub.

One says to the other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way'.

'I know, but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus

home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot!'

They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus, while the

other keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, the look-out shouts, 'What are you

doing?

Have you not found one yet?'

'I can't find a No. 91'

'Oh, Jeysus Christ, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 an we'll walk from the

roundabout'!!


========================================================================


AAADD

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!


Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.

Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!


Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway,

I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.


As I start toward the garage,

I notice mail on the porch table that

I brought up from the mail box earlier.


I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.


I lay my car keys on the table,

put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,

and notice that the can is full.


So, I decide to put the bills back

on the table and take out the garbage first.


But then I think,

since I'm going to be near the mailbox

when I take out the garbage anyway,

I may as well pay the bills first.


I take my check book off the table,

and see that there is only one check left.


My extra checks are in my desk in the study,

so I go inside the house to my desk where

I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.


I'm going to look for my checks,

but first I need to push the Pepsi aside

so that I don't accidentally knock it over.


The Pepsi is getting warm,

and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.


As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,

a vase of flowers on the counter

catches my eye--they need water.


I put the Pepsi on the counter and

discover my reading glasses that

I've been searching for all morning.


I decide I better put them back on my desk,

but first I'm going to water the flowers.


I set the glasses back down on the counter,

fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.

Someone left it on the kitchen table.


I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,

I'll be looking for the remote,

but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,

so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,

but first I'll water the flowers.


I pour some water in the flowers,

but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.


So, I set the remote back on the table,

get some towels and wipe up the spill.


Then, I head down the hall trying to

remember what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:

the car isn't washed

the bills aren't paid

there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter

the flowers don't have enough water,

there is still only 1 check in my check book,

I can't find the remote,

I can't find my glasses,

and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,

I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,

and I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem,

and I'll try to get some help for it,

but first I'll check my e-mail....


Do me a favour.

Forward this message to everyone you know,

because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.


=====================================================================


Nice Doggy!


Good Dogs can be hard to find!!

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he

noticed amost unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.


A long black hear*e was followed by a second long black hear*e about

50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hear*e was a solitary man

walking a dog on a leash.


Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single

file.


The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the

man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a

bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this, whose
funeral is it?'


'My wife's.'


'What happened to her?'


The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'


He inquired further, 'But, who is in the second hear*e?'


The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife

when the dog turned on her.'


A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two

men.


'Can I borrow the dog?'


'Get in line.'


=======================================================================


The population of Canada is 32.5 million.

14.5 million are retired or on welfare.

That leaves 18 million to do the work.

There are 12.5 million in school.

Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.

Of this there are 1.5 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 4 million to do the work.

.1 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with Afghanistan & finding

Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 3.9 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 3.6 million people who work for provincial and

municipal governments.

And that leaves .3 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 228,000 people in hospitals and care homes.

Leaving 72,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 71,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer,

reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice !!


======================================================================


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.

2. He liked Gospel.

3. He didn't get a fair trial.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.

2. He lived at home until he was 33.


3 He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.

2. He had wine with His meals.

3. He used olive oil.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a

Californian:

1. He never cut His hair.

2. He walked around barefoot all the time.

3. He started a new religion.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American

Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.

2. He ate a lot of fish.

3. He talked about the Great Spirit.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a

Woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just

didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still

work to do.


======================================================================


Political Correctness gone Mad

Advert for new air traffic controller says 20/20 vision is essential...
then offers application form in BRAILLE

An advertisement for an air traffic controller is being offered in Braille
-
although 20/20 vision is a requirement for the job.

Bosses of St Mary's airport on the Isles of Scilly say they are simply
adhering to equal opportunity guidelines.

The advert for the post, which carries a salary of between £34,000 and
£36,000, states that as well as having excellent vision, the applicant
needs to be highly qualified to fulfil the demanding role of guiding
aircraft safely into the hilltop airport, which is often fogbound.


=========================================================================


Dedicated Deer Hunter


A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand near highway 481
in Maverick Co., TX, early one cold December morning.

Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub
w/ a tailgate feeder.  Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the
Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.

As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime, his
friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway
481.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his
hat, bowed his head and then closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was stunned. Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known,
and I feel lucky to call you a friend.


The hunter shrugged his shoulders..."Well, we were married for 37 years."


=======================================================================


Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could

take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us

take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and

went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we

are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


========================================================================


A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever
after in Toronto.   However, the poor lady was not very proficient in
English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.  The real problem
arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.


One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs.  She
didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked
like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got
the message, and gave her the chicken legs.


Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to
say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to
show the butcher her breasts.  The butcher understood again, and gave her
some chicken breasts.


On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.  Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...


(Please scroll down)


(Please keep scrolling down)


(Just a little bit further)


What were you thinking?  Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!


Now get back to your emails.


I don't know about you sometimes.


==========================================================================


A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:


'Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?'


The survey was a huge failure,

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!


=========================================================================


If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!


Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around

The nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum
speed

On the long corridors.


Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other

residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.


One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a

firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around

in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK'

he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.


As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold

popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to

him.. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'


As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of

her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good

grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that #### Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'


========================================================================


A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he
called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there
is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a
better idea about her hearing loss.


Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her,
and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the
den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.'
Then, in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and
repeats, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife
and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for
dinner?' Again there is no response.


So he walks right up behind her. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)


'Ralph, for The FIFTH bloody time, CHICKEN!'


========================================================================


Now its time for some didgi visual humour, these sent in by:

Muse, Croydon Caz, Arfermo, Digi Maria, Mad Mick from Marwick, Moose,
Whizzbang, anonymous  & a couple by your ED


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God save America... and Obama

Hmmmm ..........


  target=_blank>Click here
 Click here


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Glorious Gloria - My latest film on You Tube (Croydon Caz)

A Beautiful fox called Gloria


 Click here


&


A must to see...someone feeding a hummingbird...


 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here
&feature=related

=========================================================================

Bob Hope!

For those of you too young to remember Bob, ask your Grandparents!!! And

thanks for the memories............


I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.


Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:


May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003


*ON TURNING 70 'You still chase women, but only downhill'.


*ON TURNING 80 'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit

needs pressing..'


*ON TURNING 90 'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more

than the cake.'


*ON TURNING 100 ' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until

noon. Then it's time for my nap.'


*ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING 'I ruined my hands in the ring ...

the referee kept stepping on them.'


*ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR 'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's

called at my home, 'Passover'.'

*

ON GOLF 'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green

fees.'


*ON PRESIDENTS ' I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only

six.'


*ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER ' When I was born, the doctor

said to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'.'


*ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL 'I feel very humble, but I

think I have the strength of character to fight it.'


*ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY 'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it

got cold, mother threw on another brother.'


*ON HIS SIX BROTHERS 'That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the

bathroom.'


*ON HIS EARLY FAILURES 'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't

for the stuff the audience threw at me.'


*ON GOING TO HEAVEN 'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to

blow the hereafter on a technicality.'


Give me a sense of humour. Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get

some humour out of life, and pass it on to other folks.


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


=======================================================================


(We have had this one before – its timely we show it again. ED)

Who lives in a house like this?

Imagine who would have such taste and live in such opulence?


An American Billionaire?

A Saudi Prince?

Louis XIV of France?

The Beckhams?


Savour the pictures then scroll to the bottom of the page to see who owns
this Work of Art.

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This Mansion is in Harare and belongs to:

The President of Zimbabwe Robert Mugabe -

a maniac, mass-murderer whose people are

starving while he siphons millions into his own

pockets and the world stands by and watches,

including closest neighbour South Africa.


======================================================================


Concentration Test for Men


 Click here

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Motor Cycle Accident


 Click here

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One for the Girls!


Perfect Man

 Click here


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Dancing with a Man..................


 Click here


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Bubba n' Cooter


 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here
&_coota_01.jpg


From 'Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines' brought to you by

Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills.


1) Did you fart?

cuz you blew me away.


2) Are yer parents retarded?

cuz ya sure are special.


3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .

I can't hold it in.


4) Do you have a library card?

cuz I'd like to sign you out


5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?

cuz I can see myself in em.


6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,

I'd store my nuts in yer hole.


7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,

but beauty's only a light switch away.


8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'

Woman - 'WHAT?'

Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'


9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,

but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.


10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?

I think he went inta this cheap motel room...


11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.


12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,

we kin sleep til afternoon.


AND.. the best for last!


13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,

every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

=====================================================================


At last - Sarcasm Relief


 Click here


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Pole Dancer

 Click here

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A Tale of two Brains

 Click here

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Voyage ! Voyages !


 Click here

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Nature Extraordinaire

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======================================================================


Explain this to your wife


 Click here

======================================================================

India – Travelogue


 Click here


I wonder how many serve curry and chips after the pubs shut?

======================================================================


Drunk dancing


 Click here

======================================================================


Motivational Thought for the Day


This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa

 Click here


So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:


 Click here


You could look like a d*ck with buck teeth.

======================================================================


So... how did we do?


 Click here

======================================================================

Ball Girl Catch – Base Ball.


 Click here

======================================================================


COMEDY TO OFFEND ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE (Rude – ED)


 Click here

========================================================================


1967 Mustang Trike


This is one 1967 Mustang you have to see to believe, but wait it's not just
your ordinary average classic Mustang it's a Trike!  Yes folks a Trike as
in a 3-wheeled motorcycle with one-half of a 1967 Mustang and the
front-half of a motorcycle.  According to the owner the trike it took 2
years to complete this custom beast with no shortcuts taken.  It features
a 289/302 bored .060 over, T-4 transmission, 9 inch rear end and some
custom paint work.  As of writing this, the custom 1967 Mustang Trike has
a starting bid of $34,499 with no bids.


 Click here

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=======================================================================


Who wants to know a Billionaire???


Well - you know one! Yes - it's me! We are all multi-billionaires in
Zimbabwe - even the poorest paid. It is with much fascination that I came
into possession of my first $5 billion note today - so I thought I'd scan
it and send it to show you before I spend it tomorrow on a couple of
cappuccinos and muffins with a friend I'm meeting! It's called an Agro
cheque but is able to be used by anyone. They have been issued to pay
farmers for cash crops as the other notes are too small - there are also a
few more apparently - a $50 billion and a $500 billion. I imagine I'll get
those in the next few weeks! They are rapidly becoming necessary for
normal wallets too!


This inflation is incredible - fascinating if you take yourself out of the
reality of it and look at it as a case-study! I feel like we are part of a
history book in the making. We are in the steep part of the exponential
curve graph (for the mathematicians out there.) and we are currently at
about 2million percent inflation. That means that prices double roughly
every 2,5 days - and they do. Devaluation of the Z$ happens at an alarming
rate - feeding the inflation and being fed by it. This $5 b note is worth
about UDS 5 today but at the beginning of this week (yes, Monday) it was
worth double that. On Monday it will be worth half.


In the middle of April this year our biggest note was $10million and that
bought a loaf of bread. We went away for a month and on our return found
that most items had increased 10-fold (bread $100 mil). If you can even
find bread now, it's close to $1 billion - or $350mil for a longish bun
thing.
They try to have some control over the bread price. Most things have gone
way past that. Very few items are below $1 billion now.


I think we now have the largest number of notes a country has ever had. We
are trying to collect a specimen of each but I think we've missed a few.
Anything under 10 mil gets trampled on if dropped on the street - not worth
bending down to pick it up! ATMs and swipe machines cannot contain all the
zeros - so paying for anything is a real nightmare at times and getting
worse. Some places will take cheques but otherwise it has to be bank
transfers. The max cash withdrawal has just today been increased from $5
billion to $10 billion. Whoopee - can now get 10 things at a time in the
supermarket, instead of 5.


Oh well - just for your interest!


Any money collectors out there?


A mere month later and the information below seems like child's play.
Anything in the shops for under $100 billion is now "cheap". The
"longish-bun thing" (bread I mentioned below), is now $5 billion - if you
can get it (and you usually can't). Inflation is now over 10 000 000% ("10
million per cent" for those who are not familiar with big numbers!). Many
things more than double daily - often 10x at a jump. 1lt fizzy drinks went
from $5 billion on Thursday (controlled price I think) to $51 billion on
Friday!


500ml packet of fresh milk did this:

Last Friday 28th June: $2.4 billion

Monday 30th June: $4 billion

Wednesday 2nd July: $ 10 billion

Friday 4th July: $21 billion (and was the same on Sat*rday.)


We can now draw $100 billion a day - but everywhere is wanting cash, so
that is not enough for anything. Some places still take cheques but if
they are smart, they charge anything from 20%-100% extra to compensate for
the loss they'll carry over the 4 days the cheque takes to clear.
Electronic payment is available again (not everywhere), now that the banks
have finally managed to sort the machines out to handle the too-many zeros.
some banks still haven't figured it out and so one has to swipe the card
through many many times, 9 billion at a time, in order to pay. (Most small
shopping trips cost 500 billion - a trillion dollars. So work that out,
paying 9 billion at a time.). Standard Chartered has removed six zeros for
their purposes - what you pay in "thousands" actually means "billions".
They have done that to all their systems - so bank account balances have
an invisible 000 000 after the figures shown! i.e. $14 000 means $14
billion not 14 thousand!


A "Trillion dollars" is very common terminology now. 2 or 3 weeks ago I
paid $1,4 trillion (plus some USD) for my car to be serviced. Yesterday I
saw a
MOP (floor mop on a handle) for $1,4 trillion and a yard broom for $1,2
trillion. It shows you how fast things are moving. And those are not fancy
1st-world type mops/brooms - just the good old Africa wooden handle things!
I must take my camera and take pictures of some of these things - but it
doesn't look quite as amazing as it sounds, as the shops all state their
prices is millions or billions - ie. Take off 6 or 9 zeros, respectively.


It's hard to even keep up what this money is really worth, as it changes
daily. Tomorrow is a whole new week, but at the end of last week the USD
was worth about Z$45billion. So the daily withdrawal of $100 billion is
just over USD 2. There is talk of nine zeros being removed by the Reserve
bank in
August - but we'll wait and see. The German company that has been supplying
us paper for printing notes, is no longer going to do so. Hopefully the
lack of ability to print money will happen soon and that will curb
inflation.


Anyway, these are just numbers!!!! Ha ha!


Attached are the scanned $25 billion and the $50 billion notes for your
interest. (Print them off - they may even work here!!)


 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here


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What happens when you raise a parrot with a baby (has sound - Adjust
speakers)


 Click here


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Hooked on Phonics!?...


 Click here


A four-year old is learning to read.

He pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

'Look Grandpa! It's a frickin' elephant!'

Grandpa took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' Elephant, Grandpa!

It says so on the picture!' ..... and so it does...


(Scroll down)


'A f r i c a n Elephant'


Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful ???

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Flight Game

 Click here


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Defiantly having a bad day..

 Click here

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Quote of the Week:


Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people
who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale
Carnegie.


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[ End friday humour ]

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