Friday humour - July 11, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

T.S. Eliot one famously wrote that the world would end, "not with a bang,
but a whimper". I seems we are now needing to revise Mr
Eliot's work to "not with a whimper, but a snore". Our planet is getting
hotter, more acidic and more meteorologically violent. The seas are
rising, the air is getting less transparent, and yet the best the G8 can
do this week is to agree to consider reducing greenhouse emissions. Agree
to consider. Is it me? Is Rome burning? Is that a fiddle I can hear?

In the 19th Century a Cree Indian prophesied "Only when the last tree has
been cut down, and the last fish has died, will you realise that you
cannot eat your money". Learn about Easter Island, and think!

My favourite this week is the power tools collection, particularly the nail
gun.
 Click here Click here Click here

This weeks collection comes courtesy of Allnutts, Anatinus, Billm, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Diks, EJ, Front Range Barbie, KRP from Coffs Harbour,
Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Phantomjack, Roly, Whizzbang, Zalaga, and
the inevitable Anonymi.

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Siamese twins!

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar
stool.
One of them says to the bartender, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please'.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers.
'Been on holiday yet, lads?'
'Off to England next month,' says John. 'We go to England every year and
hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim'?
Jim agrees.
'Ah, England!' says the bartender. 'Wonderful country... the history, the
beer, the culture...'
'Nah, we don't like that British crap,' says John. 'Hamburgers & Molson's
beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so arrogant and rude.'
'So why keep going to England ?' asks the bartender.
'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

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I just wrote a book called 'Diseases in Cuttlefish', which is about six
quid.

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What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
---------
I was at a cash machine when an old lady came up to me and asked to check
her balance.
So I pushed her over.
---------
I had a dog named minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating
shuttlec*cks.
Bad minton.
---------
Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an angel'.
His mate replies, 'You're lucky ... Mine is still alive.'
---------
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; Bugger off, you won't bring it back.'
---------
Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco Machine. He lasts over
10 minutes.
'Crikey mate, that was impressive!'
'I get lots of practice' replied the other guy. 'My wife's epileptic'

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Jacob, age 92, and Henrietta, age 89, are excited about their decision to
get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a
chemist.

Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: 'Are you the owner?'

The pharmacist answers 'Yes'.

Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'

Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'

Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'

Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'

Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?'

Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'

Jacob:' Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundices?'

Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety..... the works!'

Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's
Disease?'

Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'

Jacob:' You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'

Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes. Why do you ask? Is there something I can
help you with?'

Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to nominate your store as our
Bridal Gift Shop.'

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A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back
and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches 'Can I help you sir?'

'Yessh Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr' the man replies. The cop asks 'Where
was your car the last time you saw it?' 'It wasss on the end of thisshh
key' the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of
his fly for all the world to see...

He asks the man 'Sir, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out ...

'Holy s*it ... My girlfriend's gone, too!'

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Woman's Little Instruction Book:

1. Woman don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
variety.

2. The best reason to divorce a man is for your health: you've gotten sick
of him.

3. Definition of widowhood: the only good thing some women get out of
marriage.

4. Always take disappointments like a man - blame them on a woman.

5. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about
other things, too.

6. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to
do.

7. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're
aiming too high.

8. Men are like buses - they never appear when you want them to and when
they do they're driven by someone who only has a learner's permit.

9. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

10. A man who can dress himself without looking like Homer Simpson is
unquestionably gay.

11. Don't bother going to the chiropractor to get rid of a pain in the
neck. Just divorce him.

12. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

13. Husbands are like kids - they're okay as long as they're someone
else's.

14. Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell
them apart.

15. Having more than one wife is bigamy; having more than one husband is
pure insanity.

16. A man's idea of serious commitment is "Oh, all right, I'll stay the
night".

17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the shower to pee.

18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually
find that he already is.

19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five
men - a woman.

20. There are a lot of words you can use to describe a man - strong,
caring, loving - they'd be wrong, but you could still use them.

21. Men are like animals - messy, insensitive, and potentially violent -
but they make great pets.

22. Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells per man.

23. There are only 2 four-letter words that are offensive to men - "don't"
and "stop" - unless, of course, they're said together.

24. Wait for the right man to come along, but in the meantime have some fun
with the wrong ones.

25. Always remind your husband that the wages of sin is alimony.

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Free Tickets.

Ihave 10 extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel event at the fairgrounds
next weekend if anybody is interested.

He's going to try to jump over 500 Obama supporters with a bull dozer.

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I have been a Holden driver most of my life. Only other Holden drivers will
understand this.
What are the three most useless things in the world?
The first two are the Pope's testicles.
The third ... a Holden hand brake!

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Now this is more of a riddle than a joke. It happens in the Simpson Desert,
but don't ask me why.

What stands in the desert on one black leg?
An aboriginal with one leg.

OK, what stands in the desert on two black legs?
It could be a normal two legged aboriginal or two one legged aboriginals.

Now it becomes more complicated.
What stands in the desert on three black legs?
One normal and one one legged aboriginal or three one legged aboriginals?

No it's a bloody grand piano!

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Kentucky Ten Commandments.

Maybe this is the way to teach the 10 Commandments today!
Maybe then people would 'get it' and it wouldn't be construed as religious.
Some people in Kentucky have trouble with all those 'shalls' and 'shall
nots' in the Ten commandments.
Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms..
So, some folks in Kentucky got together and translated the 'King James'
into 'Country' language..... no joke, read on...

The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Greenbriar
Presbyterian Church in Manchester, Kentucky) (1) Just one God (2) Put
nothin' before God (3) Watch yer mouth (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa (6) No killin' (7) No foolin' around with another
fellow's gal (8) Don't take what ain't yers (9) No tellin' tales or
gossipin' (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff

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Two blonde genies.

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde
genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy
makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and then begins to explore
the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down
and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing
there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a branch and hang him by
the neck until he is dead.

The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods
and it's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one,
'Hey, I can understand the first wish having all those beautiful women in
a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a
millionaire, but wanting to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

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Australian Etiquette

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take
your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so
as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook  especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back.. Some will say
11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
ends..
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have
proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a c*mmer-bund and
a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded
and the roo's in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to
ask her to bring back beer too.

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Water on Mars!!
 Click here

How big was that bang?
 Click here

Here's one I think you all will enjoy. Each time you play - the questions
will differ. I'm warning you, this can be addictive.
 Click here

Outtakes - Sandy Becker was a children's TV show presenter in New York.
 Click here

Another time waster ...
 Click here

Frog Leap Test - yet another time waster, but not so much this time.
 Click here

A Steaming Cup of Coffee
 Click here

First Time at the Opera
 Click here

Something to warm your heart
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Vandalism + Karma = ouch!
 Click here

If this isn't the craftiest eagle I've ever seen ...
 Click here

When Two People Do The Same Thing
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Billboard sign at Brisbane Airport
 Click here

The Ideal Woman (XXX)
 Click here

Mace
 Click here

Shutter Speed !
 Click here

If Cadbury merged with Nestles
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Pub Drive ...
 Click here

Crane? Ramps? Nup!
 Click here

The First Kiss
 Click here

A woman who finally gets it.
 Click here

Men In Training
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Surprise
 Click here

Cartoons
 Click here Click here Click here

Speeding ticket
 Click here

Can I borrow your snatch strap?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hangover ratings
 Click here

George W Bush Portrait (Xish - but brilliant)
 Click here

Proserpine train smash
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Dubbo: "Missed by that much!" (Nasty ending)
 Click here

Rare SeaHorses!
 Click here

More motivation ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Oyster farm at low tide (XXX)
 Click here

Flexible snake woman
 Click here

Bodypaints (Xish)
 Click here

I don't want to be a porn star anymore! (XXX but funny peculiar!)
 Click here Click here Click here

World records
 Click here
(the bit about the coat hanger isn't quite right ...)

American Presidential Campaign (and on and on and on)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

T-shirts for women
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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