Friday humour - July 04, 2008

[from Smithie at Bluehaze]

My editorial for this week........................

Since time began, and particularly since we learned how to write, whether
on clay, papyrus, slate, stone, or wood, there has always been a
generation gap, and if you read ancient scripts and in particular
philosophy from the earliest times, and all cultures or languages, the
message comes through clearly time after time, what on earth is wrong with
the youth of our time?

I happen to think that children are capable of very complex thought, and
being miniature people, for that is what they are, they merely haven't
learned the words yet to express their hopes, fears, wishes, it can be as
basic as "Me want" Later they become teenagers, almost a full vocabulary
now, and boy do they use it, but with raging hormones, and acne we still
don't take them too seriously, even as adolescents.

The elders of the tribe in all cultures would say the same, if that lad
went into battle he would cry like a baby, we elders think we have wisdom
commensurate with our age, and that our age commands respect, I will argue
that point another time, but for now just look at out politicians.

Twelve VCs have been awarded since the Second World War (six posthumous).
For me the Victoria Cross is the ultimate bravery award of all time and
all nations, to get recognition for anything in this country you have to
be beyond outstanding, I have no idea why, but if you look at a portrait
of any British military man he is unlikely to have more than half a dozen
medals after over twenty years service.

It is a British thing, we do not easily give praise, and even more so
awards for anything.

Now let me tell you about a young black lad, one of today's

 Click here

Private Johnson Gideon BeHarry was born in Grenada on the 27th of July,
1979. He was born into a poor family who struggled with daily existence.
He is the fourth of eight children, his siblings being given names, like
his, beginning with J. There are Jude,
Jackie, Jill, Jamila, Jeffrey, Jefron, Jade, and of course, Johnson.

When Johnson was a young boy, the family had to burn coconut wood in their
stove because they couldn't afford to buy bottled gas.
Johnson left school at age 13 to work around their village of Diego Piece,
painting and doing odd jobs. Johnson left for England in
August of 1999.

After working in construction for a while, Johnson enlisted in the Princess
of Wales' Royal Regiment in August of 2001. After serving six months in
Kosovo, and three months in Northern Ireland, Johnson was deployed to
Iraq. He was assigned to C Company, 1st
Princess of Wales' Royal Regiment.

On May 1, 2004, Johnson was driving a Warrior armoured vehicle en route to
aid a foot patrol that had come under attack in a series of ambushes. His
vehicle was hit by rocket propelled grenades, injuring the gunner, the
platoon commander, and several other soldiers. Johnson piloted his vehicle
through and away from the ambush, and, still under fire, pulled the injured
soldiers to safety. This honourable action earned him a citation for
"valour of the highest honour".

The second demonstration of Johnson's bravery came about on June 11, 2004.
Johnson was again driving the lead Warrior through Al
Amarah, when a rocket propelled grenade struck the vehicle. Johnson
suffered serious head injuries in this attack. Several more grenades
struck, incapacitating the platoon commander, and wounding several other
soldiers. Despite his injuries, Johnson was able to pilot the Warrior away
from the ambush area before collapsing. The first paragraph of the citation
read as follows:

"Private Beharry carried out two individual acts of great heroism by which
he saved the lives of his comrades. Both were in direct face of the enemy,
under intense fire, at great personal risk to himself (one leading to him
sustaining very serious injuries). His valour is worthy of the highest
Private Johnson Gideon BeHarry is the first British soldier to win the
Victorian Cross since 1982, and the first living person to be awarded the
Cross since 1965.

Johnson has remarked that the Army is the only career he would consider,
and his military service comes second to his wife Lynthia,
his childhood sweetheart and fellow Grenadian. Johnson commented that "I
will get back on my feet and serve again," he said. "I will be fine, and
need to look out for my wife. My injuries have not put me off serving
abroad. One of my bosses wants me to go to
Afghanistan to train soldiers there. That is ideally what I would like to
do. The Army is what I know and love; so it's the only career for me."

In part I rest my case, I have painted a portrait of him - perhaps we
should drop some of the arrogance of age, and remember we were immature
once too.


This week's contributions come from Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
front range barbie, Geoff, Moose, phantom jack, the great gussius,
whizzbang, and anonymous, if I have neglected to mention another I
apologise and thank you too. OK guys and gals time to exercise the chuckle

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax

and proceed to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asks the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight,' the boy replies.

The man continues, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

'Not exactly,' the boy says. 'But they aren't for me. They're for him.

He's my brother. He's four.

We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a

bike.  Right now he can't do either one.'


 A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn,
specifically to his upper legs.
 He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed
with second-degree burns.

 With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,
the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
 The doctor replied,
 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his


  The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

  'Mrs. Court, please.'


   'Mrs. Court, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

   When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a

  from another Mr. Court arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which

  is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.'

   'What do you mean?' Mrs. Court asks nervously.

   'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the

  one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's.'

  'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Court.

   'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests


   'Well, what am I supposed to do?'

   'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off

  in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'


A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an
Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in
front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes?  We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper.  Let's have
a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group
ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes.  That's a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
so we always let them play for free anytime..'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special
prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea.  I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why the f*&k can't they play at night?'


A five-year-old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch
together, when grandpa pulled a beer out of the fridge.
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a beer?'
Grandpa replied 'Can your pecker touch your ar*e?'
The little boy answered, 'No Grandpa, It's just a little pecker!'
Grandpa said, 'Then you're not man enough to have a beer.'
A little later Grandpa lit up a cigar.
The little boy asked, 'Grandpa, can I have a cigar?'
Once again, Grandpa asked, 'Can your pecker touch you're ar*e?'
The little boy answered 'no,' again.
Grandpa said, 'Then your not man enough to have a cigar.'
A little later, the boy came out of the house with some cookies and milk.
Grandpa asked, 'Can I have a cookie?'
The boy asked, 'Can your pecker touch your ar*e?'
Grandpa replied, 'Hell yeah, my pecker can touch my ar*e!'
The boy replied, 'Then go f*ck yourself, Grandma made these for me.'


A man drives to a service station to fill up with fuel. The guy at the pump
next to him spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.
He asks the guy, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I
haven't had a clue."
The guy thinks about it for a minute then says, "You should take them to
the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man and he goes in pays for his fuel
and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same service station. The
same guy is there again putting in fuel as well and sees the penguins are
still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still there! I thought you were going to take them to the
"Oh, I did," says the man, "And we had a great time. Today I am taking them
to the beach."


Some Aussie Poetry.

 For years I brown-nosed bastards from the Centre to the Right,
 I fiddled with the numbers and I suck-holed day and night.
 And when they wouldn't have me, waited for the next election,
 And then I bitched so loudly I was given pre-selection.

 And now I make the bastards pay  So if you need a deal  Remember who
you're talking to,
 Belinda f---ing Neal.

If my soccer boot has hit some bitch and got her in the ar*e,
Well what the f---k could she expect just lying in the grass?
And then the bloody referee holds up a card of red  And gives me marching
orders! Well, she wished that she was dead.

 I shoved my nose into her face,
You should have heard her squeal!
 Do you know who you are dealing with?
 Belinda f---ing Neal.

I married Della Bosca though I felt a bit above him
And I beat him up occasionally to show him that I love him.
All in all it's worked out well, he's like a railway buffer
And if I get a bit too loud, it's Iemma has to suffer.

But the MC at the wedding breakfast
Made a blue for real -
She called me Mrs. Della B, when I'm

Belinda f---ing Neal.

Now, that dinner by the waterside at Gosford (which I hate!)
The one they're now referring to as my Iguanagate.
I didn't swear (I never do!), I swear by all that's proper,
I never said I'd close them down or lean on a local copper.

 I only said, so nice and quiet
You could hear the church bells peal,
Do you know who you're dealing with?
Belinda f---ing Neal!

But now it's all been squared away, the matter put to rest,
Della's apologised to himself, the thing he does the best.
 "We're sorry, sir and madam, for the hell we've put you through,
 And if you come to visit, there's a free meal here for you".

 His one mistake was stamping it
With his "Della Bosca" Seal.
He should have let me do it,
 I'm Belinda F---ing Neale.


Next time you're writing that important doc*ment, remember the following
example of gilding-the-lily.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse
stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph
of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is
this inscription: "Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana
Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times,
caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.

Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:

"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
several years of his life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887 he
was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889 Remus passed away during an important
civic function held in his honor, when the platform on which he was
standing collapsed."



 1. know anything about a car except its colour  2. understand a film plot 
3. go 24 hours without sending a text message  4. lift  5. throw  6. run 
7. park  8. fart  9. read a map  10. rob a bank  11. resist Ikea  12. sit
still  13. tell a joke  14. play pool  15. pay for dinner  16. eat a kebab
whilst walking  17. pee out of a train window  18. argue without shouting 
19. get told off without crying  20. understand fruit machines  21. walk
past a shoe shop  22. make a decent bacon sandwich  23. not comment on a
strangers clothes  24. use small amounts of toilet paper  25. let you
sleep with a hangover  26. drink a pint gracefully  27. get a round in 
28. throw a punch  29. do magic  30. like your friends  31. enjoy porn 
32. eat a really hot curry  33. get to the point  34. buy plain envelopes 
35. take less than 20 minutes in the toilet  36. sit in a room for five
minutes without saying 'I'm cold'  37. go shopping without telephoning 20
mates  38. avoid credit card debt  39. dive into a pool  40. assemble
furniture  41. roll a bogey between finger and thumb  42. set a video
recorder  43. not try and change you  44. watch a war film  45. understand
why flirting results in violence  46. spend a day by themselves  47. go to
the toilet by themselves  48. buy a purse that fits in their pocket  49.
choose a video quickly  50. get this far without having argued with at
least 1 of the favourite for this week thanks Chris


HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):I wondered why the baseball was
getting bigger. Then it hit me.Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.Did you hear about the guy whose whole
left side was cut off?He's all right now.The roundest knight at King
Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.The butcher backed up into the
meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.To write with a broken
pencil is pointless.When fish are in schools they sometimes take
debate.The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.A thief fell and
broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.Thieves who
steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.We'll never run
out of math teachers because they always multiply.When the smog lifts in
Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He
did a number on it.The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes
was on shaky g round.The dead batteries were given out free of charge.If
you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.A dentist
and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.A bicycle can't stand alone; it is
two tired.A will is a dead giveaway.Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies
like a banana.A backward poet writes inverse.In a democracy it's your vote
that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.If you
don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.With her marriage she got
a new name and a dress.Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll
show you A-flat miner.When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.The
guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.A grenade fell
onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.You are
stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.Local Area Network in
Australia: The
LAN down under.He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.A
calendar's days are numbered.A lot of mone y is tainted: 'Taint yours, and
'taint mine.A boiled egg is hard to beat.He had a photographic memory which
was never developed.A plateau is a high form of flattery.Those who get too
big for their britches will be exposed in the end.When you've seen one
shopping center you've seen a mall.If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are
in Seine.When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd
dye.Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.Santa's helpers
are subordinate clauses.Acupuncture: a jab well done


Hormone Treatment...A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after
the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her...She was
a little worried about some of the side effects she was
experiencing.'Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really
helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started
growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.'The doctor
reassured her, 'A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of
testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''On my balls,' she


Electile Dysfunction:   the inability to become aroused over any of the
choices for President put forth by either party in the 2008 election year.

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.  The female officer
tells the man,  'Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you.' The drunk replies,


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard
her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's
home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied.
'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others,
about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as
best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been
watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes
with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always
wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope...just when it's raining.'


      There was this gas station in Newfoundland trying to increase its
      sales, so the owner put up a sign saying 'Free Sex with  yer

      Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked
      for his free s*x. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to
      (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free s*x. The
      buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, 'No, you were close.
      The number was (7). Sorry, no free s*x this time but maybe next

      Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time,
      pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free s*x.
      proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess
      the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor
      said, 'Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free s*x this time'.

      As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, 'I think
      dat game is rigged and he doesn't giveaway any free s*x'. The
      buddy replied 'No bye, it's not rigged-da wife won twice last week'.


A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible," said the doctor, "show me." The redhead took her finger,
pushed her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and
screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed. Everywhere she
touched made her scream.

The doc said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "Well, no" she said,
"I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor replied. "Your finger is broken."


Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work
to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another
in the dryer.
Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.  She was astonished!

It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have s-e-x'.
The night went very well..

The next day, she told her office friends all about it.
'We had a great dinner.  Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen.  He helped the
kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.  I really
enjoyed the evening.' 'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'


so paddy walks upto a brothel...hes up for some action, so he goes to the
madam "ahh lass...i be up for pleasurin a woman" so she turns to him and
says "well how much u got?" Paddy reaches into his pocket and pulls out $5
"ive got a fiver!" to which the madam replied "oh for $5 u can go and toss
off in an alley for all i care!" anyway, a cpl of minutes later theres a
knock on the door, the madam opens it and there stands Paddy. "so who do i
give the $5 to now?"


    Two gay men decide to have a baby.

    They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially
    inseminated with it.

    When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.

    A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and

    Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.

    A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out
   the happy child as theirs.

   "Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other.

    "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just
    proves the superiority of gay love!"

    The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
    when I pull the thermometer out of his ar*e!"


It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on
old war ships. But how to prevent

them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method
devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top,
resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply
of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the
cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the  bottom layer
from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations,
called a monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would
quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make the
monkeys out of brass.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than
iron when chilled. Consequently,

when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink
so much that the iron cannon  balls would come right off the monkey. Thus,
it was quite  literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass
monkey. And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar  expression,
didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit

 of historical knowledge to at least a few of your less knowledgeable


An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell

from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was

well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;

he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the

hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and

resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the

owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that

almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to

up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'


From:   Allnutts..... beware of identity theft
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Pics of the Week
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 From: Anatinus.................Advance Australia Fair
 Click here

 From: Anonymous
 Click here

 Click here

From: Burnout - Old Phones
 Click here

Rudd & Swan order Defence cutbacks
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 From: Burnout ..................Please water my flowers.....
 Click here Click here
Every home should have one.....

 Cartographer Chris next..................Please Ban Net Fishing

Help Stop Illegal Net Fishing As you all know, I rarely take up a 'cause'
that motivates me to contact friends and ask for help.
However, I'm an avid outdoors man and fisherman, and that's why I'm seeking
your help now.
We MUST be extremely careful not to over fish certain species and conserve
so as to keep the available stock at a high level.  It's every sportsman's
duty to keep only what he plans to use and pledge to CATCH and RELEASE what
he knows he can not reasonably consume.
As you can see from the regrettable instances shown below, indiscriminate
and wasteful net fishing is a serious problem.

Anything you can do would be appreciated......
This message is sent to you as a public service

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 From: Croydon Caz....................Parking Space
 Click here
 oops!  That wasn't there yesterday!

men see everything
 Click here
Serves him right too!

 Spain needs to get a new hobby
 Click here
 Serves them right....

 From: Diks.............So, you thing you're having a bad
 Click here

Aussie golf balls.........LMAO!
 Click here

 From: Front Range Barbie.......What can be done with a dollar bill
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

We must stand in awe of the work of superb craftspeople. These would be
amazing if folded from plain paper, but I am astonished at how the printed
designs are used for features!  Look closely. Enjoy!

From: Moose...........................................Killer
 Click here

 Click here

If men wrote agony columns...
 Click here

From: Nottingham Smithie - NEW ZEALAND PHONE:
 Click here Click here

A bird hatching (XXX - CAREFUL! You have been warned! This one is quite PI
as well, but fits clearly into the "funny - unusual" category)
 Click here

From: Whizzbang...............................................Cuban
 Click here

 watch your calories................................
 Click here

XXXX Truck... (that's XXXX not XXX)
 Click here

and finally...... A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a highland
stream in Scotland.
The gamekeeper spots him and shouts, 'Dinnae drink thon water min, it's foo
o' coo's sh*te n pish.'
The man replies, 'my good fellow, I'm English ... repeat that in English.'
The gamekeeper replies, 'I said use both hands - you get more that way.'

[ End friday humour ]

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