Friday humour - June 27, 2008

I assume you are all concerned with the price of Fuel both Diesel and
Petrol in Australia as well as overseas.
Whilst politicians of all colours blame each other the Oil Companies, the
OPEC countries, speculators in the market and us, yes they have now
started to blame the consumer.
I’m one of those who lived through the 1970’s “Oil Shock” and have heard
all this ‘doom saying’ before. (I actually drove a V8 right through this
period.)

What can be done about the price of Crude form the producers point of view,
very little, OPEC cannot increase capacity very much as it takes years to
build the infrastructure and bring it one line, (even if they can pump
more Crude from available sources).
What can be done from a political point of view; not much, the Australian
Government is wedded to the double tax (Excise & GST) we pay Federally for
fuel and States to their sales taxes.
The Federal Govt will never remove excise from Fuel. They want the revenue!
Anyhow if they do, we will have to pay the piper in carbon tax in a year or
two as part of the Govt Greenhouse commitment caused when they splattered
some ink on the bottom of Kyoto. We will have to pay between 15 and 30
cents per litre carbon tax on fuel when these taxes hit in 2010, if Rudd
removed the Excise &
GST now, we would have to pay it back in the carbon tax then, in just
eighteen months or so.

Politicians are talking about the world food crisis and people in the third
world staving and going without food, some claim this is because some
countries are paying their farmers not to grow crops in the form of
subsidies or are selling crops to be used as fuels such as E10 or E85.
World Wheat prices, Rice, Corn, Pork Bellies etc are all moving up, some
astronomically, world food stocks have fallen as developing countries buy
more protein from developing countries from income they have earned in the
last decade.
Well get used to it – food is going to cost a lot more, imagine for a
moment you live in Sydney, you go down to a shop and buy a kilo of
potatoes. These spuds were grown in Tasmania, the farmer used Diesel fuel
to produce the spuds and cart them to market in town. The buyer used the
same fuel to cart them to Port
Bernie, where they where loaded on a ship for Sydney powered by Crude……..
and so it goes on till we get to the shop where you brought them and you
most likely drove there.

It was announced yesterday that a steel manufacturing company in China has
signed a new deal with Rio for Iron Ore which pays a huge premium over the
existing contract price. To say that this will push up world steel costs
would be obvious to say the least.
Steel is one of the defining staples of our modern community both in this
century and the last. Just think about where steels are used in our
communities now and consider the cost price push resulting from this one
deal between RIO and the Chinese.

Expect life to get a lot more expensive. It happened 30 years ago.

So before we get onto the amusements take the time to read one idea on Fuel
sent in by Stonefish.

Burnout.


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Stonefish

Fuel: The Mass Debate

Or How to Knock About 50c a Litre Off the Price Of Fuel
First and foremost this debate should be centred on Diesel NOT Unleaded.
Why? You may ask. Just look at the increase in supermarket prices for your
answer. While it may cost you $5 or $10 extra to fill your tank everything
that is transported (which is everything) rises as Diesel rises. My average
basket at the supermarket per week has increased on average $30 and that's
for one person. Australia's whole economy is tied to Diesel and therefore
it should be afforded the same priority and status as water i. e. an
essential commodity.
I own a small transport company and I have had to significantly raise my
prices twice in the past year just to maintain profit margins. This cost
you money too.

I am compelled to write this letter because I am sick of all the
namby-pamby pussyfooting around everyone seems to be doing about the
current fuel debate. I have spent considerable time researching this area
because it affects my income. Contained herein is the WHOLE truth about
the debate, the WHOLE big picture, if you will. NO-ONE till now has had
the testicular fortitude to stick their necks out and present the WHOLE
argument about just how much we are being RIPPED OFF. If you want the
truth and the WHOLE truth read on.
DON'T - Listen to spin doctors from the oil companies. THEY HAVE A
VESTED INTREST TO KEEP FUEL PRICES HIGH.

DON'T - Listen to the government - state or federal. THEY HAVE A VESTED
INTREST TO KEEP FUEL PRICES HIGH.

DON'T - pay too much attention to news or current affairs programs. THEY
HAVE THEIR OWN AGENDAS.

So here we go, how to make fuel cheaper!

FIRSTLY - DISBAND FUEL PARITY
Parity, for those that don't know, is government sanctioned price fixing
(simple as that). Parity allows fuel companies to sell their products for
the highest current price they find in the Asia Pacific region. It
completely disregards supply and demand economics and eliminates any need
for competition amongst themselves.
Don't believe me? Just look at the price of Diesel. If you remember growing
up when Diesel was always 10-15c p/l cheaper than Petrol you might
understand this more.

How can a product that costs far less to produce (partially a by-product of
producing Unleaded as well) and a product that Australia uses more of than
any other fuel be MORE EXPENSIVE than Unleaded? Simple, ring
Singapore, where they don't use a lot of Diesel and import all their fuel,
find out how much it's selling for there and charge the same here

- sound fair? NOT!

Any other industry who tried this one would be hauled of to the High
Court quick smart and prosecuted for price fixing! Oh but hang on, our
government ALLOWS them to do this

NUMBER TWO - BARRELL PRICE

That price the news loves to show us each night is the PREMIUM GRADE crude
oil price. Australian oil companies DO NOT buy PREMIUM GRADE crude oil! In
fact Australia produces around 70% of its own oil and imports about 30%.
The cost of production per litre produced here is cheaper than that of
imported fuel, but in no way is this factored into the pump price, because
they don't need to (SEE PARITY ABOVE) we pay a pump price based on PREMIUM
GRADE crude oil price the same as if we imported all of it, say somewhere
like Singapore! Starting to get the picture?

NUMBER THREE - LEVIES

Everyone knows that both State and Federal Governments take a large slice
of the cost of a litre of fuel. This equates in total to about 46% of the
price per litre. This money is used for infrastructure, road trauma etc.
etc. so fair enough right? WRONG!

What is wrong is that it is a PERCENATGE! Look at this. If a litre of fuel
costs $1.00 then the Government gets 46c p/l, right? A week later fuel
rises to $1.10 p/l; the Government gets 50.6c p/l, bingo! Something tells
me that in one week, their costs, IN NO WAY have gone up 9%!
As I stated previously - THE GOVERNMENT HAS A VESTED INTREST TO KEEP
FUEL PRICES HIGH. THEY MAKE LOTS MORE FREE MONEY! Why else do they allow
fuel companies to maintain PARITY?
If they changed the tax (sorry, levy) to a flat rate tied to the GDP then
the fuel price would drop drastically and immediately!

NUMBER FOUR - GST - THE DOUBLE DIPP

Now this one is outright "THIEVERY" and also applies to cigarettes and
alcohol.

GST = Goods and Services Tax, correct?

46% or 46c in every dollar in the price of a litre of fuel is TAX (sorry;
again, LEVY).

What part of LEVY is a good or a service? YOU CANNOT TAX, TAX RIGHT?
WRONG!

You do the math.
Say fuel costs $1.00 p/l - the GST component = 9c
But hang on a minute 46% or 46c of this is TAX!
i. e., 4.14c of the GST is ILLEGALLY CHARGED ON THE TAX COMPONENT! Not much
you say?

FOR EVERY LITRE SOLD IN AUSTRALIA EVERY DAY!
That equates to millions of free dollars for the Government! I'll say it
one more time - THE GOVERNMENT HAS A VESTED INTREST TO KEEP FUEL PRICES
HIGH. THEY MAKE LOTS MORE FREE MONEY!

The GST on fuel should be 5.4% not 10%. At $1.75 p/l this would drop the
current price by around 8c p/l.
Feeling a little annoyed? You should be!
Even without disbanding parity and introducing real competition among fuel
companies, you should be paying about 40c less per litre!

My name is Graeme Strempel, (gusto1@arach.net.au) and I run a small
transport business, I happily welcome anyone, Government and fuel
companies included to prove me wrong.

If you feel strongly about this issue then pass this missive on to everyone
in your address book. Eventually someone might take notice.

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Allnutts reckons this might help Qantas out - even if it would not satisfy
the striking engineers!!

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What
the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party
atmosphere" going in the cabin. And,
of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again,
hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus
saving even more money.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked
women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline
industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
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Anonymous sent us English retail
Two Englishmen in London sit down for a break just inside the open door of
their soon-to-be new store.
As of yet the store isn't ready; the shelves remain empty.

One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist will walk
by, put his face in the door and ask what we are selling".

Sure enough, a curious Scotsmen walks up, has a peek, and in a broad accent
asks, "Wit ye sellin here?"

One of them replies, "We're selling ar*eholes".

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsmen says, "You're doin well then....only
two left!"

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Your ED tossed this gem in the mix:

Quasimodo, busily ringing huge bell on top of tower, is suddenly confronted
by a strong gust of wind. Quasimodo loses his footing , gets smacked in the
face by the bell, and plummets to the courtyard and lands face-up, dead.
Louis XIV, walking along courtyard with his guards, looks down at the
crumpled heap and says: "Does anyone know this man? One guard replies:
"I'm not sure, but his face rings a bell!"

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And this:

(Englishman, Scotchman, and Irishman opening lunches at work)
ENGLISHMAN: "Not baked beans again! If I have baked beans again, I'll
commit suicide!" "I've had baked beans every day for 16 years!"
SCOTCHMAN: "Not haggis again!, if I have haggis again, I'll join you!"
"I've had haggis every day for 26 years!"
IRISHMAN: "Not potato soup again! if I have this again tomorrow, I'll go
with you!" "I've had potato soup every day for 36 years!"
(Next day, sure enough, they all get the same food; So all three go up to
the railway bridge and commit suicide) (At funeral, 3 days later)
ENGLISHMAN'S WIDOW: "If I'd known Edward hated it this much, I wouldn't
have kept giving it to him!
SCOTCHMAN'S WIDOW: "If I'd known Jock hated his this much, I'd have never
kept giving it to him either!"
IRISHMAN'S WIDOW (really, really distraught): "Poor old Paddy, He always
made his own lunch!"

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Golfing Dictionary

Tee Shots
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Robin Cook - just died on the hill
A Sally Gunnell - ugly but a good runner
A Paula Radcliffe - not as ugly as a Sally Gunnell but still a good runner

Sand bunker Shots
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
An Eva Braun - picked up in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand

Striking the Golf Ball
A Russell Grant - a fat iron
A Peter Mandelson - an unbelievable iron
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
A circus tent - a big top
An O.J. Simpson - got away with it
A Condom - safe but didn't feel real good

Approach Shots
A Michael Jackson - gradually fading
An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
A Ken Livingstone - quite far left
A Jean-Marie LePen - a long way right
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
A Sister-in-Law - you're up there but you know you shouldn't be

Putts
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
A Diego Maradona - a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Kings Corner Dancer - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
An Issan Girl - boy that cup has big lips
A South American - needs one more revolution
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim

Match Play
A Thai Bar Girl - an expensive round
A Thai Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems


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Not to be left out Cartographer Chris chimed in with:

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag."

" Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if
I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. You see, my backyard backs up to the
parking lot of ‘Lambeau Field’. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."


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Diks sent in this gem:

Blind Bunny.........

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over
a large snake and fell, kerrplop right on his twitchy little nose.

"Oh please excuse me," said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but
I'm blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my
fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you
coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never
seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and
cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear
twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of
animal are you?"

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to
examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, "Well, what
kind of an animal am I?"

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're cold, you're
slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a POLITICIAN"


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EJ sent these: (Don’t yell EJ, we can all hear you – ED)

DEFINITIONS:-
MAN                    A CREATURE WHICH EMERGES FROM AN ORIFICE AND
                       SPENDS THE REST OF HIS LIFE TRYING TO GET BACK IN.

HORMONES               SOUNDS HEARD IN A BROTHEL.

And this

SKINS

MRS. JONES LIVES IN AN OLD SUBURBAN STREET, SHE KEEPS GEESE IN HER BACK
YARD.
RECENTLY A TWO STORY BLOCK OF FLATS HAS BEEN BUILT BEYOND HER BACK FENCE.
ON
THE UPPER FLOOR LIVES A YOUNG MAN. MRS. JONES HAS NOTICED THAT HE BRINGS
HOME
LOVELY YOUNG LADIES. HE DOES NOT BOTHER TO DRAW THE CURTAINS. SHE KNOWS
WHAT'S
GOING ON BUT HAS A PROBLEM AND SENDS A LETTER TO THE YOUNG MAN. ""I KNOW
THAT
YOU ARE ENJOYING THE FRUITS OF LOVE, BUT DON'T THROW THE SKINS OVER THE
FENCE
AS MY GEESE ARE CHOKING ON THEM"

And this:

An Arab was interviewed at the US embassy;
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : Both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........ isn't it hostile?
Arab : Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh.......... dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast...

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Not to be out done KRP from Coffs Harbour submitted:

Contribution

A little old lady looked out her window one day and was surprised to see a
pack of male dogs in her yard in amorous pursuit of a female.

She called the police and told the duty sergeant, "Officer, there are nine
dogs out in my yard."

The cop, thinking he would kid her a bit, said, "My goodness, are they
angry?"

She looked out the window again and said, "Well, right now seven of them
are."

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Nottingham Smithie is obviously finding his own Politicians as dull as
dishwater has taken an interest in US Politics:

Thanks From Obama

My fellow Americans:

As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for your mindless
support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my
pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi,
my ability to pay attention in church, or my blatantly leftist voting
record while
I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.

I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal
behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming
Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of
hope shining over a sea of political posing. I would also like to thank
the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour
behind the Kennedy name,
even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally
wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy killed a female employee with
whom he was having an extra marital affair and who was pregnant with his
child. And
I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively.
And
I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless
empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.
Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or
achievement in anything other than professional activism, but because I
make people feel good and feeling good is good. Voting for me also causes
some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt. I say
things that sound meaningful,
but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having
meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about
them.
Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain, and open
up the heart. So when you go to vote, remember, don't think, go with your
emotions, just do it, and do it for me. Thank You. Barack Hussein Obama,
Jr.

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And This:

John Hinckley...........
2008/06/4 Bill Clinton's Letter To John Hinckley

For those of you who may not be completely aware of John Hinckley, who he
is,
what he did, and why, here's a little history. John Hinckley was a
seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan many years back.
John was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and extremely
jealous as well, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point
that to make himself known to her, attempted to assassinate President
Reagan.

With that in mind... the staff at the mental facility treating John
Hinckley reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:

To: John Hinckley

From: Bill Clinton

Dear John,

Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our
country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know
there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad
throughout the land.

Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for
shooting
President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and
pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I
are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to
your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.

Best wishes,

Bill & Hillary Clinton

PS: Barack Obama is screwing Jodie Foster.

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Nottingham Smithie wouldn’t be silenced and sent us a History Lesson:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:
1. The invention of beer and Scotch, and
2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer and
Scotch

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives

Once beer and Scotch were discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the breweries. That's how
villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at night
while they were drinking beer and Scotch. This was the beginning of what is
known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off
the conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the
sewing,
fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the
invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat, beer and Scotch that
conservatives provided without having to work themselves.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added) and blended Scotch
(conservatives like single malt), but most prefer white wine or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi,
tofu,
and French food are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher
testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are
liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't
fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer and single malt. They eat red meat and
still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers,
corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living and to pay the taxes to support the Liberals who
do not work.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing. Most remained in the Northeast or hid in parts of California.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth
of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true
believers and to more liberals just teach them about history.

(That gets the US electioneering out of the way for this week on FH-ED)

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From: Phantomjack
More religion..

What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray
in casinos?

The ones in the casinos are serious.

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I was waiting at the train station this morning, and I saw a man standing
on the edge, about to jump off as a train approached.
So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" He said "Why shouldn't I?".
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! …Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! …Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! …Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too!…Are you Baptist church of God or Baptist church of
the
Lord?" He said, "Baptist church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist church of God, or are you
reformed
Baptist church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist church of God, reformation of
1879, or reformed Baptist church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist church of God, reformation of 1915!"

I said, "Die, heretic sc*m!!"…and pushed him off.

(First Politics, then religion BAH!-ED)

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Rudi sent in Sisters of St Francis an oldie but a goodie:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye....

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 km

He thinks this must be some kind of joke and drives on without second
thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 km

He begins to realise these signs are for real and drives past a third sign
saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a sign next to the
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks: "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers: "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business..."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man: "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, answers the
door.
This nun instructs: "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large
wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door,
pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another
sign:

GO IN PEACE! YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Stumpy Steve sent us Recent letters to VIZ:

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like
a princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got
completely pi**ed and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at
120mph, killing me instantly.

Mrs B. Ess*x.

The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

John Sampson, Southampton.

If ‘Eastenders’ is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney
characters are Man Utd supporters?

P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .

They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly
down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.


D Evans, London .

If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?

Stalker, Bournemouth .

Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people?
I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community
service.

A Woodward, Sheffield .

They say good manners cost you nothing. B*llocks. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.

J Morgan, Wigan .

If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world
go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose Capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of
Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a
little more imagination in this century.


Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.

Tim Wakefield, Surrey .

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when
I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments
begin. I will never understand women.

Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the
war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London beside
her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my
grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and
children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France
(again) and finally Germany.

The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End
during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by
the people of
London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .

I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) hold up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

B Bollockbrain, Braintree .

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on
a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has
ever done.
She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

M Duckworth, Poole .

So Sting is able to sh@g his wife for five hours without going off. I know
how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

J Leonard, Hull .

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense.With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr.
Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'.
Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out
not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's
'Worst Mass
Murderer'.

Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two t*rds in the
post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?


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Stumpy Steve followed up with:

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam going into Central London. Nothing is
moving north or south, east or west. Suddenly a man knocks on his car
window, the driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's happened,
what's the hold up?"
"Terrorists have kidnaped Gordon Brown, Tony Blair and Alistair Darling.
They are asking for £10 million ransom otherwise they are going to douse
them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car taking
a collection."
"What's the average everyone is giving?" asks the driver. "About a gallon!"

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Whizzbang responded:

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "this is a raid – everyone get on the floor!!", and proceeds to
empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his
balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and
shouts..
"Did anybody else here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes
over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a
distant corner..

"I think my missus caught a glimpse...."

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Whizzbang then sent us this little gem, we’ve seen it before on FH and here
it is again:

The Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate
point in the process, told him that he would now have to enter a password.

Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that he was keying in...

P.....

E.....

N.....

I.....

S.....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

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Allnutts whom we know is a brave man, sent this in:

Brave man jokes - Pretty funny

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume,
Then slaps his wife on the backside and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: 'This is the pig I have s*x with when you've got a headache.'
Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'
Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing?'
She answers, 'I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free.'
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to
see how you live on $800 a year'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2 litres
of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of
lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really
upset.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that
goes from 0 to 200 in under 10seconds AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,
she looked out of the window and sure enough there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the
box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

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Burnout sent this:

A company of US marines are marching back to camp after a weekend exercise
when the commander sees a lone British soldier stood to attention next to
a bush on top of a hill. Keen to know what's going on, the commander sends
2 of his men up the hill to investigate. Just before the 2 US marines reach
the top, the
British soldier disappears behind the bush.
The marines follow and a second later all hell breaks loose, there's dust,
screams and shouting before the soldier reappears and stands to attention
next to the bush with no sign of the marines. Annoyed, the commander sends
up a platoon, they shoot up the hill and again, before reaching the top,
the soldier disappears behind the bush. the platoon follow and again, the
air is filled with shouting, screaming and bodies flying everywhere before
the soldier reappears, brushes himself down and again, stands to attention
next to the bush.

The commander is now livid at the loss of his men and orders the remainder
of the company up the hill to kill the Brit and recover their men. Again,
as the company reach the top, the soldier disappears behind the bush,
followed by the company. For 5 minutes, the commander stands open mouth,
watching bodies flying in the air, hearing shouts and screams before
noticing one of his men crawl around the bush and slide down the hill. the
lone marine struggles to his feet, wipes his eyes and says,

"Sir, it's a trap: there's two of them!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Anonymous (You know who you are) sent us this:

I'm Rich......To good not to pass up!

This morning I searched my wallet.
It was empty.

Then, I checked my pockets.
I found a few coins

I then searched my heart and found you.
Then, I realized how rich I really am...


Thanks for being my friend and e-mail buddy!
May you be as rich as I am

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Your Editor got the ball rolling with these:

Some Gastronomic Delights:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Mechanical Miracles of the 21st Century:

 Click here


One Good Reason not to Exercise:

 Click here

Would you stop to give first aid?:

 Click here


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Cartographer Chris asks WHY WOMEN NEED CATALOGUES:

 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Croydon Caz sent in Utter Madness:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


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EJ found PARKING:

 Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Moose gave us this new Magazine for Men:

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Muse gave us The Farmer's daughters:

 Click here

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Nottingham Smithie advises “Now I know why I never wanted to go to a bull
fight”.

 Click here

And:

What a catch!!!

 Click here

He also send in: “Build it and they will come”. (ALASKA)

A family that lives on the outskirts of Anchorage, Alaska decided to build
a st*rdy, colourful playground for their 3 and 4 year old sons.
They lined the bottom with smooth-stone gravel all around to avoid knee
scrapes and other injuries. They finished building it one Friday evening
and were very pleased with the end product.
The following morning, the mom was about to wake up the boys and have them
go out to play in their new play centre. This is what she saw from the
upstairs window:
This gives a whole new meaning to 'build it and they will come!'

 Click here Click here Click here

Then he found the Swinging Kids:
My neighbours' kids keep using the swing set in my back yard.
It would be okay if they, at least, asked first. .But you know how kids
are...

I don’t say anything to them..
Just let them have fun... After all... they are my neighbours' kids.
And I try to be a good neighbour and not make trouble.. I took some
pictures of them cause they are so cute (XXX) ......

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

He finished of a busy week with some more inspirational posters:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

(Whew!-ED)

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Whizzbang returned with “The Irate Caller” – (VERY BAD LANGUAGE)

 Click here

Then chimed in with a “New Eye Test”:

 Click here

& then Scissors????????????

THIS IS MY KINDERGARTNER'S ARTISTIC RENDERING OF A
PAIR OF SCISSORS. I WONDER WHAT HIS TEACHER THOUGHT.
I ALLOWED MYSELF JUST A SMALL SMIRK WHEN I SAW IT.
I WAITED UNTIL HE WAS OUT OF THE ROOM UNTIL I
STARTED CRYING FROM LAUGHING SO HARD.
WELL, OF COURSE THEY'RE SCISSORS.
IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE WITH A SMALL CHILD OR IF YOU
ARE A TEACHER YOU WILL LOVE THIS!


AS YOU ALL KNOW I WILL BE REQUIRED TO PROUDLY
DISPLAY THIS ON
MY REFRIGERATOR FOR A LENGTH OF TIME .

 Click here

Then: Biggest Dogs In The World:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

And “Why some women choose to stay single”:

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 & How to stop men drinking:

 Click here

And Catching the What?

 Click here

& searching Science:

 Click here

and lastly: Hi Jack!!    Give me five!

 Click here


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Quote of the Week:

The Roots of Violence:
Wealth without work,
Pleasure without conscience,
Knowledge without character,
Commerce without morality,
Science without humanity,
Worship without sacrifice,
Politics without principles.

- Mohandas GANDHI


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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