Friday humour - June 20, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Melbourne is a sprawling and bustling city of over 3.5 million people.  In
the last 50 years, successive State governments (Liberal and Labor) have
virtually ignored rail infrastructure at least as far as middle and outer
suburbs are concerned.  Those fortunate enough to live in the inner
suburbs are blessed with one of the best tramway systems in the world. 
The only major heavy rail works undertaken in all this time was the
construction of the underground city loop which gave city commuters three
extra stations (one of which is not used at weekends).

The current Labor government has electrified the interstate Sydney line by
two stations beyond Broadmeadows and added them to the metro system.  It's
also reopened several country lines that had been "Jeffed" by the former
Liberal government.  But it's simply not enough!

Due to so many petrol price rises, suburban rail patronage has increased by
33% in only the last three years.  Catching trains in the peak hours has
become a nightmare.  So what has our Labor government of nine years done?
Not bloody much!!  It's offered free morning travel to those commuters
arriving in the city prior to 7:00 am.  It's looking at ripping out the
seats near the doors in current trains so that more people can fit in -
and probably stand for their entire journey.  It's ordered 12 more trains
which will enter the system in a few years even though they mightn't be
able to fit in with the current infrastructure.

Indeed, the most significant thing our State government has done is invest
heaps in a new ticketing system.  It's called Myki.  It will look like a
credit card and in many ways act like a credit card.  Commuters will even
be able to use it to buy groceries at Coles and Safeway.  The government
said it would cost $300 million and be operational last year.  Now the
government is saying it will cost $850 million and be operational in two
years time,
but experts say 2012.  The annual running cost is said to be $55 million.

You have to question the government's priorities.  There is nothing wrong
with the current Metcard system.  Commuters understand it.  The only
problem with it is that you can't buy a valid ticket on trams using notes.
 Regular users have adjusted to carrying coins if necessary.  The new Myki
system will be "state of the art" (haven't we heard that before?).  But
you'll not only have to validate your "smartcard" when you get on a
vehicle but also when you get off.  Otherwise you'll be overcharged.  Can
anyone imagine how easy it will be to revalidate a ticket as you get off a
crowded peak hour tram???

The government should scrap any more investment in the Myki ticketing
system.  It's already wasted far too much for absolutely nothing.  It
should massively invest some of its surplus in new heavy rail lines (as
they recently have in Perth).

It should also bring public transport back under government ownership when
the privatised contracts (which the former Kennett government instigated)
are up for renewal next year.

But there's not much chance of either of these things happening.  There's
an election in 2010.  The government would rather blame Connex for all of
our rail woes and continue to give the private operators millions of
dollars in subsidies, the profits of which go mostly to the rich
shareholders in
France.

Public transport is better run as a monopoly.  And a state owned subsidised
monopoly.  It is a major service provided by a good government.

What we currently have in Melbourne and Victoria is nothing more than a
huge cop-out.


Let the show go on ...

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First up this week is the Allnutts selection

                Best 'Out of Office' Automatic e-mail Replies:

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to
you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and
heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I WIll be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return
from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the
order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for
the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your
message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try
sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over
and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You
ARe currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as 'Susan' instead of Steve.


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                            Keep The Old Motor Running

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of
the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth
of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to
congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it
at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor
running.'

The following year, The couple returned to the hospital for the birth of
their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again
went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, You are
something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You
gotta keep the old motor running.'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their
third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the
delivery, She once again approached the old gentleman, Smiled, And said,
'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man
replied, 'It's like I've told you before, 'You got to keep the old motor
running'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: Well, I guess
it's time to change the oil. This one's black.


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                                     Greek vs Irish

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbuck's cafe one day
discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy
says, 'Well,
we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the
Summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built
the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones
who invented s*x!'

The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who
introduced it to women.'


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This stuff came from Burnout

                                      Extended Play

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind
the counter is small young boy.

She says: "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a 7 inch?"

He says: "No, but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch."

"That's not a record is it?"

"It is for a 10 year old."


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                                       Star Trek?

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and
walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands,
and as they walked the Iranian said, 'You know, I have just one question
about what I have seen in America'.

President Bush said, 'Well, anything I can do to help you, I will.'

The Iranian whispered 'My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there
is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and
Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs.  My son is very upset and doesn't
understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on Star Trek.'

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered
back,

'It's because it takes place in the future.'


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And from Diks

                                            Old

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're
barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A s*xy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN..
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?


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                          Things Dad Would Never Say ...

10.) Well, how about that! I'm lost. Looks like we'll have to stop and ask
for directions.

9.) You know, pumpkin. Now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for
unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

8.) I noticed that all your friends have a certain negative attitude. I
like that!

7.) Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. Go crazy!

6.) What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good
enough for you, son?

5.) Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to
consider throwing a party.

4.) Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those
doo-hickey thingies. You know, that makes it run or something. Just have
it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3.) No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.
Now,
quit your belly aching and let's go to the mall.

2.) What do you want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for
you to spend.

1.) Father's Day? Ah, don't worry about that. It's not important


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Here's one from EJ

                                    Wheelbarrows

In the 1950's in Adelaide there was a department store which included
hardware. At the end of the day everyone had to go through a random
frisking on the way out. Handbags, pockets, lunch boxes etc. Most
employees went home by bus tram or bicycle, but not everyone.

Jack, from the hardware department swept up the shavings and sawdust and
put them in a wheelbarrow to take home. Security searched through the
sawdust but all they could find was Jack's lunch box, overalls and the
daily newspaper. After some time they became suspicious. Jack is getting
away with something. What?

They visited his home and discovered in his shed ... 39 Wheelbarrows!!!!!!


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A quickie from Nottingham Smithie

                                       Irish Logic

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you are even bothering to hold an
election in the United States.

On one side, you have a lawyer, married to a lawyer, running against a
lawyer who is married to a lawyer. On the other side, you have a war hero
married to a good looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What are you lads thinking over there?'


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This is from Whizzbang   [ It includes foul language ]

                                  Anger management

When you occasionally have a really bad day and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying 'Hello.' I
politely said, 'This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell?'
Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear 'Get the right f*cking number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could
be so rude.

When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had
accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with him, I
decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the
phone, I yelled 'You're a c*nt!' and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'c*nt' next to it, and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, 'You're a c*nt!' It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic 'Cunt' Calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, 'Hi, this is John
Smith from
Telstra. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'
He yelled 'NO!' and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, 'That's because you're a c*nt!'

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a
parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled
into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that
I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. Noticed a 'For
Sale' sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number. A couple of
days later,
right after calling the first c*nt (I had his number on speed dial,).

I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover c*nt, too.

I said, 'Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?' Yes,
it is', he said. 'Can you tell me where I can see it?' I asked. 'Yes, I
live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's
parked right out in front.' 'What's your name?' I asked. 'My name is Steve
Hansen,' he said. 'When's a good time to catch you, Steve?' 'I'm home most
days as
I'm currently unemployed..' 'Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?'

'Yes?'

'Steve, you're a c*nt!'

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two ar*eholes to call. Then one day I came
up with an idea. I called c*nt #1. 'Hello?' 'You're a c*nt!' (but I didn't
hang up.) 'Are you still there?' he asked. 'Yeah.' I said. 'Stop calling
me!' he screamed. 'Make me.' I said. 'Who are you?' he asked. 'My name is
Steve Hansen.' 'Yeah? Where do you live?' 'I live at 129 Alice Street,
Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the
front.'

He said, 'I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying
your prayers.' I said, 'Yeah, like I'm really scared... c*nt.' and hung up.
Then I called c*nt #2. 'Hello?' he said. 'Hello, c*nt,' I said. He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...' 'You'll do what?' I said

'I'll kick your ar*e,' he exclaimed. I answered, 'Well, c*nt, here's your
chance. I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129
Alice Street, Ilford, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in
Alice
Street, Ilford.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just
in time to watch two c*nts beating the sh*t out of each other in front of
six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

Now I feel MUCH better.

Take it from me, anger management really works.


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From Arfermo

                          How to succeed with knobs on.

"A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for 100. The
farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. "When the farmer drove
up the next day he said: 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey
is on my truck but he is dead.'

"Gordon replied: 'Well, give me my money back then.'

"The farmer said: 'Sorry, I can't do that as I have spent it already.'
Gordon sighed: 'OK then, just unload the donkey anyway.'

"The farmer asked: 'What are you going to do with him?' "Gordon replied: 'I
am going to raffle him off.' To which the farmer exclaimed: 'You can't
raffle off a dead donkey!' "But Gordon, with a big smile on his face,
said:
'Sure I can, watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

"One month later, the farmer met Gordon and asked: 'What happened to that
dead donkey?'

"Gordon replied: 'I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at 2 each and made a
huge profit.'

"Totally amazed, the farmer asked: 'Didn't anyone complain about you taking
their money because you failed to tell them about the donkey being dead?'

"Then Gordon replied: 'The only guy who found out about the donkey being
dead was the raffle winner. When he came to claim his prize, I gave him
his 2 back plus 200 extra, which is double the market price of a donkey,
so he thought I was a great guy. That still left me nearly 800 ahead.'

"Gordon grew up and eventually became Chancellor of the Exchequer and no
matter how many times he failed to tell the whole truth or how much money
he took from British voters, so long as he gave them back some of their
money,
most of them thought he was a great guy. He then became Prime Minister!"


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Another quickie from Burnout


Two Irish women are knitting jumpers for their babies that are yet to be
born.

One turns to the other and says: "I hope my baby is a boy, because I used
blue wool."

The other one replies: "Well, I hope mine is a retard cause I stuffed up
the sleeves."


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This came from Cartographer Chris

                               The Robot Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.  One day
John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot
that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said
Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out
of her chair.


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This came from Geoff, as well as Digi Maria

                                     Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out. 'April,' he hollered into the bathroom,
'why did you put talc*m powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker...'It's not talc*m powder...... It's 'Miracle
Grow'


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This weeks audio visual contributions came from Croydon Caz, Moose,
Whizzbang, Burnout, Allnutts, Diks, The Duke of B, Cartographer Chris,
Nottingham Smithie, Muse, Anatinus, Digi Maria, and Stumpy Steve.


Petrol
 Click here

Where do all the old phones go?
 Click here

GAME: SHOOT THE APPLE
 Click here

HOUSING IN CHINA
 Click here

How You Can Tell You've Irritated An Engineer
 Click here

State of Origin
 Click here Click here

Your House
As seen by:
Your Self
Your Buyer
Your Lender
Your Valuer   and
Your ATO Assessor
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Fully clothed streaker
 Click here

Jamaican motorcycle study
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

We need this guy
USA JAIL - SOME INTERESTING READING TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE
ARPAIO, HE IS THE MARICOPA COUNTY SHERIFF (ARIZONA) AND HE KEEPS GETTING
ELECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
These are some of the reasons why:
Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the 'tent city jail' to save Arizona from
spending tens of millions of dollars on another expensive prison complex.
He has jail meals down to 20 cents a serving and charges the inmates for
them.
He banned smoking and pornographic magazines in the jails, and took away
their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but 'G' movies. He says:
'They're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can
assault innocent people when they leave.'
He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and
city projects and save taxpayer's money.
Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for
discrimination.
He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order
that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but
only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.
When asked why the weather channel, he replied: 'So these morons will know
how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.' He cut
off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste
of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This isn't
the
Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back.' He also bought the
Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails.
When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he
replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for
a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the
inmates were in his jails in the first place.
With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just
set a new record for June 2nd 2007), the Associated Press reported: About
2,000 inmates living in a barbed wire surrounded tent encampment at the
Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their
government-issued pink boxer shorts.
On the Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were overheard
chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. 'This is
hell. It feels like we live in a furnace,' said
Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. 'It's
inhumane.'
Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches,
is not one bit sympathetic. 'Criminals should be punished for their crimes
-
not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit
more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy
things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.'
The same day he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in
the tents: 'It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are
living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing
full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes,
so shut your damned mouths!'
Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot
less crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of
prison spaces.
Sheriff Joe was just re-elected as Sheriff in Maricopa County, Arizona
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Stress Free Day
 Click here Click here

Can you recognise them?
 Click here

Sound financial advice
 Click here

Mohammed
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after
playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing
this playtime?'
Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I
will give you a biscuit'
Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'
Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'
'Very good' says the teacher.. 'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I
will also give you a biscuit'
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box
with Becky and Freddie?'
'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time
I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names
and asking see under my jacket in case I had explosives'
'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination
to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I
will give you a biscuit'
 Click here Click here Click here

Our Childhood in Black and White
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

OOhh What a Feeling!!
 Click here

CLINIC POP MACHINE: You never know what you're going to get...
 Click here

Girls or Cars?
 Click here

More motivational posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Boob Song
 Click here

Never tell a woman she can't cook
 Click here

The best ad war in recent memory...
1. BMW started this advertisement.
 Click here
2. Audi replied.
 Click here
3. Subaru needed to say something.
 Click here
4. Bentley Chairman had the 'last word'.
 Click here

Ugly Tie!
He sure looks tacky.  It seems anyone would try to wear a nice tie for
their wedding.
Some people have no class. Look at his tie, it is so yesterday.
 Click here

Deal or nodeal
 Click here

Not exactly politically correct:   FERRARI SACK PIT CREW
 Click here

HOW NOT TO LAND A HELICOPTER
 Click here

Too true
 Click here

Glow worm
 Click here


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Here's an oldie from Diks

                                        Prize Cock

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was
to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was
performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old
Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning
John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to
investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The
pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it
couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew
County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...

The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician
in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of
the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking
up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this year... the bells are not always audible!


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The Duke of Barsinov sent this in

                                 NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had s*x?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no s*x since 1955!" She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, "Hope
not, ma'am it's only 2130 now."


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Here's a couple from Phantonjack

                                   Another golf joke

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their
wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over
to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack
of underwear.

"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband
demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency here's 50 quid, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary ,
woman! You've no knickers--why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20
quid, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Hoot, mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able
ta afford any."

The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency,
here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit. "


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                                           Jim

Saw my mate Jim yesterday, he's only got one arm.

"Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted

"I'm going to change a light bulb," he said.

"That's going to be awkward, isn't it?" I asked.

"No..... I've still got the receipt."


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And finially from Stumpy Steve

                              Nine words women use...

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot
and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying FUCK YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I'll do it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?'
For the woman's response refer to #3. Then you RUN!


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Quote of the new Millennium:


  "Every nation in every region now has a decision to make. Either
   you are with us, or you are with the terrorists."


George W. Bush
President of the United States of America


        [ Crikey!  Bring on the Melbourne Cup Day election.   Ed ]


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[ End friday humour ]

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