Friday humour - June 13, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Greeting all you Humourites out there. Doing this once every four weeks is
much better :-) Its great to see that our new editors have merged into the
team so well with such skill and enthusiasm.

My serve this week is not for politicians for a change. I was amazed on
Wednesday night to see that CSIRO had sunk many MILLIONS of dollars into
the cooperative development of a hybrid vehicle for the local car maker
Holden. As you can see from the web page at
 Click here it was a great success and

was ready for commercialisation to give Australia a great
boost into green vehicle production.

But wait - there's more - that's not what amazed me! What amazed me was
that this was completed and announced EIGHT YEARS AGO and
Holden has done ABSOLUTELY NOTHING with it!!! Watching the Holden executive
trot out his weasel words to try to put a gloss on total strategic
incompetence left me with my jaw hanging and feeling sick. Now Australia
is going to spend another many millions of dollars to fund a different
non-Australian company to do it all again!

Words fail me.

This weeks offerings are courtesy of Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
Digi Maria, Diks, Freya, KRP from Coffs Harbour, Moose,
Nottingham Smithie, Phantomjack, Rudi, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang and an

My favourite for this week is one we have had before, but I still cant work
out how they do it, so its worth another look.

How the ...
1. Go to the following site, it is Brazilian in Portuguese but it doesn't
 Click here
2. Type your first name on the first line
3. Type your last name on the last line
   (Skip your e-mail address.)
4. Click on 'Vizualizar' and watch what happens.
If anyone knows how this is done you could put me out of my perplexity :-)

And now, onto the collection ...


Sister Barbara

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from
home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.

Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window,
she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post

Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. Sister Barbara," on a piece of paper,
wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the
window to him.

The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his
hat, went off down the street.

The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting
on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

"What's this?" she asked. "That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he
replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."













An American guy is in Canada on vacation, and decides to go out for a few
beers. He strikes up a conversation with a few Canadian fellows at the
bar. After a few drinks, the American guy says, "Hey fellas, wanna play a

"Sure!" reply the Canadians.

"Ok," says the American, "I'll think of a thing, and you and your buddy can
ask me yes or no questions about it until you figure out what it is, ok?"

"OK!", reply the Canadians.

So the American thinks to himself, 'Hmmm, what's something that they will
NEVER be able to guess...hmmm....wait, I got it....moose!
They'll never get that.'

Snickering to himself, the American says, "Ok, ask away."

The first Canadian says, "Well, is it good to eat?"

The American snickers again, and says "Heh heh ... well uh, yeah, sure it's
good to eat. Heh heh."

The second Canadian pipes up, "Is it moose?"


Three Men

Three men, an Englishman, an American and an Aussie are walking through the
jungles of Africa in search of the conga conga tribe,
when all of a sudden they are surrounded by cannibals.

They are taken away to the camp of the cannibals and tied up. The chief
comes up and tells the three men that they will be cooked in a lovely
white wine sauce and eaten by the tribesmen and that their skins will be
used for canoes. As the chief was a nice kind of cannibal he offered the
three men one last wish each.

Firstly the Englishman was asked what he wanted. "A knife" granted with he
took it to his throat and killed himself.

Then the American was asked what he wanted. He also requested the knife,
which was granted and he slit his throat and died too.

Then the Aussie was asked what his last request was. He asked for a fork.
The chief and tribesmen looked around at each other a little confused but
provided the fork. At this stage the Aussie began stabbing himself all
over his body yelling "You ain't making a canoe out of me ya bastards"



It was a hot day in Iowa.

Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the
street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?"

So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and
asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot I tink I'll have myself zee cold

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"

Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"


Paddy's Fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off
all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in
Cork's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see
what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's
2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I
could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'


'Washing Clothes Recipe' - imagine having a recipe for this!

Years ago an Alabama grandmother gave the new bride the following recipe:

This is an exact copy as written and found in an old scrapbook - with
spelling errors and all.


Build fire in backyard to heat kettle of rain water. Set tubs so smoke wont
blow in eyes if wind is pert.
Shave one hole cake of lie soap in boilin water.

Sort things, make 3 piles
1 pile white,
1 pile colored,
1 pile work britches and rags.

To make starch, stir flour in cool water to smooth, then thin down with
boiling water.

Take white things, rub dirty spots on board, scrub hard, and boil, then rub
colored don't boil just wrench and starch.

Take things out of kettle with broom stick handle, then wrench, and starch.

Hang old rags on fence.

Spread tea towels on grass.

Pore wrench water in flower bed.

Scrub porch with hot soapy water.

Turn tubs upside down.

Go put on clean dress, smooth hair with hair combs.

Brew cup of tea, sit and rock a spell and count your blessings.


Paste this over your washer and dryer. Next time when you think things are
bleak, read it again, kiss that washing machine and dryer, and give
thanks. First thing each morning you should run and hug your washer and
dryer, also your toilet - those two-holers used to get mighty cold!

(For us non-southerners -'wrench' means rinse.)


An Irishman, fed up with anti-Irish jokes, starts taking English elocution

After a few successful weeks he goes to the shops to try it out.

"I'll have an Observer, a Telegraph and a Times, please Sir, he says to the

"Are you Irish? asks the shop-keeper

"How did you know? replies the shocked Irishman.

"Well, this is a fish and chip shop, mate.".


The paradox of our time in history is that ...

We have taller buildings but shorter tempers,

Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less.

We buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families,

More conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense,

More knowledge but less judgment,

More experts yet more problems,

More medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,
drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read
too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life - not life to years.

We've been to the moon and back, but don't cross the street to meet a new

We conquered outer space - but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less.

We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies
than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small
character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but
broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one
night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer,
to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the

A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you
can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going
to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because
that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the
only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but
most of all mean it.

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will
not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak and give time to share the precious
thoughts in your mind.

- George Carlin.


St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates checking up on the people waiting to enter

He asks the next one in line, "So, who are you, and what did you do on

The fellow says, "I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black man to be
elected President of the United States "

St. Peter says, "The U.S.? A black President? You gotta be kidding me! When
did this happen?"

Obama says, "About twenty minutes ago."


Upset Wife

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a
very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me a
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you.
I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied, "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, "but they'll be the last words you'll say to

And he began, "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this
young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed
that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that
she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home
and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you
wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing
devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was
doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw
them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that
you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the s*xy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like

He took a quick breath and continued, "She was so grateful for my
understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said, "Please ... do you have anything else
that your wife doesn't use?'"



Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a
well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded
to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide
open. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration'. And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my
hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do
you not understand?'


Where our doctors come from?

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your choice that's right, you can even become a Doctor and receive all the
benefits that comes with it!

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For US: 1-801-504-2132
Outside US: +1-801-504-2132

"Just leave your NAME & PHONE NO. (with CountryCode)" in the voicemail

Our staff will get back to you in next few days


A squad of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American soldier in a similar but
less serious state. The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid
was given to both men, the squad Leader asked the injured American what
had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the
highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I
yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife sc*m bag who
got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Ted Kennedy is a fat, Good-for-nothing, left wing
liberal drunk who doesn't know how to drive.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid,
mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton !'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands,
When a @#&#ing truck hit us


How old is Grandpa?

Stay with this - the answer is at the end.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.

The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at
schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandpa replied, 'Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:
* television
* penicillin
* polio shots
* frozen foods
* Xerox
* contact lenses
* Frisbees
* the pill

There was no:
* radar
* credit cards
* laser beams
* ball-point pens

Man had not invented:
* pantyhose
* air conditioners
* dishwashers
* clothes dryers !
* clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air
* man hadn't yet walked on the moon

Your Grandmother and I got married first, and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, 'Sir'.

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title,

We were before gay-rights, computer dating, dual careers, day-care centres,
and group therapy.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening
breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends, not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt,
or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on
our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, ride on a bus, and a Coke were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough
stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:
* 'grass' was mowed,
* 'coke' was a cold drink,
* 'pot' was something your mother cooked in and
* 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.
* 'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office,
* 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
* 'hardware' was found in a hardware store and
* 'software' wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a
husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and
say there is a generation gap, and how old do you think I am?

This man would be only 58 years old!



Teacher: "Maria, come up to the map and show the class where North America
is located."

Maria: "Here it is."

Teacher: "You are correct. Now class, tell me who discovered North

Class: "Maria."


Enjoy a good read? Mmmmmm?
 Click here

Don't drink at the pool
 Click here

Divorce cakes.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

A sunset you will never see.
 Click here
[check out Click here to find out

why - Ed.]

The Bone Yard
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
The Bone Yard near Davis Monthan Air Force Base in Tucson, Arizona
For those of you that have never seen this, it is something to see. The
precision in the way they are parked is impressive.
It's difficult to comprehend the size of the 'Bone yard' and the number of
aircraft stored there.
Of course the important thing to remember is that they are all capable of
being returned to service if the need ever arises.
If you are ever in the Tucson area, the weekly tours of the bone yard are
still given through the Tucson Air Museum, located just south of
Davis Monthan AFB.
Both the museum and the bone yard are very popular attractions in the
Arizona desert. It is difficult to comprehend the number of military
aircraft in dead storage until you see these photographs!
Even if you have seen this before, look again. The 3rd largest Air Force in
the world is sitting on the ground here.
It's the only unit in the U.S. Air Force that actually makes a profit.

Amazing B-17 Story]
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
Look carefully at the B-17 and note how shot up it is - one engine dead,
tail, horizontal stabilizer and nose shot up. It was ready to fall out of
the sky. Then realize that there is a German ME-109 fighter flying next to
it. Now read the story below. I think you'll be surprised.

Charlie Brown was a B-17 Flying Fortress pilot with the 379th Bomber Group
at Kimbolton ,England. His B-17 was called 'Ye Old Pub' and was in a
terrible state, having been hit by flak and fighters. The compass was
damaged and they were flying deeper over enemy territory instead of
heading home to Kimbolton.

After flying over an enemy airfield, a German pilot named Franz Steigler
was ordered to take off and shoot down the B-17. When he got near the
B-17, he could not believe his eyes. In his words, he 'had never seen a
plane in such a bad state'. The tail and rear section was severely
damaged, and the tail gunner wounded. The top gunner was all over the top
of the fuselage. The nose was smashed and there were holes everywhere.

Despite having ammunition, Franz flew to the side of the B-17 and looked at
Charlie Brown, the pilot. Brown was scared and struggling to control his
damaged and blood-stained plane.

Aware that they had no idea where they were going, Franz waved at Charlie
to turn 180 degrees. Franz escorted and guided the stricken plane to, and
slightly over, the North Sea towards England. He then saluted Charlie
Brown and turned away, back to Europe.

When Franz landed he told the CO that the plane had been shot down over the
sea, and never told the truth to anybody. Charlie Brown and the remains of
his crew told all at their briefing, but were ordered never to talk about

More than 40 years later, Charlie Brown wanted to find the Luftwaffe pilot
who saved the crew. After years of research, Franz was found. He had never
talked about the incident, not even at post-war reunions.

They met in the USA at a 379th Bomber Group reunion, together with 25
people who are alive now - all because Franz never fired his guns that

Research shows that Charlie Brown lived in Seattle and Franz Steigler had
moved to Vancouver, BC after the war. When they finally met, they
discovered they had lived less than 200 miles apart for the past 50 years!

Don't Get a Tattoo When You are Drunk
 Click here

Why Arabs throw rocks
 Click here Click here Click here

Elevator Power Point Show
 Click here

How to Peel a Banana in Japan
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here

25 Ways to improve your health ...
1. Brush twice a day!
 Click here
2. Dress right for the weather.
 Click here
3. Visit the dentist regularly.
 Click here
4. Get plenty of rest.
 Click here
5. Make sure your hair is dry before going outside.
 Click here
6. Eat right.
 Click here
7. Get outside in the sun every once in a while.
 Click here
8. Always wear a seatbelt.
 Click here
9. Control your drinking of alcoholic beverages.
 Click here
10. Smile! It will make you feel better.
 Click here
11. Don't over indulge yourself.
 Click here
12. Bathe regularly.
 Click here
13. Read to exercise the brain.
 Click here
14. Surround yourself with friends.
 Click here
15. Stay away from too much caffeine.
 Click here
16. Use the bathroom regularly.
 Click here
17. Get plenty of exercise.
 Click here
18. Have your eyes checked regularly.
 Click here
19. Eat plenty of vegetables.
 Click here
20. Believe that people will like you for who you are.
 Click here
21. Forgive and forget.
 Click here
22. Take plenty of vacations.
 Click here
23. Celebrate all special occasions.
 Click here
24. Pick up a hobby.
 Click here
25. Love your neighbour as yourself.
 Click here
Do all these things and you will be a happier, healthier person!

Some people have no class. Look at his necktie, it is so out of date.
 Click here

Life's Secret.
 Click here
A doctor on his morning walk noticed a very pretty older lady sitting on
her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, 'I
couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret?'
'I smoke ten cigars a day,' she said. 'Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice
big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack
Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On week-ends, I pop pills, get
laid, and do no other exercise at all.'
'That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?'
'Twenty-four,' she replied.

Bed sheets for guys who don't want to ARRIVE too early!
 Click here Click here Click here

Every house has a beach - Architecture at its best!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
I'm moving to Dubai, who's coming?

Stress Reliever.
 Click here

Plastic bags?
 Click here

BBQs for Real Men.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The UK government values traffic wardens more than soldiers.
 Click here Click here Click here
Traffic wardens earn more than newly qualified soldiers on active service

You have to be over 50 to truly understand it ...
 Click here

Those sneaky marines ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

A new poem by Pam Ayres
 Click here

Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me Tits
             By Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old kno*kers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.
When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

Would you hang on?
 Click here

What can you say - wrong place right time?
 Click here

New Hard Hats.
 Click here

Name Calling.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
When name calling isn't swearing.

What do you mean pay attention to the drill?
[*WARNING* - this is GROSS! Ed.]
 Click here

That's how you play basketball in Istanbul.
 Click here


      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

[ End friday humour ]

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