Friday humour - June 06, 2008

Thank You all for your contributions this week, keep 'em coming! The resume
one was my personal favourite, I have been in the position to hire and
fire, and any resume which had a spelling or grammatical error went
straight in the round file. Any employee is an ambassador for their
employer, and if they can't use their native language it is sad, but even
graduates these days make almighty c*ck-ups, and you can't even rely on
the press to check their spelling. Never mind we have political
correctness now, so standards no longer count....Milton and Shakespeare
must be turning over in their graves.....here endeth the lesson, we will
now sing God Save our Language. Recently a flyer came through my letterbox
from the local Labour Party, it had so many spelling and grammatical errors
I sent it to our local member of Parliament, and his reply had similar
mistakes; we all make the odd typographical error because few of us are
trained typists, that is life, but usually most of us can spell their own
name correctly, which was not the case on the original flyer sadly. That
is the end of my gripe so let's get stuck into this weeks funnies.

Well fellow editors and contributors, I have an idea to run by you all -
please address any comments or indeed submissions on this idea to my
bluehaze e-mail address which is as follows:
smithie at bluehaze.com.au (no gaps), I'm sure you realise why it is in
shorthand.

Tony the founder of this site was a great character, I never met him, but
got to know him a little by e-mail, and I have to say I liked him, and
respected him, and still miss his sense of fun, one of the greatest
tributes one can have when we are gone is that we are actually missed, and
leave a big hole in peoples lives, and that we live on in peoples memories.
Well anybody who knew Tony will ever forget, especially his workmates, and
family. Tony had this way of going through life like an unmade bed, and
yet he appreciated beautiful things. So I thought of doing something
completely different to his memory.

A competition, open to all contributors, readers, and editors, except for
myself who will act as judge ( it is only fair that I am excluded because
I am both a professional photographer and artist) whereby all or anybody
who wishes sends in an artwork to my email address, this can be in any
form which can be sent as a jpeg, either art or photography, and I will
sort out the best, and then bounce the finalists around the editorial team
till we come up with an outright annual winner.

We could call this the "Tony Sanderson Memorial Prize for Creativity" and
the winner will be given a certificate, not only that but with the
agreement of the winner, the finalist artwork could be beautifully mounted
and framed professionally at my expense ( this is my contribution) and the
final artwork will be sold at auction, as is in a gallery, and any monies
raised will be sent as a little cash bonus for Tony's children.

Any other suggestions along these lines are most welcome, nothing is as yet
written in stone. So think about it guys and gals, hopefully
sympathetically.

I thank you all in anticipation....... and now to the fun
section.......................................................

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


From Moose.............
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.  Claude the
hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was
almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from
his coat.  'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.  It's
a very special watch.  It's been in my family for six generations.' He
began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch.' The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface.  Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SHIT!' said the Hypnotist.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Geoff..............

Two Romantic Seniors .  .  .  .  .  .

Maude and John, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida .
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they
enjoyed each other's company After several weeks of meeting for coffee,
John asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening.  They dined at the most romantic restaurant in
town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.  Things
continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon
joined John for a most enjoyable roll in the sack.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each
was lost for a time in their own thoughts.  .  .  .  .
John was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I would have taken
off my pantyhose.'

It took three days to clean up the Centre.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Digi Steve........................

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get
married and wish you were dead.
At a c*cktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your
wedding ring on the wrong finger?' 'Yes, I am.  I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:  'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.They all said the same thing:  'You
can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let
her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married.  Then she is finished .
A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?' Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in
every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word
you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!' Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky,
mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer:  Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to
Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods.  Because Lord,
if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!....................

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.  A
blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find
it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the
bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.  After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he
taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of
rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had
put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the
hell up.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Anatinus.................. A POLITICALLY INCORRECT JOKE

An Australian Aboriginal picks up a hooker. 'How much do you charge for da
hour, sister?' he asks.
'$100,' she replies.
He says 'Do you do Aboriginal style?' 'No' she says 'I pay you $200 to do
it Aboriginal 'No', she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style is 'I pay
you $300 'No', she says.
'I pay you $400' 'No', she says So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000
to do it Aboriginal style.
She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.  I've had
every kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.  How bad
could Aboriginal Style be?'' So she agrees and has s*x with him.
They do it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally
after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting.  But that was good. So what exactly is
'Aboriginal style'?
The Aboriginal replies 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment'.

and another..........................


Do the math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce.

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million.

Assuming he had s*x with her every night during their 5 year relationship
(and being married men, we all know THAT doesn't happen), it ends up
costing him $26,849 per lay, not counting attorney's fees and court costs.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl Kristen charges $4,000 an
hour.  Crazy, right?

But...  had Paul McCartney employed Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid
$7.3 million for an hour of s*x every night for 5 years (a savings of
$41+million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, and no
coaxing, never a headache, wide open menu, ability to put BOTH legs around
you, no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists.
Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back the next day,
ready for another round, all at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Is it just me, or does it seem better to rent?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Allnutts..........

:
Note to PETS ( To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door, at pet nose
height )

Dear Dogs and Cats:


The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other
dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does
not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing.

The stairway is not a racetrack.  Beating me to the bottom is not the
object.  Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.  I am very sorry about
this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. 
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.  If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or to get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open.  I must exit through the
same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years
--canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's bum.  I
cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1.  They live here.  You don't.
2.  If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'niture.
3.  I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.  To you, they are an animal.  To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1.  Eat less
2.  Don't ask for money all the time 3 Are easier to train
4.  Normally come when called
5.  Never ask to drive the car
6.  Don't hang out with substance abusing friends
7.  Don't have to buy the latest fashions
8.  Don't want to wear your clothes
10.  Don't need a gazillion dollars for uni, and...
11.  If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

and another...........................How to Dance in the Rain

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's
arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.  He said he was in a
hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an
hour before someone would to able to see him.  I saw him looking at his
watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would
evaluate his wound.  On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of
the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his
wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's
appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat
breakfast with his wife.  I inquired as to her health.
He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of
Alzheimer's Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized
him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even
though she doesn't know who you are?' He smiled as he patted my hand and
said, 'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.' I had to hold
back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is
the kind of love I want in my life.' True love is neither physical, nor
romantic.
True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not
be.
The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they
just make the best of everything they have.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm, But how to dance in the rain.'

yet another.............OLDER THAN DIRT

 'Hey Dad,' one of my kids asked the other day, 'What was your favourite
fast food when you were growing up?' 'We didn't have fast food when I was
growing up,' I informed him.  'All the food was slow.' 'C'mon, seriously. 
Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 
'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down
together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my
plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.' By this time, the
kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious
internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have
permission to leave the table.  But here are some other things I would
have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have
handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, travelled out of the country or had a credit card.  In their later
years they had something called a store card.  The card was good only at
Myer's.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice.  This was mostly because we
never had heard of soccer.  I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50
pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).  We didn't have a television in
our house until I was 18.  It was, of course, black and white, but they
bought a piece of coloured plastic to cover the screen.  The top third was
blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass.  The middle
third was red.
It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across
someone's lawn on a sunny day Some people had a lens taped to the front of
the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 20 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I
bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung
down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too.  It's still
the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 10.  Before that, the only car in our
family was my uncle's Ford.  He called it a 'machine.' I never had a
telephone in my room.  The only phone in the house was in the living room
and it was on a party line.  Before you could dial, you had to listen and
make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home.  But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers.  I
delivered a newspaper, six days a week.  It cost sixpence a paper, of which
I got to keep 2 pennies .  I had to get up at 4 AM every morning.  On
Sat*rday, I had to collect the 3 shillings from my customers.  My
favourite customers were the ones who gave me 'three and sixpence' and
told me to keep the change..  My least favourite customers were the ones
who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut.  At least, they did in the
movies Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing
and they didn't do that in movies.  I don't know what they did in French
movies.
French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren..  Just
don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he
brought me an old tomato sauce bottle.  In the bottle top was a stopper
with a bunch of holes in it.  I knew immediately what it was, but my
daughter had no idea.  She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker
or something.  I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing
board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons Man, I
am old.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: How many do you remember?
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about . 
Ratings at the bottom.

1.  Cho Cho bar
2.  Drive ins
3.  Candy cigarettes
4.  Soft drink machines that dispensed glass bottles 5 Coffee shops or milk
bars with tableside juke boxes 6 Home milk delivery in glass bottles with
foil stoppers
7.  Party lines
8.  Newsreels before the movie
9.  Packards
10.  Blue flashbu l b s
11.  Telephone numbers with 2 letters and 4 numbers
12.  Peashooters
13.  Wash tub wringer
14.  78 RPM records
15.  Metal ice trays with lever
16.  Studebakers
17.  Cracker night (Bonfire night)
18.  Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
19.  Bread delivered by horse and cart
20.  Head lights dimmer switches on the floor
21.  Ignition switches on the dashboard
22.  Heaters mounted on the inside of the wall
23.  Real ice boxes
24.  Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
25.  Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner If you remembered 0-5 =
You're still young If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older If you
remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age, If you remembered 16-25 = You're
older than dirt!

I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

another still.........................

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the
covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the
other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......

 'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Nottingham Smithie........................how to get rid of those
annoying lines or arrows with every forward, it drives me crazy
These instructions are the same for Windows XP (Outlook Express) and
Windows Mail (Windows Vista).
1.  Open Outlook Express or Windows Mail
2.  Click Tools then Options
3.  Click the Send tab at the top
4.  Click HTML settings
5.  Uncheck "Indent message on reply"
6.  Click OK This also has another benefit - it keeps mail you send from
putting more "carets" >> in front of each line................

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 From: Stumpy Steve

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.
She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are
running around having fun.  She takes pity on him and decides to speak to
him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.
'It's best I stay here.' he says.
''Why?' says the blonde.
The boys says:


'Because I am the bloody goalie'

A s*xually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her
vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the
surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully
placed beside her on the bed.  Outraged, she immediately calls in the
doctor.  'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him: 'I felt sad because you went through
this all by yourself.' 'The second rose is from my nurse.  She assisted me
in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done
some time ago.' 'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

'That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit.  He wanted to thank you for
his new ears.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 From: Whizzbang.........................

In my next life I want to live my life backwards.
You start out dead and get that out of the way.  Then you wake up in an old
people's home feeling better every day.  You get kicked out for being too
healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a
gold watch and a party on your first day.  You work for 40 years until
you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.  You party, drink alcohol,
and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school.
You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play.  You have no
responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born.  And then you
spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with
central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and
then..  Voila!  You finish off as an orgasm!
I rest my case.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This one from Digi Maria...............

  PLUS.........Greenie revenge!

The chief woman 'Greenie Tree-Hugging Activist', who was responsible for
getting horses banned from National parks and State forests, was climbing
a tree to have a look out over the forest when a Tawny Frogmouth Owl
attacked her for invading its nesting site.

In a panic to escape, she slid down the tree, getting a great number of
splinters lodged in her crotch area. In considerable pain she hurried to
the nearest doctor, and told him she was an environmentalist and how she
got all the splinters.

The doctor, who was no environmentalist, listened with great patience and
then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could
help her. She waited for 3 hours before the doctor reappeared. Angry, the
woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

'Well...' replied the doctor, '...I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency; the Forestry Service; the National Parks
and Wildlife Service; the Wilderness Society and the Department of
Conservation and Land Management before I could remove 'old growth timber'
from a 'recreational area' . .... .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and another..............................

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty
and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for
dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.   'I need to
spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman.  ' I haven't had my hair done
in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.  Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Seasoldier.............................

    WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

    After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
    Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but
I'm a
    little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine."
    "Nonsense," the doctor said.
    "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your
ancestors
    may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

    "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on
both
    sides had jet-black hair for generations."

    "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have
s*x?"
    The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made
    love once or twice every few months."

    "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 From: Zalaga - London Lawyer v Glasgow Cop

A London lawyer  runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a  Glasgow
copper.
He  thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is  certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. 
He decides to  prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow
cop's  expense!!
Glasgow cop  says, ' Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye  didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer  says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop  says, 'Ye  still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and
registration, please.'
London Lawyer  says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop  says, 'The difference is, ye huvte  come to a complete stop,
that's the law, licence and registration, please!'
London  Lawyer says  'If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me
the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the  ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair.  Exit your  vehicle, sir.'
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the tripe out of the
lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me  to stop, or just slow doon?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Whizzbang - Booze Bus

Two aboriginals were driving their old Ford Falcon in the outback one Day,
when off in the distance they saw a police booze bus.
One of them thinks 'this is great' and heads straight for it.
As they pulled up, the driver winds his window down and says 'Two cans Of
Emu Export thanks mate!'
The copper looks at him and says 'You must be drunk! Get out of the car and
blow into this tube for me.'
The driver got out of the car and said 'Sorry boss, I can't blow in that. I
got a letter from the doc saying I'm Asthmatic and I'll pass out if I blow
in that.'
The cop looks at him and with a bemused look and says 'OK.
In these cases we require you to give a blood sample'.
'Nah nah sorry boss. Can't be doin' that. I got a letter from the Red Cross
saying I'm a Haemophiliac and I could bleed to death.Sorry boss, can't do
that,' said the Driver.
By now the copper is getting fairly irate and finally demands a urine
sample for testing.
The driver looks at him and says 'Sorry boss, can't do that either.'
The copper says 'Surely you can't have a letter for that!!!'
'Bloody oath mate.' says the driver, 'It's from the government,
says that:-You whiteys can't take the p*ss out of us blackfellas no more.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nottingham Smithie - how to get rid of those annoying lines or arrows with
every forward, it drives me crazy, please have mercy.

These instructions are the same for Windows XP (Outlook Express) and
Windows
Mail (Windows Vista).
1. Open Outlook Express or Windows Mail
2. Click Tools then Options
3. Click the Send tab at the top
4. Click HTML settings
5. Uncheck "Indent message on reply"
6. Click OK

This also has another benefit - it keeps mail you send from putting more
"carets" >> in front of each line.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 From: Muse - Art play
 Click here

From: Allnutts - Could you do this?????
 Click here

From: Allnutts - Woman Swallowed Whole by Leopard
 Click here

I think this may be Lindy Chamberlain!!!!!!
Woman swallowed whole by  leopard
I thought it was one of  those fake emails too, until I saw the photo
below. Somehow the woman was  lodged in the leopard's throat  until they
finally cut the  leopard's head off to let the woman  escape.   She was 
unharmed.. Unbelievable!!
*  CAUTION-   Photo follows that may be too frightening for some viewers

From: Allnutts - Beach Wear
 Click here

From: Allnutts - resimay - for me the best one this week by far.

To hoom it mae cunsern,
I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my
persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you
think that I am werth,
I can s tart emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
BRYAN  nikname  Beefy
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.
 Click here

Employer's response:...
Dear Beefy-I mean Bryan ,
It's OK honey, we've got spool chucker.
See you Monday.

From: Allnutts  -  New MRAP Vehicles Iraq
 Click here

From: Allnutts - oh men and their toys
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

From: Anatinus - Bad day on the job
 Click here

From: Burnout - New Life Posters

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

From: Burnout - It works!
 Click here

 From: Burnout - Waterbed
 Click here

From: Burnout - The importance of negotiation
 Click here

From: Cartographer Chris - prank
 Click here

From: Croydon Caz - How not to go through a toll gate
 Click here

From: Croydon Caz - Tradesman with a sense of humour
 Click here

Digi Maria - Beware of identity theft
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


From: Diks - David's stay in America
 Click here
After a short stay in America , Michelangelo's David returned to Europe

From: Moose - Wonder no more!!! - careful
 Click here Click here


From: Moose - The hardest part of being a guide dog...
 Click here

From: Muse - Britain's got dog talent...
 Click here

From: Muse - We like to talk..
 Click here

From: Nottingham Smithie - Guess the Nationality
 Click here Click here

Guess the Nationality

Give up?

POLISH !!!!

Okay, take a look...


WE ALL SMILE IN THE SAME LANGUAGE

From: Nottingham Smithie - not bad
 Click here

From: Whizzbang - My Pool Party
 Click here

From: Whizzbang - Your guardian angel
 Click here
I'm rarely this sincere, nor do I normally send these mushy things, but
Heaven has sent you a guardian Angel.
Heaven didn't want her, so they sent her to me. I don't want her either so,
I'm sending her to you.
The rules are simple: You can get rid of her anyway you like, but you can't
send her BACK

From: Whizzbang - Monkey Bike
 Click here

From: Whizzbang - Classy tattoo - look VERY closely
 Click here

From: Whizzbang - how the other half lives
 Click here

From: Whizzbang - Toilet Tiles from Arrive Alive
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 From: Whizzbang - This is GOLD!!!!
 Click here


From: Whizzbang - Winter Motorcycling
 Click here


From: Whizzbang - Freaks
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


 From: Zalaga - Selling Toyotas in Scotland
 Click here


From: Zalaga - British Humour
 Click here

From: Zalaga - Boo Hoo I didn't win
 Click here Click here Click here Click here



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 30, 2008)  Index Next (June 13, 2008)