Friday humour - May 23, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


It's great having Burnout and Smithie on board sharing the load at putting
FH together.  Also nice to see FH coming out of SE Queensland, and
Nottingham in the UK.  Who knows ...?   You may soon see an issue from the
Man on the Moon.

Just like Rove does, I decided to see if they'd answer a minute of quick
questions for $20.  As I'm a tightwad I've decided to withhold payment!  
:)

Nevertheless, here are their answers ...


SMITHIE

Starsign?
Pisces

What sort of work (did) you do?
Photographer/graphic designer

Favourite hobby/pastime?
Painting

Favourite movie?
Lawrence of Arabia

What really irritates you?
People eating with their mouth open, especially chewing gum, warm beer, not
being allowed to smoke in a pub, long winters,
cold and wet weather, constant inane chatter on the radio, poor quality
imported tv programmes, political correctness, politicians, religious
zealots, labels stuck on cds and records which damage the goods when
removed, poor slovenly service anywhere, bad manners, inabilty to use the
Queen's English orally or on paper, especially spelling mistakes,
selfishness, disloyalty,etc, I could write a book here so this will have to
suffice for now.

Favourite meal?
Seafood, texmex, chinese,thai, none of which replace my late mother's
cooking.

Preferred holiday location?
West Coast of Ireland - heaven on earth and then some!

What do you enjoy reading?
Non fiction

Favourite music?
Any solo instrument played well, new age, jazz, bagpipes, brass and
military bands, orchestral.

Arts or sport? Arts

What is your passion?
Being creative and sharing my creations with friends.

What question would you have liked to have been asked?
Would you like a free trip to the Norwegian Fjords to see the Aurora
Borealis?

Who would you turn gay for?
N/A


BURNOUT

Starsign?
Gemini, but prefer Brunettes

What sort of work do (did) you do?
Human Behaviour Modification Specialist.

Favourite hobby/pastime?
Working on my Car.

Favourite movie?
Casablanca

What really irritates you?
Politicians’ short attention span, only lasts 3 years.

Favourite meal?
Lamb Roast.

Preferred holiday location?
Clancy’s’ “Vision Splendid”

What do you enjoy reading?
Crime, Thrillers, Biographies, Military History.

Favourite music?
I know what I like and I like what I enjoy.

Arts or sport?
Mix it up.

What is your passion?
My children

What question would you have liked to have been asked?
Why does the getting of wisdom take 40 years?

Who would you turn gay for?
Phyllis Diller.         Don’t forget you asked me!


Thanks boys!   And on with the show ...


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First this week from Anatinus

                                Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she
started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your
Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.


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                                       Enlightened

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him of this habit. So one night, while they were in the middle
of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She
looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure
device...  A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She
went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him,
'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes
and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy . . You explain the kids.'


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A couple from Biggus

                                      Classical Gas

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her
rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would
have it, an Exxon gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to
the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her
that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait
until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not
to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car
that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the
patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the
station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her
car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from
across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it
starts,
I'm turning Catholic."


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Man Dressed as Darth Vader Spared Jail for Attack on Founder of Britain's
Jedi Church

HOLYHEAD, Wales - A man who dressed up as Darth Vader, wearing a garbage
bag for a cape, and assaulted the founders of a group calling itself the
Jedi church was given a suspended sentence Tuesday. Arwel Wynne Hughes,
27,
attacked Jedi church founder Barney Jones - aka Master Jonba Hehol - with a
metal crutch, hitting him on the head, prosecutors told Holyhead
Magistrates' Court. He also whacked Jones' 18-year-old cousin, Michael
Jones - known as Master Mormi Hehol - bruising his thigh in the March 25
incident,
prosecutors said. The two cousins and Barney Jones' brother, Daniel, set up
the Church of Jediism, Anglesey order, last year. Jedi is the faith
followed by some of the central characters in the "Star Wars" films. The
group, which claims about 30 members, says on its Web site that it uses
"insight and knowledge" from the films as "a guide to living a better and
more worthwhile life." "We all love the films and what they stand for.
Obviously some people are going to laugh about it," the Wales on Sunday
newspaper quoted Barney
Jones as saying last month. "But a lot of people do take it seriously."
Unfortunately for Hughes, his March attack was recorded on a video camera
that the cousins had set up to film themselves in a light sabre battle.
"Darth Vader! Jedis!" Hughes shouted as he approached. Hughes claimed he
couldn't remember the incident, having drunk the better part of a 2
1/2-gallon box of wine beforehand. "He knows his behaviour was wrong and
didn't want it to happen but he has no recollection of it," said Hughes'
lawyer, Frances Jones. District Judge Andrew Shaw sentenced Hughes to two
months in jail but suspended the sentence for one year. He also ordered
Hughes to pay $195 to each of his victims and $117 in court costs. In the
2001 United Kingdom census, 390,000 - 0.7 percent of the population -
listed
Jedi as their religion.

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Here's some from Diks

                              Latest Golf Codes ...

Golf has given us some unusual and colorful terms to describe shots such as
'shank', 'chili-dip', 'skull', 'duck-hook', 'worm-burner', etc. Here are
some new ones to add to your vocabulary.

A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's an impossible read.
A 'Rock Hudson' - it looked straight, but wasn't.
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.
A 'Yasser Arafat'  - butt ugly and in the sand.
A 'John Kennedy Jr'., - didn't make it over the water.
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.
An 'O. J. Simpson' - got away with it.
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used a driver.
A 'condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a bit too far to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - way too far to the left.
A 'Barbra Streisand' - ugly but still working.
A 'Teddy Kennedy' - goes in the water, but jumps out.


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                                  Golf and Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he
was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist
two years before. 'Is that so?' the first old gentleman asked.'Did he do a
good job?' The second gent replied, 'Well, I was on the golf course
yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must
have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in my nuts.'

The first old guy was confused and asked, 'What does that have to do with
your dentures?'

The second man answered, 'That was the first time in two years that my
teeth didn't hurt.'


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This is from newcontributor EJ

                                         The Loo

The item under the heading "cruelest form of eye test" posted on Feb 1 2008
reminds me of something similar.

Imagine a poster of a nude on the back of a toilet door. In bold writing
next to the face the words say - "These lips have never been kissed
before".


Lower down in smaller writing - " These breasts have never been caressed
before".

Much lower down is very tiny writing which I can not read from my position.
I lean forward and read ... "You are now sh*tting at an angle of 45
degrees".

The toilet door is about a foot above the floor to allow for ventilation.
At the bottom of the door a sign warns me to "Beware of limbo dancers"


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This stuff was from Front Range Barbie

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?(written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports,
she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and
dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're
stuck with.. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.--
Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids.-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynn
,
age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date.-- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with
that.-
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to
clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin,
age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
--, Rick age 10


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Check this site out

Ok, im anonymous on this one!!!

It's amazing what GPS technology can do these days!

 Click here


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Just click on the link below, click on play, then leave your mouse alone,
sit back and enjoy a piece of creative brilliance.

 Click here
nbecker.swf


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                          Why we miss Rodney Dangerfield

Because he said . .. .

My wife only has s*x with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time
an egg. It's tough to stay married.

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass! Last
night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a s*xy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over There's nobody home.' I went over.
Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache. I went to a massage parlor. It
was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no s*x life at all. I was making
love to this girl and she started crying I said, 'Are you going to hate
yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you
put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure s*x offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not s*xy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling. My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we
pray after the meal. My wife likes to talk on the phone during s*x; she
called me from Chicago last night.

My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't of had
anything to play with.


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And from Seasoldier

                         THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns
and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this!!!!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of
National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US
Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop
visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended. You gotta love the Marines!


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These are from Stumpy Steve


                                 Microsoft Employees

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three
Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it
herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be
up any minute now..."


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                               Seamus & the Taxman

The Inland Revenue decides to audit Paddy, and summons him to an
appointment with the most thorough auditor in the office. The auditor is
not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling.  I'm not sure the Inland Revenue finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Paddy. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, 'Okay. You're on!'

Paddy says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pound that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'No way! It's a bet.'

Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Paddy says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pound that I can bite my other
eye.' The auditor can tell Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now
realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor
as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Would you like to go double or nothing?' Paddy asks. 'I'll bet you six
thousand pound that I can stand on one side of your desk and p*ss into
that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Paddy stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he
strains for all his worth, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the
other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The
auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a big win.

But Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head in his hands.

Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the solicitor 'This morning, when Paddy told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me £20,000 that he could come in here
and p*ss all over your desk - and that you'd be happy about it.


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Here's a couple from Minnesota Scott


Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried
everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers.  In
short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in
the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home
with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother
Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and
papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at
work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the
minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no
time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for
some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made
all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on
the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
Little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said,
"Son,
what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

"Well, then," she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure,
the uniforms?  WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling
around."


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                                     Second Coming

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the restaurant and
asked,
"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus
a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a
cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that
Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
hot tea, "My treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a
Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
"Hey there,
honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light!"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over
there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a
cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and
said,
"For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come
back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up,
and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips
out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled,
"Don't touch me! I'm collecting disability."


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Here's Whizzbang's Weekly Rave

                       Condom factory burns down in NZ

Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the
telephone.

Hillen, its the hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but
there is an emergency!!! I've just received word thet the Durex factory en
Aucklnd hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New
Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week!

PM: 'SHUT!!! - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those
unwanted bebies - w'ill be ruined!!'

Hilth Munister: 'We're going to hef to shup some in from.... Brutain?'

PM: 'No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!!'

Hilth Munister: 'What about Australia ?'

PM: 'I'll call Kevin Rudd - tell hum we need one million condoms; ten
enches long and eight enches thuck!! That way they'll continue to respect
the all blacks!'

Three days later a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds
one million condoms;
10 enches long; 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold. with small
writing on each one...

MADE IN AUSTRALIA
- SIZE: MEDIUM

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie... Oy Oy Oy


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                          RESPECT OUR RIGHTS TO RIDE

I saw you, hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line. But you
didn't see me put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.

I saw you pull your child closer when we passed each other on the
sidewalk..
But you didn't see me playing Santa at the local mall.

I saw you change your mind about going into the restaurant when you saw my
bike parked out front.

But you didn't see me attending a meeting to raise more money for the
hurricane relief.

I saw you roll up your window and shake your head when I rode by. But you
didn't see me riding behind you when you flicked your cigarette butt out
the car window.

I saw you frown at me when I smiled at your children. But you didn't see
me,
when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.

I saw you stare at my long hair. But you didn't see me and my friends cut
ten inches off for Locks of Love.

I saw you roll your eyes at our leather jackets and gloves. But you didn't
see me and my brothers donate our old ones to those that had none.

I saw you look in fright at my tattoos. But you didn't see me cry as my
children where born or have their name written over and in my heart.

I saw you change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere. But you didn't
see me going home to be with my family.

I saw you, complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be. But you
didn't see me when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.

I saw you yelling at your kids in the car. But you didn't see me pat my
child's hands knowing she was safe behind me.

I saw you reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road. But you
didn't see me squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next
turn.

I saw you race down the road in the rain. But you didn't see me get soaked
to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.

I saw you run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time. But you
didn't see me trying to turn right.

I saw you cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in. But you
didn't see me leave the road.

I saw you, waiting impatiently for my friends to pass. But you didn't see
me. I wasn't there.

I saw you go home to your family. But you didn't see me. Because I died
that day you cut me off.

I was just a biker. A person with friends and a family. But you didn't see
me.

Repost this around in hopes that people will understand the biker
community.

If you don't repost this, it sucks to be you. I hope you never loose
someone that rides.

EVEN IF YOU DON'T LIKE US, RESPECT OUR RIGHTS TO RIDE WHAT WE CHOOSE AND
TAKE A FEW EXTRA SECONDS TO BE SURE WE ARE NOT IN 'YOUR' WAY!


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   FIFTEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

1. Never, under any circ*mstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would
be
'meetings.'

3. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make
a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as
grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn
into something acceptable to have dinner with.


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These came from Zalaga of Nottingham

                                  Why parents drink?

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had
not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of
the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number
and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy
there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again,
whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they
searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

That's why parents drink!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


To the pic files now ... and they're from Moose, Diks, Croydon Caz,
Allnutts, Canadian Muse, Digi Maria, Zalaga, Smithie in Sherwood Forest,
The
Duke of Barsinov, Front Range Barbie, Burnout, Biggus, Anatinus,
Seasoldier,
Whizzbang, and The Great Gussius.

Chopper Pilot
 Click here

The Illusion
This is the craziest thing I've seen in a long time.  You also have to get
out of your seat and walk away from your computer for 5 meters.
People may think you're crazy. But the illusion works!
When you look at this picture in a closer look you see its Albert
Einstein .
But if you stand 5 meters distance. It will become Marilyn Monroe .
 Click here

When enough is not enough
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Greener grass
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Lucky
 Click here

Ever wonder?
Ever wonder what happened to those cute and crazy good lookin' young hippie
chicks that did drugs smoked weed and 'did' every guy during the 'Age of
Aquarius' back in the '60's?
 Click here

Elephant Jumping On Trampoline
 Click here

Man puts his wife on eBay....
 Click here Click here Click here

NEW International Symbol for Petrol!!
 Click here

Tradesman you can trust
 Click here

Help!
 Click here

Black & White to Colour
 Click here

AO
 Click here Click here

Near Fatal Crash
 Click here

Dementia - the married version
 Click here

Should I Get a Dog or Have a Child
 Click here Click here

Damn, I should have thought of that...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Our Gas Money Goes Somewhere
THE CAR COST $4.8 MIL.
AND IF YOU WANT TO TOUCH IT, YOU HAVE TO PAY $1000.
IT BELONGS TO PRINCE AL-WALEED FROM SAUDI ARABIA.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Short and Sweet
Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced
 Click here

Mr President
 Click here

How to carry plywood.
 Click here

Read text before opening attachment
These people were always finding water all over their pool deck and
furniture, every time they came home, after being away for a few hours. 
They thought the neighbourhood kids were watching for them to leave, and
using the pool.  However, they could never catch them doing it.  So, they
set up their video cam and left.  This is what they found out.
 Click here

Ya gotta see this DOG ..
 Click here

Darwinism
 Click here

Just weird stuff... more than one... watch to the end
 Click here

How did they do that?
 Click here

Farting in a ladies toilet
 Click here

Beach Pic of the Year
 Click here

Safety Awards 2007
 Click here

Does my bum look big in this?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Muslims March In London
View the pictures below and decide how you really feel about the future of
the Western World.   You won't see these in the
Sydney Morning Herald or hear about this on the evening news!
Why would that be?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Splash Car!!
 Click here

WWII Tank Found after 62 Years.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Love it
 Click here

Chilean Volcano
 Click here


Urgent Message
 Click here

Only in Russia
 Click here

Loo break
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Chat up line
 Click here

Some graphs of interest and a couple of other funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from Zalaga

                                       Oh Lord

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and
had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this
time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the
Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally
together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I Think he means her legs."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                              The Wisdon of Peter Kaye

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said
'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him
to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on
with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But
one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my
bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was
sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why
he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) Sex is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said
'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things
they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've
forgotten this before

PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A couple from Allnutts

                                      Not the needle

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled.  The dentist pulls
out a needle with numbing medicine to give the man.

'No way! No needles! I hate needles!' the patient said.

So the dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again
objects.

'I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!'

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

'No objection,' the patient says, 'I am fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, 'Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow - I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

'It doesn't,' said the dentist, 'but it will give you something to hold
onto when I pull out your tooth.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                        Service Station Electronic Upgrade

Breaking News:
CNN reports that gas stations will start showing PORN movies on the screens
of the pumps, so that you can see someone else get screwed at the same time
you do...!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This stuff came from our own Burnout

                                    The woman in me

Last night, my Girl Friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10
note.  When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the note and
stuck it to his butt cheek!?

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 note. She called the guy
back, licks the $20, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a
$50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the $50.

I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck
it to one of his butt cheeks again.?

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!

Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to
try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.  What could I do??

Then the woman in me took over!?

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,  grabbed the
eighty dollars and left!!!?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                        A game to keep the bored amused

                      Click here


                       The Boys Own Book of Outdoor Sports

 Click here


                         Where does your Petroleum Dollar Go?

                  Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Digi Maria

                                 "The Death of English"

European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be
the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government
conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has
accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of
'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less
letter.


There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with
'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vordskontaining 'ou'
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech
oza.
Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's some stuff from Moose

                              CALIBRATING YOUR MOUSE

Is your mouse calibrated?

You should do this every few weeks, just like an Anti-virus update, etc.

More often if you spend a lot of time on the computer.

I was shocked to see that this works!

To re-calibrate your mouse, click and hold on the Y below.

Then drag the Y toward the g.

If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

You dumb ass. You'll believe anything.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


           Only an Aussie man can make you feel like a woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things
went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely.  She stood up in the front of the plane and
screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm
going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there
anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in
the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear
of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went,
one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled
across his chest. She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                           Poke

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients
were shouting ,'13....13....13'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks
and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started
shouting '14....14....14'...


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hey - a political comment and more from our Smithie of Nottingham

                                     Crash Gordon!

Dear Mr Brown - I hope, at long last the working British people now
understand what Labour is all about - taxing us until we squeak, VAT on
fuel duty, wasting money on social engineering, paying handouts to
layabouts so they can get drunk and breed like rabbits (and vote Labour).
Lies, spin,
deceit and sleaze.

Speed cameras sprouting like dandelions turning ordinary motorists into
criminals, (how many millions have you caught?) uniformed jobsworths
prowling the streets to catch the law abiding citizen who allegedly drop
apple cores but ignoring feral yobs, community support officers who
wouldn't go into a pond to save the life of a child - but waited until a
real policeman arrived who didn't hesitate - sadly, by which time it was
too late, dust-bin police - making householders into criminals for putting
the wrong waste into a rubbish container, but Human Rights laws which mean
we cannot extradite dangerous foreign individuals from OUR country in case
they are badly treated - you really couldn't make this up.

Labour bankrupted the country last time you were in power and you have just
done it again. You, Mr Brown, you are the architect of these disasters -
Bliare got out while you lot were still fairly popular - but I bet Bliare
could see what was coming. Well, I hope the morons who voted for you
arrogant incompetents are satisfied. Mr Brown - you need to stay in power
and continue wrecking our country because our revenge at the next general
election will be so much sweeter


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                Leroy and the Gorillla

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of
gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and
difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined
the problem: The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no
male gorillas available to mate with her.

While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Leroy, a
part-time redneck intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animals'
cages. Leroy, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample
ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators
thought they might have a solution.

Leroy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have s*x
with gorilla for $500? Leroy showed some interest, but said he would have
to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Leroy announced that he would accept their offer, but
only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to
kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."

The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, and so they
asked him what was his third condition.

"Well," said Leroy, "you gotta give me a week to come up with the money."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


More from Seasoldier

                           HISTORY OF VALENTINES DAY

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And
if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride.

"David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the sh*t out of him."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                          SPANISH CLASS & COMPUTERS

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House" for instance is feminine "la casa"

"Pencil" however is masculine "el lapiz"

A student asked, "What gender is computer?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer"
should be masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the
feminine gender ("la computadora") because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later revival/retrieval, and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group however, concluded that computers should be masculine
("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem, and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have got a better model!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                           Hindu

Finally, somebody has cleared this up ...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or
religion, but the Indian Embassy in Toronto has recently revealed the true
story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won
a convenience store, a service station, a doughnut shop or a motel in
Ontario.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
giving technical advice.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


(When asked on Wednesday if he was confident he would lead the Opposition
to the next election ...)


            "As confident as ….............. yes, very confident."


                                                              Dr Brendon
Nelson
                                   Leader of the Liberal Party of Australia


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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