Friday humour - May 16, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Well, my dire prediction of four weeks ago has not come to pass, thanks
completely to the two volunteers that put their hands up to become
editors. Regular readers will have sampled the talents of Burnout and
Smithie over the last two editions. They have both shown their metal, and
have done exemplary jobs for their first efforts. This means that Friday
Humour will continue into the future. I for one am glad of it.

This does not mean the books are closed. If anyone else out there in reader
land wants to have a crack at editing, you are more than welcome to have a
go. The more the merrier.

This week's collection comes courtesy of Allnutts, Anatinus, Burnout,
Croydon Caz, Diks, Elle, Front Range Barbie, KRP from Coffs
Harbour, Mitta, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Stumpy Steve, Whizzbang,
Zalaga, and the ever reliable anonymi.

My favourite for this week is - the best pool shot.
 Click here

And now let us get on with the written mirth ...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Interesting Human Body Facts

- The largest cell in the human body is the female egg, and the smallest is
the male sperm.

- A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

- It takes food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

- The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

- The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

- A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

- If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he
died.

- Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver
than men with hair.

- There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

- Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square
inch.

- Women blink twice as much as men.

- The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

- When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...they do
the same when you are looking at someone you hate!

- Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

- Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

- If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

- The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

*** You looked at your thumb..... Didn't you?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great s*x, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis,
something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, 'Why do you love doing that?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine'.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circ*mstances.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann,
listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other.

He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite
flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, 'Robin
Hood-All-purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WATER
My vieja gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF
My homie farted gacho, bad, and I couldn't brief.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM
Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN
My vieja wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A woman called her young married daughter one morning and said, "Hi,
sweetie, how's your day going?"

Nearly in tears, she said, "Oh mom! It's terrible! The house is full of
dirty laundry and the baby was fussy all night so I got almost no sleep,
and my wonderful husband just phoned to say he has invited his boss and
his wife for dinner tonight, and I don't know what I'm going to do!"

"Tell you what, honey. I'll come over. I'll pick up some groceries on the
way. I'll do your wash and mind the baby while you take a nice nap and
I'll cook a nice dinner that will impress Bob's boss. How about that?"

"Did you say BOB'S boss?"

"Why, yes. Isn't this 651-4114? Becky?"

"No, this is Cindy at 651-4141."

"Oh my gosh! I dialled the wrong number! I'm so sorry!"

After a pause "Does this mean you aren't coming over?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question: 'Robert, if you were on a date
having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom?'

Robert said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by
saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you
Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be
right back.' 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word
bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Brian, can you use your
brain for once and show us your good manners?

'I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you
to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Cow (a new variation on an old classic)

Heather Mills-McCartney was being driven around the countryside in her
limo. Suddenly a cow walked into the road and, unable to stop in time, the
limo hit the cow. Slightly shaken up, the driver went to see if the cow was
alright. 'Is it alright?' asked Heather .

The driver prodded the cow with his foot and shook his head. 'No ma'am,
it's dead.'

'Well you were driving, so you can go tell the farmer what happened!' So
the driver went off to the nearby farm.

A couple of hours later he came back holding a bottle of wine, his clothes
scruffy and messed up. 'Oh my god, what happened to you?'
Heather exclaimed.

'Well ma'am,' explained the driver, 'the farmer gave me this bottle of
wine, the farmer's wife gave me a kiss and their daughter made love to
me.'

'Just what the hell did you say to them?'

'I'm Heather Mills-McCartney's driver and I've just killed the cow.'

-- TAKE TWO --

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried
to avoid it but couldn't. The aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary
told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what
had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes
in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one
hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily,
smeared with lipstick.

'What happened to you,' asked Hillary?

'Well,' the driver replied, 'the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me
the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!'

'My God, what did you tell them?' asked Hillary.

The driver replied, 'I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary
Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so
fast I couldn't stop it. '

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer
it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and
Guatemala,

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help
the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes
and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.

Thank you for your help.

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
(Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in Canterbury Bankstown and,
trying to make a good impression on her first day,
explains to
Her class that she is a Bulldogs fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Bulldogs fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bulldogs fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Bulldogs fan,
then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Cowboys fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Mary, why are you a Cowboys fan?"

"My mum and dad were born and raised in Townsville, so my mum is a Cowboys
fan and my dad is a Cowboys fan, and so I'm a Cowboys fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no reason
for you to be an Cowboys fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute, your dad was a drug addict, and your
brother was a car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary said, "I'd be a Bulldogs fan."

Go the Cowboys ...

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First-year students

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class
with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them: 'In medicine, it is
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you
not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.'

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in
the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. '
Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually
took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on
it. Each one tried his best not to puke.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
'The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle
finger and sucked on my Index finger.

Now learn to pay attention.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

DOCTORS NEVER LAUGH

Bob went to the doctor with a problem and asked the doctor not to laugh.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the
tiniest 'todger' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger
than the size of an AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing
to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and
regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over
me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen
again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals. King Kong,
an Ape, an Orang-utan and a Monkey . They decide to compete to see who is
the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.

Think carefully ... Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

If your answer is:
Orang-utan = you're dull & normal
Ape = you're a moron
Monkey = worse, you're an idiot
King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid
Why?

A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas! Obviously you're stressed and
overworked.

Take some time off and relax!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail!
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I Gave
her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46 .64. I gave the money back
to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favour. She became
indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing,
and returned the money again. I gave her the money back. Same scenario! I
departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail!
I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande
Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard
that said 'buy one- get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,'
she said, 'so I guess they're both free' She handed me my free Lattes and I
walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Three Maoris.
(we haven't seen this one since November 1998! That's a record for a repeat
- Ed.)

Three Maoris and three Australians are travelling by train to a Rugby match
at the World Cup in England.

At the station, the three Maoris each buy a ticket and watch as the three
Aussies buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going
to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Maoris.

"Watch and learn mate," answers one of the Aussies. They all board the
train. The Maoris take their respective seats but all three
Aussies cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting
tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Maoris see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
game, they decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some
money (being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Maori.

"Watch and learn mate," answers an Aussie.

When they board the train the three Maoris cram into a toilet and soon
after the three Aussies cram into another nearby.

The train departs.

Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves their toilet and walks over
to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas
flight. After a few c*cktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and
this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded,
"and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could
never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how
many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you
this morning?"

"Don't stop."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Tips for the ladies in year 2008

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.
2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.
3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of
tequila.
4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!
5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).
6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal
with it.
7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your
personality.
8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.
9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you
walk funny.
11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it
with vodka.
12. Remember every good looking, sweet, single male is someone else's
ex-boyfriend!

Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a
hangover, or just suffering from work, that might need a reason to smile!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Lifecycle

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68,
and 78?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story? What bed? Who the hell are you?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Obviously written by someone who is NOT a fan!

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the
word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm,
is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would
be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said Rudd " that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. Rudd " that's what we would call great
loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rudd searched the
room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Mrs. Rudd was struck
by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Rudd . 'That's right. And can you tell me why that
would be tragedy?'

'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident
either!'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And to finish off the text stuff this week, here's one we haven't seen
since March 1998, which is I guess why it's a bit dated.

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way
computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, 'If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release
stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash ... twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a
new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would
have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off
the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For
some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your
car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to
reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five
percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be
replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal
Operation' warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle,
turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how
to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the
same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Lithuanian Umbrella
 Click here

First broadcast on BBC Panorama on 1st April 1957, a very young Richard
Dimbleby revealed the wonderful world of Swiss spaghetti production to
millions of deprived and hungry post-war Brits. The reaction from the
public was ... amusing.
 Click here Click here Click here

The original who invited tequila
 Click here

How quickly the years pass
 Click here Click here Click here

Rubber man.
 Click here

The 2008 submarine championship races.
 Click here

Why I am scared of flying.
 Click here

Overdose Victims
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Is this True?
 Click here

Clever Advertising
 Click here

Morale
 Click here

Toons for the Aged
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Australia Says NO!
 Click here

High power treadmill!
 Click here

Batesville, Mississippi Muffler Shop
 Click here

Husband Song (needs sound)
 Click here

Business Card (it doesn't take long ...)
 Click here

I got the wrong job ...
 Click here

How to multiply ... interesting!
 Click here

Fastest Gun Ever (video stops short)
 Click here

No swim suits in the lobby please.
 Click here

Stout with love ...
 Click here

Ready or not
 Click here

Here's one robber who met his match.
 Click here

Not now mom ...
 Click here

A couple of quick laps.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Not sure who she is ... but clearly she knows you!
 Click here

Spot the Aussie (XXX)
 Click here

GREAT new speed limit device
 Click here Click here Click here

How to tell when your skirt's too short! (XXX)
 Click here

Angry Caller ... Coar*e language! (I'm with this guy - Ed.)
 Click here

Question: What kind of bow is this?
 Click here Click here
Answer: Who Gives a Shit?

Voted best commercial in Europe.
 Click here

Michelangelo's David statue.
 Click here

Amazing Photos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The only animal not hunted for its skin.
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (May 09, 2008)  Index Next (May 23, 2008)