Friday humour - May 09, 2008


[From Smithie at Bluehaze]

This week we have a fine selection from many contributors, including
Allnutts, Burnout, Croydon Caz, Mad Mick, Moose, Nottingham
Smithie, Whizzbang, Zalaga, Cartographer Chris, Diks, Duke of Barsinov,
Front Range Barbie, Mitta, Muse, Anonymous, Stumpy Steve and
The Great Gussius.

If we have failed to mention a contributor sorry - Next time use joined up
writing! - Many Thanks for your effort in sharing these,
they say humour can help keep the blues at bay, and so can exercise - so
use your chuckle muscles regularly.

Friday Humour is a way of life, it has become an institution, and laughing
a way of keeping healthy, mentally and physically. Have a good week folks.
We hope you enjoy this weeks selection - and remember, without you all it
wouldn't exist - So Thank You all again.

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The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Mike
Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area stands up and
proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every
year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, if the
Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a
foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his
children!" More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, if the Vicar stays,
I will give him s*x." There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, " F*ck the
Vicar".

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101 Things NOT to say on your wedding night

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time right? Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter s*xually) But I just steam-cleaned this
couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfilment of ################!
31. (in a ménage a trios) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is this mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my ########### operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think s*x means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like.
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen 'Fatal Attraction'?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for 'The Enquirer'.
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

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Definition of a happy man.

Daughter on the front cover of Vogue.
Son on the front cover of a sports magazine.
Mistress on the cover of Playboy.
and; Wife on the cover of missing persons!


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Things Not To Say During Childbirth.

-- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of
childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen
minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my
ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for
dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild
boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not
using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

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The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot
dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog!. Now read without the word
dog.

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The
kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop
finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket not your stub."

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads,
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally,
a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck
driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow
I said I was suffering from complete and utter s*xual exhaustion?" The
entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."

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CAN YOU FIGURE OUT THESE FIVE RIDDLES?

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you
throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday,
Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can
find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that
you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with
it! It is highly unusual though.
Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But
if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That
one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English
language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

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Too Much 90s!

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He e-mails
you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"

4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
haven't spoken with your next door neighbour yet this year.

6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
contains Echinacea.

7. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a
JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen-saver.

8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of
the screen.

10. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for
half the price you paid.

11. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
purchase is foreign to you.

12. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the
back seat of your car.

13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not
have e-mail addresses.

14. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.

15. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.

16. Your idea of being organised is multiple-collared Post-it notes.

17. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

18. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.

19. You turn off your modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just
pulled the plug on a loved one.

20. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your
way back to bed.

22. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

23. You're reading this.

24. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.

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Barry.

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight
hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, Honey ? Please ? Just one more time
before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have four
hours left ! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.

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A true story ... The three bears

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks
into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he
squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?'
he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with
you idiots?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the
newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray,
gave them their food, and refilled their water.
And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm
only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!

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There are 25 questions about things we see every day or have known about
all of our lives. How many can you get right?

These little, simple questions are harder than you think - it just shows
how little we pay attention to the commonplace things in life.
Put your thinking caps on. No cheating! No looking around! No getting out
of your chair! No using anything on or around your desk,
or your computer!
Can you beat 18? The average is 7. Write down your answers as you go and
check them at the bottom, AFTER completing the questions

REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! BE HONEST!!! That means no looking at your phone
or anything else on your desk...

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.

Here we go!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the Australia? (Don't laugh, some people
don't know)

3. In which hand is the United States 'Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. Which 3 colours are on our shop "SPOTLIGHT" logo?

5. Which two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?
(Don't you dare get up to see!)

7. How many matches are in a standard box?

8. On the Australian flag, how many stars are there?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a 'no smoking' sign's slash run?

12. What are the top three numbers on a calculator?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. How many sides does a stop sign have?

16. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

17. How many wheel nuts are on a standard car wheel?

18. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

19. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

20. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

21. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

22. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening
between the slats?

23. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. Which 2 symbols bear no
Digits?

24. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

25. Does a merry-go-round turn clockwise or anti-clockwise?

And now for the answers ...

1. BOTTOM

2. SIX (and two territories)

3. RIGHT

4. RED, WHITE & BLUE

5. 1 and 0

6. RIGHT

7. 50

8. SIX (Federation star plus five Southern Cross Stars)

9. 87.5

10. CLOCKWISE (in Southern Hemisphere)

11. TOP LEFT TO BOTTOM RIGHT

12. SEVEN, EIGHT & NINE

13. LEFT

14. CLOCKWISE (as you look at it)

15. EIGHT

16. LEFT

17. FIVE

18. SIX

19. BASHFUL

20. SIX

21. ACE OF SPADES

22. LEFT

23. * & #

24. THREE

25. ANTI-CLOCKWISE

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The Penis Song ... This has sound so be careful who is around!!

YOU HAVE TO CLICK ON THE PENIS - REMEMBER TO TURN UP THE SOUND
 Click here

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MARK ON MATHS

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little MARK.
He replies, 'None , they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little MARK says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little MARK replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the
Wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE MARK ON MATHS (Part 2)

Little MARK returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies MARK.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f*cking difference?' asks the father
'That's what I said!'


LITTLE MARK ON ENGLISH

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?'
MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'
Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR

Little MARK was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom. He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a p*ss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, MARK, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-I-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow
You to go.'
Little MARK, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'


LITTLE MARK ON GRAMMAR (Pt 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence
twice.
First, she called! On little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought
my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little
Michael.
' My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little MARK.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father she was
Pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f*cking beautiful!''

LITTLE MARK ON GETTING OLDER

Little MARK was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you
acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little MARK replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little MARK answered, 'No, he minded his own f*cking business.


I LOVE Little MARK!!!

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If this doesn't make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial
troubles.
While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new
bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the
congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10
each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and
were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts
about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because
he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly.
But, NOT WANTING TO discourage
Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked
with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of
their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately
asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last
week?'

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales
prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on
behalf of the church.'

'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are
indeed a fine salesman,
and the Church is indebted to you.'

Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church
last week?'

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, 'I am a
professional salesman.
I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church,
and here's $280 I collected.'

The minister responded, 'That's absolutely splendid,
Paul. You are truly a professional salesman,
and the church is indebted to you.'

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said,
'And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?'
Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents.
'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louie, there's $3200 in here!
Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church,
door to door, in just one week?'

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and
Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen,
yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could.'

'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the minister! agreed.
'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this,
Louie.'

Louie shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for
sh-sh-sh-sure, ' he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For crying out loud,
Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'

'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied,
'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy
th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or- --
wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re
and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones?
They still are!

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Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of
Stella and sticks them into the trolley.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says.
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on
shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
into the trolley.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.

The man replies...
"SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F***ING PRICE"

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Another true story.

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping through the forest road when she sees
The big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
'My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.' The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this
time he is crouched behind a bush. 'My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf.'
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little
Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down
behind a rock. 'My what big teeth you have Mr.
Wolf.' With that the wolf jumps up and screams, 'Will you knock it off, I'm
trying to sh*t!'


 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my
mother had passed away."
The boss feeling sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day?
Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here.
I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that
here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours
pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.

"What's so bad now?
Are you going to be okay?", he asks.
"No" exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister.
Her mother died too!"

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Forgive me, father, for I have sinned
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I
almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said,
'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had s*x with
each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This is a typical man story ... Amish Sex

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, ' My hands are freezing
cold.' The mother replied, ' Put them between your legs. Your body heat
will warm them up.' The daughter did,
and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding with her
boyfriend who said ' My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, ' Put
them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and
warmed his hands. The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy
with the daughter. He said, ' My nose is cold.' The girl replied, ' Put it
between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up.' He did and warmed
his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter,
and he said, ' My penis is frozen solid.' The following day the daughter
was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her
mother, ' Have you ever heard of a penis?' Slightly concerned the mother
said,' Why, yes...! Why do you ask? ' The daughter replies: ' They make
one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they? '

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JELLYBEANS.

A little kid was sitting on the top of a flight of stairs and his Mum was
watching him.
The kid had a bag of jellybeans. He put one in his mouth, ate it,
grabbed the cat and bit it.
Then dropped down to the next step, put another jelly bean in his  mouth,
ate it, bit the cat again and dropped down to the next step.
 His mum wondered what he was doing and went up and asked him.
 "I'm playing truckies,? Said the kid, "Poppin pills, eating pussy and
movin'on."

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various brewing
organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: 'In 'Strylya, we make the
best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate.'

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: 'In the States, we brew the finest
beers of the world, and I make the king of them all, gimme a Bud.'

Hans steps up next: 'In Germany ve invented das beer, ferdamt. Give me ein
Becks, ya ist der real King of beers, danke.'

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: 'Barman, would ya give me a diet
coke with ice and lemon? Tanks.'

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over
their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: 'Are you not going to have a Guinness,
Pat?'

Paddy replies 'Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither
am I!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

OK folks now it's time for some pics and movies.

Yacht delivery ...
 Click here Click here Click here

65' custom-built motor yacht complete with 4 staterooms,
a state-of-the-art galley, GPS System and radar for navigation,
twin supercharged diesel engines, etc.
$4,500,000.00

Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries with cream and music dockside for
the excited 'soon to be owners' and a small group of friends.
$500.00

Two corporate representatives, crane, and rigging complete with faulty
turnbuckle.
$2,500/hour ... (Note the guy in the stern!)

Watching your dreamboat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two
corporate Representatives just prior to 'inking' the final paperwork...
PRICELESS!

So, how was your day?

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Oil Crisis.

Garfield on the oil crisis.

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in
our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical.

Our OIL is located in

Bass Strait
East Queensland Shale Fields
Canning Basin
Perth Basin and
North-West Continental Shelf

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Canberra!

Any Questions ??? ... No? I didn't Think So

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Wedding of the Wongs

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a
Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents.
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's
don't make a white, so I think we will name him...
Are you ready for this?

Sum Ting Wong

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Take care on the water.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging,
Violent river. Needing to get to the other side,
the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength
and the tools to cross the river'
Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was
able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the
river'

Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred
yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'

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Guess whatttttt.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

His & Hers Harley's.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Knock Knock.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 The Veterinarian.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Teaching scenarios, 1957/2007
 Click here
This is too true to be really funny but should be read by all
teachers/former teachers.

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Clever ad.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Beijing Olympians diet
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Even MORE Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

 Polish Hangover finalists 2007
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Sperm bank waiting room. Holy Shit! (XXX)
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Why I didn't make the Olympics
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Irish Vasectomy (XXX)
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

I didn't know that!

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand
And" lollipop is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you
tried this out mentally, didn't you?)

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".? (Are you
doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

the words 'race car,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left (palindromes) ... (Yep, I knew you
were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting
this, are you?)


There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in
order:
"abstemious" and "facetious." (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o
u)


TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on
one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.( Some days that's about what
my memory span is.)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this
too.!)

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that
also)

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches
2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never
end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.)

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know more than you did before!!

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Michael Jackson Dance
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Generation Y ... Now I Understand it ...

The Silent generation, people born before 1945.
The Baby Boomers, people born between 1945 and 1961.
Generation X, people born between 1962 and 1976.
Generation Y, people born between 1977 and 1989.
Why do we call the last long generation Y.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How to Get Rid of a One-Night Stand
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Female logic.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And you think our transit system sucks.
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Ping Pong Raoul
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

In your dreams ...
 Click here

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

GREAT ADVICE!

If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come
home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout
..... Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Fastest State Trooper in the World!
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_..____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Nature trail
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A Family Business
 Click here
It didn't take long ...

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How to design a Logo. Marketing in China.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

___._-fh-_..____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Skeet shooting
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Love that Aussie humour!
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Gentlemen ... After years of genetic experimentation, and dabbling with DNA
code, they finally got it right. Announcing: The Perfect
Woman !
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Beijing Fast Food
 Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Niice ass.
 Click here
I think they are in trouble

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


HOLDING THE SUN. . . MARVELLOUS PHOTOGRAPHY!
 . .These photos are works of art!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

THE HAIRCUT !

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies,
'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The
cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve
Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.
'Then, an MP comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the
barber again replies,
'I cannot accept money from you I'm doing community service this week.' The
MP is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen MPs
lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the members of our
Parliament.--

Vote carefully.

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.._



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[ End friday humour ]

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