Friday humour - May 02, 2008
Hello fellow humorists,
Due to managerial retirements at Blue Haze, I have elected to take up an
editorial position in order to keep OUR FH on line. This edition of FH is
being compiled in the deep north around Brisbane. That's in Queensland for
those of you who live in the southern regions. (Those of you who live
further a-field already knew that because you are well travelled).
I am going to take an opportunity to say thanks to Dave, Digi Steve & Deano,
who kept Tony's Blue Haze going over the years. Without the efforts of this
group we would find the world a duller place.
These editors kept the FH dream alive.
So keep those contributions coming in - we all need laughter in our lives.
Burnout.
Ok to the Text, contributions this week are from:-
Allnutts, Croydon Caz, Davo, Whizzbang, & Burnout.
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called pullets', and ten roosters, whose job it was
to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that
didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful
lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was,
too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would
run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in
his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in
the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the
judges.
The result:...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize,
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch
was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure
out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they
weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully...the bells are not always audible!
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Time left
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her
teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognise you."
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Lefties miss Howard
Hating Howard gave life real meaning. What is a good leftie to do now, asks
Catherine Deveny.
I'LL tell you something for free. The leftie dinner parties aren't nearly
as much fun as they used to be. We miss Howard. Sure, we're glad he's
gone, but we miss him. We got what we wanted but now we've got bugger all
to talk about. Nothing to rail against. Nothing to make us thump our fists
on the table and force spit to fly out of our mouths. Nothing to set our
eyes ablaze. Last year the left was on fire. This year we're happy. And
we're not happy about it. The left loves a whinge, a wine and a rant.
As soon as Howard pops up anywhere these days, we're all: "What did he say?
That'd be right. Who was he with? Bloody typical. What else did he say?
What was he wearing? How did he look? Tell me again." He's like an
ex-boyfriend we're over. We don't want him back, but we want to know he's
suffering.
Every day it's like Christmas. Rudd says sorry, Rudd fronts the Chinese
about human rights, Rudd's onto the republic, Rudd makes another
well-thought-out earnest decision with a minimum of fuss. I've got no
complaints and I'm spewing. Apart from the fact that he's boring. We'll
never love Rudd like we loved Bob, Paul or Gough, but we'll respect him.
The left does love and hate well. We'll have to learn to live with like. I
can't imagine Rudd: The Musical.
Man, we loved to hate Howard. Back in the good old days of 2007 it was
wall-to-wall leftie love-ins of hatred. The hate brought us closer
together.
Now, who've we got? We can't hate Brendan Nelson. That'd be like picking on
the retarded kid. Bring back Costello, I say. If the Liberals truly loved
the latte left they would present us with Alexander Downer esquire fully
stuffed complete with an apple in his mouth. Or Bulletproof Bronwyn
Bishop.
Please! We're begging. If we can't have something to rail against, at least
give us, the cartoonists and the comedians something to laugh at.
The Melbourne Comedy Festival had a significant drop in ticket sales this
year. There were plenty of theories about why this was: mortgage rates
were up, it started earlier in the year than usual, ticket prices too
high. My theory? Because Howard's gone. The past two years the Comedy
Festival had bumper ticket sales. I reckon this was because people felt
disillusioned and powerless with a government that ran on spin, dog
whistles, scare campaigns,
pork-barrelling and fear-mongering. We wanted to be in a room watching
someone prowl up and down the stage screaming that yes, it was wrong, and
no, we weren't alone. And when we all laughed as one we realised we
weren't.
When a comedian bagged WorkChoices, the treatment of asylum seekers,
Howard's refusal to say sorry, our involvement in Iraq or his pandering to
the aspirationals, we cheered. We left with fire in our belly and ticket
stub in hand feeling as if maybe we could help make a change. And we did.
This year I saw about 30 comedy festival shows. Lots of jokes about
Facebook and MySpace. Very little stuff on politics. And any stuff was wet
and half-hearted. We're over jokes about Bush. He's just not funny any
more.
There are still plenty of problems in our own backyard and even though most
of them are a long way from being fixed, it seems that they're all being
addressed. Issues are no longer falling on deaf ears. Indigenous problems?
We're onto it. Global warming? We know. Gay rights? Sure. Cyber stalking?
Yep, we're getting there. Universal maternity leave, family-friendly work
places and low-cost, high-quality child care? Tick. Abortion reform,
domestic violence support, youth homelessness initiatives and housing
affordability? You're on the list.
The 2020 yakfest at the weekend was further evidence of this. People are
being heard. Not being heard? Here's a microphone, what would you like to
say? Whether this translates into solutions is yet to be seen.
Stuff such as Burma, Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine and Darfur all fall into
the too hard basket. It's serious, but old news and sure, people are
frustrated and angry but we're beyond protests. If there was one, though,
we'd turn up. The feeling is that if we were able to fix it, we would have
fixed it by now. Those issues have been downgraded to bumper stickers,
T-shirts, benefits and online petitions.
There is Brumby, but it's just not the same. We're a bit "Sure He's Turning
Into I Can't Believe He's Not Kennett" but we just don't loathe him enough
yet. Maybe we should try harder.
This graffiti really sums it up: "Now Howard's gone I don't know what not
to believe in."
Lefties may not need to drink to have a good time, but we need to be
disillusioned. And a drink doesn't hurt either.
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(An Oldie - but it's always worth bolloking the AFL Supporters - Ed).
Footy story (don't blame me as I got it sent to me)
Two Footy fans were walking home from the AAMI Stadium when one noticed a
foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the
West Lakes.
They stopped and discovered a nude female unconscious and near death so the
Crows fan phoned the police and also requested an ambulance.
Out of respect and propriety, the Adelaide fan took off his cap and placed
it over the female's breasts.
Following the Adelaide fans lead, but with great reluctance, the Power fan
took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police arrived and an officer began to conduct his investigation.
First he lifted up the Crows cap, replaced it and made an entry in his
notebook.
Then the officer lifted the Power cap, replaced it, lifted it again,
replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time - shaking
his head in disbelief.
The Power fan was extremely annoyed and challenged the policeman,
'What are you, a pervert or something mate? Why do you keep lifting and
looking, lifting and looking?'
'Well,' said the officer, 'I'm a little surprised and confused.
'Normally, when you look under a Power cap ... You'll find an as*hole.'
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The Value of Alcohol
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams
If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.
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"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
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"When we drink, we get drunk When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
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"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
retard.
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"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.
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To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell ~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite s*x without spitting.
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And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to
his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the
slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural
selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain
cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always
feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.
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God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'
God explained it to him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a River?'
God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'
Adam said, 'What is a hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side
of the hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to
reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five Minutes, he was
back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'
And Adam said....
'What's a headache?'
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Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at
least 5 pounds".
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly
60lbs!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from the f**kin' skippin'".
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And now for the file stuff:-
Our worthy contributors this week are:-
Croydon Caz, Allnutts, Anatinus, Anonymous,
Elle, Moose,Muse, Nottingham Smithie, The Great Gussius,
Whizzbang & You know who you are.
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Morphing Women in Art - A bit of cultcher...
Click here
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Fantastic Trip
Click here
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ADS FROM THE 30'S and '40's
THESE ARE A RIOT. MAKE SURE YOU CHECK OUT LYSOL AD
AND THE DIETING REMEDY.
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here
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Who is she???
Click here
I'll give you a hint -
She's Russian !!!!
Give up?
Okay, take a look...
Click here
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Antarctica
Click here
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The Tolorant Cat.
Click here
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Yoga
There are two basic types of Yoga:
One requires much practice, patience, and discipline
Yoga from India
Click here
And then there's Irish Yoga
Click here
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WINS THE LOTTO!!!
Click here
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THE JOYS OF FLIGHT
Click here
Click here
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First aid for a fallen skater
Click here
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You just knew this was coming.....
Click here
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Real Handwork
Click here
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BEIJING AIRPORT
Click here
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We all like free food
First - take the tram up to the start of the trail.
Click here
Now follow the path.
Click here
Be sure to hold on to the 'railing'.
Click here
Keep an eye on the person in front of you.
Click here
Be very careful when passing someone going in the opposite direction.
Click here
Now just up a few steps. (they are on the left in the picture)
Click here
Gets a little steeper here - so put your toes in the holes.
Click here
A few more steps to go.
Click here
Finally in sight.
Click here
'THE RESTAURANT' !!!This restaurant is in China If you manage to reach the
restaurant the food is free Let me know how the food is.
I'm not going.
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Monkey with a deathwish
Click here
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With apologies to Abbott and Costello
Click here
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Australian Divorce - (finally its on film - Ed)
Click here
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Spectaculair (A few new Photos in this one - Ed).
Click here
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Heather Mills Pussy.................
Click here
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Gas $ Humor
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here
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A day without Jews
Click here
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Why you need property insurance...
Click here
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People like that never have fun... huh?
Click here
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What's wrong?
Click here
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anyone missing a tire?
Click here
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Zen With a Difference
Click here
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Unique Live Performance - Brilliant !
Check this out it is absolutely amazing.........and totally clean.
Click here
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OOPS
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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How smart are you?
Think about it, and work it out - even I was able to do it - so it can't be
that hard!
TRY AND SEE IF YOU CAN SOLVE THIS ONE!!!!
Problem:
There are 7 girls in a bus
Each girl has 7 backpacks
In each backpack, there are 7 big cats
For every big cat there are 7 little cats
Question: How many legs are there in the bus?
The number of legs is the password to unlock the Excel sheet. If you open
it, add your name and send it on to see who else can unlock it.
Send it back to let the person know you got it correct.
This is a real math's problem so don't say that a bus has no legs. And,
this is not a moving bus; there is no driver on the bus.
The password to the spreadsheet is the correct answer.
Put your name in the column with the names and forward it on, if you were
smart enough to get the right answer.
If you can open the spreadsheet, you'll see it's a very small list of
people who have gotten the correct number; but the list is getting longer.
Little advice, read the problem very carefully.
Click here
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And so dear reader we come to the end of another FH - Just for this week
though. So keep those contributions coming in.....
& remember:-
An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.
- Mohandas Gandhi
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[ End friday humour ]
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