Friday humour - April 25, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


*Thanks* to the many of you who sent encouraging messages to
management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au hoping that FH doesn't fold, and the few who
offered to have a go at being an occasional editor.

Long time contributor Caz just nearby Nestles' HQ in Croydon UK summed it
up nicely with the following ...

"Did I read that right?  Will there be no more FH?  After all those years
(how many?) through so much that was important in my life I will remember
it with such affection for being there.  In this world of high tech
websites and many that just produce tons of funny stuff, my favourite was
always FH.
No matter where my life was I always went back to it.  A bit like going
home to mum now and again....do you know what I mean?  Does that sound too
emotional?  It is a bit, but I like FH and it's intimate membership
and...and ...and.....

I do understand that all good things etc....and you would certainly have
your reasons...it's not easy to please us all along with all the other
things in your life and those who help.  If it is so, then so it must be
but it is an end of an era...but what a great one it was.  Well done and
Good
Luck to you in all you do.  Keep our email addresses somehwere, and let us
know what you do and how you are...I bet all of us would want you to. xxx

Love
Croydon Caz x"

Thanks a bunch Cazie!!

Editing is not that difficult.  But I guess like other labours of love it
can be time consuming, and (yes) boring at times.

Digi Steve has done a remarkable job in keeping FH alive following the
Great
Man's death.  He's provided the server and all the computing know-how
needed to keep this saucy little rag afloat.  All of this costing him
valuable time and money.  He's also automated things so much that only
yesterday I saw in the sale section at the front of Borders a new release
"Friday Humour
Editing For Dummies".   :)

Thanks also to Deano who's done a great job in sharing the load.  He does
have family commitments, and they should take priority.

Over the next few issues we should see several issues edited by some
enthusiastic guest editors.  Please give them your support!  Hey, but we
also like abuse ... and we're not copping too much of that lately.

If anyone else would like to have a go ... send a message to the above
address when you're ready.


Some may find this video (sent in by Allnutts) of Melbourne's newest about
to be opened freeway (that thankfully has since turned into a tollway like
those in the poorer western suburbs) of interest.  This motorway stretches
from the outer eastern suburbs to south east Frankston.  What initially
strikes me is how easy it would have been to contruct a light rail down
the middle of this thing.  In 15 years time you'd expect all that vacant
land below the Princes Highway will be residential ... and petrol is
likely to then cost $4 a Kilo ... if it's still available.
 Click here


The biggest laugh I had during the week was a short letter to The Age
responding to John Howard's first public Australian speech since losing
the election as well as his seat.

Little Honest Johnny said that he'd like to quietly do whatever he could to
help the Liberal Party of Australia.

The writer's response ...

Emigrate.


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First up this week is from Biggus (aka Fifi)

                                      Water v Alcohol

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials,
scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at
the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila,
rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as
a Public Service Announcement.


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These came from good old Whizzbang

                                    IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that
one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears
made at that time, a  horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you
need a  horsepower." I responded that  was larger than . He said, "NO,
it's not." Four is larger than two.." We haven't used Sears repair since.


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave
the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way
you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the
manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back
the quarter, and said "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of
thing."
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not
confuse the clerks at McD's in Petawawa, Ont


I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the
localtownship administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars
out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore." From Kingston, Ont.


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg lettuce. From the City of Pembroke


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He
smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." Happened at Uplands in
Ottawa


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blindpeople when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth
are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Gatineau,
QC


This happened at a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was
leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a lunch at Suncor, Fort McMurray, Alberta


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
forthe sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on. A clerk at the Campbell's Bay Court House, no less.


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I already got that side." This
was at the Ford dealership in Renfrew, Ont

STAY ALERT! They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and
they REPRODUCE !


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                           Investment tips for 2008 ...

Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but here goes:  For all of you
with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can
get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these
consolidations in 2008.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace
Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood..

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally !

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

OH, YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOING TO FORWARD THIS ONE....

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                              How to work the system

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a s*x therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have s*xual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly
couple is asking for s*xual advice that he agrees. When the couple
finishes,
the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have
intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he
charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the s*x therapist to watch
again.
The s*x therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks
in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems,
pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I
have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we
can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50,
and I get $43 back from Medicare."


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                                           Paddy

Paddy met Mick in the street and said,

"Paddy, will you draw your bedroom curtains in future before making love to
your wife?"

"Why?" Paddy asked.

"Because," said Mick, "all the street was laughing when they saw you making
love yesterday."

Mick said, "Silly buggers, the laugh's on them.

I wasn't home yesterday."


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                           The Man with the question!

A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to
the door and opens it to see a man standing there. He asks the lady 'Do
you have a vagina'.

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina'. She slams
the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened
for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned
voice 'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy
shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice 'Honey, I'm going to hide
behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer
yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it'. She
nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.
'Do you have vagina'.....-..

'Yes' she says......

The man replies.. 'Good! Would you mind telling your as*hole of a husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using yours ?'


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                      The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge headfirst into
everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a
damp environment. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. I
work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely, P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis: After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay
in your designated area and are often seen visiting others locations. You
do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order
to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you
are
65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your
designated work area before you have completed assigned task. And if that
were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the
workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, V. Gina


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Our Digi Steve sent this in

                                     A true Aussie joke

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in
Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few days after
moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome
the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the
drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing
about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides
to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on
the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man
urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another
"Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another
day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he
sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put
his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and
says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come
over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the
yard after hens. The next day you are p*ssing in a glass, and drinking it,
and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could
just about sh*t on you."

The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you no understand,
these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs."

"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."

"Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me" replied the Chinese man," He
say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink p*ss, and
listen to bull-sh*t"


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A duo from Moose

                          Proud to be a white Australian

Someone finally said it. But how many are actually paying attention to
this?

There are Aboriginals, Torres Strait Islanders, Kiwi Australians, Lebanese
Australians, Asian Australians, Arab Australians and boat people from all
over the place.

And then there are just Australians. White Australians, ordinary
Australians, who love their country. Australians who don't really care
about the skin colour of others - until they find themselves on the wrong
end of abuse because they happen to be white Australians.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me
'Australian
Dog', 'White boy', 'Cracker', 'Honky', 'Whitey', 'Caveman'. And that's OK.
But when I call you, Blackfella, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-Nigger, Sheep
Shagger, Camel Jockey, Gook or Chink, you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the
Aboriginal suburbs such as Redfern and Muslim and Asian suburbs such as
Lakemba, Bankstown and Cabramatta the most dangerous places to live?

You have Invasion Day. You Have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.

But if we had a 'White Pride' Day, you would call us racists.

You want us to study Aboriginal history and indoctrinate us to believe that
we are ruthless invaders. You want us to say sorry for something we did not
do. But, because we want to teach history as it happened, we are racists.

If we had an organisation for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives we'd be
racists.

If we had a university fund that only gave white students scholarships,
we'd be racists.

There are many indigenous organisations that are only open to Aboriginals.
Are there any organisations that are restricted to whites only? Of course
not, because if there were, we would be called racists.

Australia has a flag that represents everybody. Aboriginals have a flag
that represents only them, but they don't think that's racist. However if
white
Australians dared to have a flag that only represented white Australians
and white athletes who won an Olympic event ran around draped in such a
flag,
they would be condemned as racists.

If you are not white, you can march for your race and rights. If we marched
for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid
to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer
shoots a Muslim gang member or beats up a Lebanese drug dealer running
from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud. But you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be
racists?

Let's see which of you are proud enough to send this on ...


[ Well I published it, in the hope that some readers will analyse the
logic.
Re-read the flag bit.  Funny that the "yellows" in China are called racist
if they victimise the whites.  In reality racism has NOTHING to do with
colour!  - Ed ]


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                                  Birds training course

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back.
John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in
the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behaviour, the bird continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"


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This week's not asccii stuff was sent in by Whizzbang, Croydon Caz, The
Duke of B, Mitta, Nottingham Smithie, Muse, Burnout, Diks, Terrible Tez,
Moose,
Zalaga, Allnutts and KRP from Coffs.


Pictures You've Gotta See!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

My new car
 Click here

Every woman needs 4 Animals
 Click here

Bud - The Wave
 Click here

Golf
 Click here

Pants for you
 Click here

Golf "T"
 Click here

If you think you have a bad day ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

What is in the Barn?   You will NOT believe this!  And it is true.
 Click here

Skating on thin ice
 Click here

Cat!
 Click here

Smart Bart!!
 Click here

Fly in the Toilet
When I went to the men's room in the Schiphol Airport when we got to
Amsterdam , I saw the fly and didn't think much about it.?
Now I know why it was there!
Who says you can't potty train a man?
 Click here

Who are these people? lol...
 Click here

Farmer's Daughter
 Click here

Those ole' smokin' days - remember this Carson show?
 Click here

Wanna live like Warren Buffet??
 Click here

DRIVER TESTING for seniors...
 Click here

Iraqi Strip Club
 Click here

This should bring back memories!
 Click here

Do you suffer ...?
 Click here

Clever
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Having a Bad day?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Migrating Hummingbirds
This is something I have never seen before, or ever even heard of. This
lady lives in a Hummingbird fly zone. As they migrated, about 20 of them
were in her yard. She took the little red dish, filled it with sugar water
and this is the result. The Woman is Abagail Alfano of Pine, Louisiana -
she has been studying them daily and one morning put the cup from the
feeder, with water in it, in her hand; as they had gotten used to her
standing by the feeder they came over to her hand. She says in touching
they are as light as a feather. Abagail also said, 'if she had known her
husband was taking pictures she would have put on makeup.'
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

[WARNING - This is NOT funny but some may wish to take a look  - Ed ]
Hi ,I'm a recipient (but not a contributor) of Frid Humour, Have been for
some time now and always look forward to seeing what will be included in
it and am never disappointed and always amused and entertained. I had the
attached sent to me by the person who first introduced me to frid humour
and
I'm hoping that you may be able to distribute it to all those who receive
your newsletter, the attached is not pretty and everyone who loves animals
should take an interest in this matter.
Hope you are able to help.
Thanking you, T
Dog vs. art-animal lovers, please speak out! and lend a hand here...
In 2007, the 'artist' Guillermo Vargas Habacuc, took a dog from the street,
he tied him to a rope in an art gallery, starving him to death. For several
days, the 'artist' and the visitors of the exhibition have watched
emotionless the shameful 'masterpiece' based on the dog's agony, until
eventually he died.
Does it look like art to you?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

[It's good to laugh often, it's also good to cry sometimes!!! ...   - Ed ]

Correct PPE on a minesite
 Click here Click here Click here

Don't forget to duck...
 Click here

Office on a good day
 Click here Click here Click here

Jogler in BBQ!!!
 Click here

HOW TO SPOT A GAY TERRORIST
 Click here

Thirsty monkey
 Click here

Fishing Buddy
 Click here

Man Cave
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Fresh Salad
 Click here

Fifi's Funny Pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Big Ship
Country  of origin - Denmark
Length  - 1,302 ft
Width  - 207 ft
Net  cargo - 123,200 tons
Engine  - 14 in-line cylinders diesel engine (110,000 BHP)
Cruise Speed -  31 knots,
Cargo capacity - 15,000 TEU (1 TEU = 20 ft3  container)
Crew  - 13 people  First Trip - Sept. 08, 2006
Construction cost - US  $145,000,000+
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

A New Election Song
 Click here

The hardest part - Coldplay
OMG... you are just not going to believe the dancers in the Coldplay
show...
 Click here

Traffic camera in India;

 Click here
tch?v=T8Doy_7sOoM&feature=related

Whizzbang's Thought For The Day ...
 Click here
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or root it ...
Piss on it and walk away.


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A couple from Alnnutts

                                Things Got Ya Down?

Well then, consider these. . .


In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed,
on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical
condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with
the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths
occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was
assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am, all of the doctors
and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what
the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses,
prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Willie Johnson, the part-time Sunday
sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he
could use the vacuum cleaner.


Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill
in Alaskawas $80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid
cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically,
almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly
current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in
two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


Are Ya OK Now? - No?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to
a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke
loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.


What?!? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.
It came back with 'Return to Sender' stamped on it.

Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. God is
Good!


There now, feeling better?


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                                   Seamus and Bessie

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
asked the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just Answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the
police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident,
he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to
simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said
to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite
cow,
Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down
the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit
my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was
thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman
on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he
went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took
out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the f*ck would you say?'


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A quickie and a longie from Burnout

                                     The High Life

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out
to some place expensive ...

So I took her to a petrol station.


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                          TIPS ON FILLING YOUR CAR(S)

I don't know what you guys are paying for petrol ... but here in Durban we
are also paying higher, up to RM7.35 per liter. But my line of work is in
petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of
your money worth for every liter. Here at the Marian Hill Pipeline where I
work in Durban, we deliver about 4 million liters in a 24-hour period
through the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and
petrol, LRP and Unleaded. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total
capacity of 16,800,000 liters.

Only buy or fill up your car or bikes in the early morning when the ground
temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations have their
storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground the more dense
the fuel, when it gets warmer petrol expands, so buying in the afternoon
or in the evening ... Your liter is not exactly a liter. In the petroleum
business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol, diesel
and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important
role. A
1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the
service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast
mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low,
middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping on low speed, thereby
minimizing the vapors that are created while you are pumping. All hoses at
the pump have a vapor return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of
the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapor. Those vapors are being
sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting
less worth for your money.

One of the most important tips is to fill up when your tank is HALF FULL.
The reason for this is, the more fuel you have in your tank the less air
occupying its empty space. Petrol evaporates faster than you can imagine.
Petroleum storage tanks have an internal floating roof. This roof serves as
zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the
evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that
we load is temperature compensated so that every liter is actually the
exact amount.

Another reminder, if there is a fuel truck pumping into the storage tanks
when you stop to buy, DO NOT fill up -- most likely the petrol/diesel is
being stirred up as the fuel is being delivered, and you might pick up
some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom. Hope this will help
you get the most value for your money.

DO SHARE THESE TIPS WITH OTHERS


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Here's one from KRP in beautiful downtown Coffs Harbour

                                         The Sign

Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and
Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the
road.
They had just pounded a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The end is near! Turn yourself around now! Before it's too late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window giving the finger
and yelling, "Get lost you religious fruit cakes!"

From the curve ahead there then followed the horrendous screeching of tires
and the sickening thud of a vehicle landing in an abyss.

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should
just say 'Bridge Out'?"


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Here's a couple from Diks

                                   The Lie Dectector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day, John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was just about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you
been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?', they asked. 'Several
of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project' said Tommy.

The Robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.

'Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after
school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.'

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off
his chair.

With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We
really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I'm ashamed of you Son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a roundhouse right that
nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. 'Boy, did you ever ask
for that one!  And you can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, He is your
son!'

The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and slapped her.....


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                                        Bad Breath

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone,
not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for
advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage."

His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"

"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and
I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as
possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a
workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with
her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is
truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my
fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head
for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to
the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until
you've brushed your teeth."

"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.

"Not a word," her mother affirmed.

"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had
received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence,
they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find
that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he
frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without
thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, my god," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"


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Finally from Zalaga of Nottingham

                                          Holiday

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded;
" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply! "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're
overpriced.
What are you doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one
of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us
up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome
28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was
great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the
finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized
and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Where did you get that sh*tty hairdo?"


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Quote of the Week:


"Kindness and compassion towards all living beings is a mark of a 
civilized society. Racism, economic deprival, dog fighting and c*ck 
fighting, bullfighting and rodeos are all cut from the same defective 
fabric: violence.  Only when we have become nonviolent towards  all life
will we have learned to live well ourselves."

                                                      - Cesar Chavez
  
                          LEST WE FORGET

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 Friday Humour is not prudish but we reserve the right to modify w*rds
which could draw the attention of over-zealous email spam filters and
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