Friday humour - April 18, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Hello there all you faithful FH readers.

Sadly, Deano decided last week that he could no longer be an editor for
Friday Humour. Although it is unfortunate to see him go, I would like to
publicly thank him greatly for the sterling effort he has put in over the
last couple of years keeping Friday Humour viable.

Appeals for new editors over the past six months have not resulted in an
overwhelming response, so now it is left to Davo and I.

Because I am unlikely to be able to commit the time to keep the FH systems
running properly AND edit every two weeks, this may well be my last effort
at editing a Friday Humour.

I feel confident that Davo will not want to edit every week, so his edition
next week may be the last one.

Such is life. It has now been running for 22 months since Tony's passing,
so perhaps it is time to say goodbye.

Anyway, enough of the depressing stuff. Let's on with the mirth.

My favourite for this week - mainly because it is incomprehensible how any
group of grown men could be so stupid ...
 Click here

This week's collection is from Allnutts, Croydon Caz, Davo, Digi Maria,
Digi Steve, Elle, KRP from Coffs Harbour, Moose, Muse,
Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, Zalaga and the ever present anonymi.

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Two sides ...

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father
answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race
evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible
that you told me the human race was created by God, and
Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told you about his.'


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Up the French Para's!!

Up the French Para's!!!! Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS
for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. 'Ah, Pierre,' asks one, ' 'ow
'av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre. 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex
zismorning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of
bedand on to ze parade ground.'

'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly
leetleplatform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'.

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a Frenchparatrooper. I do not jurmp five
feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off zeground,
and 'e said 'Jurmp!'.'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. It isbeneass my
dignity to jurmp ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate. 'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety
platform a 'undred feet above ze paradeground 'E undid 'is trousers, took
out zis enormous willy, and 'e said:'If you do not jurmp, I am going to
stick zis right urp your burm.'.'

'Ooooh!' says his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'

'A leetle, at ze beginning.'

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Why I love Mum ...

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mom said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting
late. I think I'll go to bed'

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.

Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the
following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar
container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot
for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the
washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button

She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the
charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry.

She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the
desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field
trip, and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope
and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her purse.

Mom then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night solution &
age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her
nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.'

'I'm on my way,' she said.

She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made
sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and
TV's, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the hamper, and had a
brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day,
straightened up the shoe rack. She added three things to her 6 most
important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the
accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in
particular. 'I'm going to bed.'

And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here? Wonder why women live longer...?

CAUSE WOMEN ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL..... (and we can't die sooner, we
still have things to do!)

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Invention

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's
breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the
fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took
the scientist outside and kicked the sh*t out of him.

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German Sex.

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy s*x viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I'll charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large
bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had
said, to her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

'You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the s*x is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the
energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is
several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
'That was totally amazing, what do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German, 'zat is ze four-sprung Duck technique

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Viagra Biscuit

Viagra' is now available in powder form for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your s*xual performance but it does stop your biscuit
going soft.

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Education in 1895.

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895 ...

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had
an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed
the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA . It
was taken from the original doc*ment on file at the
Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina , and reprinted by
the Salina Journal.


8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS - 1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie,"
"play," and "run."
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you
understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time,1 hour 15 minutes)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. Deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. Wide. How many
bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel,
deducting 1,050 lbs. For tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to
carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for
incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. Coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. Long at $20 per
metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which
is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas .
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn,
and Howe?
8. Name event s connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849,
1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography,
etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals,
diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.'
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions
under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi,
dis-mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the
sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir,
odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain,
feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by
use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba,
Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and
Orinoco .
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the
sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.

Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning,
doesn't it?!

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This is a good illusion. See if you can work out how it is done.
 Click here

This will drive you crazy; you will become addicted -
 Click here

This is remarkable (for the engineers amongst you) ...
 Click here

So you think you can fly a helicopter ...
 Click here

No baby shall go hungry ...
 Click here

Study each picture and try to determine what it represents, before looking
at the answers below the pictures.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here
 Dandy Lions, Assaulted Peanut, Eggplant, Doctor Pepper, Pool Table, Tap
Dancers, Card Shark, The King of Pop, I Pod, Gator-Aide,
Knight Mare, 'Hole Milk, Light Beer.

Enjoy this one...!!! Excellent animation
 Click here

Dogs - sound makes it better.
 Click here

CPR Class
 Click here

Are people really this dumb?
 Click here

PSA
 Click here

Chinese English
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

How cool are these?!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Motorcycle idiot
 Click here Click here Click here

This adds a whole dimension to "The fuking engine won't start" ...
 Click here Click here

Not everyone ...
 Click here

Interesting sights in China
 Click here

Grandad's New Phone
 Click here

Cultural exchange
 Click here

Ain't that the truth...
 Click here

Don't forget that woman...
 Click here

Speed bump
 Click here

Here's your 'Awwwww' for the day!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

So you think you're an operator?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Ooops !!
 Click here

The new and improved Payslip
 Click here

Cute...
 Click here

Why Women Live Longer Than Men
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Completely religiously politically incorrect - but funny
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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