Friday humour - April 04, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Well, no matter how bad and desperate and arrogant we though politics had
got here in Oz, it was nothing compared to Zimbabwe. How to turn a viable
and prosperous country into a complete basket case in 26 years. And I bet
Mugabe gets off scot-free.

I have two favourites this week. I settled on the first one when I first
saw it, and then the second one came along and could not be left out
either. They are both greats within the same genre, and the second one
takes Mondegreens to a whole new level.

If you love Credence Clearwater Revival you may never forgive me for this
one ...
 Click here

and then, there is Miss Super Blind Confidence, with apologies to Mr. Lee
...
 Click here

So there!

Our collection this week comes courtesy of Arfermo, Allnutts, Burnout,
Cartographer Chris, Digi Maria, Digi Steve, Diks, Geoff,
Mitta, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier, Swinburne Sue,
Whizzbang, Zalaga and the ever present anonymi.

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A little Biblical Humour

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda,
because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived
in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . "He-brews"

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The REAL meaning of the motor vehicle repair manual instructions

Repair manual: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with multi-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer
anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Repair manual: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Repair manual: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Repair manual: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner
then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Repair manual: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Repair manual: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Repair manual: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Repair manual: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Repair manual: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Repair manual: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to
dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Repair manual: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now
cannot be considered "lightly".

Repair manual: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Repair manual: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Repair manual: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it
up?

Repair manual: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny number ... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of
the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Repair manual: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Repair manual: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!

Repair manual: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't
mention it to your insurance company.

Repair manual: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Repair manual: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the
garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Repair manual: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife
"Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Repair manual: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Repair manual: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Repair manual: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Repair manual: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Repair manual: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Repair manual: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Repair manual: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have RACV membership & mobile phone

Repair manual: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone
use a hacksaw.

Repair manual: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with
adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Repair manual: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to
do!

Repair manual: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or
length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with
a hammer.

Repair manual: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of super glue around here somewhere...

Repair manual: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing
upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid
from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture
and will probably get you to Repco to buy some Castrol grease.

Repair manual: See illustration for details.
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured
exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or
variant model.

.....................

Taken from a Jaguar E-Type repair manual - gearbox section ...

"... lifting the rear of the cluster, you can remove the entire gear
cluster from the gear case ..."

Which I did - thus dropping an abundance of tiny needle rollers into the
gearbox.

Then I turned to the next page ... to find more instructions ...

"But first, install a hose clamp snugly against the final gear in order to
avoid disturbing the needle rollers ..."

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Go to Hell ...

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a
sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the
holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit
the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomised."

"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that."

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Asparagus ....

Through the eyes of a child. Children's Bible in a Nutshell.

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,
darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy
God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said,
'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't
embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve
disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden
of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have
cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for
Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of
his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and
some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said
they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his
brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some
pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports
coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.
Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh
after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included
frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every
day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These
include don't lie, cheat, smoke,
dance, or covet your neighbour's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one
more: Humour thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use
spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the
town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a
slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500
porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise
to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was
Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed upon the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to
worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the
New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish
I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me,
'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a
matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees
and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was
Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable
after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some
Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on
trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just
washed his hands instead.

Any way's, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went
up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminium.
His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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Montana Golfing Alert!

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to
take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on
Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forests Golf Courses. They
advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on
their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with
a bear. It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT Golfers should be able to recognize the
difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf
course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly
squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells,
golf-gloves, and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.

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An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra "Can I have 6 tablets,
cut in quarters?"

"I can cut them for you " said the chemist "But a quarter tablet will not
give you a full erection."

"I am 96 " said the old man . "I don't want an erection. I just want it
sticking out far enough so I don't p*ss on my slippers. "

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Possibly the best come-back ever!

A divorced man meets his ex-wife's new husband at a party.

Later, after knocking back a few drinks, he goes over to the new guy and
asks him:
'So ... how do you like using second hand stuff?'

The new husband replies: 'It isn't that bad. Past the first 3 inches it's
all brand new.'

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The Afghan

Mohammad the Afghan came to Sydney from the Middle East, and he was only
here a few months when he became very ill.

He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.

Finally, he went to an Afghan doctor who said,
"Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, sh*t in de bocket, p*ss on de
sh*t, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes
for ten minutes."

Mohammad took the bucket, went into the other room, sh*t in the bucket,
p*ssed on the sh*t, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was
wrong with me?"

The doctor said, "You were homesick ."

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Anger Management

Husband: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet bowl.

Husband: How does that help?

Wife: I use your toothbrush

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A few children's books that didn't make the cut:


1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

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Green Side Up

A painting contractor was speaking to a woman about a job. She said she
wanted the first room a pale blue. He wrote it down, went to the window
opened it and yelled

"GREEN SIDE UP."

They Walked into the second room and she said she wanted it a soft yellow
color. He wrote that down, went to the window opened it and yelled,

"GREEN SIDE UP."

The woman was curious but didn't say anything. They walked into the third
room and she said she wanted a warm rose color. The painter wrote that
down and went to the window and opened it, he yelled

"GREEN SIDE UP."

Finally the woman asked, "why do you keep yelling that out the window?"

"I'm sorry," he replied, "but I have a crew of blondes Laying turf across
the street.

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The Seniors Breakfast Special

Send this to the Seniors in your life. I am sure they'll appreciate it!!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it! It pays to think outside the box!
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two
eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously.
"YES!!" stated the waitress.
"I'll take the special then." my wife said.
"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once.

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Jogging problem

A black man goes to the doctors with a problem - he can't stop jogging.

To cure the man, the doctor puts two lines of white powder on his desk and
tells him to snort them.

The black man does what the doctor says and immediately after, he stops
dead still.

'F..k me. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.

'No' The doctor replies. 'It's Omo - guaranteed to stop colours from
running.

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Country music at its finest
 Click here

This will do your math calculations and perhaps give you a mood adjustment
while doing it.
 Click here

Trunk Monkey Compilation
 Click here

This dog, called Jerry, needs no help playing with his ball
 Click here

Chemist
 Click here

The Future Computer
 Click here

You'll watch this more than once!! (more than twice actually)
 Click here

Sick Manager Video
 Click here

Swimming (cute)
 Click here

This is very politically incorrect and religiously offensive - but FUNNY.
 Click here

Marriage
 Click here

The New Pirelli Calendar For 2008 (Xish - naked women and men)
 Click here

Ever been overtaken at 290 km per hour?
 Click here

Comics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Anyone for a doggy bag?
 Click here

AGCO Office in Duluth
 Click here

Gordon Ramsay's Omelette Recipe
 Click here

Surprise! (XXX)
 Click here

Bud commercial not yet released
 Click here

Australian Plimsoll line
 Click here

Call in sick!
 Click here

Anyone for a swim!
In Zimbabwe, Africa, you will find the magnificent Victoria Falls, at a
height of 128m.
The location is known as the "Devil's Swimming Pool". During the months of
September and December, people can swim as close as possible to the edge
of the falls without falling over.
These falls are becoming well known amongst the "radical tourist" industry,
when more and more people search for the ultimate experience.
Would you dare?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Footy Fan (Xish)
 Click here

Some flashlight
 Click here

Bra Size 120 ZZZ - oh my God!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Form of apology
 Click here

The FLASH!
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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