Friday humour - March 28, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Here we are five years after the Iraq invasion and still Bush and Howard
try and present it as a success.

They told us that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction - it didn't.  (The
US has more WMD than all other countries put together).  Also that their
war would be short and snappy - it wasn't ... shock and awe ... mission
accomplished ... torture at Abu Ghraib ... Guantanamo Bay ... rendition
etc.
etc.

Is the world any safer?  Not on your Nellie.  It's men like these, who send
other people's kids to war to prop up their own wonky positions in the
opinion polls, that should never be allowed to get away with pre-eminent
war again.  War should always be the last resort!

Remember Vietnam?  These lying rodents learnt nothing from it.


And a missive from Sloth ...


"G'day folks

Very interesting about how early Easter is this year. Has your mate Deano
worked out the latest it can be? The equinox is on March 20, and a full
moon happens every 29.5 days, so by my reckoning the latest date for the
first full moon after the  equinox would be about April 18, and if that
was a
Sunday, the next Sunday after the first full moon after the equinox would
be Anzac Day. What's the chance of that, and how many
years/decades/centuries before it happens? Will people still celebrate
Anzac Day when it happens (hope so!)
By the way, tell Deano it's the autumn equinox not the spring equinox. The
spring equinox is in September...................

Cheers
Sloth from Perth"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up some stuff that's come in anon

This is too cool!


       HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November
4,
       1926, in Amsterdam. Now there are 150 stores all over the
Netherlands .
       HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany . In June of
       this year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.


       Take a look at   target=_blank>Click here HEMA's product page. You

       can't order anything, and it's in Dutch, but just wait a couple of
seconds
       and watch what happens.

       This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These are from Diks

                                 What's For Dinner???

Three women are chatting about their relationships. One is engaged, one
married, and one a mistress. They decide to amaze their men.... that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over
their eyes .

After a few days the three met again.

The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home,
he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask. He saw me
and said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'... then we made love
all night long.

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and
I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything..... but
we had wild s*x all night.

The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for
the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask
over my eyes.... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says:
"Hi
Batman, what's for dinner?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                              The Mouse That Roared

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his
telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at
the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we
are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me
Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from
the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army
waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still
on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the c*ckpit, and four
boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "We had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and
decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    Wisdom of Age

A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish and play golf. He was sitting in
his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when
he heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and
there,
floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll
turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that
all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I
said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd
rather have a talking frog.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These are from Muse in Canada

                       Ammunition Substantiation Monday
                                    24 March 2008

An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to
counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an
infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of
live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been
bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the
post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake
present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was
justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box
on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live,
rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short
note.

The note said, "I missed!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                       Redneck Special Forces Friday
                                  14 March 2008

To All Former Civil Service And Military Personnel:

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting
unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces. These Alabama,
Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and
Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the
following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
6. Their favorite movie is "BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN."

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      Does He Bite?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was
sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked.

The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and
growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him
away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought
you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man replied, "Ain't my dog."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This stuff is from Nottingham Smithie


Very good ...

                Speakers on.
                Photos by NASA.
                Music by Eric Idle.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Body Found

Today the police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby.

They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Arse and a
Small Dick.

Since it wasn't me, I'm just checking to make sure that YOU were OK!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Zalaga, also of Nottingham

                                          Satan

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front
of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, " Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      Up or Down?

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the
next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the
river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished,
the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just
experienced the best s*x that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they
came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, 'Up or down
?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate
love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding
in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly
gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.' A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river
and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal?
Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made made
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were f*ck or drown.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Slatts

                              McCartney V McCartney

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir paul McCartney and his wife are
going through divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes
about her false leg ...  Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife
Heather Mills-McCartney.  Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over
the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!" she said in an earlier
briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped."

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will
need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a
relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider
going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called
her
Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the
marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an
agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand
on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have
been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her
leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at
night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that
Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for
Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm
f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul
McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:
I lay upon a grassy bank
My hands were all a quiver
I slowly removed her suspender belt
And her leg fell in the river


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from our Deano

                             Drivers Licence database

Want to see if your licence is on this data base. It shows your picture as
well! Can enter anyones name and it will show full details IF your on the
data base. Its a US Site but works for Australasia as well, just dont
enter your state.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


More A/V stuff now from Burnout, Croydon Caz, Allnutts, Moose, Digi Maria,
the Duke of Barsinov, Digi Steve, Muse, Stonefish, and Whizzbang.


Spoken to your Teenage Son lately.....
 Click here

Mardi Gras fashions for 2008 !!!
Mardi Gras Fashions ! for this Year (most of these are truly imaginative.
You won't believe the quality of the art in the last one).
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cars
 Click here

Return of the trunk monkey
 Click here


Resembling a strange creature from the deep, this rare marbled iceberg was
spotted in the waters of the Antarctic by a  Norwegian sailor. Oyvind
Tangen, 62, was on board the research ship G O Sars when he photographed
the unusual ice formation,  floating a few miles off the coast of the
frozen continent. While most icebergs are white due to tiny bubbles
trapped inside,
which scatter the light in every direction, some pick up a multitude of
colours due to various natural phenomena. Green  stripes are the result of
algae growing in the ice, while brown, black and yellow lines form as the
ice sheets from which  bergs are formed pick up layers of sediment. Deep
blue lines can also appear when the air bubbles are squeezed out due to
rapid melting and re-freezing of the ice.
 Click here


Why Old People Rock
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Background People
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Woolworths Cat
A blonde was whipper-snippering her yard and accidentally cut off the tail
of her cat, which was hiding in the grass. She rushed her cat, along with
the tail over to Woolworths!
Why Woolworths?
HELLOOOOOOOOO!
Woolworths is the largest retailer in Australia.!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Hands Down Best Motivational Poster Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 Click here

Car Wash
 Click here

World Clock
 Click here

Silk  (SVILA  NIJE ZA  POSTELJINU
 Click here

Carnaval de Rio...
A lot to see - a long presentation - click on each pic to to get through
quick
 Click here

What you don't know etc. etc...........
 Click here

Not a rumour... there is a parking bitch...
 Click here

Romantic ballad... huh?
 Click here

Did you get yours yet?
New 2008 Revenue Canada pencil sharpener
 Click here

Space
 Click here

Look ma... I'm hot...
 Click here

The perfect gift for the blonde in your life...
 Click here

Democratic Convention
 Click here

Building a better world?... huh?
 Click here

Montreal Gardens
 Click here

PUNK'D - EUROPEAN STYLE!!
 Click here

0ne for the gals...
For the first time in history they were able to make a scan of the male
brain
 Click here

Your First Easter Card
 Click here

CV Of The Year
 Click here

Speed isn't everything!!
 Click here

I Just Knew It
 Click here

10 most modified people in the world?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Who's A Lucky Cameraman...
 Click here

[AO] The Zoo
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

THIS IS A HOUSE NOT A HOTEL
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Bollard test
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Bonnie Chris (SOB)

From The Times March 19, 2008
         Pickpocket Kenneth Cooper had a bad day at the office

As he begins a 16-week sentence at Belmarsh prison this week, Kenneth
Cooper may count himself among the most unfortunate of petty criminals.

The small, middle-aged woman must have looked a promising target with her
bag wide open; the crush of a bus queue would have seemed the perfect
place.

But if his crime was opportunist, this was not the opportunity Cooper may
have hoped it would be. His victim was Bridget Prentice, the Justice
Minister; an off-duty detective was standing right behind her and, as he
fled, Cooper ran headlong into a busload of police officers who just
happened to be on a "safer neighbourhood" crime prevention exercise.

With hindsight his modest scheme would rank as one of the most ambitious
and foolhardy ploys in the recent annals of petty crime.

Ms Prentice, 55, who is the MP for Lewisham East and a junior minister in
the Justice Ministry, had been on her way to attend a citizenship
ceremony.

As she boarded a bus in Lewisham town centre she felt a man pushing up
against her. "I was just turning round to ask him to stand back when he
got off the bus," she said. "I knew straightaway that something was wrong
and looked into my bag to discover my purse had gone."

"I shouted, 'He's nicked my purse,' and a man farther back in the queue
immediately gave chase." This man, whom Ms Prentice would describe as her
"knight in shining armour", turned out to be a off-duty detective sergeant.

With the young officer hot on his heels, Cooper, 46, ran across the road
and on to a pavement - where a team of police officers had just arrived to
offer crime prevention advice to the shoppers.

They immediately joined the chase. Cooper ran into a shopping arcade, but
the pursuing police alerted security guards and soon Cooper - who may have
been envisaging easier targets at the start of the day - found himself up
against the combined forces of Lewisham's finest crime prevention officers
and the guardians of the Riverdale shopping centre.

It was an uneven contest. A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said:
"The man was detained and the purse recovered.

"It was fortunate that the thief ran past a busload of police and he was
caught so quickly."

Cooper, from Kennington, South London, came before District Judge Michael
Kelly at Greenwich Magistrates' Court where - wisely, perhaps - he had
decided to plead guilty to the theft.

Ms Prentice said that she had been left shaken by this first-hand contact
with crime in her constituency. She said: "I am still confident that
Lewisham town centre is a safe place. A lot of it was down to me having
left my bag wide open."

Colin Finch, Lewisham Victim Support manager, said that petty crime was
common on buses and that the victims were usually elderly women. "The way
this incident happened is pretty typical and Bridget, like other victims
of crime, shouldn't blame herself."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's something soppy from Allnutts

                  WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even
in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in
front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when
he approached her. Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No
one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her?
He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He
knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where
it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad
enough.
Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning
his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he
had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began
to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just
passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed
him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined
all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan
never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was
helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given
him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never
occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she
saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance
they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.'

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and
depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into
the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a
bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her
trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas
pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and
brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one
that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady
noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let
the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how
someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she
remembered Bryan.

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The
waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the
old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the
waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then
she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't
owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the
way
I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do
not let this chain of love end with you.'

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve,
but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home
from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the money and what
the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her
husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard
...

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her,
she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything' s going
to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying 'What goes around comes around.' Today I sent you
this story, and I'm asking you to pass it on. Let this light shine.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Elle

                       Computer gender... male or female???

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.'House' for
instance, is feminine: 'la casa.''Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el
lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving
the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a
masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons
for its recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's an oldie from Mad Mick of Marwick

                                        STORYTIME

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed.
Little Bo Peep was giving him head.
As soon as he came, she started to weep,
She knew by the taste he'd been f*cking her sheep.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's a flashback from Kaz (aka Ian) of Bonnie Scotland who we haven't
heard from for some time

                                     THE OLD BOY

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner,
Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the centre to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat,
and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I
miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?" and he replies "SEX!!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun
to your head".

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it
for a while"

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his
manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they
would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was OK.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by
the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's
manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I
don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally some stuff from Geoff

                         THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my
husband that my breasts are too small.

Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he
uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts
to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a
few seconds every day"

Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front
of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I
asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he said "Worked for your bum, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again
although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


          I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at
him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he
knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


     "I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."


                                                             Groucho Marx


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (March 21, 2008)  Index Next (April 04, 2008)