Friday humour - March 21, 2008

Gidday from Deano,

It is Good Friday around a lot of the world today and with it being Easter
in March an interesting fact that was sent in by Allnutts:
ďDo you realize how early Easter is this year? As you may know, Easter is
always the 1st Sunday after the 1st full moon after the Spring Equinox
(which is March 20). This dating of Easter is based on the lunar calendar
that Hebrew people used to identify Passover, which is why it moves around
on our Roman calendar.
Found out a couple of things you might be interested in! Based on the
above, Easter can actually be one day earlier (March 22) but that is
pretty rare.
Here 's the interesting info. This year is the earliest Easter any of us
will ever see the rest of our lives! And only the most elderly of our
population have ever seen it this early (95 years old or above!). And none
of us have ever, or will ever, see it a day earlier! Here's the facts:
1) The next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228
(220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913 (so if
you're 95 or older, you are the only ones that were around for that!).
2) The next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year
2285 (277 years from now). The last time it was on March 22 was 1818. So,
no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year!
Interesting!
Happy EasterĒ

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And now to the humour with stuff sent in by Anonymous, Diks, Burnout,
Stonefish, Allnutts, Old Dave, Zalaga, Geoff, Muse, Whizzbang, Seasoldier,
Nottingham Smithie, and Mitta.


Engineers and Managers...
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above
this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am. How did you know?"
"Everything you told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to
anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am. But how did you know?"
"You don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to
be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but
now it's my fault."


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A womans wisdom
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day
and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to
sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 home, a
$45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a
65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of
things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and get a hot
25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and
watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life
crisis.


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The Funeral Stone
Sam died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests departed the affair, his wife, Sarah turned to her oldest and
dearest friend. 'Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased,' she said.
'I'm sure you're right,' replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in
close. 'How much did this really cost?'
'All of it,' said Sarah. 'Thirty thousand.'
'No!' Jody exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?'
Sarah answered, 'The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the synagogue.
The whisky, wine and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the
Memorial Stone.'
Jody computed quickly. '$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is
it?'
'Two and a half carats.'


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To anyone with kids - enjoy!

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness...just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed! Oh, they'll be so excited!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And I'll bounce on the furniture...wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach.
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat,
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry...I'll run...if I'm able!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!
(When I'm an old lady and live with my kids)

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, 'She's so sweet when she's sleeping

God Bless All Moms and Grandmas everywhere! ?  ?


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Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck. The
truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the
car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to
stand in the middle and not leave the circle. Furious, he went over to her
car and slashed the tires. The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield. This time the
blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car. The blonde is now
laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of
the circle three times!"


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The Differences...............
John McCain and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came
to a homeless person.
TheRepublican, John McCain, gave the homeless person his business card and
told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his
pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person,
she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him
directions to the welfare office. She then reached into McCain's pocket
and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the
homeless person $5.
Now, do you understand the difference?


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Golf Story
A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second
golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first golfer said
that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
After two holes they were even. The second guy said, "We're about evenly
matched. How about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the
terms. The second guy then won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen and while counting his $80, the
second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked
to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest. The golf pro got
all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "No, you won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with
you.  Keep your winnings."
The pro said,  "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest answered, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a
donation.   And if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll
marry them."


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A dog is truly a man's best friend.
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you ?


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Monica's Epiphany
After her bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in the mirror, nude.
 Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her. 
Desperate, she decided to call on God for help.  "God, if you take away my
love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed. And, just like that,
her ears fell off.

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WHERE DO RED HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a
little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said.
"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors
may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

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Errors I can understand
 Click here Click here Click here
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Harold the computer guy,
to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He
gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called
after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T
error? What's that... in case I need to fix it again?'
Harold grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of ID ten T errors before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down. ID10T.I used to like Harold.

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EFFECTIVE MARCH 15, 2008  NEW OFFICE POLICY :

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will
assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so
that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you
are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Sat*rdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead
friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases
where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch
hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict
three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an
alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will
open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the
company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that
they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to
maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed
to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and
input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management


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Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like
you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing
comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't
even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all
day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year- old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a
flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so
tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."


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Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his pants pockets full of golf balls and
sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally,
after many such glances from her, he said, "its golf balls". The blonde
continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what
he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,
she asked; "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"


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A few more Limericks

Then up spoke the lady from Crewe
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew
"the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And longer and stronger than you"

There once was a student of Trinity
Who ruined his sister's virginity
He buggered his brother
Had twins by his mother
An then took a degree in Divinity

There was a young Rector of Kings
Whose mind was on heavenly things
But his heart was on fire
For a boy in the choir
Whose butt was like jelly on springs.


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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament
House."
"Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of
them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an ar*ehole and a briefcase."


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Naughty by nature
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub She gestured alluringly to
the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled
that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently
caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can
do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly  popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to  suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room."


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Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite
being 72 years of age,  he could still have s*x 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla
says, 'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave s*x with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad
passionate s*x together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good, let me shleep for half
an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my
balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better s*x than
before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an
hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......'
'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.  No problem
hun'. Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla
asks 'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin  yer balls in one hand and yer willie in
de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'
Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !'


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Buying A Used Car
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he
was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in
a used  car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the
car.  Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed. So we're
just waiting.


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Fairy Tales - not for kids!

1. Cinderella Donít break out your violins for this gal just yet. All that
cruelty poor Cinderella endured at the hands of her overbearing stepmother
might have been well deserved. In the oldest versions of the story, the
slightly more sinister Cinderella actually kills her first stepmother so
her father will marry the housekeeper instead. Guess she wasnít banking on
the housekeeperís six daughters moving in or that never-ending chore list.

 2. Sleeping Beauty In the original version of the tale, itís not the kiss
of a handsome prince that wakes Sleeping Beauty, but the nudging of her
newborn twins. Thatís right. While unconscious, the princess is
impregnated by a monarch and wakes up to find out sheís a mom twice over.
Then, in true Ricki Lake form, Sleeping Beautyís ďbabyís daddyĒ
triumphantly returns and promises to send for her and the kids later,
conveniently forgetting to mention that heís married. When the trio is
eventually brought to the palace, his wife tries to kill them all, but is
thwarted by the king. In the end, Sleeping Beauty gets to marry the guy
who violated her, and they all live happily ever after.

 3. Snow White At the end of the original German version penned by the
brothers Grimm, the wicked queen is fatally punished for trying to kill
Snow White. Itís the method she is punished by that is so strange - she is
made to dance wearing a pair of red-hot iron shoes until she falls over
dead.

 4. The Little Mermaid Youíre likely familiar with the Disney version of
the Little Mermaid story, in which Ariel and her sassy crab friend,
Sebastian, overcome the wicked sea witch, and Ariel swims off to marry the
man of her dreams. In Hans Christian Andersenís original tale, however, the
title character can only come on land to be with the handsome prince if she
drinks a potion that makes it feel like she is walking on knives at all
times. She does, and you would expect her selfless act to end with the two
of them getting married. Nope. The prince marries a different woman, and
the Little Mermaid throws herself into the sea, where her body dissolves
into seam foam.

 Now here are four more fairy tales you might not be familiar with, but you
might have trouble forgetting.

 1. The King Who Wished to Marry His Daughter
What Itís Like: Cinderella, with an incestuous twist The Kingís wife dies
and he swears he will never marry again unless he finds a woman who fits
perfectly into his dead Queenís clothes. Guess what? His daughter does! So
he insists on marrying her. Ew. Understandably, she has a problem with this
and tries to figure out how to avoid wedding dear old dad. She says she
wonít marry him until she gets a trunk that locks from outside and inside
and can travel over land and sea. He gets it, but she says she has to make
sure the chest works. To prove it, he locks her inside and floats her in
the sea. Her plan works: she just keeps floating until she reaches another
shore. So she escapes marrying her dad, but ends up working as a scullery
maid in another land? from here you can follow the Cinderella story. She
meets a prince, leaves her shoe behind, he goes around trying to see who
it belongs to. The End.

 2. The Lost Childen
What Itís Like: Hansel & Gretel meets Saw 2 This French fairy tale starts
out just like Hansel & Gretel. A brother and sister get lost in the woods
and find themselves trapped in cages, getting plumped up to be eaten. Only
itís not a wicked witch, itís the Devil and his wife. The Devil makes a
sawhorse for the little boy to bleed to death on (seriously!) and then
goes for a walk, telling the girl to get her brother situated on the
sawhorse before he returned. The siblings pretend to be confused and ask
the Devilís wife to demonstrate how the boy should lay on the sawhorse;
when she shows them they tie her to it and slit her throat. They steal all
of the Devilís money and escape in his carriage. He chases after them once
he discovers what theyíve done, but he dies in the process. Yikes.

 3. The Juniper Tree
What Itís Like: Every stepchildís worst nightmare Cannibalism, murder,
decapitation? freakiness abounds left and right in this weird Grimm story.
A widower gets remarried, but the second wife loathes the son he had with
his first wife because she wants her daughter to inherit the family
riches. So she offers the little boy an apple from inside a chest. When he
leans over to get it, she slams the lid down on him and chops his head off.
Note: if youíre trying to convince your child to eat more fruits and
veggies, do not tell them this story. Well, the woman doesnít want anyone
to know that she killed the boy, so she puts his head back on and wraps a
handkerchief around his neck to hide the fact that itís no longer
attached. Her daughter ends up knocking his head off and getting blamed
for his death. To hide what happened, they chop up the body and make him
into pudding, which they feed to his poor father. Eventually the boy is
reincarnated as a bird and he drops a stone on his stepmotherís head,
which kills her and brings him back to life.

 4. Penta of the Chopped-off Hands
What Itís Like: Um? you tell us.  These old fairy tales sure do enjoy a
healthy dose of incest. In this Italian tale, the kingís wife dies and he
falls in love with Penta? his sister. She tries to make him fall out of
love with her by chopping off her hands. The king is pretty upset by this;
he has her locked in a chest and thrown out to sea. A fisherman tries to
save her, but Penta is so beautiful that his jealous wife has her thrown
back out to sea. Luckily, Penta is rescued by a king (who isnít her
brother). They get married and have a baby, but the baby is born while the
king is away at sea. Penta tries to send the king the good news of the
baby, but the jealous fishermanís wife intercepts the message and changes
it to say that Penta gave birth to a puppy. A puppy?! The evil wife then
constructs another fake message, this time from the king to his servants,
and says that Penta and her baby should be burned alive. OK, long story
short: the king figures out what the jealous wife is up to and has her
burned. Penta and the king live happily ever after. I canít really figure
out what the moral of this tale is. Chopping hands off? Giving birth to a
dog? I just donít get it.


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And now to the visual stuff sent in by Digi Maria, Muse, Whizzbang,
Allnutts, Diks, Moose, Nottingham Smithie and Anonymous:


PROPERTY TAXES: Your House As Seen By:
Yourself...
 Click here
Your Buyer...
 Click here
Your Lender...
 Click here
Your Valuer...
 Click here
Your Australian Tax Assessor...
 Click here

Is this your cat?????
 Click here

Evolution of Man and Television
 Click here

Still waiting
 Click here

One for the ladies
 Click here

ADULT COMICS
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Why didn't I think of that? ....
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Cell Phones For SALE
I've got 2 cellphones that I want to sell, if anyone is interested.
1) Almost brand new Nokia with Camera (4.1 mega pixels) - $100.00
2) Older model Nokia with camera and vibrating alert - $50.00
Have a look at the pictures and let me know. Send to your friends too if
you think they will be interested.
 Click here

Peep Show - Adults Only..................
 Click here

My son's maths has improved tenfold recently
 Click here

Baby's do and doníts
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On dole (We should all give up work now)
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Melons..!
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Bruno's Art & Sculpture Garden...
 Click here

Clever Scots...
 Click here

Keeping your age!
 Click here

Old Barn?
 Click here


Think twice before parasailing, parachuting, anything para..
 Click here

Irish DUI test
 Click here

He's at that age...
 Click here

Try this one out for size...
 Click here

Never too old...
 Click here

Ouch...
 Click here

Enjoy your no frills flight...
 Click here

Great ideas come from strange...
 Click here

No parking zone
 Click here

Yorkshire Pizza (Make sure your sound is turned on)
 Click here

What a woman!
 Click here

Hand job protest xxxx RATED
 Click here

Check out this take off..................just barely!
 Click here


And that's all we have this week folks.



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[ End friday humour ]

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