Friday humour - March 14, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

It is my turn again after quite an absence. The gap has been due to roster
changes and related stuff but I'm back! Bet you didn’t even miss me  ...

My favourite for this week is just the ticket for the 23rd.
Your First Easter Card
 Click here

And I offer this gem of wisdom as the email tag of the week:
"Try to be the person your dog thinks you are"

And by the way, if you can look at all the "Reasons not to hyphenate your
name" images without gasping for air, then, sadly, you aren't human ...

This weeks collection is courtesy of Allnutts, Croydon Caz, Old Dave, Diks,
Elle, Geoff, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Old Dave,
Seasoldier, Whizzbang, Zalaga and several anonymi.


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'True' Friendship

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but
never actually come close to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - Just the stone
cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the fu*king bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will take the p*ss out of you about it, every
chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whinging.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well again. I don't
want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because
you are my friend'.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can
feel the true warmth.

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Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the
Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the
three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting
back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police
officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things
such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew
it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any
distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in
this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face
for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything
unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,"Didn't you hear what
I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course
you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but ... " He flashed the photo in her
face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you
notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses"

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking
at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a
puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he
wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his
picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and
one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

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Party Girl

John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end
says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about three months ago." John says,
"Susan? About three months ago?" Susan says, "Yes, it was at Bill's house.
After the party you took me home.
On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good
sport." John says, "Oh, yeah. Susan! How are you?" Susan replies, "I'm
pregnant by you and I'm going to kill myself." John says, "Say, you really
ARE a good sport!"

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Divorce vs Murder!

A nice calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy
some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose
my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.

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The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like
alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As
bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the
corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss
mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make
you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door "

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"

Broken Coffee Table £239.99

Hot Breakfast £4.20

Two Aspirins £0.38

*Saying the right thing, at the right time* . . */_PRICELESS_/*

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Women Drivers

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph

With her Face up next to her rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on
that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the
donut out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!!

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There once was a Fair Lass from Aberystwyth
Who took grain to the Mill to make grist with.
The Millers Son, Jack
Laid her flat on her back, and
United the Organs they p*ssed with.

There once was a young Plumber from Lee,
Who was plumbing his lass by the Sea.
Said she "Stop you plumbing - I hear someone coming"
"I'm coming !; I'm coming !,
Cried he".

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A farmers son, took the family's young Heifer to the next door neighbours,
to be served by their bull.
He is greeted by the Farmers beautiful, young, teenage daughter and they
both sit on the fence while the bull has his way with the young cow.
The farmers son says "Geez I'd love to be doin that."
"Why don't you" replies the lass "She's your Cow?"

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Experiment - A dog is man's best friend.

A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this
experiment.
Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, see who is really happy to see you!

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Four Religious Truths

During these serious times, people of all faiths should remember these four
religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.

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 Actual call centre conversations !!!!!

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through
to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

-----------------------------------------

Caller:   'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.
Caller:   'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

-----------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller:   'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

-----------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to
the other side of the car?'

-----------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller:   'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller:   'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
off'.

-----------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:   'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

-----------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box
told a worried operator:
'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number
on'.

-----------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer:     'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer:     'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:     'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'.
Customer:     'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

-----------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:     'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

-----------------------------------------

Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?'.

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News just in from Texas...
A scientist from the University of Texas has invented a bra that keeps
women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing
through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, the scientist was taken
outside by a large group of cowboys and had the sh*t kicked out of him.

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Best Short Scottish Joke

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her
glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back..."

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High School prank...

I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the
school.
They let three goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they
painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1,2, 4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

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Catholic Humor

One morning a man comes into church on crutches. He stops in front of the
holy water and splashes some of it on both of his legs,
then throws away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the episode and runs into the rectory to tell the
priest what he'd just seen.

Without batting an eye, the priest says, "Son, you've just witnessed a
miracle. Tell me, where is this man?

"Flat on his ass, Father, over by the holy water."

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Gave them tickets and allowed them on their way.....hardline immigration
tactics

Blundering police officers put a group of illegal immigrants on a train,
gave each of them free tickets and told them to make their way to a
detention centre 80 miles away under their own steam.

Unsurprisingly, none of the nine reported to the centre and all nine
disappeared on their journey from Cambridge to Croydon.

But police have defended their actions, claiming they were only acting on
the advice of immigration officials and the decision was out of their
hands. James Paice MP for South-East Cambridgeshire where the men of
Afghani origin were found under a lorry last week,
has hit out at officials who co-ordinated the men's travel.

"This is a ludicrous policy and bound to lead to increased numbers of
illegal immigrants. As the police have made clear, the buck clearly stops
with the Home Office," he said.

The nine men, who were found at Fordham, near Newmarket, were given the
train tickets at Cambridge and the name of the immigration facility in
Croydon and told to report there without supervision. DI Alan Savile, of
Cambs Police, said: "In matters of this nature, the police are led by the
UK Immigration Service which in turns follows the Home Office instruction.

"In this instance, the Immigration Service in St Ives was consulted and the
decision taken to direct individuals to the immigration facility at
Croydon, which is accepted practice."

Mr Paice, who has now raised the matter with Immigration Minister Liam
Byrne, said: "If this is the action that the Immigration
Service actually encourages, it is hardly surprising that we have vast
numbers of illegal immigrants in this country.

"Surely when they are apprehended, as in this case, they ought not then be
released into the community without any trace of where they may go.

"It is naive in the extreme to expect nine illegal immigrants found in
Fordham to voluntarily report to a facility in Croydon."

The men are thought to have boarded a lorry owned by well-known haulage
company Turners in Europe. When the men were discovered at the firm's base
at Fordham, staff at Turners informed police. Staff said police arrived
with a minibus, took the men straight to the train station in Cambridge,
then gave them tickets and allowed them on their way.

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Variation on the Limerick.

There once was a lady from Bude
Who went swimming one day in the lake.
A man in a punt
Stuck his pole in the water
And said "You can't swim here -- it's private."

Well. What do you expect from a person of Mature Years?

-----------------------

The Oldest recorded Limerick is by Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274) and states -
translated.

Let my viciousness be emptied,
Desire and lust banished,
Charity and patience,
Humility and obedience,
And all the virtues increased.

But, it is seldom recognised, that a limerick can be Witty AND Clean.

-----------------------

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the Fandango on skates
But a slip on his cutlass
Rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

There was a young land from Cape Cod
Who thought babies were fashioned by God
But ‘twas not the almighty
That hitched up her nighty ‘Twas Roger the lodger the Sod.

There was a young girl named Jeanie
Who’s Dad was a terrible meanie.
He fashioned a latch
And a hatch for her snatch
She could only be had by Houdini.

I know a Girl of large proportions
Who knows nothing of Contraceptive precautions.
My friend , Ermintrude
Allowed a Sperm to intrude.
Can any of you handle Abortions?

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A Young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new
girlfriend. They hadn ' t been seeing each other for very long and she
lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and
decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves
would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a
dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought pair of
knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer
but the assistant mixed up the two items,
the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off
his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I ' ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are
easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought
them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks
and they were hardly soiled at all..
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean.In fact she hasn ' t needed to
wash it since she began wearing them..I wish
I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other
hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you
take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be
naturally a little damp from wearing.Just imagine how many times my lips
will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on
our next date.

All my love

Ron.

P.S.
My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a
little bit of fur showing.

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SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS  THAN WITH ONE
SINGLE AUSTRALIAN SOLDIER!"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Campbelltown and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our
greatest liberty.

And after all, it is only a sign. You may ask, "what kind of business would
dare post such a sign?"

Answer: A Funeral Home

(Who said morticians had no sense of humour?)

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The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised,
The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.
You do not take initiative
You need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the
assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V.  Gina

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Eyewitness

A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was
given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob
this bank?'

The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'

The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly!

He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you
see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'

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Abbott and Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to
REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who
sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I
can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

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What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into
a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen
a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi t*rd.
He glared at me and began writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a sh*t head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We'd come into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important
at our age

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Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical
stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and
hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to
say, "Oh sh*t!"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes
until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the
more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding< /SPAN> heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after
you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly
under the bum per.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off
of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible
future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut
good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the
trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside
edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and
for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents
such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often,
the next tool that you will need.

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Cemetery full, French Mayor tells locals not to die

The Mayor of a village in south-west France has threatened residents with
severe punishment if they die, because there is no room left in the
overcrowded cemetery to bury them.

In an ordinance posted in the council offices, Mayor Gerard Lalanne told
the 260 residents of the village of Sarpourenx that "all persons not
having a plot in the cemetery and wishing to be buried in Sarpourenx are
forbidden from dying in the parish".

It added: "Offenders will be severely punished".

The Mayor said he was forced to take drastic action after an administrative
court in the nearby town of Pau ruled in January that the acquisition of
adjoining private land to extend the cemetery would not be justified.

Mr Lalanne, who celebrated his 70th birthday on Wednesday and is standing
for election to a seventh term in this month's local elections, said he
was sorry that there had not been a positive outcome to the dilemma.

"It may be a laughing matter for some, but not for me," he said.

- Reuters

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Interview with God
 Click here

Great 1960s pic's & Music
 Click here

Etiquette
 Click here

Can your Car do this?
 Click here

Top Gear - The Worst Cars of the Century
 Click here

Peter Russell Clarke (for those who remember him) outtakes bloopers
 Click here

Cupid? - Culpable I'd say
 Click here

Insanity_on_wheels
 Click here

That's what you call pregnant! What the???
 Click here Click here

Time for a new mattress
 Click here

New Aboriginal Flag After "Sorry"
 Click here

Moscow Subway
 Click here

Subject: Why would you live in Canada?
 Click here

Global Village
 Click here

Now that's Advertising! (Xish)
 Click here

Car for Sale in Ireland

1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
Only 15 km
Only first gear and reverse used
Never driven hard
Original tires
Original brakes
Original fuel and oil
Only 1 driver Owner
Wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
 Click here

How to tell if your dog needs sensitivity training...
 Click here

A woman only needs
 Click here

Last day on the job ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's time to play 'Find the Canadian!'
This week's challenge is especially difficult.

View the candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will let
you 'Find the Canadian!'
Do you have the skill?
Do you have the ability?
Do you know enough about your Northern Cousins?
Can You FIND THE CANADIAN?
Taking notes is permissible but try to limit your time to no more than 5
minutes!
Good luck!
 Click here

Double Vision
 Click here

Tui Brewery
 Click here

From afar
 Click here

The Wonders of Caulk
 Click here

Feather painting
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Cookies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Why men decided to wear clothes..
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Ice and snow ...
 Click here

Reasons not to hyphenate your name
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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 Click here

Desperation takes many forms ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Married life
 Click here

Great location with an ocean view (XXX - but FUNNY!)
 Click here

99 words for b**bs!
 Click here

Why I was never late to school
 Click here

The Beautiful People
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Inspirational posters ....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Do you have the faith in Civil / Mechanical Engineers?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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Over 200 New Yorkers recently walked into one of the busiest train stations
in the world, New York 's Grand Central Station, and at exactly 2:30 pm,
all froze in place. There's one guy in the video who froze just as he was
stooping down to pick up some scattered papers. Talk about commitment.
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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