Friday humour - March 07, 2008

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


A few days ago Victoria's Premier, John Brumby, announced that Melbourne's
population will exceed Sydney's within the next 20 years.  Indeed in a
recent survey one in five Sydneysiders said that they would consider
moving to another city because of Sydney's clogged traffic and high cost
of living.

Mr Brumby proudly announced one of the biggest releases of residential
zoned land in the state's history.  All well and good ... but nowhere in
his announcement did he mention public transport.  No major heavy rail
lines have been constructed in Melbourne for over 50 years.  Given the
Greenhouse effect and the soaring price of petrol which may well dry up in
the foreseeable future it's damning that nothing is being done to extend
Melbourne's electrified metropolitan train services into new areas.

My favourite pic this week was sent in my a number of our regulars.  Great
planning and ingenuity ...

Redneck Mansion
 Click here


This week we start with the Allnutts selection

                                    7 KINDS OF SEX


The 1st kind of s*x is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of s*x happens when you first meet someone and you both have s*x
until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of s*x is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are
so needy you will have s*x anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of s*x is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your s*x has
gotten routine and you usually have s*x only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of s*x is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass
each other in the hallway, you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of s*x is called: Religious Sex

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at
night. (Very Popular!)

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court
and screws you in front of everyone.

And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of s*x is called: Social Security

You get a little each month - but not enough to enjoy yourself.

Please do not reply to tell me what stage you are in. I have enough
problems of my own!


                                   Best Blonde Joke

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.  One
would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other. Then moved on
to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
They were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort
you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it - why do you dig a
only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl
who plants the trees called in sick."



A woman walks into the Ipswich Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids...

"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL yours?

"Yeah they are all mine," the flustered mother sighs, having heard that
question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll
need all your children's names."

"This one's my oldest - he is Terry."

"OK, and who's next?"

"Well, this one he is Terry, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the
oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

"All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL
named Terri?"

Their Mother replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get
them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time
for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.'

An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell
"Terry" and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin'
them all Terry."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead
and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not
the whole bunch?"

"I call them by their last names!"


Here's Burnout's weekly contribution

                                        The John

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.  A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

"You idiot!  You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


                                 Our Old Hound Dog, Zeke

"Late again," the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.

"It ain't my fault," Miss Crabtree. "You can blame this on my Daddy. The
reason I'm three hours late is Daddy sleeps naked!"

Now Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

So she asked little Sammy what he meant by that, despite her mounting
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy
and trouble were old friends, but he always told the truth.

"You see, Miss Crabtree, at the ranch we got this here lowdown coyote.

The last few nights he done et six hens and killed Ma's best milk goat. And
last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his
gun and said to Ma, "That coyote's back again, I'm a gonna git him!'"

'Stay back', he yelled to all us kids!"

He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt!

To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then he stuck
that double barrel through the window of the coop. As he stared into the
darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog Zeke had done woke
up and come a sneakin' up behind Daddy. Then we all looked on plumb
helpless when old Zeke stuck that cold nose in Daddy's crack!

"Miss Crabtree, we been cleanin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"


                         Now this is how to hold a grudge!

The 1st part is a girl's apology email for cheating. The 2nd is his
hilarious reply which was forwarded to HIS entire address book and is now
circulating everywhere.


It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel
like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly,
truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the
whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever
want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that
happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much
to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being p*ssed at me, I
absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were
exchanged between us,
what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It's weird, the world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if
you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond
crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am
hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am
also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds
totally crazy and stupid, I can't imagine my days without you. It is
totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behaviour
didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate
me, and
I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person,
because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what

I am so sorry.



Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under 'L' for
'Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about'. You
did a stupid thing huh? No... Doing long division and forgetting to carry
the one is 'a stupid thing'; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is
'a stupid thing'; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45minutes while I sit
at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much
bran that morning isn't as much a 'Stupid thing' as it is grounds for
permanent removal from my social calendar. To be honest, I'm not sure if
it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet
not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by
saying 'Well, I didn't F**k him' somehow gave you a clean slate.

So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world 'looked funny' to you
yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden
Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to
actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.
The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible
they just think you're the average run of the mill c*m-guzzling blond who
commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in pump class you
really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do.
Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching
sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I cc'd about 100 people on this email.

Talk to you never,




Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?'
Granny replies, 'F@*# the pills, have you seen the dragons in the

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.  Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?' Dad
looks horrified and tells Billy all about s*x. Billy just sat there with
his mouth open in amazement. Dad says, 'So what were you watchin'?' Billy

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror asks her husband, 'I look
horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment!' He replies, 'You have
perfect eyesight!'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or
my s*xy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of


These are from Diks

                              Those Irish are at it again!

Must be getting close to St. Paddys Day???? Paddy was driving down the
street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a
parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you
find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me
life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he
meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now."


Paddy was in New York.  He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic
cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff
one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his
way to bed.  In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his
head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly..... it's
all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


                               Democrat or Republican?

I was traveling between home and work when a tire blew out. Checking my
spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a
passing motorist and get A ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the
"Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, And asked me the same
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger
and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy. Since
this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
I shouted. "Hop in," replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman. In
the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect. Breasts,
and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I
jumped out."What's the matter?" she asked.

"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for Five
minutes and already I want to screw somebody."


This one's from London Muse in Canada

                                       High Time

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but
mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boy's up one by one holding onto their wee wees"
to direct the flow.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well
endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You
must be in the 4th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh race."


These are from Nottingham Smithie

                                 Considering the results

Scientists for Health UK suggested that, considering the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (as hops contain
phytoeostrogens) and drinking it may turn men into women.

To test the theory, 100 men were given 6 pints of beer each to drink within
a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't
drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to
apologize when obviously wrong, and had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.


                       An important message from the Police

This actually happened a few weeks ago on the M3 Fleet services . It was
early evening and a young girl stopped to get petrol. She filled her tank
and walked into the store to pay for her petrol. The cashier told her
'Don't pay for your petrol yet..... walk around the store for a while and
act as if you're picking up some other things to buy. A man just got into
the back of your car. I've called the police and they're on their way'.
When the police arrived, they found the man in the back seat of the girl's
car and asked him what he was doing. He replied, he was joining a gang and
the initiation to join is to kidnap a woman and bring her back to the gang
to be raped by every member of the gang. If the woman was still alive by
the time they finish with her then they let her go. According to the
police that night,
there is a new gang forming here originating from London. The scary part of
this is because the guy didn't have a weapon on him. The police could only
charge him with trespassing. ... He's back on the street and free to try
again. Please be aware of what's going on around you and for your family
and friends. LADIES you or one of your family and friends could be the
next victim. Please forward this on to everyone you know. Please do not
discard this message it is very important that everyone knows what is

Please be careful when leaving your vehicle and make sure it is ALWAYS
Locked to prevent this from happening to you.



This first bit is mainly for women, but boys please read it and send it on
to any women you care about. The second bit is a warning to all of us!

Some sound advice for us all as we all sometimes forget to take our common
sense with us when we go out. This is from Northants Police..

Women.... In light of the recent kidnapping and now murder of Leigh Mathews
I think it is important to read the following info for your own safety.
Things women should know to stay safe: Please Take the time to read these
pointers. There may just be one or two you hadn't thought of. After
reading this, forward it to someone you care about. It never hurts to be
careful in this crazy world we live in.

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If
you are close enough to use it, do!

2. If a robber asks for your handbag, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away
from you.... he is probably more interested in your handbag than you and
he will go for the handbag. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the boot of a car: Kick out the back tail
lights and stick your arm through the hole and start waving. The driver
won't see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating,
working, etc., and just sit (doing their cheque book, or making a list).

DON'T DO THIS! A predator could be watching you, and this is the perfect
opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, and attack you. AS

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a car park:

A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side
floor, and check the back seat.

B.) If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger
door. Most attackers surprise their victims by pulling them into their
vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the
passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car,
you may want to walk back into the shop, or work, and get a
guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN
SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the lift instead of the stairs. Stairwells are horrible
places to be alone and the perfect crime spot.

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN!
The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; and even
then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get
you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking,
well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting
women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked 'for help' into
his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a
crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police
because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her
'Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' The lady then said that it
sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that
it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, 'We
already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door.' He
told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses
it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a
baby. He said they hear babies' cries outside their doors when they're
home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life.


You Think English is Easy???

Read to the end... a new twist to an oldie.

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English
for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One
index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by
truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That
is why, when the stars are out, they are visib le, but when the lights are
they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick" You lovers of the English
language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting,
why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP
for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has
real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line! UP for tickets, work UP
an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be
dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped
UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized!
it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty
definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the
many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't
give UP , you may wind UP with! a hundred or more. When it threatens to
rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is
UP .

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP,
so........... Time to shut UP.....!


This is from Stonefish

                    What's Life without a few smart ar*es!!!!

Apparently this is a true account from a self-confessed smart ar*e. It went
along something like this ...

I have 2 dogs and I was buying a large bag of Pal Meaty Bites at Big W and
standing in line at the check-out. A woman behind me asked if I had a 
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd  ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs before I woke in an intensive care ward
with tubes coming out of  most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I
told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had
been poisoned by the food.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my
ar*e and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.  Stupid f*ckin bitch...why  else would I buy
dog food??


Here's a joke that actually was anonymous


Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and
doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test
and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around
your home.


Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as
hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time
wasn't effective enough.


Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just
perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with
one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly
back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other breast.


Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger
into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with
the stranger to meet next year and do it again.


AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men? ........ And

When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

Now.... don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!


Here's some nice stuff from the mobile Caz who hasn't been in Croydon much
lately who said "Sorry not much this week but have been on work travels
ALL week...I'll send what I can!"


On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God
agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.' So that is why for our first twenty
years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we
slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey
tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on
the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.



'Women In Charge Of Everything' is proud to announce the opening of its
complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of
eight participants The course covers two days, and topics covered on this
course include:


HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS Step by step guide with slide presentation


DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR Practicing with hamper (pictures
and graphics)

THEMSELVES? Debate amongst a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL Losing the remote control - Helpline and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS Starting with looking in the right place
instead of turning the house upside down whilst shouting - Open forum


discussion and role play


REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST Real life testimonial from the one
man who did


Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION Relaxation exercises, meditation and
breathing techniques

your calendar or PDA to class

Individual counsellors available


Moose sent in this lot


A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs. The sign

'S3X FROGS  Only $20 each!  Comes with complete instructions! '

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter,

'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the

The blonde nods, grabs the box and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very s3xy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise... 
NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads
the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper:

'If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.'

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in
and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The
damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly
into its eyes and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this .. ONE .. MORE



A Northern Territory station (ranch) hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to
the farm manager.

'Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's
but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and
squealing so much I can't get him out.'

The manager says, 'Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot
the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him.'

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said boss.
Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars.
No problem there, but I still can't go on'.

'Now what's the problem?' raged the Manager.

'Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the
right-front wheel arch.'

' Boss ! '

'............ You there Boss?'


This is from Seasoldier


It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. "Would you like
the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.

"What are my choices?" John asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


A flight attendant was stationed at the Departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket.  ... Not
your stub."


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, " Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
"Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him
and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally
a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck
driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of


A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,

"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter s*xual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other

Two bonus extras:

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She
says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12
Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....


This weeks a/v files are from Moose, Whizzbang, Stonefish, Cartographer
Chris, Digi Steve, Zalaga, Chris (SOB), Muse, Seasoldier, Croydon Caz,
Trina, Burnout, Allnutts, Diks, and KRP of Coffs.

My living will
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the study and I said to her, 'I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my champagne.
She's such a bitch
 Click here

Antarctica Wave....very cool....enlarge your screen
The water froze the instant the wave broke through the ice. That's what it
is like in Antarctica. Water freezes the instant it comes in contact with
the air. The temperature of the water is already some degrees below
freezing. Just look at how the wave froze in midair?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

No Service
 Click here

Better Advertisements
 Click here

Flexible snake woman
 Click here

 Click here

A hermaphrodite??
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

How not to reverse a Pajero
 Click here

This is why some photographers get paid more than others...
 Click here

If you can't see the baby in the picture, don't give up. It's really cool
when it actually appears. This is not a joke and ~ NO ~ Nothing is going
to jump out at you!
You have to have an open mind. Don't look for a Baby, and you will see the
Baby! Once you see it you won't see anything else!!!
 Click here

Window Washer
 Click here

The Nativity... Inner London style.
 Click here

Red binder
My Fellow Co-Workers,
I HAVE Compiled a red 'Master Reference' binder. Inside this binder you
will find 'solutions' to everyday problems.
If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with
co-workers, having computer problems, customer problems, personal
problems,or any kind of problem, please come and get the red binder and it
will help you through your issue.
 Click here Click here Click here

Pakistani Auto Club, NOT AAA approved
 Click here

The Wood Spider - Adult Educational
 Click here

The Daily Grind
 Click here

They've Found Her...
They've found Popeye's Mom...
 Click here Click here

 Click here

Chadstone not justa shopping mall - Ha ha ha ha!!!
 Click here

Ya never know....
 Click here

Only you...
 Click here

Not covered...
 Click here

Distinctly satisfying...
 Click here

Great commercial... women loveit
 Click here

Slavery reparations in US (this may be close to home for you) (meow)
 Click here

Doorman.... its brilliant]
 Click here

What Celebrities Would Look Like If They Moved to Missouri
 Click here

Thank God For Animals
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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A woman scorned!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

A pilot's story on flying .... incredible ....
Just Flying along, enjoying the ride....
 Click here
Oh my, this is so much's so great being a pilot.
 Click here
Hmmm something feels different.....
 Click here
Hey, why am I looking up.....??
 Click here controls aren't working???
 Click here
Where's my F-15.....??
 Click here
Oh...there it is....
 Click here
I think I'm having separation anxiety....
 Click here
OK...I'm out here....but first the canopy has to go...
 Click here
Glad that worked.....
 Click here
That's I'm gone....
 Click here
Can you imagine what was going through this poor pilot's mind?
AND, just what caused the mid air break up.....
U.S. Air Force's announcement on Thursday said that a Missouri
National Guard F-15 jet broke apart in midair on Nov. 2, 2007; the pilot
evacuated the plane safely. The breakup in mid air was blamed on parts
that didn't meet specifications; which raises issues ranging from national
security to potential legal action and even foreign sales.

 Click here

 Click here Click here

Why old people rock
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

AO Chat room
 Click here

Marshalling fort Charity
 Click here


This lot came from Zalaga in Sherwood Forest

                                 Embarrassing Moment

A radio station in Ireland ran a phone-in competition to find the most
embarrassing moment in listener's lives. The final four were:

4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some
pent-up energy and started to run amuck I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
as threatening, 'if you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma I saw
you kissing Daddy's willie last night'. After this enlightening exchange,
the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank, with my
daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door shut behind me were
screams of laughter.

3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so i invited my girlfriend over for
a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her
a piggy-back ride down to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call
we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the
the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'.
My entire family - parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well
as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen on the
spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an
eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise

2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to
the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The
checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across
the store for everyone to hear, 'PRICE CHECK FOR TAMPAX SUPERSIZE'. But it
got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the
'Tampax' for the 'Thumbtacks', and replied in a business like tone, his
voice booming over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind
you push in with your thumb or the kind you belt in with a hammer?'

1st Place And the winner is ...
This happened at a major Irish University, during a biology lecture. A
professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young
woman raised her hand and asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are
saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor
responded, 'yes, that's correct', adding some statistical data to his
lecture. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn't it
taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing.
The poor girl turned bright red, and as she realised exactly what she had
inadvertently said, she picked up her books and without another word,
walked out of the class and never returned.

However, as she was heading for the door, the professor's reply was a
classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question: "It doesn't
taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your
tongue and not in the back of your throat"



How a marriage works - all men should read this.

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party
with his old buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think
of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop... but at the bar... you know... they have
frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting
chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar
they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5
dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know... there's swearing, dirty
words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead?  Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your mother f***ing snacks, because you are Married
and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

......... and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story


                        Dont ask Grandma silly questions

Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an
elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; 'Mrs.
do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams.
I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big
disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and
talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than
a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, 'Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build
a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different
One of them was your wife. Yes I know him.' The defence attorney almost

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice

'If either of you f*ckers asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the
electric chair.'


Finally some stuff from Whizzbang

                               WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below.


                          Australian Passport Application

This is obviously an application for an American passport, but there are
close similarities to our system.

Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Dick Smith has my address and telephone number and knows
I bought a TV cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government
is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

You have my birth date on my Centrelink card, and it is on all the income
tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It's on my health insurance
card, my driver's license, on the last eight bloody passports I've had, on
all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before
being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those
insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is
Maryanne, my father's name is Robert, and I'd be absolutely astounded if
that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really p*ssed off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of this bullsh*t! You mail the application to my
house, then you ask me for my bloody address. What is going on? You have a
gang of Neanderthal as*holes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I
look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for sh*t sakes.
I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone
please tell me, why would you give a sh*t whether I plan on visiting a
farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to
a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city
and get another bloody copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to
assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day? But nooooo, that'd
be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all
over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some
as*hole to confirm that it's really me on the goddamn picture -- you know,
the one where we're not allowed to smile in?! Bloody morons!

Hey, you know why we can't smile? 'Cause we're totally p*ssed off!

Signed - An Irate Bloody Australian Citizen.

PS. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to
confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1770
when one of my forefathers took up arms against the Pommies.

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had
security clearances up the yingyang. I was aide de camp to the Lieutenant
Governor of our State for ten years, and I have been doing volunteer work
for the CMF for about five years. However, I have to get someone
"important" to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS



1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of

What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you lie!)

Pass this on to some brilliant friends, so they may feel useless too.


                                   Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No
one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not
know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream
guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked
for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer]


She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered
this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous
American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a
killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered
the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my
email list.


                                        How True

(Written by a housewife in New Brunswick, Canada to her local newspaper.
This is one ticked off lady.)

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started
by Islamic people who brought it to our shores on September 11, 2001 and
have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day, in
downtown Manhattan, across the Potomac from the nation's capitol and in a
field in Pennsylvania?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning
or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured
by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against
in a brutal insurgency.

I'll start caring when Osama bin Laden turns himself in and repents for
incinerating all those innocent people on 9/11.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring
about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by
beheading in Afghanistan.

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off
Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out
and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding
in mosques.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blows themselves up in search of
nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide

I'll care when the Canadian media stops pretending that their freedom of
speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the
ground or their families waiting a home to hear about them when something

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a CANADIAN soldier roughing up
an insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this: I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to
move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take it to the bank: I
don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner, who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and
fed 'special' food that is paid for by my tax dollars, is complaining that
his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your
heart of hearts: I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and
other times 'Quran.' Well, Jimmy Crack Corn and, you guessed it, I don't

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends.
Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you
choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities
committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country!

And may I add: 'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made
a difference in the world. But, the soldiers don't have that problem.'

I have another quote that I would like to add AND....... I hope you forward
all this.

One last thought for the day:

Only five defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The Canadian Soldier.

3. The British Soldier.

4. The US Soldier.

5. The Anzacs, and

One died for your soul, the other 4 for your freedom.'

[ Editor's note:  I've included this joke to maintain a semblance of
balance.  I see it more as funny peculiar rather than funny funny. ]


                                        The Funeral

A man was leaving a coffee shop with his morning coffee in hand, when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession advancing along the street.

First came a coffin inside a long black hear*e. Then, from about 10 metres
behind, it was followed by a second long black hear*e carrying another
coffin. Behind the second hear*e was a solitary man walking with a dog on
a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 100 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is
a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But, who is in the second hear*e?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.."

A thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."


                                     DEATH BY EMAIL

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to
the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As
the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning,
he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you.
You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..  That night,
he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell
you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.  If the only way I
can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of
grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these
numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and
knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth
and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284, 232 blades
of grass and 231,281,219, 999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show
you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The
sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny.
May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the
key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of
ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that
door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man
had gone through doors of emerald,..

....... silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and
behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

...  But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!!!



Quote of the Week:

"If you have people in areas that have no footpaths, poor public 
transport, no community services, then they're more likely to be  less
active, more overweight and more depressed because they  have no one to
connect to.  We don't want huge tracts of state  housing with giant
shopping malls that you can only get to by car."

                     Professor Rob Moodie, former chief of VicHealth


[ End friday humour ]

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