Friday humour - February 29, 2008

Gidday from Deano,

Another great week here in FH headquarters. We have received truckloads of
funnies this week and the volume is getting bigger. There are more movies
and video stuff coming in and it is hard for us editors to view (and
censor) them all before compiling Friday Humour, so if there is something
rude or offensive don’t blame us – we are just presenting what we are
sent.

My favourite this week was sent in by another of our regular contributors,
Muse
Get out of my car...(mild XXX language)
 Click here


The written funnies this week have been sent in this week by Anonymous,
Whizzbang, Moose, Diks, Allnutts, Felix, Croydon Caz, and Nottingham
Smithie.


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Dirty Joke
A young couple recently got married and went on their honeymoon. When they
got back, the bride immediately called her mother. 'Well,' said her
mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh, Mum' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!' Suddenly
she burst out crying. 'But, mum as soon as we returned, Sam started using
the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all
these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home . PLEASE MUM!'
'Sarah, Sarah,' her mother said, 'calm down!' You need to stay with your
husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT
4-letter words?'
'Please don't make me tell you, mum' wept the daughter, 'I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!'
'Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these
horrible 4-letter words!'
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mum . . he used words like: Dust, Wash, Iron,
and Cook ...'
'I'll pick you up in twenty minutes,' said the mother......


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George Carlin on Age
 Click here Click here
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a
half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next
number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're
gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21 YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad
milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a
sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the
brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your
dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch;
you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s,
you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little
kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop"
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next
county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but    by the
moments that take our breath away.

And if you don't send this to at least 8 people - who cares? But do share
this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!


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Blonde joke
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says,  "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've
bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup
truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
it will cost 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the
brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable."
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want
her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it
very slowly.... "com-for-da-bul."


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At last, a sensible chain letter!!
Hello, my name is Cecil. And I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50
billion f*cking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if
you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her
forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her
redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly
believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you
send 'his' email, $1000?
How stupid are you?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bullsh*t.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started
by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways
on the Endeavour.
Fuck 'em!!
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing.
I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor,
wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some
omniscient being' forwards about 90 times.
I don't f*cking care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own
unpopularity.
The point being?
If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or
luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.
If it's funny, send it on.
Don't p*ss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana
with no teeth who has been tied to the ar*e of a dead elephant for 27
years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if
you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your
underwear will turn carnivorous and consume your genitals.
Have a nice day.
P.S: Send me 15 pounds and then f*ck off


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Snow White & 7 Dwarfs.......
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As
always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime
approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One
day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been
a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began
calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
"Hello, hello!" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again
shouted, "Hello! Is anyone down there?"
Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from
deep within the mine.
"Vote for John Howard, Vote for John Howard.
"Vote for John Howard, Vote for John Howard.
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, "Oh, thank you,
God! At least Dopey is still alive."


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Popcorn
A young aboriginal boy decides to go & see a movie. He decides to take his
pet goanna along with him. Upon his arrival at the cinema he notices a
sign that says ' no pets allowed' thinking quickly he slips the goanna
down his shorts & goes in. Once he takes his seat a lady & her hubby take
the seats beside him, her the closest. He decides that the goanna needs
fresh air while in the theatre so unzips his fly & lets the goanna stick
his head out.
After a while the lady leans over & says to hubby 'this young fella beside
me has his penis out'.
Hubby replies ' if you have seen one, you have seen em all'.
'Yes' she replies' BUT THIS BASTARD'S EATING MY POPCORN'


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Golf caddies
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the
counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a
caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem but
all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this:
We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take
one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works,
your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee,
looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the
job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A
driver is far too much club for this hole."
Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the
ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on
the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his
assistance.
As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna
break left to right."
The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green
will break right to left"
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided
again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole
thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His
entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of
the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was
your game?"
The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you
very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed and, excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon
entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like
18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the
18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had
too many complaints."
Confused, the golfer cried, "COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've
complained about those robots? They were incredible!"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that
they were made of shiny silver metal and the sun reflecting off them was
blinding to other golfers on the fairway."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up
for work, two filed for welfare, and the other two robbed the pro shop."


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Facelift.
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday She spends £10,000
and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a
news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the assistant,
"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About
32," is the reply.
"Nope!  I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the
very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself.  She stops in a drug store on
her way down the street.  She goes up to the counter to get some mints and
asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to
her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.  Although, when I was young,
there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very
forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.  Then,
and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best
of her.  She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very
slowly and carefully.  He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently
pinches each nipple.  He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against
each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says,
"Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.
"I was behind you in McDonald's."


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COWS
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six
cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company
secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all
seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new
president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance
sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want
three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it
worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk
themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know  where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your
country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
Democracy...

A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Your cousin is jealous and wants one, so he starts a civil war over it!

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to
celebrate.

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Stolen??
K.Rudd went to an outback community to talk about the stolen generation.
The tribal elders said "We don't know nothin bout your fukken stolen
generator" .

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Great Notices from around the world
Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber"

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be…"

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."


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Golfing Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local
golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind
if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one
of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are
my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a
look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' So he picked up
the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see
right in the window.' 'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can
see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her He's
naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the
trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth.' 'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck
off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few
minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly,' I think I can save you a grand
here.....'


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Lines to make you smile..
1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he
was God and I didn't.
2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
15.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
18.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
20.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .
21 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
22 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for
a pig.
23.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.


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And now to the visual stuff sent in by Old Dave, Cartographer Chris,
Nottingham Smithie, Allnutts , Muse, Croydon Caz, Burnout, wayne and
Juanita, Whizzbang, Digi Steve, Moose and Anonymous:

Scientific Experiment]
 Click here

Hello help Desk
 Click here

Halloween game - for those with more time on their hands than sense
 Click here

Everyone needs a good laugh
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MAXINE AT IT AGAIN
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It didn't take long....
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A TEST THAT YOUR MINDS ARE WORKING
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Okay............here it is.  A test to see if your brain is still working. 
Let me know if you passed.
Which one do you think is the blonde?


Answer is shown below :


The blonde is the only one with her right leg up.  DUH!


Oh dear...
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Priceless
You have just made it through your wedding ceremony and step out onto the
church steps. The photographer raises his camera. Following your family
tradition, both of you hold white doves which you will release together.
You and your new husband stand shoulder to shoulder with a dove in your
hands as your friends and relatives eagerly wait. The photographer gives
the ready signal and you open your hands toward the sky.
Not a dry eye in the house,
The camera flashes; the moment is saved for eternity....
Wedding Gown $2,500.
Photographer $2,000
Having 'the twins' pop out
And say CHEESE in front of your family and friends...
 Click here
              PRICELESS!!!!!

Sporting Commentators.
 Click here

Its time to change the window
 Click here
I'm sure it seemed like a good design at the time. But, times have changed.

A little bit XXX
Alabama Death Penalty
 Click here

Reminders
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When you need to relax and just get away from it all..... May I suggest~~
'A Day at the beach in CHINA'' ???
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NOW GUESS WHERE THE TOILETS ARE?

Sincere Apologies To Everyone
Over the past few months I have forwarded some inappropriate pictures and
jokes to friends who I thought shared the same tastes and sense of humor.
Unfortunately this wasn't the case and I seem o have upset quite a few
people who have accused me of being s*xist and shallow. If you were one of
these people, please accept my sincerest apologies. From now on I will only
post or send e-mail with a cultural or educational content such as old
monuments, nature and other interesting structures.
Below is a picture of the Pont Neuf Bridge in Paris: 'Pont Neuf' is the
oldest bridge in Paris and took 26 years to build, construction began in
1578 and ended in 1604, 'Le Pont Neuf' is actually made of two independent
bridges, one with seven arches and the other with five arches.
 Click here

Modern Books for Modern Kids
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Absolutely Amazing This Really Works!
This is a twist on an oldie - enjoy!  If you don't like seeing the "rude"
word, then don't open!
 Click here

THE SHERIFF'S CAR .
The Kern County, California, Sheriff's Department orders plain white patrol
units and has the graphics applied locally. In this case, what   they
ordered was not quite what they got.
This car was driven for 1 week before an officer noticed what the graphics
company employee did on the passenger side of the car.  The employee did
this on his last day   working for the graphics company before he retired.
 Click here

Great Tattoo
 Click here
..until he went to jail.

Boob & Beer Day
This reminder is being sent in case you forgot...Yeah RIGHT----
TODAY IS.....’ NATIONAL BOOBS 'N' BEER APPRECIATION DAY
 Click here
BEATS THE SHIT OUT OF SORRY DAY, DOESN'T IT ?

DON'T OPEN IN FRONT OF KIDS XXXXXXXXXXX
I don't remember the Flintstones like this !!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Got to love this poster!
 Click here

BETTER GET THE BIG CHAINS BOYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Goonyella 797 B bogged.
 Click here

Let it finish
 Click here

Employee of the Month
This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!
From,     Management
 Click here

Amazing changes...
 Click here

New drug
 Click here

Man or toy from aunty juan
 Click here


Football, pretty awesome
 Click here

THIS ONE WILL DRIVE YOU NUTS!!
Apple pickin' time!
(NOT AS EASY AS YOU WOULD THINK)
This will keep you busy for a while....
See if you can catch the 100 falling apples. If you do you have to be quick
on the trigger.
 Click here

Ultimate waterslide
 Click here


Billiards & Dominos
 Click here
Don't know if you have seen this before or not - but it is good!  Enjoy!


And that's all we have this week folks.



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[ End friday humour ]

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