Friday humour - February 22, 2008


[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]

G'day

It was interesting to see the ABC's Four Corners program "Howard's End" on
Monday night.  Here was a bitch session by virtually all the senior
ministers of the former government blaming the Man of Steel for not
standing aside the leadership.

Sure ... Howard should take most of the blame.  One of his most consistent
lies was that he would remain Liberal leader as long as the party wanted
him to.  Of course when it became clear that they wanted him to go he
wouldn't and suddenly changed tack and said he wasn't a quitter.

But what a pile of gutless wonders they were.  Nobody in the Liberal Party
would stand up to the "mean and tricky" autocrat who divided and conquered
over us for more than 11 years.

Now Hockey admits WorkChoices was a dud.  Most of them say that Kyoto
should have been ratified years ago.  And all seemed unanimous that Howard
should have stepped down well before the election.  Why did they all fiddle
while the Liberal Party burned?

And the biggest fiddler of all ... Peter Costello.  Maybe Howard realised
that he just didn't have the ticker.

Howard Downer and Ruddock have much to answer for in the downfall of the
previous government.  Perhaps they should all say "Sorry" for all their
lies and inefficiencies.

Howard for taking us into a "pre-eminent" fruitless war against an innocent
country resulting in hundreds of thousands of innocent deaths, Downer for
approving all "wheat for weapons" payments despite 26 written warnings
from his department, and Ruddock for all the c*ck-ups cover ups and
indefinite detentions in immigration detention centres, not to mention
blind support for Guantanamo Bay.

What a legacy of wasted opportunities this motley lot left to Australia in
a time of economic boom.  There was no vision, no infrastructure, and no
compassion - just fear and smear campaigns with the short term aim of
winning the next election.  The electorate deserved better.


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First up this week is a quickie from Slatts

                                   Jewish or Aboriginal

A young boy came home from school one day slightly confused.  His mother
was
Jewish and his father was Aboriginal.  So he asks, "Mum, am I more Jewish
or more Aboriginal?"

"What does it really matter? You'll just have to ask your father", his
mother tells him.

So he waits until dad gets home from work and asks the same question, "Dad,
am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to
know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?"

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle
for $50, I don't know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark
and steal the f*cking thing!"


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And a couple from Biggus (aka Fifi)

                                    Management

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is
replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left
three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you
encounter a crisis you can't solve."

Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong -
the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He
remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first
envelope.
The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off
the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the
second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the
company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The
message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".


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                              The origin of yodelling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began? California? Oregon?
Switzerland? Most believe it originated in Switzerland, and here's how it
happened.

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up
to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the
farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is
that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place
to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn. "The daughter
said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So, she prepared him a plate of food and
took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her
clothing dishevelled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn,
and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse
buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight
to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying good-bye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at
him, "I'm going to get you! You had s*x with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."


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Here's some stuff from Bob F (from the room with the view)

       ATTORNEY'S ADVICE (NSW) - NO CHARGE (for a change)

A corporate attorney sent the following out to the employees in his
company:

1. Next time you order cheques, have only your initials (instead of your
first name) and last name put on them. If someone takes your chequebook,
they will not know if you sign your cheques with just your initials or your
first name, but your bank will know how you sign your cheques.

2. Do not sign the back of your credit cards. Instead, put "PHOTO ID
REQUIRED".

3. When you are writing cheques to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT
put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the
last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number,
and anyone who might be handling your cheque as it passes through all the
cheque processing channels won't have access to it.

4. Put your work phone number on your cheques instead of your home phone.
If you have a PO Box, use that instead of your home address. If you do not
have a PO Box, use your work address. Never have your Centrelink Number
printed on your cheques. You can add it if it is necessary, but if you
have it printed, anyone can get it.

5. Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine. Do both sides
of each licence, credit card, etc. You will know what you had in your
wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and
cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my
passport when travelling either here or abroad. We've all heard horror
stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address,
Social Security number,
credit cards.

Unfortunately I, an attorney, have first-hand knowledge because my wallet
was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieves ordered an expensive
monthly mobile phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit
line approved to buy a Dell computer, received a PIN number from DMV to
change my driving record information on-line, and more.

But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this
happens to you or someone you know:

1. We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately, but the
key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know
whom to call. Keep those where you can find them.

2. File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where your credit
cards, etc., were stolen. This proves to credit providers you were
diligent,
and this is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

3. But here's what is perhaps most important of all: (I never even thought
to do this.)

Call the three national credit reporting organisations immediately to place
a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of
doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application
for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any
company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen, and
they have to contact you by phone to authorise new credit. By the time I
was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage
had been done.
There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves'
purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since
then,
no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away.
This weekend someone handed it in. It seems to have stopped them dead in
their tracks.

Now, here are some numbers which you might need to contact if your wallet
etc has been stolen:
1. Visa Card Australia 1800 621 199
2. Visa Card International 1800 450 346
3. Lost Travellers' Cheques 1800 127 477
4. MasterCard Australia (02) 9466 3700
5. MasterCard International 1800 120 113
6. Bankcard Australia (02) 9281 6633
7. Medicare 132 011
8. Centrelink Fraud 137 230
9. Seniors Card 1300 364 758
10. Passport 131 232

ANZ FREECALL 1800 033 844 BankWest 131 718 Citibank 132 484 Tamworth
Coles/Myer Source 2340 1300 306 397 Commonwealth 132 221 CUSCAL- MyCard
1300 135 538 GE Capital 1300 369 904 Members Equity 1300 654 998 National
132 265
St George 1800 028 208 SydneyVirgin 2000 1800 080 000 Westpac 1800 230 144
Woolworths Ezy Banking 137 288

We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything,
but if you are willing to pass this information along, it could really help
someone.


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AN OLDY BUT WORTH A SECOND LOOK SINCE IT'S CHINESE NEW YEAR.

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or
any s*x for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong
with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known
Chinese s*x therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr
Chang said "OK,
take off all your crose."  The woman did as she was told.

"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw
reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have
Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf s*x or
dates."

The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"

Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face
look Ed Zachary like your bum."


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The Allnutts selection

                                    Love and Marriage

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've
been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand
in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a
headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked!
The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and
see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes
home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll Be right
back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back A few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better
than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly
follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my
wife!"

His funeral services will be held on Monday


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                                      Pregnant!

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and
distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very
expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and
tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but
I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail
stores,
a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born,
my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If
it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, If there is a
miscarriage,
what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again."


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                                 Finally Together

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Alas, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the
Lord for this very loving woman and said, " Lord, they're finally
together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend ...

"Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."


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From Croydon UK, Caz sent this in

                                      Smart Blonde!

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says
she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
£5,000. The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for
the loan.

The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using
a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan. An employee of the
bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage
and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest,
which comes to £15.41. The Manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have
had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we
are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a millionairess. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies...

"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and
expect it to be there when I return?"


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Digi Steve sent this in  [ sound on ]

                              Dutch Department Store

HEMA is a Dutch department store. The first store opened on November 4,
1926, in Amsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands .

HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg, and Germany In June of this
year, HEMA was sold to British investment company Lion Capital.

Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in
Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens.

This company has a sense of humor and a great computer programmer.

 Click here


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This came from Front Range Barbie

                                   Heimlich Maneuver

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they
talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a  woman at a nearby
table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or
so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the
hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress,
yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with
his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a  violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his
table.   His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick
Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'


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A quickie from Moose

                               Retirement Planning .....

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00
left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer/wine one year ago, drank
all the beer/wine, then turned in the cans/bottles for the recycling
REFUND,
you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily
and recycle.  Let people you care about know... and tell them to Start
Now!!!


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From Nottingham Smithie

                                       Willie Nillie

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in
and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't
remember, but I'm afraid you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're
going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything seems to be OK, but there is
a bit of bad news and I'm going to break it to you as gently as I can. Your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

The bloke groans a bit (as you do) but the doctor goes on, 'We've checked
your insurance and you've actually got £9,000 compensation coming to you
and the good news is that we have the technology now to build you a new
one that will work just as well as your old one, better in fact. But the
thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It is one thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up a bit at this news 'So it's a simple decision,' the
doctor says, "you need to decide how many inches you want. But it's
something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five
inch willy before and you decide to go for a nine inch willy now, she
might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine incher before and you decide
only to invest in a five incher now, she might be a bit disappointed. It's
important that you consult with her to help you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.  'So' he says, 'have you spoken with
your wife?'

'I have.' says the chap.

'And has she helped you to make the decision?'

'Yes, she has' he says.

'And what is the decision?' asks the doctor.

'We're having a new kitchen.'


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Enjoy this stuff from Whizzbang

                                    VALENTINES DAY

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your
wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and
any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly... guys feel left out. That's right... left out. There's no
special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in
their life.
Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it.
This is why a new holiday has been created.

February 13th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up Day.'
Simple, effective and self-explanatory... this holiday has been created so
you ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.

No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town the name of the holiday
explains it all... just a steak, a BJ & shut your mouth for the rest of the
day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the Fuck Up
Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much
harder in February to ensure a more memorable March!  It's like a
perpetual love machine.

The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little
push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love
and peace to this crazy world.


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                     ONLY FORWARD IF YOU CAN READ THIS

I'm one of the 55. Are You?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny
55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and yo u can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.


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Here's a couple of oldies but goodies from Zalaga in Robin Hood Land

                                       Baked Beans

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent
that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from
work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him
that
I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small
diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles
to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I
reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had
consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure
that I released all the gas. Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to
see! me and exclaimed delightedly: 'Darling I have a surprise for dinner
tonight.'

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a
seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.
He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to
answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was
becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized
the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not
only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in
front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air
around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off
three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I
went on like this for another few minutes.

The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells
signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times
with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling
very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned,
apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the
blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated
around the table chorused: 'Happy Birthday!'

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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                         The Widow and the Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was
a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very
little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for
a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around
the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then
one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a
really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Sat*rday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,'
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He
did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off
my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the
fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as
he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town
again, you're fired'


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Cartigrapher Chris sent this in

SORRY... This was the original statement to be read by Kevin 07 last week
in
Parliament (obtained through FOI)

        AUSTRALIAN APOLOGY TO THE ABORIGINAL POPULATION

We apologise for giving you doctors and free medical care, which allows you
to survive and multiply so that you can demand apologies.

We apologise for helping you to read and teaching you the English language
and thus we opened up to you the entire European civilisation, thought and
enterprise.

We feel that we must apologise for building hundreds of homes for you,
which you have vandalised and destroyed.

We apologise for giving you law and order which has helped prevent you from
slaughtering one another and using the unfortunate for food purposes.

We apologise for developing large farms and properties, which today feed
you people, where before, you had the benefits of living off the land and
starving during droughts.

We apologise for providing you with warm clothing made of fabric to replace
that animal skins you used before.

We apologise for building roads and railway tracks between cities and
building cars so that you no longer have to walk over harsh terrain.

We apologise for paying off your vehicle when you fail to pay the
installments

We apologise for giving you free travel anywhere, whenever.

We apologise for giving each and every member of your family $100.00 and
free travel to attend an aboriginal funeral.

We apologise for not charging you rent on any lands when white people have
to pay.

We apologise for giving you interest free loans.

We apologise for developing oil wells and minerals, including gold and
diamonds which you never used and had no idea of their value.

We apologise for developing Ayers rock and Kakadu, and handing them over to
you so that you get all the money.

We apologise for allowing taxpayers money to be paid towards your
daughters' wedding ($8,000.00 each daughter)

We apologise for giving you $17 billion per year for your 250,000 people,
which is $48,000.00 per aboriginal man, woman and child.

We apologise for working hard to pay taxes that finance your welfare,
medical care, education, etc to the tune of $1.2 billion each year.

We apologise for you having to approach the aboriginal affairs department
to verify the above figures. For the trouble you will have identifying the
"uncle toms" in your own community who are getting richer and leaving some
of you living in squalor and poverty.

We do apologise. We really do.

We humbly beg your forgiveness for all the above sins.

We are only too happy to take back all the above and return you to the
paradise of the "outback", whenever you are ready.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This is from Elle

                                           Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity
when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and
tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl
was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered
into their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then dissapeared over the
roof.  Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything s*xual at
such a young age, the father replied, 'It.... it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said
...

'Had a big d*ck, didn't it?'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Geoff

                                   More from Canada ...

TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT. A
guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for
$42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course
the lake is frozen.

These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course, the New
NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks,
something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large
enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than
the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new
NAVIGATOR comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our
two
Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run
away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the
Navigator),
decide on the following course of action: They light the 40 second fuse;
then, with a mighty thrust. They throw the stick of dynamite as far away as
possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the
NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...??? Let's talk about the dog: A highly
trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!! Especially things thrown by the
owner! You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of
speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse,
just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their
arms and,
with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream
and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his
master,
keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog! The
shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black
Lab.
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another
shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and
of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog
takes off to find cover, under the brand new NAVIGATOR! The men continue
to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the
dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off
after his master. Then""""""""""BOOOOOOOOOOOOM""""""""""!!!! The truck is
blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots
standing there with...... "I can't believe this just happened" looks on
their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use
of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make first
of those $560.00 a month payments... In case you are wondering... The dog
is okay... Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix.

AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN NEWFOUNDLAND?

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

WONDERFUL GAME, THIS GOLF.

Russel comes into the 18th Hole of the Golf Club, looking terrible. The day
was cool and mild, but Russel was dishevelled  and a lather of sweat.
"How was your game", I asked as I pulled him a middy of beer.
"The worst game I have ever had" replied Russel. “ I have never been so
worn out in my life"
"Why, what happened" said I , as I pushed the glass over the counter.
"Well  --  John and I are on the first tee.  I am just lining up my first
shot, when John grabs at his chest, lets out a groan and collapses to the
ground.
The worst bloody game I have ever had - hit a ball, drag John; hit a ball ,
drag John."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Here's the A/V stuff now and it's from Croydon Caz, Burnout, newbie Green
Man, Cartographer Chris, Trina, Whizzbang, Allnutts, Dave, The Duke of B,
FRB, Moose, KRP from Coffs, Rudolph from WA, and Zalaga.


The Seven Amazing Holes
The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny you are.
1. Kimberley Big Hole - South Africa
2. Glory Hole - Monticello Dam
3. Bingham Canyon Mine, Utah
4. Great Blue Hole, Belize
5. Mirny Diamond Mine, Serbia
6. Diavik Mine, Canada
7. Sinkhole, Guatemala
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Great animal/people shots...
 Click here

Fedex
 Click here

Every office...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Driving Nightmares versus Beauty
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Never put a tractor bucket down while in Road Gear
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Modern Business Theory and Labour Practices
 Click here

Antidote to a bad day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Ouuuuuuuuuuch!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

A classic piece of design work
 Click here

Beer Ping Pong
 Click here

Men pics...not many clothes on..that sort of thing....
 Click here

Not a good position to be in....
 Click here

Is China ready for 2008 Olympics??
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

4 idiots
 Click here

Best Illusion
 Click here

Babies and Fathers
 Click here

Spanish For Your Nanny
 Click here

If you don't know me.....
 Click here

Harley outsourcing
 Click here

Clintons "We Have A Dream"
 Click here

[ from new contributor and long time reader ... Green Man ]
Lost Cat Posted By Japanese Students at La Trobe Uni.
 Click here

Political statement
 Click here

I Love tennis
 Click here

Face Plant
 Click here

Penguin
 Click here

What the hell...
 Click here

Dress for the moment...
 Click here

Pig Dog
 Click here Click here

Airlie Beach Wisper Bay 12/2/08
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Dubai MADNESS !!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Mackay Floods Friday 150208
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Airbus
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Moulin Huge!
 Click here

Johnny Howard
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Nice to have something again from good old Gropwo

                                    Japanese Whaling

The link is a sarcastic report on Japanese whaling. It would be
"tongue-in-cheek" if you could get the whale meat out of their mouth first.

 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's a couple from London Muse in Canada

                                          Cuckoo

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told my
husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and
around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and
cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up,
I cuckooed another nine times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos-MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got
in,
I told him, "MIDNIGHT."

He didn't seem p*ssed off in the least. Whew, I got away With that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked Him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three
times, then said, 'oh, sh*t.' Cuckooed four more times, cleared its
throat,
cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted".


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                            Survey (one for the boys...)

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about
"Oral Sex":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.

b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.

c.. 93% appreciated the silence.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally, from Stonefish

                    Collingwood FC Membership Application Form


Collingwood FC - Magpies .

MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION FORM NAME…………………………………………………………………….
( 2 mistakes allowed )

NAME…………………………………………………………………….
( 2nd chance )

ADDRESS………………………………………………………………………………………...
(this means what is the name of the street your house is in and what is
your house number. If unsure of either – check the phone book for details
but look under your own name or you will get it wrong.)

If address unknown – put a tick here:…………..

DATE OF BIRTH………………………………..
(What day does everybody sing happy birthday to you?)

AGE……………..
(How many years have they been singing it to you?)

MOTHER’S NAME……………………….…………………....(Mum will NOT do. What is her REAL name?)

FATHER’S NAME ( if known )…………………………………………………………...( NO SWEARING )

DO YOU HAVE A CAR ? YES / NO         IS IT YOURS? YES / NO

REGISTRATION NUMBER…………………………….(found on the piece of tin hanging from the
bumper bar)

DO YOU HAVE A DRIVERS LICENCE? YES / NO       IS IT YOURS? YES / NO
ARE
YOU WEARING MAGGIES CLOTHING ON LICENCE PHOTO? YES / NO

COULD YOU DRIVE PLAYERS, MATCH COMMITTEE OR OTHER SUPPORTERS TO: a) HOME
GAMES YES / NO     b) AWAY GAMES (to keep costs down) YES / NO

DO YOU HAVE A WASHING MACHINE? YES / NO            WOULD YOU BE PREPARED TO
HELP WASH OUR TEAM FOOTY GEAR? YES / NO (tick which……..
socks….shorts….guernseys….jockstraps….hankies….bandages …. )

DO YOU OWN A BEACH SHACK? YES / NO        COULD WE USE IT FOR THE PLAYERS
“END OF SEASON TRIP?” YES / NO

DO YOU HAVE ANY CHILDREN? YES / NO       ARE THEY YOURS? YES / NO
WOULD ANY OF THEM BE INTERESTED IN PLAYING FOR THE MAGGIES? YES / NO     a)
BOYS YES / NO     b) GIRLS YES / NO      HOW OLD ARE THEY? 1 – 10, 11 – 20,
21 – 30, 31 – 40, or don’t know?

DO YOU HAVE ANY LARGE FOOTBALL TROPHIES (no name tags ) THAT YOU WOULD BE
WILLING TO DONATE TO THE CLUB FOR OUR TROPHY CABINET? YES / NO

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN ATTENDING OUR END OF SEASON DINNER? YES / NO
COULD YOU BRING ANYTHING ALONG ON THE NIGHT?
(e. g. fairy bread, party pies, cordial, plastic cups, jelly ) YES / NO

ARE YOU RELIGIOUS? YES / NO       WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO LEAD OUR
SUPPORTERS IN PRAYER: a) BEFORE HOME GAMES? YES / NO     b) BEFORE AWAY
GAMES? YES / NO      c) BEFORE WE PLAY THE EAGLES? YES / NO      d) START
TO
FINISH OF A EAGLES GAME? YES /NO

PART TWO – I. Q TEST

1) PICK THE TV SHOW (circle the right name from the clues given )

BLANKETY______________ Cheque / Blanket / Blanks / Donation / don’t know

I DREAM OF_____________ a premiership / Chris Judd / Jeannie / having money
/ don’t know

STAR TREK, THE NEXT____ Footy Show / AFL team / AFL Draft / Generation /
don’t know

GET_____________________ John Worsfold / Lost / rid of Malthouse / Smart /
don’t know HEY HEY IT’S ___________ a June Premiership / smoko / Sat*rday
/ another defeat / don’t know

WHO WANTS TO BE _____ a Millionaire / a Collingwood member / stupid / Leon
Davis / don’t know

2) PICK THE ODD ONE OUT ( circle the odd one from the lists below )

FEBRUARY 30th / MAY 38th / JUNE 40th / OCTOBER 33rd / APRIL 1st / don’t
know
SPOON / SOON / MOON / BOON / CHEESE / GOON / SWOON / don’t know A, B, C, D,
4, E, F, G, H, I, don’t know WOEWODIN / ROCCA / CLEMENT / BUCKLEY / HOLLAND
/ (one wasn’t poached from another club) MCG / SCG / AAMI STADIUM / SUBIACO
/ GABBA / WEMBLEY / don’t know

3) WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE FOLLOWING SENTENCE? “I THINKS THE MAGPIES IS THE
BESTEST TEAM IN OSTRAYLIA”

IS IT: a) BAD SPELING   b) BAD GRAMMA   c) BAD GRANDMA   d) DON’T KNOW

To find out if your membership application has been successful, please put
a stamp on both sides of an envelope and leave one side blank. We will
advise you by return mail.

BONUS: Please list in order your preferred complimentary Collingwood
Membership Surgery that comes with every successful membership application.
We will try to allocate you a bed in an appropriate hospital, as one
becomes available.

a) MOUTH ENLARGEMENT. b) ONE EYE REMOVED.( left or right ) c) BRAIN REMOVED

GOOD LUCK!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                       A bit politically incorrect ...

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the
first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.
Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps,
free medical care, and free education."

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a New Zealander."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having
such beautiful country here in Australia!"

The person says, "I not Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes
his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not
Australian!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an Australian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa!"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says...."Probably at work."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


  "I find capitalism repugnant. It is filthy, it is gross, it is alienating
   ... because it causes war, hypocrisy and competition."


                                                     Fidel Castro


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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