Friday humour - February 15, 2008

[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


For the first time in seven years, when my first ever editorial read ...

Yo!  TGIF - and a few quickies on which to end the week ...

And without Tony's expertise may I apologise in advance for any unexpected
word-wrapping.  My initial suggestion is for you all to alter your screen
font to 6 pointsize and then read through a telescope.

I'm sure Pauline Hanson would have wrapped this lot up much better - given
all her experience with chish and fips.

No graphics this week either ... but Rome wasn't worth two birds in the

... I simply forgot to publish FH.  (A senior moment or sorts I suppose.)

Why???  Vanity I suppose.  I’d produced it alright, but thought I'd
finished it too soon so would send it to "publish" later to make it appear
I was under pressure.  After a pleasant function on the croquet lawns (and
a few glasses of vino) I totally forgot about it when I got home ... even
though I still managed to send out a few other emails.  Many thanks to
Digi Steve who stepped into the breech!  The lesson in this is ...  Never
put off till tomorrow what you can do today.  (... or have done today). 
Seize the Day!

What I'd thrown together is now useless, but at least the editorial I wrote
is still relevant ...

In the last few weeks of the Oz federal election campaign the Liberals
started replacing the safe medium blue background with the slogan "Go for
Growth", that the Lying Rodent used to stand in front of each day as he
seemingly threw heaps more money at targeted voters, with a shocking red
one saying "Don't Risk Labor".  In the last days the Man of Steel kept
warning that a Labor victory would indeed bring change.

We voted for it.  Now let's have some change!

"Little Honest John" always took the credit for anything that went right
(the mining boom) but never accepted responsibility for anything that went
wrong, consistently blaming others.  He blamed the states for the poor
health system, even though the states percentage of contribution to health
had increased during his reign and the federal contribution had withered.

It's now come to light that federal money on health saw massive increases
to private health and harsh cutbacks to public health.

This is all part of the old world Liberal philosophy that the private
sector can always achieve better results than the public sector.

If the Libs had been elected they would have sold Medibank Private.
Why???!!!  Medibank is a superbly run government enterprise which has
become the most popular and trusted of the private funds.  The reason
Private does so well is that it's not there to make a profit - like the
other big funds.  Why would anyone in their right mind sell it?

Medibank Private keeps the other funds honest, well as honest as possible.
Thankfully Labor won't sell this wonderful government organisation.

But what PM Rudd must do is address the 30% rebate that the federal
government pays to all those fortunate enough to be able to afford private
health cover.  This is simply a propping up of inefficient and greedy
profit making private companies.  When introduced the rebate was supposed
to stop the increase in premiums.  It simply hasn't worked, and rates have
never increased so much ... far above the inflation rate.

Effectively the private health fund rebate means that the poorer taxpayers
actually subsidise the health cover of those better off.  It's just more
middle class welfare ... something that our former "mean and tricky" PM

It's the same with private schools.  Howard revelled in ploughing more
money into posh private schools, rather than allocating funds on the basis
of needs.

Somehow the popular Mr Rudd is going to have to turn these things around.

One thing shouldn't be too difficult.  Mr Rudd should re-establish a
government people's bank.  Keating sold the Commonwealth Bank and bank
fees and charges have soared ever since.  Just imagine how the current
situation would have been so different had the people's bank still been in
government hands.

Just imagine how easier it would be for the government to establish
broadband infrastructure if Howard hadn't privatised Telstra.

The Singapore government owns Singapore Airlines and Optus.  The profits go
to all Singaporeans!  Just imagine what could have been had our government
still owned Telstra and Qantas.

In our greedy capitalistic western world we continually see Labor and
Liberal centralising way right of centre.  It is time for a change.

The Victorian Labor government should be ashamed of its record with
teachers.  When elected it did reverse the Kennett cutbacks to police
nurses and teachers.  But in recent years it has seen so many teachers
leave the profession as it won't pay them as much as they would earn in
other states and for so many job security has gone (out the back door ...
as Kevin Rudd would say).

Surely, in a fair and decent society *every* child should receive a good
basic education.  What fairer way for all kids to be able to step out into
a dog-eat-dog world?

It's time for our current Labor leaders to reverse some worrying trends!

This week marks my anniversary of leaving the paid workforce after a stint
of 39 years.  It's gone quickly.  My advice to those "on the brink" is to
embrace it.  All the problems of the world are never going to be solved by
attaining more financial wealth.  Health and happiness are far more
important.  Just stay active and involved, enjoy the simple things in
and maintain a balanced sense of humour. That's my motto.

Of course it's been easier for me in that I was forced to pay
superannuation for all of those 39 years.  In 1972 Goff Whitlam talked of
national superannuation and universal health insurance.  He managed to
deliver the latter.

Keating brought in the 3% productivity superannuation levy instead of a pay
rise.  It worked, and gradually was increased to 9%.  Howard should have
kept increasing this to the goal of 15% but of course he didn't.  We've
had almost 12 wasted years.

Surely Mr Rudd should redirect some of his promised $31 billion tax cuts to
superannuation savings for all.  This would be good to take the pressure
off inflation (and interest rates that have continually rose under Howard)
and would be so beneficial to Australia's future.

My favourite this week came from the prolific Burnout.  There's no
accounting for taste ... and let's not even worry about if this is legit
I reckon it's smutty but funny!

Man of Rare Ability
 Click here


First up from Slatts

                                        Brave jokes

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it !

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

How do you p*ss off a female archaeologist??
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from. CLASSIC

How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your d*ck.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s*x drive by
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men... until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are s*xy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


Our own Deano sent in this one

                                        Dear Dear

Dear Wife:
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've
been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home
and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite
meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two
and went straight to sleep after watching all your soaps. You don't tell me
you love me anymore; you don't want s*x or anthing that connects us as
husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your Ex-Husband
PS. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to Melbourne
together! Have a Great Life!

Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. Its true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out
your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice
when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind
was "You look like a girl !" Since my mother raised me to not to say
anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you
cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my SISTER,
because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those silk boxers: I
turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I
prayed that it was coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50.00 from
me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us
two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have a the fulfilling life you
always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote will ensure you
won't get a cent from me. So take care,

Signed Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell and Free !
PS. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
I hope that's not a problem.


A quickie from Allnutts

                                      Gone Fishing

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation
took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every
room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build
her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said
a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to
do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off
my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: 'Fishing or Sex?' and
she said: 'Wear sun-block.'


Here's some stuff from Nestles Central and Croydon Caz

                                       Golf Injury

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball
hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put
her hands inside.  She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."


                                     Church Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.  Then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage
with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying. . that phrase . . in no

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage
holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few
minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you
want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers
have been answered!"



            Click here

                 Wait for the lady to appear, (she takes a while) then ...

                 2. WRITE YOUR FIRST NAME IN THE 1st LINE.

                 3. WRITE YOUR FAMILY NAME in the 2nd LINE

                 No need to write your e.mail address.

                 4. Press the VISUALIZAR bar.


                                              [  It worked for me!   - Ed ]


These came from Geoff who advises "These come from a Canadian friend so if
you think they're not funny on an Oz site I'll not be offended. The first
joke is typical of Canadians telling jokes, such as we might call "Irish"
jokes, on their own, almost always people from the Province of
The last is also typically Canadian - baiting our mutual cousins in the

                                       NEWFIE 911

Two Newfies are walking home from the local pub when one of them drops to
the sidewalk holding his chest. His buddy quickly grabs the cell phone and
dials 9-1-1.

The Operator immediately asks: 'What is the emergency and where are you?'

The Newfie replies: 'I don't know what happened. We were walking home on
Eucalyptus street and my friend grabbed his chest and fell down!'

The operator asked: 'How do you spell the name of the street?'

The phone seemed to go dead. The operator, now really concerned, kept
shouting because she could hear him panting!

Finally he came back on the line and said: 'I dragged him over to Oak
street, that's O-A-K.'


A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind'a makes ya proud to be Canadian! ... eh ?



1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers butt
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts butt
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans
back... past their 'White House'. Then we burned it... and most of
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or
withdrew during any war to anyone. anywhere. EVER.
14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and it lasted a little over a half
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American
mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just
in time to get caught.
16. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and
is still around as the worlds oldest company.
17. We don't marry our kin-folk.
18. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin,
the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
19. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell
about it.
20. A Canadian invented Superman .
21. We have coloured money.
22. Our beer advertisments kick butt
23. Coffee Crisp
24. We don't bomb our allies
25. Our elections only take one day
26. We invented zambonis
27. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with
mitts on.


More from Geoff (a nice one, and a quickie ...)

                      An Australian Definition of a Canadian

Once in a while someone does a nice job of describing a Canadian, this time
it was an Australian dentist. An Australian Definition of a Canadian In
case anyone asks you who a Canadian is . . . You probably missed it in the
local news, but there was a report that someone in Pakistan had advertised
in a newspaper an offer of a reward to anyone who killed a Canadian - any

An Australian dentist wrote the following editorial to help define what a
Canadian is, so they would know one when they found one. A Canadian can be
English, or French, or Italian, Irish, German, Spanish, Polish, Russian or
Greek. A Canadian can be Mexican, African, Indian, Chinese, Japanese,
Korean, Australian, Iranian, Asian, Arab, Pakistani or Afghan. A Canadian
may also be a Cree, Métis, Mohawk, Blackfoot, Sioux, or one of the many
other tribes known as native Canadians. A Canadian's religious beliefs
range from Christian, Jewish, Buddhist, Muslim, Hindu or none. In fact,
there are more Muslims in Canada than in Afghanistan. The key difference
is that in
Canada they are free to worship as each of them chooses. Whether they have
a religion or no religion, each Canadian ultimately answers only to God,
not to the government, or to armed thugs claiming to speak for the
government and for God. A Canadian lives in one of the most prosperous
lands in the history of the world. The root of that prosperity can be
found in the
Charter of Rights and Freedoms which recognize the right of each person to
the pursuit of happiness. A Canadian is generous and Canadians have helped
out just about every other nation in the world in their time of need, never
asking a thing in return. Canadians welcome the best of everything, the
best products, the best books, the best music, the best food, the best
services and the best minds. But they also welcome the least - the
oppressed, the outcast and the rejected. These are the people who built
Canada. You can try to kill a Canadian if you must as other blood-thirsty
tyrants in the world have tried but in doing so you could just be killing
a relative or a neighbour. This is because Canadians are not a particular
people from a particular place. They are the embodiment of the human
spirit of freedom.
Everyone who holds to that spirit, everywhere, can be a Canadian.

'Keep your stick on the ice'


                                        Old Timers

Three mischievous old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing
home when an old Grandpa walked by, and one of the old Grandma's yelled
out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under
shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he
dropped his drawers. The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple
of times and to jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in
the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies
happily yelled in unison ...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"


This stuff is from Moose

                                         In the bar

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work c*cktail with her
girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely s*xy,
middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take
her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked
directly toward her. (As men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you
want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00... on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed
a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along
with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and
meaningfully said..........

"Clean my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!) Money well spent!!!!


                                  WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

                                   MAN'S POEM

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge b**bs who owns a liquor store
and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.


Here's one from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

             I have a mastiff with a problem - I fear for my life

I have a male Cane Corso/English Mastiff who we will call "Petey" (this
could damage his reputation). He will be 2 in March and, at 140 lbs, is
still growing. He's the best dog in the world - friendly, energetic (yet
will take naps with me, his sleep-deprived mom), and he loves his brother,
Chihuahua. He's never chewed on anything that I own (which is good, because
I think he could fit my entire dresser in his mouth. Including the lamp.)
But, we do have a serious problem.

Petey is... flatulent. To an extreme degree. Now, I know a lot of you out
there are saying, "Hey, my dog (husband/boyfriend) farts all the time, so
what's the problem?" I don't know how to explain it, but the best way to
describe Petey's gaseous expulsions is with this word: "heavy". Like a
dense fog settling on the mountains, Petey's farts will settle in the
lower 3' of the room--about the altitude I inhabit while asleep. Thus, I
fear that he may kill me (accidentally, I hope) in my sleep. Let me
explain how the routine (when you go through this about 100 times a day,
you make a routine) works:

I'm in bed, innocently typing on the computer when I hear it:
"FFFWWWWWPPPPPP".  I look over at Petey, who was asleep next to my bed, and
he is now fixated on his butt, with a look of confusion and wonder  ("What
was that!? Where did it go?"). Petey looks up at me (no doubt wondering if
I saw the little creature that he thinks ran out of his butt while he
wasn't looking), and, after taking in my terrified gaze, thinks that he
has done something HORRIFYING and he must move away from me before I yell
at him.

Petey jumps to his feet as I throw my comforter over my head to prevent my
eyes from watering due to the noxious gas. In his attempt to slink out of
the room unnoticed, he has shaken his intestines, which, in response,
proceed to expel gas with his every step. In his mind, lots of little
butt-dwelling critters are escaping, foiling his stealthy exit. I have yet
to break it to him that he isn't stealthy at all, with or without the
butt-dwelling critters. Hearing him exit the room, I crack the window
behind my bed and shove my head out. 3 minutes later, I am in the clear. I
shut the window and continue on with my work - shaken, but alive.

(At times I will get up to find him in another room, intently staring at
his butt in hopes of catching one of those pesky critters.)

I live in fear. These are SO BAD that I actually wake up in the middle of
the night. Please, does anyone have any sort of home remedy? I've changed
his food, stopped giving him rawhide, tried to eliminate tasty treats that
I know cause gas in humans (cheese, anyone?)--everything I can think of,
but my life is still on the line! I am a student, so money is tight,
please keep this in mind! Thanks!


From Seasoldier

                                  Test for Dementia

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them
instantly. You can't take your time, answer all  of them immediately. OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?


Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't
take as much time as you took for the first one, OK?

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you over take the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your
head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another
1000. Now add 20. Now add another1000 Now add 10. What is the total?


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely
not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... ....

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What
is the name of the fifth daughter?


Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the
question again!

Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy
a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he
successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of
how does HE indicate what he wants?


He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like



More from SS

                                 SOME IRISH STORIES

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly and the Morgue
needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean
(also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled
back the sheet. Seamus said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't
The mortician thought that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked
Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's
burnt real bad, roll him over" The mortician rolled him over and Sean
looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can
you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two ar*eholes." "What, he had two
ar*eholes?!!" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two
Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them
two Arseholes...."

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four". "Quattro is just the name of the
automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers,
this car is designed to carry five persons." "You cannot pull that one on
me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car
and you are therefore breaking the law." The Englishmen replies angrily,
"You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more
intelligence!" "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a
Fiat Uno."

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big
brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. Why, that's my Speaking Clock"
the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving
the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice
from the other side of the wall screamed, "For F*ck sake, you w@nker, it's
twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!"

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of
the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You are
also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again
the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king
b*stard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court
room, and said, "Paddy,
I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not
have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with
contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood
up and responded, "For fifteen years I've lived next door to that b*stard
and every time I asked to borrow a fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he
looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens
about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep
looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in
there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,
draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her
supervisor to file a s*xual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor
what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a s*xual harassment
suit against him. The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks,
"What's s*xually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair
smells nice"?
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a
£20 note flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman
stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag..." "Damn!"
says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can find some
of them. Thanks for the warning!" "Well, now, not so fast," says the
"How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?" "Oh, no", says the
little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the car park of the
football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in
the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand behind the
bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie
through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' "Hey, not
a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."


Here's one from Stonefish

                               The best ass in town ...

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased
with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

This was too much for the bishop so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the
donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:

The bishop fainted.  He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of
the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

As a last resort the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead
it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:

The bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is... being concerned about public opinion can bring
you much grief and misery ... and even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.....

Only worry about your own ASS, not someone else's.....

You'll be a lot happier and live longer.


This is from Whizzbang

                                   *Breaking news*

Floods waters have created mayhem in the rural town of Rockhampton. Locals,
who usually reside on the town's riverbank, have been seen wandering around
aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'. The 'Second Chance Ministry' food van
has had to relocate to continue to feed the locals. The flooding of the
Fitzroy River has devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage. At Depot Hill, areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken by the rush of water well before their Centrelink
cheques arrived. The Rockhampton Bulletin reported mayhem on the streets
as hundreds of residents were left confused and bewildered and still
trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
happened in Rockhampton.

One resident - Tracy-Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old
mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came
running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two Joachim and River slept
through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on
as normal. The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of bourbon and coke and cans of paint to the area to help the
stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the debris and
have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care
jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing
parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette
shirts, Wranglers, singlets (blue & white), Ugg boots, sparkly backpacks
and any other items usually sold in The Warehouse or The Reject Shop. Food
parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required
foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice
Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s and a
lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. Please don't forward this to
anyone living in Rockhampton - oh, stuff it, they won't be able to read it,


Here's one from Stevo

                                     Quirky Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her. - Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What
does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. -

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.' - Henny Youngman

'I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.' - Sam Kinison

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage.' - James Holt McGavran

'I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't.' - Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once. - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have
mine.' - Anonymous


This lot is from Burnout

                                      Let's be Frank

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He
gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him
play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and
which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me.  I change
a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never
made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel
good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate. Shoes highly polished too - he was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f*cking


                                        Porno Baby

A young lady in the maternity ward just, prior to labour, is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

'I'm afraid I don't have a husband' she replies'

'O. K. Do you have a boyfriend?' asks the Midwife

'No, no boyfriend either.'

'Do you have a partner then?'

'No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.'

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman.

'You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see
her that the baby is black.'

'Well,' replies the girl. 'I'm not surprised, I was very down on my luck,
with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno
The lead man was black.'

'Oh, I'm very sorry,' say the midwife, 'that's really none of my business
and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must
also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.'

'Well yes, I'm not surprised at this either' the girl again replies, 'you
see another co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy.'

'Oh, I'm sorry,' the midwife repeats, 'that's really none of my business
I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes.'

'Yes, I imagine it has,' continues the girl, 'there was also a Chinese man
also in the movie, I really had no choice.'

At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to
the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the bum. The
baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,

'Thank god for that!'

'What do you mean?' says the midwife, shocked.

'Well,' says the girl extremely relieved, 'I had this horrible feeling that
it was going to bark.'


                                     Six Truths of Life?

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. The first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Sorry about this,....I'm an idiot and I needed company,...


To the audio-visual files now ... and they're from Moose, Whizzbang,
Burnout, the Duke of Barsinov, Allnutts, Muse from Canada, Front Range
Barbie, Mitta, Croydon Caz, Nottingham Smithie, Cartographer Chris,
Stonefish, Big Derek, and The Great Gussius.

Seasons in the sun
 Click here

Best Picture Nominations
 Click here

How to Blow Away a Deer with a Helicopter.......
 Click here

Can you guess what this is?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
THIS IS THE CENTRAL PRISON IN AUSTRIA ( I guess if I ever break the law,  
I'd better do it in Austria!
Homeless people should have it so good!) ... Nice!

McDonald's has reached Africa.........
 Click here

Paper and Scissors...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Old age
 Click here

Condamine River Crossing
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

It's all created with food
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Towing !!!
 Click here

Heart Attack Slide Show - Worth 45 Seconds of Your LIFE
 Click here

To Hell With ESPN
 Click here

How Rumors Start
 Click here

Tour of the World
 Click here

Wasted talent
 Click here

 Click here

Kissing contest!
 Click here

Balloon fashion
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

A Smile for the day
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Amazing Squirrel
 Click here

Muslim Pussy
 Click here

 Click here

How to draw a dog
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

How to peel a boiled egg  ...
I haven't tried this myself (not into hard boiled eggs this week) but if
this works for any of you please let me know!!
 Click here

Great bud commercial...
 Click here

Short but topical vquotes
 Click here

OMG... this is sooo funny
 Click here

 Click here

Electrical panel dangers
It's bad enough those guys have to deal with the weather and wasps, bees,
etc! This was in Oklahoma, somewhere! Those are OG&E trucks.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

See through fashion ...
 Click here

Big Brother really is watching - here's proof.
 Click here

Never, EVER answer a cell phone while it is being RECHARGED!!
 Click here

 Click here

Women In Leather
 Click here


From newbie Old Dave who says ... "I found your Site, several years ago..
It is magnificent and sets up the weekend for an old man. Please accept the
attachment as one of the all time greats - in my opinion."

                          EXPLORING IN THE AMAZON BASIN

Jamie was a young explorer, in some of the wild, untamed areas of the
Basin. He had heard of a tribe of white skinned , Amazon like women, who
were all as beautiful as any man could wish. Over thousands of years, they
had come to understand selective breeding and kept only the most handsome
of men, in their Cities, to procreate and continue to improve the Beauty
of the race. The other men, guarded most carefully, performed all the
Manual work -
such as constructing the growing Cities and Towns; clearing the jungle and
raising the food for this superior race. The men did not complain - it had
been this way for aeons.

As Jamie was negotiating a very narrow track, down the side of a cliff
wide enough for one person only, he spied , coming towards him, about a
hundred metres away, the most gorgeous women he had ever seen, completely
nude, except for a sword attached to a jaguar skin belt at her waist.

Jamie, ever conscious of the need to record all, wrote of this encounter in
his journal.. " She was stunningly glorious, and I knew we had no room to
pass. I was in a quandary. Should I try to block her passage or toss
myself off?"


This is from Cartographer Chris

                                   Walmart Condoms

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she
could have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was
up for a cheap thrill.

When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the
register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type of s*xual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick
squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...

'Cleanup, Register 5'


And from Diks

                                       Dear Abby,

I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have
suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The
usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.

My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I
ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't
know them.'

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually
fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I
think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to check on her finally.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with 'the girls.' When she got out of the car she was buttoning
up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse
and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a
hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.

Is this something I can or should try to fix myself, or should I take it
back to the pro-shop where I bought it and try to get a refund?


This is from Front Range Barbie

                                    Walmart greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to
work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. But he
was a good worker, reallytidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real
credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person
Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally,
he called him into the office for a talk."Charley, I have to tell you, I
like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but your being late so often
is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd
though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"


Here's a couple from Muse

                                         Sold out!

Two Englishmen - businessmen in London - were sitting down for a break in
their soon to be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a
few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some
thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what
we're selling.'

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
Scots man walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Scottish accent
'What are you selling here?'

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ar*e-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Scotsman said,

'You are doing well ... Only two left!'


                                      Airman Jones

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a
100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather
than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed,
the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.

If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the
government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into
battle first?"


Finally some stuff from Zalaga in Nottingham


"So, how is everything going?" enquired God, when visiting Eve in the
Garden of Eden.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have
just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one
pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real
pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in
pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc....... she felt that having only
two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put

"That is a fair point," replied God, " But it was my first shot at this,
you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I thought that you needed
only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it right
away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, " But for one oversight on your part. You
see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her
bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could
I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a
man from a part of you. Now let's see............ where did I put that
useless tit?

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?



Following the total inability of the Yanks to run a bank, the Japanese
banks have been having problems of their own. In the last 7 days:

Origami bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai bank has
announced plans to cut some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale
and is expexted to go for a song. Shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended
after they nose-dived and 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where
it is feared that shareholders will get a raw deal.


                                      Tree Hugging

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco, a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in
sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and
said, "This just ain't your lucky day, cupcake..."



It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.

"What are my choices?" the man asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a
passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."


The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby

The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.


A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
" Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead
and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked
to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being
here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ar*ed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
s*xual exhaustion?"  The entire class was reduced to laughter and

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."


Quote of the Week:

  "For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their
   descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry."

                                    Kevin Rudd, Prime Minister of Australia

Editor's Comment:

It was wonderful two days ago watching the live national telecast which
continually crossed to groups of Aussie battlers, black and white, who had
gathered to watch the Parliament House speech from all corners of
There were so many tears of joy ... and sadness.  A very moving event ...
and so very much overdue.

After 11 years in the wilderness, I once again was proud to call myself


[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (February 08, 2008)  Index Next (February 22, 2008)