Friday humour - February 08, 2008


Gidday from Deano,

What a fickle place we live in.  Here in Oz we have been in a drought for
many years now and just to show us who is boss Mother Nature throws a
doozy at us.  This week, 2 international cricket matches in Brisbane were
abandoned due to heavy rain
 Click here  

This is just a few weeks after central Queensland was hit by rain which 
flooded several towns
 Click here
It is a pity that all these floodwaters could not be captured and stored to
help alleviate the drought stricken areas.

My favourite this week was sent in by one of our prolific contributors,
Front Range Barbie
Swear Jar
 Click here


The jokes and stories have been sent in this week by Anonymous,
Whizzbang, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Zalaga, Allnutts, Front Range Barbie,
Digi Steve, Nottingham Smithie, Moose, anatinus, Digi Maria, and Elle:


The Snake and the Bunny
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny
and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny
was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the
bunny,
"I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since
birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan,
I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too
have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what,
maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at least
you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail.
I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The
bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth
and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.
I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in
senior management."


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10 year old blues
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears.  'Promise me
you won't tell me.'
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny'
speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was
eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to
tell me that grown-ups don't really root, I'll have nothing left to live
for.'
 Click here


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I'm considering medical training!
A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached
his assistant.
"Paddy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says
Paddy "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."


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'fessing up.
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival
weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises
the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the
woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.
    Night falls.
First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl
into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes,
followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark
silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly
between the eyes.
    "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.
Next up - the Paras. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with
camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods,
screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with
the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and
blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred
remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim;
well done", says the trainer.
Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling
Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by
the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango
Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer,
"Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours
ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. The next morning,
the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the
handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.
"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright,
alright, I confess - I'm a rabbit!"


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An Aussie Summer
Quite touching and thought provoking!!
I found this beautiful Aussie Summer poem and thought it might be a comfort
to you.
It was to me and it's very well written; I hope you enjoy it because it's
the best piece of English literature I've seen in quite a while....

'An Aussie Summer' a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Fuck, It's HOT !


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Hillary's  Great-Great Uncle
Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that
Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse
stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief,
sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the
Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and
hanged in 1889.'
Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments.
Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following
biographical sketch:
"Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted
several years of his life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887,
he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important
civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was
standing collapsed.'

And THAT is how it's done folks!-------------------GET READY for 2008!!!!


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THE WHY'S OF MEN
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME  SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they  are plugged into a
genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN  BLINK DURING SEX?  (they don't  have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1  MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (they  don't
stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE  WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (because  their balls
fall over their butt-hole and they vapor  lock)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN  LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (so they  won't hump
women's legs at c*cktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN  BEFORE WOMEN? (you need  a rough draft before you
make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES  IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (don't  know.
it never  happened)
And  the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN  ON EARTH? (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What
setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied.  'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of   Oklahoma .'
And they say  blondes are dumb...


A  couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


It's just too hot to wear clothes  today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, 'honey, what do you  think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she  replied


Q:  What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A  rumor


Dear  Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him;  And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat
him to death.
AMEN


Q:  Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


Q:  What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


Q:  How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'


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Cowboy Chili
A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Prescott, Az. He sits at the
counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at
a full bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead."
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chilli into the
bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too


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Cardinal McCarrick of Washington, DC was dying in the hospital. For years,
he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned
for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"My dying wish is to see former President Bill Clinton and Senator
Hillary Clinton before I see God..."
"I'll see what I can do, Father.." said the nurse.
The attending physician sent the request to the Clintons and they both
decided it would be a great photo-op for HRC's presidential campaign.
When they arrived at the Cardinal's room, the press crowded around.
Cardinal McCarrick took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in
his left. There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's
face.
Finally Hillary, smiling and looking at all the press, spoke. "Cardinal,
of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with
you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life
after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He died between two lying thieves
and I would like to do the same."


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Women
When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.  So, one evening he
went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had
ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million
dollars."
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later,
she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men.


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Happy Period, are you kidding me?
It is an actual letter sent to Proctor and Gamble from Wendi Aarons,
Austin TX, regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after
the first paragraph . . .
Dear Mr. Thatcher,  have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for
over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go
horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite
feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only
company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month
knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a period,
Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from 'the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few
minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills'.
Isn't the human body amazing? As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene
Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo '.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we
endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control
behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact,
only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her
he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps? Crazy! The point
is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with
homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my 
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad,
and there, printed on the adhesive backing,
were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f**king kidding me?
Does any part of your tiny middle- manager brain really think happiness -
actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did
anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it,
James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be
anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march
down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to
end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head
out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is
Wrong', or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your
Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop
in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not
for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a
promise I will keep.


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Irish Humor
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp' W hat happened to you?'
asks Sean, the bartender.' Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says
Paddy. 'T hat little sh*t, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand.'' That he did,' says Paddy,
'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?' That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast,
and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.'

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road. A cop pulls him over.'
So,' says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?''
Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.'
Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your
car?''
Oh, thank Heavens,' sighs the drunk. ' For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door.
'Brenda, may I come in?' he asks. 'I've somethin' to tell ya'.
'Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my
husband?'
'That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda.' There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery...'
'Oh, God no!' cries Brenda. 'Please don't tell me.'
'I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.'
Finally, she looked up at Tim. 'How did it happen, Tim?'
'It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned.'
'Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?''
Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.'

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night.'
The Priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any
last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The Priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary? '
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church , enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds
three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either!'


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I Am NOT Happy
I rear-ended a car this morning. So there we are alongside the road and
slowly the driver gets out of the car and you know how you
just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny? Yeah, well, I
could NOT believe it . . he was a DWARF!
He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!
"So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?" . . .
and that's when the fight started .


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An Australian, an Irishman and an Scotsman were sitting in a bar. There was
only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking over at
this other man, for he seemed somewhat familiar.
They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when
suddenly the Irishman cried out, "My God, I know who that man is! It's
Jesus!"
The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting
alone at a table.
The Irishman call out, "Hey, you!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes,
I am Jesus," he replies.
The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give
Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table.
Jesus looks over, raises his glass to the men, smiles a thank you and
drinks up.
The Scotsman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me, Sir, but would you be
Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and replies, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Scotsman then beckons to the bartender and tells him to send over a
double Whiskey for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before,
Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or
what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mightily impressed and has the bartender send over a pot
of ice cold Fosters for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure. Some time
later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus rises from his seat and
approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and
shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement. "Oh God, the
arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years has
disappeared. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Australian, thanking him for the
Fosters. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock. "Bugger
me", he exclaims," that migraine that's plagued me for over 40 years has
vanished completely. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then turns to the Scotsman whose face shows sheer, unadulterated
reflects terror." "Oi! p*ss off, mate. I'm on Disability!"


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Vicar's Salary.
The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants
him to leave.
Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago,
stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new
Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!"
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, If the
Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a
foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his
children!"
More sighs and loud applause. Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces
with a smile, " If the Vicar stays, I will give him s*x."
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to
say that?"
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, 'Fuck the Vicar'.


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DEER
A man kills a "deer" and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know
what the meat w as on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.
"Well" the father said, "It's what mummy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a f*cking ar*ehole!!"


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Fat Lady
A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit
complete with pager.  As they waited patiently, the little boy said
loudly, 'Gee, she's fat!'
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.
A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "'I'll bet her butt is this wide!' The fat
woman turns around and glares at the little boy.  The mother gave him a
good telling off, and told him to be quiet.  After a brief lull,
the large woman reached the front of the line.  Just then, her pager began
to emit a beep, beep, beep.
The little boy yells, "Run for your life, she's backing  up!"


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The 7 Kinds of Sex.
The 1st kind of s*x is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of s*x happens when you
first meet someone and you both have s*x until you and blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of s*x is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have s*x
anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of s*x is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for a long time. Your s*x has gotten routine and you usually
have s*x only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of s*x is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with
your partner for too long.  When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say "Fuck you".
The 5th kind of s*x is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in
the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your
wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And last, but not least, the 7th kind of s*x is called:  Social Security
Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.


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These are some very interesting facts. The year was 1907. Show this to your
children and grandchildren
THE YEAR 1907??
One hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some
statistics for the Year 1907:
The average life expectancy was 47 years
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !
The average wage in 1907 was 22 cents per hour.
The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year .
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per
year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were
condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks
for shampoo.
Five leading causes of death were:
 1. Pneumonia and influenza  2. Tuberculosis .3. Diarrhoea  4. Heart
disease  5. Stroke
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea Hadn't been invented yet.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the
local chemist.
Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy
to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact,
a perfect guardian of health."
Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent
it to you and others all over possibly the entire world, in a matter of
seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Condoms at K-mart
A man was in a long line at K-mart. As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she
could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us,
was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the
checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could
have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his pants. He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type of s*xual contact with a live
female, so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick
squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...
 'Cleanup, Register 5'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Viva Italia !!!!!!
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Luca was relaxing  at his
favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract the attention of a
spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he
led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to
his bedroom where they made passionate and furious love
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, 'So, you finish?'
She paused for a second, frowned and replied 'No'.
Surprised, Luca reached for her and the love making resumed. This time she
thrashed around wildly and there were screams of passion. The s*x finally
ended and Luca smiled and asked 'You finish?'
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him
and softly said 'No.'
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Luca reached for her yet again. Using the last of his strength he barely
managed it but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping
the bed sheets. Exhausted, Luca falls onto his back gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and
asks again,' You finish ?'
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear,
'No. I  Norwegian.'


____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now to the pictures and movie type things sent in by a first time
contributor..Felix, Cartographer Chris, Muse, Croydon Caz, Allnutts,
Digi Maria, Seasoldier, Digi Steve, Diks, Whizzbang, Duke of Barsinov,
Front Range Barbie, KRP from Coffs Harbour, Moose, Nottingham Smithie,
Stonefish and Anonymous:


2008 HOOTERS CALENDAR
 Click here

blonde pole dancer
 Click here

Scottish Bar Stool for when wearing the kilt
 Click here

Toronto's Smallest House is Up for Sale!
If....
a.. You live alone or with one other person (or an extremely small dog!!!)
b.. You don't have much stuff (barely more than a homeless person!!)
c.. You miss that cute little apartment you lived in while teaching
English in Japan, then this is the place for you
 Click here
This house, located near the intersection of Dufferin Street and Rogers
Road is believed to be Toronto's smallest house. Occupying what used to be
a driveway, it's a one-bedroom, one-bathroom house that sits on a parcel
of land 7.25 feet (2.2 metres) wide and 113.67 feet (34.6 metres) long and
has an interior area of just under 300 square feet (under 28 square
metres). The asking price is $179,900.!!!!
Here's another look at the front:
 Click here
Here's the living room, looking towards the front of the house:
 Click here
Here's the living room again, looking towards the back of the house.
 Click here
Here's the kitchen looking towards the back of the house.
 Click here
Note that despite the small space, they've managed to fit a washer and
dryer into the place:
Here's the bedroom, looking towards the back of the house.
It comes with a Murphy bed, which is a necessity in such a space.
This is what it looks like with the Murphy bed down:
 Click here
...and here's the bedroom (looking towards the front of the house) with the
Murphy bed retracted:
 Click here
You also get some patio space out back. Here it is, looking towards the
front of the house.
 Click here
...and here it is looking towards the back:
 Click here
Here are the house's listed features:
a.. 'Completely Re-Done Top-To-Bottom, Front-To-Back!'
b.. Tumbled stone entrance walk
c.. Renovated Bath
d.. Renovated kitchen with newer stove, new cabinets and new stacked
washer/dryer
e.. Bedroom with Murphy bed + 'Built-Ins' - doubles as den!
f.. Walk-out to fenced patio
g.. 100-amp service
h.. 2 satellite dishes and receiver
i.. 'Window A/C Available'


Something I have been waiting for has finally happened! You can expect to
hear from me even more frequently now! I finally got the bathroom
remodelled!
This gives new meaning to 'Going Online'...
 Click here

So you think you had a bad day?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Pint size hustler
 Click here

What A Sight
 Click here

Remote Fishing
 Click here

Mrs Hughes
 Click here

Wicked Witch or ?????
 Click here

Quality care from Private Health
 Click here

Liverpool, European Capital of Culture 2008
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


 Click here

Who said aging had to be graceful?
All I can say is "Ouch!"
 Click here

2 advertisements
 Click here Click here

This pilot has got Titanium Cajones!
Talk about a close encounter.  Pilot flies up to back door of a C-130 for
Photo Op.  He radios, 'How much closer do you want me?'
Close enough?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Contribution
 Click here

5 signs you live in the hood
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

This is just brilliant
 Click here

Arrive Alive Campaign
The National Roads Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly
designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much
as 45% when the belt is properly installed.
Correct installation is illustrated below.......
This is very important, please pass onto friends and family
THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!
 Click here

The Fartman -THIS WILL CRACK YOU UP!!!
 Click here

So good...
 Click here

Auto wash
 Click here

HOW THEY DRIVE A TAXI DRIVER NUTS IN GERMANY
 Click here

Friday afternoon lunch???
Anyone interested in having a unique dining experience. You can have
breakfast, lunch, dinner or c*cktail or invite your boss for a meeting
while enjoying your meal. 50 meters above ground dining event arranged by
a professional event arranger of Benji Fun company. It provides 22 seating
complete with Chef, server, musician and you can select your own location
without limitation. Guarantee safety with the hoisting crane which can
accommodate the whole band of musician, or making an automobile
presentation to your customers. This restaurant is in
Belgium.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

F'n Ouch.....
 Click here

The Seven Wonders Of The World.pps]
 Click here Click here

Cruiser thru flood water
 Click here


I like this guy
Story is in the PDF, then watch the video...
 Click here Click here

This guy is good!
Watch each of the 5 short movie clips......you won't be sorry....this guy
is gooooood!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

My life activity graph
 Click here

Snow dog!
Now here's a dog that likes snow!
 Click here


The latest in mobile telephones
Do you think we could all get one of these?
 Click here


And that's all we have this week folks.



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[ End friday humour ]

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