Friday humour - February 01, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

It was supposed to be Davo's turn this week but for some reason the ever
reliable Davo couldn't do the deed, so I have stepped in to fill the
breach, so to speak.

For those of you that are interested, there is a "tour" of the workings of
Friday Humour now available at
 Click here .

This week's contributions are from Allnutts, Arfermo, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Croydon Caz, Diks, Elle, Geoff, KRP from Coffs
Harbour, Mitta, Moose, Mr Custard, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier,
Shankar Kenkre, Whizzbang, Zalaga and the unidentified throng.


The Trouble with Outsourcing

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call centre in the Middle East.
Told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.


Red Skelton's Recipe for a Perfect Marriage:

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in

3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me,
"In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

... these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a
four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended
his programs with the words, "God Bless"


Couple in mental home

Marge and Edward lived in a mental institution for nearly all their lives.

One day whilst walking past the pool Edward fell in and sank straight to
the bottom, he didn't even try to save himself, quick as a flash Marge
took a huge dive straight to the bottom of the pool grabbed Edward and
saved his life.

With this event the director of the home decided Marge was sane and could
be released back into society. She came in to Marge's room and said
"Marge, I have good news and bad news for you". "Marge due to your heroic
actions it has been decided that you are sane and can make rational
decisions in even the most stressful situations, We all know you love
Edward so for you to act so swiftly and save him from drowning proves
beyond a doubt you are sane and given that you are being released, Marge
you are going home".

Marge was so excited she hadn't been home for over 40 years. "But now the
bad news Marge, straight after you saved him, Edward took his own life, it
seems Edward hanged himself with his bath robe, I am so sorry Marge, Edward
is dead".

Marge said " He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry, Now when can I
go home?"


Elderly Florida hijacker

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of
the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like
mad. The lady! , somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason she
did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in
the front seat...

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story
couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where
four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman
described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair
and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.


If you're going to have a Senior Moment, at least make it memorable!


2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule of Events

7:25 pm ~ NON RELIGIOUS PRAYER AND WORSHIP - Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm ~ CEREMONIAL TREE HUGGING - Darryl Hannah
8:15 pm ~ GAY WEDDING PLANNING - Rosie O'Donnell
Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ~ 'ANSWERING MACHINE ETIQUETTE' - Alec Baldwin
Barbara Streisand
11:30 pm ~ OVAL OFFICE AFFAIRS - William Jefferson Clinton
12:15 am ~ 'TRUTH IN BROADCASTING AWARD' - Presented to Dan Rather by
Michael Moore
12:30 am ~ SATELLITE ADDRESS - Mahmoud Ahmadinejad


Wireless ...

After having dug to a depth of 1 mile last year, Polish scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years

Not to be outdone by the Poles, in the weeks that followed, British
scientists dug to a depth of 2 miles, and shortly after,
headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found
traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors
already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years
earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerryman," newspaper in Southwest Ireland, reported
the following: "After digging as deep as 3 miles in a peat bog near
Tralee, Paddy O'Driscoll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago
Ireland had already gone wireless."


Sunday clothes.

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the
other direction.

'Hello,' said the little boy

'Hi,' replied the little girl.

'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.

'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' answered the
little girl.

'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the
little boy.

'I go to the Lutheran church back down the road,' replied the little girl
'What about you? '

'I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,' replied the
little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that
they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially
flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the
other side without getting wet.

'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said
the little girl.

'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the
little boy.

'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull
off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'

'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same
thing with my suit.'

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting
their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry
before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked

'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is
between a Lutheran and a Catholic!!!


Definitions of Heaven and Hell.

Heaven; the police are British, the chefs are French, the mechanics are
German, your lover is Italian and it's all organized by the

Hell; the police are German, the chefs are British, the mechanics are
French, your lover is Swiss and it's all organized by the


Telstra rip offs.

Telstra likes their mobile phone service to only give a short ringing
period and this means you never get to find the phone and answer it in
time. For Telstra it means that the caller leaves a message and you phone
back so they get two calls out of one failed call.

To reprogram your mobile phone to ring to its maximum dial time phone
**61*101**30# It might be necessary to do this a couple of times if it
doesn't succeed the first time.

[solution not tested or endorsed by FH - ed]


Guns vs Women

Top 10 Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22...

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you are

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you
try it out a few times...

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup...

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo...

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space...

#4 - A gun functions normally every day of the month...

#3 - A gun doesn't ask, "Do these grips make me look fat?"...

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it...

..AND... the #1 reason a gun is favored over a woman...



January 23, 2008, Adelaide Oval - The Australian selectors have announced
the team for the fourth test match against India to be played in Adelaide.
Selectors are confident that this change will help them win the match and
the series.

The Squad:

Phil Jaques
Matthew Hayden
Steve Bucknor (Umpire)
Ricky Ponting (Captain)
Michael Hussey
Michael Clarke
Adam Gilchrist (Wicketkeeper)
Andrew Symonds
Brett Lee
Brad Hogg
Stuart Clark
Mitchell Johnson


An Australian, Kiwi and South African are in a bar one night having a beer.

All of a sudden the South African drinks his beer, throws his glass in the
air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"In Seth Efrika our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from
the same one twice," he says.
The Kiwi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass
into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
"Wull mate, in Noo Zulland we have so much sand to make the glasses that we
don't need to drink out of the same glass either," he says.
The Australian, cool as a Koala, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws
his glass in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the
South African and the Kiwi.
He turns to the astonished barman and says,"In Strailya mate, we have so
many bloody South Africans and Kiwis we don't need to drink with the same
ones twice."


A little boy wanted $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God of NZ,
they decided to forward it to the Prime Minister of New
Zealand as a joke.
The PM was so amused, that she instructed her secretary to send the little
boy a $20 note.
The PM thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $20 note, and decided to write a
thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that you sent it through the Beehive in Wellington, NZ ...
and that bitch deducted $30.00 in taxes."


Children's science exam answers .

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and
the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A,
E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



A man went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was
unable to get his manhood erect. The doctor checked him out then told him
that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous
viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.
However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was
willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk
into his 'old fella'. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of
having to go through life without s*x was too much for him to bear. So,
with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man
decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try
out his newly renovated equipment. As a result he planned a romantic
evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants
in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring In his loins
that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid
across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
said 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my ar*e!"


Computer Dependancy Test

This is a quick test which proves that we have become too dependent on our


Answer this question: Are you male or female?

To find out the answer, look down...


Look down -- not SCROLL down!


How do you tell if you are a true Aussie?

You know you're Australian if .

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers
stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for
something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case
when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often
and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs"
refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its
highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really,
truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice
as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but
"Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread.
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff
up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any
rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as
the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not
spelt with a "u".


Leather shoes from Italy

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks
every day and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather

He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for
the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,

"Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but
how do you know?"

Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather
shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, " Rosa, do you
wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes.

How do you like them?" Now as the evening is almost over and the last song
is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, "Carmela, be stilla
my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please,
please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight."

Gennaro gasps, "Thanka God ... I thought I had a crack in my $300 Boccelli
leather shoes!"


There were two nuns... One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and
they are still far away from the convent ...

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past
thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to molest us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What
can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go
this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister
Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about
what has happened to Sister Logical. Then
Sister Logical arrives
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he
followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could
and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than
man with his pants down. And for those of you who thought it would be
dirty, I'll pray for you!


        Why Men Are Never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You
can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt
to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell
you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to
stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never
stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about
tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all
your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be
your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more
than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face
stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe
decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes --
one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs
look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of
choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25

No wonder men are happier.


Buyer's Market

A little old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a
woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?'

'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks

'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again;
'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there.'

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them,
he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing
them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or

'Nah', says the little old man... 'Costs too much...'


Lizzy the Lezzy
 Click here

It's nearly spring in England and this was a film I made today...
 Click here

Definitely funny unusual ...
 Click here

Heavenly Virgins
 Click here

YOU FAIL (check these out)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Time to let go ...
 Click here

Don't p*ss Marvin off
 Click here

Ensham Mine Perspective...........
 Click here

It's A Guy's Thing ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
See the temp. gauge on the manifold?

The Cruellest Form of Eye Test
 Click here

Scottish flower (XXX)
 Click here

Super Fly - Filmed in Australia by National Geographic Crew
 Click here

Barbie Dolls that didn't make it!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Chicken Tonight (Xish)
 Click here

Hot Air Balloons
 Click here

Why I Don't Ice Fish...........
 Click here

I know you've been waiting for your 2008 Krispy Kreme Lingerie Calendar..
 Click here

FW: Wedding pics that never made it to the album
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

They say MEN pee, everywhere! See how women do it. (
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Stickman funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Don't mess with employees
 Click here

Don't bug your co-workers
 Click here

Benny Hill - Wishing Well
 Click here

Oh that old Bud light...
 Click here Click here Click here

Just 2 weeks...
 Click here

She's hot...maybe not
 Click here

Stunning pictures
 Click here

New landing lights installed at London Heathrow
 Click here

Pork Chops?
 Click here

Absolutely Stunning! (and cold)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Greenpeace Add
 Click here

A Shark's Love (bizarre)
 Click here

Cats with Tattoos
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Pure Gold
 Click here

Tree in Limpopo (South Africa)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

High end dining
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
Architects and engineers compete to see whose team can build the most
spectacular structure using little more than cans of food at
Canstruction, the 13th annual NYC Design and Build competition in New York

Thousand Islands
 Click here

The origins of bypass surgery
 Click here

Love 2008
 Click here


      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!

[ End friday humour ]

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