Friday humour - January 11, 2008



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


As America wastes millions of dollars while a pile of millionaires fight it
out as to who should lead the Democrat and Republican parties into the
presidential election (next November!), things are pretty quiet in the
Land of Oz.  I'm already missing all the lies and distortions we seemed to
get on a daily basis from the Howard government ... plus of course the
clever cartoons in the daily papers.

I found this site purporting to be the rusty Man of Steel's own web blog.
 Click here
A good effort.  This is what the man who simply went too far has to say ...


WhatEVER, Australia.

Are you all retarded? I was the best PM eva! I did so much awesome stuff
for this country, like pretty much single-handedly keeping the economy
strong with Workchoices and keeping dirty foreigners out and stuff. Not to
mention the power walking! Eleven years of power walking! 4015 days! With
just one hour of strutting my hot prime ministerial body around every one
of those days -- that's 240,900 minutes of blood, sweat, tears and green
tracksuits that I gave to you people!

And what do I get for it? Kicked out in favour of some pinko journalist
because she danced ONCE! And it's not even that she's a chardonnay
sipping,
tree-hugging, watermelon former ABC employee -- she's also a ginga! A blood
nuts, fanta pants red-head. Gross.

You also voted for a smug, dweeby little geek, which... ugh. WE had a
monopoly on smug. Like Alexander Downer wasn't good enough for you people?
Tony Abbott's condescending laugh? And NO ONE smirks like Peter Costello
smirks. Although, nice going, Peter, you spaz. You whinge like a little
baby for the leadership and NOW I give it to you and you don't want it?
It's so obvious he only wanted to be leader because I was, and now I'm
not, he doesn't want it. Real mature, Peter, you der-brain.

You've also got another commie ginger pubes and her barren womb kitchen and
a washed-up rock star.

Yeah, good work, voters. Clap, clap for the handicaps.

Anyway, now I've pretty much chosen to retire (for real, I pretty much GAVE
it to Maxine), I can go and do better things than be the PM. I mean, I
didn't even really want to be the leader anymore, anyway. And I think it's
time I lived out my true calling: to become a professional cricketer. I'm
not even 70 yet, and I'm in better shape than Shane Warne (and, as Janette
will tell you, I'm pretty good at sending HOT SMSes -- like: 'hai janette,
i wld ttly like 2 c yr brassiere' and 'u hav a good buttoxx'). I still
wield a pretty mean kanga cricket bat and shaved down tennis ball, and I
have my own gold and green tracksuits.

Although, another job I would like is to be the next Australian Idol judge,
because oh my GOD, that decision was the real let down of election weekend.
Matt was sooo cool, and oh, those blue eyes... swoon! Although, not winning
DOES mean we have something in common! And neither of us are going to let
that get in our way.

I'm not going to become some hack Young Diva just 'cause I lost ONE
election. I'm going to be a Shannon Noll. I'm going to be an Anthony
Callea (minus the gay). Not so much a Jessica Mauboy, 'cause she was black
and stuff. And Kevin is going to be a Casey Donovan or a Kate DeAraugo. Not
even -- you wouldn't even make Idol, Kevin. you're Scott Cain. You're
Scandal'us.
You're Random.

And Bob Brown is Joel Turner -- a stupid novelty, but he didn't even make
it to the real show. The Democrats are the Beatbox Alliance.

Anyway, Australia, I guess I'll catch you later, seeing as you don't want
to be friends with me anymore, or whatever. Just don't come running back
to ME when this whole country becomes a communist hell-hole where like,
everyone has to share food and play hacky-sack and wear those Che Guevara
t-shirts.

Peace out.

J. Ho.


Btw ...  *THANKS* to Mike on "the other side" for this message yesterday.
We don't get too much critisism anymore (I'm a little worried about that)
but it's always nice to get some praise!

"Hi
Just thought I would drop you a quick line to say I love the site and have
it on my favourites. I always look forward to Friday evening when I can
browse the latest gems. I have managed to look at most of the past pages
over the last few months and enjoyed every minute.  :)
Keep up the good work.
Cheers
Mike
Ps, Iím in Perth, WA"


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First up this week from Croydon Caz next to the chockie factory

                                     Poor execution

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client, John Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she
was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs
and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. To which he whirled around
and screamed,

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"


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A quickie from Digi Steve

  Administrative stupidity is alive and well and living in Kansas, Toto

The Frazier Park Lake near Ulysses, Kansas, has been dry for at least 20
years, so the city planned a $735,000 project to fill it by using the lake
bed to hold its wastewater, rather than use nearly the same amount of money
to refurbish the plant's evaporation ponds. There's only one problem: an
unusually snowy winter has filled the lake with water. The city therefore
plans to drain the lake so the project can proceed. (c/o Garden City
Telegram)


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Allnutts sent in this one

                                        POTATOES

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden
but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son Fred, who
used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament.

Dear Fred,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over I know you
would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For heaven's sake, don't dig up that garden! That's where I buried the
BODIES!
Love, Fred

At 4am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circ*mstances.
Love, Fred


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Here's one from Geoff

                                      Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just
then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting
him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that
you are going to be ok, the damage was local to your groin, there was very
little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot.
The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your
penis and I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad." the man replied, "Is your brother a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony. He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
p*ss in your eye"


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This lot came from Whizzbang

                       What Not To Say To A Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circ*mcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

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                             Mobile Phone Handy Hints

There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your
mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for
survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:

FIRST Emergency

The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out
of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency,
dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the
emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed
even if the keypad is locked.

Also in Australia, the Australian emergency number 000 can be dialled
whilst your mobile phone keyboard is locked. This is another reason why
000 receives so many false emergency calls!

SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car?

Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday.
Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the
spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from
your cell phone.

Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at
your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on
their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your
keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away,
and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you
can unlock the doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We
tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!"

THIRD Hidden Battery Power

Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370#
Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a
50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge
your mobile next time.

FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?

To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on
your phone!:

star-hash-zero-six-hash

* # 0 6 #

A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your
handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get
stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They
will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the
SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your
phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it
either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile
phones.

                                       [ Editor's note:  It works! - Davo ]

Not only the above, but also in Australia your stolen phone is added to a
"Stolen Mobile Phone" database, so if your phone is found later on it can
be returned to you.

This is the kind of information people don't mind receiving, so pass it on
to your family and friends


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                                     Woodridge Girls

  Q. Two Woodridge girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
  A. Society

  Q. What does a Woodridge girl use as protection during s*x?
  A. Bus shelter.

  Q. What do you call a 30 year old Woodridge girl?
  A. Granny

  Q. Why did the Woodridge girl cross the road?
  A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason what so ever.

  Q. What do you call a Woodridge girl in a white tracksuit?
  A . The bride.

  Q. What's the first question during a Woodridge quiz night?
  A. What you looking at?

  Q. Two Woodridge girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
  A. The policeman!

  Q. What's the difference between a Woodridge boy and a Woodridge girl?
  A. A Woodridge girl has a higher sperm count.


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Here's a selection from Smithie in Nottingham

                                    At the bus stop

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.  One of them kept
complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to
my situation."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got
married and got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my
stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father
became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her
father-in-law".

"Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was
my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of
my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son. That made me the
grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a Baby. Now the half-sister of my
son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my
stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!"

"And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!!!"

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                                       Options

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're
going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the
dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm
going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I
expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes
back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB,
or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "OK I'll give
you a bl*w job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the
business.

Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely
disgusting... it tastes all sh*tty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."


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                                   Sick as a dog

A dog was admitted to a veterinary clinic in Austria at the weekend, barely
able to stand on his own four paws and reeking "like a beer hall," a
newspaper reported on Monday.

Dingo, a three-year-old Labrador weighing 40 kilogrammes (88 pounds), was a
pitiful sight when his owner, a hunter, brought him in to the surgery in
the
Salzkammergut region, the Oberoesterreichische Nachrichten quoted vet Karl
Hofbauer as saying. "The dog had dreadful wind and diarrhoea, and was
vomiting a lot,"  Hofbauer said. "When I got him up on the table, it smelt
like a distillery."

Tests indicated that the dog had a blood alcohol content of 1.6 milligrams
per 100 millilitres. But that was not the result of Dingo having one drink
too many, the owner insisted. The hungry pooch had stolen and secretly
devoured half a kilogramme of fresh yeast dough from the kitchen. Alcohol
had formed inside his stomach as a result of the fermentation process,
leaving poor old Dingo stone drunk. "Nasty-minded people said that we
hunters are often drunk. With me, it's my dog," joked the owner.


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                                       Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and a young woman answered his knock
with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded
replying to his questions and she agreed.

He asked her if she knew his company, Cheese Borough-Ponds. When she said
no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she
certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was
"Yes."

Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist s*xual intercourse." The
interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because
everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's
bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for s*xual
intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you
use it?"

"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."


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                              I think I will give it a miss

People will be having s*x with robots by 2050, an artificial intelligence
expert has predicted. David Levy's book Love And Sex With Robots: The
Evolution Of Human-Robot Relationships claims robots will become so
lifelike that they will be hard to distinguish from real people.

The 62-year-old, also a chess master, writes in his book: "Great s*x on tap
for everyone, 24/7. What's not to like?" Robot technology is advancing
hugely across the world, with Japan in particular making great strides
towards robots which can help out in homes or hospitals. Mr Levy believes
that the people most likely to use a robot for s*x are those who are too
ugly or too isolated to find human romance. He said: "They're lonely,
they're miserable. I think society will be a much better place when they
have an alternative that satisfies them without doing any harm to other
people."

Mr Levy is not the first to predict s*x with robots. In 2006, Henrik
Christensen of the European Robotics Research Network, predicted that
people would be having s*x with robots within five years. Mr Levy also
believes that relationships with robots may not just be about s*x - people
may end up marrying them as well. "The question is not if this will happen,
but when," he said, adding that he expected the state of Massachusetts to
be the first in the US to allow it.


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Mitta sent this in

                                      Vus titzuch?

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks,

"How come the Jews know everything before we do?"

The CIA chief says, "The Jews have this expression "Vus titzuch?"

The president says, "What does that mean?"

"Well, Mr. President" replies the CIA Chief, "it's a Yiddish expression
which roughly translated means "What's happening? They just ask each
other,
and they know everything."

The president decides to personally go undercover to determine if this is
true.

He gets dressed up as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long black coat)
and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York, picked up in an
unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.

Soon a little old man comes shuffling along.

The president stops him and whispers, "Vus titzuch?"

The old guy whispers back: "Bush is in Brooklyn."


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To the pics and multimedia stuff now ... and they're from Moose,
Croydon Caz, Rudolf on "the other side", Muse, Nottingham Smithie,
Elle, Diks, Trina, Allnutts, Cartographer Chris, Burnout, and that legend
in his own lunchtime ... good old Whizzbang.


Pals
 Click here

Muffin Top Sending again
 Click here

The Parisian
 Click here

Man Made
 Click here

Pig Dog
 Click here Click here

Why Beer Is Kept On The Bottom Shelf
 Click here

Car Racing
 Click here

Philosophy of s*x from famous people
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

African speed hump
 Click here

The Grandma
 Click here

Hammered
 Click here

They Never Saw It Coming
Canadian Sniper wiping out Talaban Snipers un Afghanistan. These video
shots are not made through the shooter's telescopic sight. They are made
looking through the spotter's scope. The spotter lies right next to the
sniper and helps the sniper to find and home in on the target.
The sniper is using a 50 caliber rifle. A 50 cal. round is about 7-8 inches
long and the casing is about an inch in diameter. The bullet itself is
one-half inch in diameter and roughly one and one-half inches long.
Pay close attention to the beginning of the video. A Taliban is laying on
top of the peak in front of you... when you hear the shot fired.... watch
what happens. The sniper is also about a half mile away... or more. A
Canadian sniper in Afghanistan has been confirmed as hitting an enemy
soldier at a range of 2,310 meters, the longest recorded and confirmed
sniper shot in history. The previous record of 2,250 meters was set by US
Marine sniper Carlos Hathc*ck in Vietnam in 1967.
The Canadian sniper was at an altitude of 8,500 feet and the target, across
a valley, was at 9,000 feet. Canadian sniper units often operated in
support of US infantry units, which were grateful for their help. The
record lasted only one day, until a second Canadian sniper hit an enemy
soldier at 2,400 meters (8000 feet).
The Canadian snipers fire special 50-calibre McMillan tactical rifles,
which are bolt-action weapons with five-round magazines. The Canadian
snipers were the only Canadian troops operating without helmets or flak
jackets as they had too much other equipment to carry. Each three-man team
has one sniper rifle, three standard rifles Canadian (C7s), one of them
with a 203mm grenade launcher.
 Click here

Parking
 Click here

The perfect woman... in any language...
 Click here

RADAR photo
 Click here

Perfect Xmas Card
 Click here

WazPopeye
 Click here

Chocolate Christmas Story
 Click here

So easy to open any baggage or suitcase
 Click here

Don't judge too quickly ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Santa pics with kids ... who aren't happy!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Ultrasound....this is amazing!
 Click here

Gingerbread people
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Muslim Pussy
 Click here

FIREMEN'S REVENGE
 Click here

Fairytales start
 Click here

Best breakup letter.
 Click here

Baby Boomers
 Click here

She must have got it for Christmas
 Click here

I got a Xmas card from Texas
 Click here


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This lot came from KRP in Coffs Harbour

                                      Gay Cowboy

A ranch hand drove into town for supplies one day wearing his usual Levi's,
Stetson hat, cowboy boots and bandanna around his neck.

He stopped in at the local cafe for lunch and noticed that a young woman at
a nearby table, obviously a tourist passing through, was staring at him.

Finally she asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He drawled, "Well, I spend my days herdin' cows and brandin' calves and
mendin' fences. I guess you could say I am. And how about you, little
lady?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I think about women in the morning when I wake
up,
I think about them all day and dream about them all night."

The cowboy was somewhat taken aback by all this, and went back to his
lunch.
Soon the woman left and a tourist couple came in and took her table.

The woman stared at him for awhile then she too asked him, "Are you a real
cowboy?"

He said, "Well, ma'am, I used to think I was but I just found out I'm a
lesbian."


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                                    Almost a Miracle

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a
huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson! I beg of you, bring him
back."

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.

The grandmother looks up to heaven and says: "Oy! He had a hat!"


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                                        For starters

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in
front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it
starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He
finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another
beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do
tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a
lazy,
drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..."

The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."


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                                       The resort

There were two old men, one a retired engineer and the other a retired
professor of history.  Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at
a holiday resort.  They were sitting out on the porch watching the sun set.

The history professor said to the engineer, "Have you read Marx?"

To which the engineer replied, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."


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More from Whizzbang

                                Happy New Year 2008

Life is like having a cup of tea.

You sit by the side of the window, lift the cup and take a careless sip,
only to realize, somebody forgot to put the sugar. Too lazy to go for it
you somehow struggle through the sugarless cup. Until you discover
un-dissolved sugar crystal sitting at the bottom...   That's Life

Success is not the key to happiness.

Happiness is the key to success.

If you love what you are doing, you will be happy and successful ...

Have a Successful Year ahead!!!


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                                      The thermos

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the
clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot, and
cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!"

So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it
on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos .... it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,"
she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied . "Two iceblocks and some coffee."


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Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.


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Here's a couple from Zalaga

                                     Scottish Lass

Mary had just got married and, being a traditional Scottish bride, (work
with me here!!) she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, they were
staying at her mother's house, and she was very nervous. Her mother
reassured her; "Don't worry, Mary, Tam's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll
take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be here making the mince."

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tam took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Mary ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mum, Mum,
Tam's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Mary," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tam took off his pants exposing his hairy
legs. Again, Mary ran downstairs to her mother. "Mum, Mum, Tam took off
his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tam's a good man. Go upstairs
and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tam took off his socks, and on
his left foot he was missing three toes. When Mary saw this, she ran
downstairs. "Mum, Mum, Tam's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here lass and stir this mince."


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                         Thoughts for the year ahead

Number 10 Life is s*xually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an
erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing .

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you £200.00 and a substantial
tax cut saves you £0.30?

Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007: We know exactly where one cow with
Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in the
UK , but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants
and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of
Agriculture in charge of immigration.


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Finally from Porky

                                     Smart thinking

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his
collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the
house,
down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was
back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This
continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to
my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He
lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?"


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Quote of the Week:


 "In my heart I know you didn't come here just for me, you came here
  because you believe in what this country can be. In the face of war,
  you believe there can be peace. In the face of despair, you believe
  there can be hope. In the face of a politics that's shut you out,
  that's told you to settle, that's divided us for too long, you believe
  we can be one people, reaching for what's possible, building that
  more perfect union."


                                                               Barak Obama
                      Hopeful Democrat US Presedential candidate


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