Friday humour - January 04, 2008

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Happy New Year to you all!

Here's hoping this year is a more peaceful one that the last one, although
given what is happening in Kenya at the moment, that seems unlikely.

At least David Hicks can make choices now.

It is the holiday season again so pickings have been seriously slim this
week, I guess mainly because folk have been away from work or home. Hope
you all have a good break.

This weeks selection is courtesy of Burnout, Croydon Caz, Digi Maria, Diks,
KRP from Coffs Harbour, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang,
Zalaga.

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Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here.'

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE CYCLONES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they
take your house and car, boat, dog.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

and:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose!!!!

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Nurse Humor

Top ten reasons to become a nurse:

1) Pays better than fast food, though the hours aren't as good.
2) Fashionable shoes and s*xy white uniforms.
3) Needles: "Tis better to give than receive"
4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.
5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.
6) Interesting aromas.
7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in
perfectly legible handwriting.
8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world.
9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.
10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do
to them.

You know you're a nurse if...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one
night.

You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town
by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.

Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.

When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your
shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors
and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than
he can.

You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to
deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and
triggers "flash backs."

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if
someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another
table throw up.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a
nurse.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them
on you.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince
the physician is more difficult."

You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to
HOLLER if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the
answer.

You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery
waiting lines.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break,
sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop
near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest

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Sven and Ole are walking down the street and there, lying in a yard, is a
large dog licking his privates.

"Boy", says Sven, "I sure vish I could do that."

"Vell", says Ole, "you vant me to hold him for you?"

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Cricket Commentator says ...

"Welcome to viewers all over the World and welcome to Queensland viewers,
too".

We know that Qld is another country but now it seems to be another planet.

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As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was curious about how each of her students
celebrated Christmas.

She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at
Christmas time?" she asked.

"Well Ms. Jones, me and me twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight
Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies
by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed
and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."

“Very nice Patrick”, she said.

"Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mum and Dad and
we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put biscuits and milk by
the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for
Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a little Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to
leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac
Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. My family piles into the
Rolls Royce and we drive to my Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we
look at all the empty shelves and sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'.
Then we all go to Hayman Island for a month."

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Some things you just can't explain.

A farmer was sitting in a bar getting drunk.

A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here, on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"

The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?", the man asked as he sat down next
to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "Today, I was sitting by my cow, milking her.

Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the
bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."

"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer replied, "I took her left
leg and tied it to the post on her left.

Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket
full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."

The man laughed, "Again?"

The farmer nodded, and replied, "Some things you just can't explain.

I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Well I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket
full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Some things
you just can't explain."

"So, what did you do?"

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter.

At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things
you just can't explain."

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The average price of a pint of bitter in Britain's pubs ... gulp!

The average price of a pint of bitter in Britain's pubs could increase from
around £2.20 to as much as £4 next year, the industry has warned.

The massive hike, which is also expected to affect cans bought from off
licences, is due largely to increased prices of key ingredients barley and
hops - in part because farmland is being turned over to
environment-friendly biofuels.

But brewers are also suffering from rises in fuel costs and the price of
the metals used to produce kegs and cans. Kegs are now so valuable that
they have become a target for thieves, who stole 60 million this year to
melt down for their metal.

Mark Hastings, director of communications at the British Beer and Pub
Association, told BBC Radio 4's Today programme: "Food prices have
increased dramatically and that has affected, for us, the price of barley
and hops, which have rocketed tremendously. "But on top of that, we have
also got increases in commodity prices, so for example, with the kegs and
cans that we put beer into, the cost of metal has escalated dramatically.
"On top of that, because kegs are such valuable items we are losing a lot
of them - about 60 million a year are being thieved at present to smelt
down into metal. "Then we have also got things like fuel prices, which
affect both the cost of producing the beer in the first place and then
transporting it to and from pubs, because beer is quite a bulky product
and it actually costs quite a lot to drive it to and from places. "All
these factors have increased the cost of being a brewer quite
dramatically. Brewers have been clinging on for the last two years, trying
to contain prices and we have seen consolidation in the market - brewers
buying out other brewers to try to contain costs. We have also seen job
losses in the sector -
about 2,000 have gone this year. "But now there is no more to carve out of
the business so the only thing that we are able to do is to put prices up.
Nobody wants to do it. The last thing the industry wants is more expensive
beer."

Mr Hastings said the price hike came against a general decline in British
beer sales, with some 14 million fewer pints a day being served in pubs
than in the past.

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THE GIRLS PRAYER

Our Cash
Which art on plastic
Hallowed be thy name
Thy Cartier watch
Thy Prada bag
In Myer
As it is in David Jones
Give us each day our Platinum Visa
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our MasterCard
And lead us not into Sportsgirl
And deliver us from Portmans
For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani
For Chanel No.5 and Eternity
Amex.

THE BOYS PRAYER
Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed by thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily schooners
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The chicks and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen.

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What a moving story...........
 Click here

Is there a draught?
 Click here

Darth Vader Harmonica Bayou
 Click here

Three Pigs
 Click here

Dad's car
 Click here

Sky Diving Test (Xish).
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here
Test question: What was the name of the aircraft ?

Lowering Kit for Subaru WRX Jeune
 Click here

Numbers
 Click here

Stay upright - lesson 1
 Click here

Happy 2008
 Click here

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      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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