Friday humour - December 21, 2007



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


On behalf of the management (Digi Steve, Deano, and yours truly) and staff
(the cleaner seems to have gone to one too many Christmas turns) of Friday
Humour, we wish you a very Happy Christmas and a safe healthy and
prosperous
New Year!


The FH readership and contributors come from all corners of the world. 
It's nice to have a good laugh together and sometimes get just a little
bit serious.


Deep down, we're all a pretty nice bunch of assorted idiots.


Keep sending your stuff ...


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up this week these from the prolific Whizzbang

                                 Christmas Preparation

VERY IMPORTANT

Things to keep in mind for our up coming Christmas party's

ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING - SYMPTOM FAULT ACTION

Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so
that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Stand next to nearest dog,
complain about house training.

Drink unusually pale and tasteless. Glass empty. Get someone to buy you
another drink.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. You have fallen over
backward. Have yourself lashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.

Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not open, or glass
applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone
to buy you another drink.

Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to
another bar.

Room seems unusually dark. Bar has closed. Confirm home address with
bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. Alcohol consumption
has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles. You are dancing on the table. Fall on
somebody cushy-looking.

Drink is crystal-clear. It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. You've wandered
into the wrong party. See if they have free alcohol.

Your singing sounds distorted. The drink is too weak. Have more alcohol
until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song. Drink is just right. Play air guitar.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Oz Survey

A recent survey in Australia asked the following ...

Question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answer:

20%: YES

10% : NO

70% :   


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from the Castlehill Bookends

                                    One for the girls

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.

Please no age spots, Please no gray .
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!

Foot Note: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: if we don't get
some support soon, people will think we're nuts."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This stuff came from Moose

                            School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
mates.

2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark.
Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with
assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny
started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video
shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes
a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a
disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him
a whipping with his belt.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster
care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she
remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum
has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking
area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug
possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.

1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement
for graduation is racist Civil Liberties Association files class action
lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is
banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up
mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model
plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic
terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home,
computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and
is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher,
Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a s*xual predator and loses her job. She
faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
Becomes gay.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Appreciation

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors
needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found
locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was
located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood
to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his
blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token
of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.
His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood
again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card and a box
of Almond Roca sweets.

The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the
Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time.

So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation
in not a very generous manner.

The Arab replied :

"Ya habibi !!,

I have Jewish blood now, remember..!? "


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These arrived from Seasoldier

                            No Nativity scene this year

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the
United States capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find
three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         Gift Time

It was the last day of school before the Christmas break, and a
kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's
son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I
know what it is.
Some flowers."

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her
gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of
sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held
the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the
leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine? "she
asked?

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to
her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?

"With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid
twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure
the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money
with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I
get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in s*x
to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in s*x and he
is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote.......


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Darwin Awards

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin Awards are
bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious Winner:

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber Jmes Elliot
did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and
tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine & submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company
expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself.
He tried the machine & he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during
a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to fi! nd a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
driver went to a nearby bus stop & offered everyone waiting there a free
ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the
Staff that the patients were very excitable & prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, &
asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a
gun & asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly
provided. The man took the cash from the clerk & fled, leaving the $20
bill on the counter.

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a
gun at you & gives you money, is a crime committed?)

6 . Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, & run. So he lifted the cinderblock & heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinderblock bounced back & hit the would-be thief on the
head,
knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

7 . As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed
her purse & ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, & the woman was able to
give them a detailed description of the snatcher. With in minutes, the
police apprehended the purse snatcher, they pu him in the car & drove back
to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car & told to stand there
for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's
the lady I stole the purse from.'

8. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in , Michigan, at 5 a. m. , flashed a gun, & demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without
a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't
availablefor breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

****** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****

9. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline & plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                         The rear

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc! You're boldly going where no man has gone before! "

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of all ...

13.. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
here?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's some from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                                         T-Shirts

In case you can't read the small print on the red shirt:

"Sex is like snow - you never know how many inches you'll get or how long
it will last"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                    400 hours of unpaid work???????!!!!!!!!!

A benefits cheat claimed he was Britain's highest-paid paper boy, earning
116,000 a year, a court heard yesterday.

Hafizur Rahman, 37, was claiming 20,000 a year in handouts - while making
86,000 profit from two shops, plus 30,000 rent from two properties he
owned worth more than 600,000.

He was rumbled after failing to declare a student loan for a law course -
and then claimed his huge income came from delivering newspapers.

Harrow crown court in North London heard Rahman has signed up for and
dropped out of eight university courses since 2002, pocketing around
8,500 in loans and grants each time. Rahman, from Harrow, was ordered to
do 400 hours of unpaid work.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Too much info

A 12 year boy says to his dad, Dad can I get a plasma screen with Sky telly
in my bedroom for my birthday.  The dad says it's very expensive, but he'll
see.

On his birthday the wee boy runs home from school and up to his room, and
there on the wall is the big plasma screen with Sky plumbed in, so he
settles down to watch his new telly. Later on he comes down to the living
room, where his mum and dad are sitting, and he asks his dad, Dad what's
lovejuice?

Well his mum has a hairy fit, bursts into tears and runs into the kitchen.
His dad keeps his cool and says, sit down son, I better explain about the
facts of life. So he explains about s*x, females bodies, masturbation, and
all sorts of s*xual information.

Listening to all this s*xual stuff the wee boys jaw just about hits the
deck, the dad seeing this then says, son just what programme were you
watching up in your room ...

And the wee boy says WIMBLEDON!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                    The big-game hunter walked into the bar

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his
skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin
by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it
by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument
started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put
up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to
his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced,
"Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was
shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even
hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he
said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they
blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin
that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering
the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to
prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of
drinks.
Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a
shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night,
but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I
get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then
you fiddled around a bit and announced, 'Skunk, killed with an axe!' "


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        Directions

Please read all!

1. Start at London Heathrow Airport.

2. Catch flight from London Heathrow to Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

3. Hire car at Dallas Fort Worth Airport.

4. Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South"
follow for 0.2 miles.

5. Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for
0.3miles

6. Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North Airport Exit"
-follow for 2.9 miles

7. Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2
miles

8. Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles

9. "US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles

10. Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0
miles

11. "US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles

12. Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles

13. Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for
7.8 miles

14. Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles

15. Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7
miles

16. Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles

17. Arrive at the centre of town.

Now that's the f*cking way to Amarillo!

SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . .


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

The Allnutts Selection

                     Why it's important to understand English

I had a bunch of dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency
exchange window at the local bank.

Short line. Just one lady in front of me. . .an Oriental lady who was
trying to exchange yen for Sterling and she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat pouns fo
yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!", and walked out.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                              What about the barber

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked "How long before I can get
a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "About 2
hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said "About 3 hours." The guy
left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long
before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and a half." The
guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said "Hey Bob do me a favor. Follow
that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait
for a haircut but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bob returned to the shop laughing his ass off. The
barber asked "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up wiped the tears from his eyes and said ,,,

"Your house!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                LEAVING WORK EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided
that,
when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never
called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in
bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


To the pics and video section now, and this lot came from Moose, Smithie of
Nottingham, the Castlehill Bookworms, Digi Maria, Allnutts, Diks, Croydon
Caz, Digi Steve, the Duke of Barsinov, London Muse, Seasoldier, Anatinus,
and David M.


See through mouse
 Click here

Santa is not coming this year
 Click here

Van spotted in Guildford says it all...
 Click here

Best wedding Dance EVER
 Click here

The Caz Collection
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Merry Christmas!
 Click here

Pussy Humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Redneck Wakeboarders
If you ain't near the ocean or a big lake, you make do with what you got -
a long ditch, a board and an ATV.
What more could you need?
 Click here

Snow Fairy
May the snow fairy keep your sidewalks clean this winter ...
 Click here

Alarm clock problems?
 Click here

Zonnebankkuurtje
 Click here

3D Adverts _some of these are fantastic.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Lions in Mozambique
 Click here

Wishing you a Merry Xmas, from Frankston Plaza....
 Click here

Politically incorrect ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Nice start...
 Click here

Best Country Song of the Year
 Click here

I feel good
 Click here

X-rated Santa Song
 Click here

Everything's fine mum and dad...
 Click here

Had It Been Three Wise Women ...
 Click here

I got this xmas card and had to share it
 Click here

Another Chinese recall
 Click here

XXX Opportunity
 Click here

Why Do Canadians Go to Florida In Winter ?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Own Boss
 Click here

XXX Ugliest Snowman in the World!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Christmas wishes
 Click here

Billard tricks
 Click here

Irish roundabout....how the hell does it work?
 Click here Click here Click here

Worst name ever?
 Click here

Merry Christmas Everyone
 Click here

Truckie prank call
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These arrived from new contributor Geoff

                                        Time to go

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said,"Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000
and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a
suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Joe told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because
she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage and no bike."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                   Christmas in Frisco

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of
the church was looking over the crche when he noticed that the baby Jesus
was missing from among the figures. He hurried outside and saw a little boy
with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant
Jesus.

So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your
passenger, my fine friend?"

The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."

"And why did you take Him?"

The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the
little Lord Jesus and I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for
Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                           Winky

Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to
confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Herb that she
suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt
this was also the time for him to open up and admit that the had a
deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said..."I too have a problem. My winky is
the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are
married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size
winky."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb
whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching and
teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she
began to scream and ran out of the room !! Herb ran after her to find out
what was wrong...

She said, "You told me your winky was the size of an infant !?!?"

"Yes, it is...7 pounds, 8 ounces and 19 inches long".


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                        Two Ways to Look at Everything:

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.   My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My land!" said my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"

So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                 Be Careful Out There:

IDIOT SIGHTING: We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears
repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a
"large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that
we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook
his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2
was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not." Four is larger than two.."

We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out
window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also
handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes
I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed
and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the quarter, and said We're sorry but they could
not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back$1 and
75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor
call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the
DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing
anymore."

From Kingman , KS .

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal
lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce. From
Kansas City

IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She
was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented
cheerfully,
"This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.
We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her
system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to
unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know. I
already got that side."

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , Mississippi

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... and the scary part is that they VOTE and

they REPRODUCE !


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                     REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and
female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to
mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the
spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a
girl.

We should have known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a
red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This lot arrived from Croydon Caz at Nestles UK HQ

                                     Monastic Mistake

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other
monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices,
however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the
original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be
picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent
copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as
archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him
banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R !

We missed the R !

We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

"CELEBRATE !!!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                            Spiked

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided
to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager
sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors
... green,
red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring
every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's
the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on
his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he
did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had s*x with a
peac*ck. I was just wondering if you were my son."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                  Spike and the Parrot

Betty 's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had
to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll
mail you a cheque.'

'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But,
whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circ*mstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I
REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'

When the repairman arrived at Betty 's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as
she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman
go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain
himself any longer and yelled,

'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

See - Men just don't listen!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                      Happy Couple

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach.
Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town.

"What a peaceful and loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom
of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse
stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and
quietly said,
"That's once." We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again,
this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,
"That's twice." We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a
third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the
horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that? Are you crazy??"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally one from Diks

                                      West Virginia

GOOD: In Elkins, a West Virginia State Trooper was running radar. He had a
perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he
discovered the problem. A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a
hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a
young accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket
full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER: A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Fairmont, WV A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police
responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST: A young woman was pulled over in Morgantown, WV for speeding. As the
WV State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the West Virginia
State Police Ball." He replied, " West Virginia State Troopers don't have
balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized
what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


What shall it profit a man if he gains the whole world but loses his
soul.


Jesus Christ


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (December 14, 2007)  Index Next (December 28, 2007)