Friday humour - December 14, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Well, here we are rapidly approaching that time of year again. Shops are
full of tinsel and plastic carols. Life is returning to what passes for
normal here after the biggest political shakeup in recent times in good
old Oz. Some interesting things in the first week. Who ever heard of
publically stated and measured governmental and ministerial KPIs? Are
these people serious? I do hope so.
Accountable government has become an oxymoron. Here's hoping action
continues to follows the words. Although it is only early, so far so good.

There is lots of seasonal stuff in this weeks collection courtesy of our
throng of contributors, including Allnutts, Anatinus,
Burnout, Cartographer Chris, Castlehill Books Mob, Croydon Caz, Diks, Duke
of Barsinov, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Seasoldier,
Swinburne Sue, Whizzbang, Zalaga and the ever-present anonymous.

My favourite for this week is only a little seasonal, but tickles my fancy
anyway:
 Click here

But now on to the many other contributions ...

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Two Indian gentleman were heroin addicts...

One day they injected curry powder by mistake...

One is now in a Korma and the other has a dodgy Tikka

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Golf Story.

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached
across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha ... soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have
to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been
unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good
reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by good reasons?"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were
about to lose our little house, because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do
you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day
he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for
that. You saved our home. But, what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't
have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night, and, if you recall, he did the
surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry "and, you did it to save my life. So, of
course, I can forgive you for that. Now, tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said, "do you remember when you ran for president of your
golf association and, you needed 73 more votes?"

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ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM Feet cold and wet.
FAULT Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM Feet warm and wet.
FAULT Improper bladder control.
ACTION Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT Glass empty.
ACTION Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT You have fallen over backward.
ACTION Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT You have fallen forward.
ACTION See above.

SYMPTOM Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM Floor blurred.
FAULT You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM Floor moving.
FAULT You are being carried out.
ACTION Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT Bar has closed.
ACTION Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT You are dancing on the table.
ACTION Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION Punch him.

SYMPTOM Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT You have been in a fight.
ACTION Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT The drink is too weak.
ACTION Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT Drink is just right.
ACTION Play air guitar.

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DAVID BLAINE TEST
This is creepy!
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Think of a letter between A and W .
.
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down .
.
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Keep going .
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Don't stop .
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Think of an animal that begins with that letter .
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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down .
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Think of either a man's or a woman's name that begins with the last letter
in the animal's name .
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Almost there .
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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are
not using to scroll down .
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Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face
level .
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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines on your hand .
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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?
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Of course they don't!
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.
Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid email
games!

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Very Wise Old Indian.

A few years ago someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of
Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962) came across this reprint from the
Washington News and found it quite interesting in light of our current
debates.

The quote reads:
Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from a Native
American Indian Chief on a reservation: "Be careful with your immigration
laws. We were careless with ours. "

Native American Observation
Recently an old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent by the
President to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You
have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his
technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's
done." The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then
calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all work,
medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night
having s*x." Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb
enough to think he could improve system like that."

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Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her
rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these
years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life
since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still
yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful
consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but
not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks,
and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you
want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young
and full of the beauty and youth I once had"

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what
shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish
for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological
make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes
of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new
life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was
gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful,
stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered ... "Bet
you're sorry you neutered me."

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A real bloke....

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man guesses there must be
thousands of dollars in it!! He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's
up with the jar?" The bartender answered,
"Well...you pay ten dollars, and IF you pass 3 tests, you get all the
money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up and he asks, "What are the 3
tests?"

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender..."Those are the rules." So the man gives
him $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you have to do."
FIRST: "You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of Pepper Tequila the WHOLE
thing, all at ONCE and you CAN'T make a face while doing it."
SECOND: "There's a Pit Bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have
to REMOVE the bad tooth with your BARE HANDS."
THIRD: "There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached Orgasm
during intercourse. You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO
IT!! You'd have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of Pepper
Tequila, and then DO those OTHER THINGS!!!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it is."

The man has a few drinks ... then a few more.

Finally he asks, "WHERRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?????" He grabs the gallon
of Pepper Tequila with both hands and downs it with a BIG slurp. Tears are
streaming down both of his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face

Next, he staggers out back to where the Pit Bull is chained-up. The people
inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY, WILD SCUFFLE going on outside. They
hear the Pit Bull barking, then they hear the guy screaming. The Pit Bull
is yelping .. and then SILENCE.

Just when! they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into
the bar with his shirt ripped and Large Bloody Scratches all over his
body.

"NOW" He says "WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH?"

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English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a
5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly , this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "
ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

If zis mad you smil , pleas pas on to oza pepl.

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A Christmas joke (politically quite incorrect)

The three wise men were riding their camels through the desert to
Bethlehem. Finally they arrived at the manger containing Joseph,
Mary, and their newborn son.

The first wise man, a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and ran
inside the manger. After a few minutes he came running outside and
shouted: 'I have seen him, the son of our lord!'

The second wise man, also a very short fellow, climbed off his camel and
ran inside the manger. Soon he also came running outside shouting: 'I have
seen the babe, our savoir is born!'

The third wise man, a very tall towering figure of a man, climbed off his
camel and ran inside the manger: 'BOOOM', he hit his head on a rafter and
shouted 'JESUS CHRIST!'.

Mary looked up and said, 'Hey, ... that sounds a lot better than Claude.'

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A deformed and ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
face

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway.

Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the
tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took
her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"

"Dunno ... never found the head."

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Sadly, Tony was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in
business, his problem annoyed him greatly.

One day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three
interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very
interesting, but at the end of the interview, Tony asked him, "Do you
notice anything different about me?" "Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice
that you have no ears," came the reply.

Tony did not appreciate his honesty and threw him out of the office

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the
first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything
different about me?" "Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."

Tony again got upset and chucked her out in a rage. The third and final
interviewee was the best of the bunch. He was a young man who had recently
earned his MBA. He was smart, he was handsome and he seemed to be a better
businessman than the first two put together.

Tony was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?" Much to his surprise, the
young man answered,  "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"

Tony was shocked and realised this was an incredibly observant person. "How
in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well,
it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!!"

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Paddy & Mick

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

Paddy replies "Right Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on
his stool and steps off & falls flat on his face. "Shoyte" he says and
pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step
towards the door and falls flat on his face again.
"Shoite, Shoite!" He knows if he can just get to the door and some fresh
air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and sticks his head outside
and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step
out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face. "Be'Jayses... I'm
fockin' focked". He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to
the door, hauls himself up and shimmies inside. He crawls up the stairs to
his bedroom door, then to the bed and says "Fock it" and manages to crawl
into bed.

The next morning his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and
says, "Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "That I did. I was fockin' p*ssed. But how'd you know?" "Mick
the barman just phoned me . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub."

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Simple Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. If you have a bad cough and want to stop coughing, take a large dose of
laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop.

4. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply
using the sink.

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Worlds daftest signs.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED

Hotel notice, Tokyo:
IS FORBIDDEN TO STEAL HOTEL TOWELS. PLEASE IF YOU ARE NOT A PERSON TO DO
SUCH A THING IS PLEASE NOT TO READ NOTICE.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN

Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
PLEASE DO NOT BRING SOLICITORS INTO YOUR ROOM

Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL
OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE

Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT
YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE

In a Leipzig elevator:
DO NOT ENTER THE LIFT BACKWARDS, AND ONLY WHEN LIT UP

Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
TO MOVE THE CABIN, PUSH BUTTON FOR WISHING FLOOR. IF THE CABIN SHOULD ENTER
MORE PERSONS, EACH ONE SHOULD PRESS A NUMBER OF WISHING
FLOOR DRIVING IS THEN GOING ALPHABETICALLY BY NATIONAL ORDER

Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK

Hotel, Athens:
VISITORS ARE EXPECTED TO COMPLAIN AT THE OFFICE BETWEEN THE HOURS OF 9 AND
11 AM DAILY

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT
THURSDAY

Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF
ASCENSION

Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE
FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS
BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION

Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE

Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS

Outside a dress shop, Paris:
DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING

Outside a dress shop, Hong Kong:
LADIES HAVE FITS UPSTAIRS

Tailor shop, Rhodes:
ORDER YOUR SUMMERS SUIT BECAUSE IS BIG RUSH, WE WILL EXECUTE CUSTOMERS IN
STRICT ROTATION

From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC
PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO
YEARS

In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE
THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS

Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER
IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN
THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR
THIS PURPOSE

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS

From a Russian book on Chess:
A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS
BEEN PLAYED

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS, WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES

Advert for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:
STOP. DRIVE SIDEWAYS

In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO
THE GUARD ON DUTY

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES

Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE

In a Tokyo shop:
OUR NYLONS COST MORE THAN COMMON, BUT YOU'LL FIND THEY ARE THE BEST IN THE
LONG RUN

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM,
PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF

Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN TRUMPET TO HIM
MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE
THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Larry is in Room 233 ...

Larry gets home late one night and Linda, his wife says, "Where the hell
have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow."

"Two, once in a while I like to play with my money."

"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."

"And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at
home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is recovering in room 233 at the local hospital.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Indian Winter

IT WAS ALREADY LATE FALL AND THE INDIANS ON A REMOTE RESERVATION IN SOUTH
DAKOTA ASKED THEIR NEW CHIEF IF THE COMING WINTER WAS
GOING TO BE COLD OR MILD.

SINCE HE WAS A CHIEF IN A MODERN SOCIETY HE HAD NEVER BEEN TAUGHT THE OLD
SECRETS. WHEN HE LOOKED AT THE SKY, HE COULDN'T TELL WHAT
THE WINTER WAS GOING TO BE LIKE.

NEVERTHELESS, TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE, HE TOLD HIS TRIBE THAT THE WINTER WAS
INDEED GOING TO BE COLD AND THAT THE MEMBERS OF THE
VILLAGE SHOULD COLLECT FIREWOOD TO BE PREPARED.

BUT BEING A PRACTICAL LEADER, AFTER SEVERAL DAYS HE GOT AN IDEA. HE WENT TO
THE PHONE BOOTH, CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AND
ASKED, 'IS THE COMING WINTER GOING TO BE COLD?'

'IT LOOKS LIKE THIS WINTER IS GOING TO BE QUITE COLD,' THE METEOROLOGIST AT
THE WEATHER SERVICE RESPONDED.

SO THE CHIEF WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND TOLD THEM TO COLLECT EVEN MORE
FIREWOOD IN ORDER TO BE PREPARED.

A WEEK LATER HE CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. 'DOES IT STILL
LOOK LIKE IT IS GOING TO BE A VERY COLD WINTER?'

'YES,' THE MAN AT NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN REPLIED, 'IT'S GOING TO BE
A VERY COLD WINTER.'

THE CHIEF AGAIN WENT BACK TO HIS PEOPLE AND ORDERED THEM TO COLLECT EVERY
SCRAP OF FIREWOOD THEY COULD FIND.

TWO WEEKS LATER THE CHIEF CALLED THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE AGAIN. 'ARE
YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE THAT THE WINTER IS GOING TO BE VERY
COLD?'

'ABSOLUTELY,' THE MAN REPLIED. 'IT'S LOOKING MORE AND MORE LIKE IT IS GOING
TO BE ONE OF THE COLDEST WINTERS WE'VE EVER SEEN.'

'HOW CAN YOU BE SO SURE?' THE CHIEF ASKED.

THE WEATHERMAN REPLIED, 'THE INDIANS ARE COLLECTING FIREWOOD LIKE CRAZY.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Women are so insensitive.

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told
him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for s*x. Naturally, she agrees,
and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you
know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could! we p lease do it one more
time?' Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now
has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey,
please... just one more time before I die?' She says, 'Of course, dear.
'And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until
he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you
think we could.....?'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Ralph, I have to get up in
the morning... You don't.'

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Two Chimps and a Blonde

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of
a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over
to the blonde.

"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take
these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over --- so
now we're going to Sea World."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


NASA Pictures
 Click here

Ballet ... she without arm, he without leg.
 Click here

Familiar tune with new pictures
 Click here

Talking cat
 Click here

Strangers on my flight (needs sound)
 Click here

Darth Vader at the Death Star Cafeteria (needs sound)
 Click here

Go Granny
 Click here

Male priorities
 Click here Click here Click here

Karma -
 Click here

They are going to need a bigger wall in China!
 Click here Click here

Explain this to the boss!!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Speed Camera Photo (Xish)
 Click here

Cockatoo Rock
 Click here

Kopie cats.
How to open the attachment:
On a bus are 7 children.
Each child has 7 backpacks.
In each backpack are 7 cats.
Each cat has 7 kittens.
Question: How many legs are on the bus?
The number of legs is the Password for the attachment.
 Click here

Dumbest cops on the plane
 Click here

Not quite the mile high club.
This is for everyone with a fear of heights. (Xish)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Response to Movember
 Click here

Government Departments!
 Click here

Minnesota Bird Feeder
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
What is that line made of?

How they do that?
 Click here

WHY I LIKE KIDS---DAY BRIGHTENER
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

I need your help! I'm trying to find out which shop sells this mirror!
 Click here
and other things female ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The Squirrel relocator (bang, zoom, off to the moon!)
 Click here

Answer "A" or "B" ...
 Click here

Redneck Christmas Deco ...
 Click here

Some Christmas Cards
 Click here

Husband of the year awards
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Christmas Wishes...
 Click here

Sometimes you just have to ignore the crowd (XXX and bizarre!)
 Click here Click here Click here

Are you planning to write to Santa Claus?
 Click here

Amazing Dog Video (this one is a must watch)
 Click here

A dog owner's worst nightmare (XXX)
 Click here

She didn't have to ask for a smile (Xish)
 Click here

The Lost Dr Seuss Poem "I Love My Job"
 Click here

The neatest Bud commercial I've ever seen
 Click here

Top 5 very badly chosen logo's
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The New Mercedes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
... stop dreaming and be happy with what you have
 Click here

Engineering question of the Day
 Click here Click here Click here

Christmas Card (Xish)
 Click here

Cool pics.
 Click here

In our quest for happiness ... let us chose to be happy ...
 Click here

World's smallest swimsuit
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Christmas Card For You. turn sound up
 Click here

Gross, but weirdly very funny ...
 Click here

You thought you were having a bad day - this guy really had a bad day
 Click here

Calvin & the Snowmen
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

Condom Fashion Show in China (yes - really)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Kodak Moments ...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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