Friday humour - November 30, 2007



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day from Oz   ...  hopefully a country going in the right direction
again!


Last Saturday the Australian Labor Party was swept back into office in a
landslide after almost 12 years.  Our mean and tricky Man of Steel simply
outstayed his welcome.

It's amazing how some people behave in organised groups.  In Howard's first
21 years in parliament he was considered a dud, but a good loyal battler.
He secured the PM's office in 1996 after several years of turmoil and
leadership changes in his Liberal (sic) Party.  He promised better
parliamentary standards with his new "code of conduct".  It lasted about
12 months when several Ministers were sacked or made to fall on their
swords.
He was wonderful after the Port Arthur massacre and instigated the
government buy-back of guns.  It's all been downhill from there.

We've suffered over 10 years of him vilifying and marginalising certain
communities.  He's been an expert at leading a succession of fear
campaigns.
And he sent our country to war on the most flimsy cherry-picked evidence
ever concocted.

There was nothing that this man wouldn't do to retain the perks of office.
Never mind the team ... Howard was for the individual.

Had he retired some time last year it's possible that he'd be remembered by
many (not me!) as one of the greatest Liberal Prime Ministers.  But it
wasn't to be.  He couldn't stomach standing down, and his gutless deputy
didn't have the ticker to take him on.

So he leaves the Liberal Party in the worst position in its 60 year
history,
not running any federal or state government in the country.

All I can say to this ego maniac is good riddance!  You may have continued
the growth that Keating and Labor instigated five years prior to your
reign.
Not too difficult I wouldn't imagine given the resources boom.  But you
have divided us.  You've lied to us and tricked us.  Even your downtrodden
former colleague are finally sticking in the knife.  They should have done
an "et tu Brutus" to you last year ... if not sooner.

Thank God it's all over!!!


On another front, would any of our loyal and devoted contributors or
readers like to take the floor and throw together an issue of Friday
Humour?  It's not that difficult, but quite time consuming.

It would be nice and refreshing to have a change from (broken record) me,
and, let's face it, boring Digi Steve and Deano.   :)

(That was a joke S & D!)

Seriously, if you'd like to have a go at it (and get a few things off your
chest as well) drop us a line at management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au.

We are a broad church.  Why not step up to the mark?  This may be your one
last chance to make a few people laugh and possibly change the world!

Yeah ... OK  ... Pigs might fly.


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First up this one from Cartographer Chris

                    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns ...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a
mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad
passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard
and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.
When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he
was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why
neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding
the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches
solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty,
causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
Walter


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And from Croydon Caz at the UK home of Nestles chocky

                               Wrong Side Of The Bed

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two
novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she
passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I
think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning." This
startled
Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters
who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them
with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom
for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of the
wrong side of bed today." Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken
harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more
pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching,
step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother
Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before
greeting Sister Mary. "Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you
up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a
wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank you. I see you got up on the
wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have
tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that
about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
"Oh,
don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing
Father Murphy's slippers."


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These came from Muse in London Canada, who said ...

"Thank you so much for the laughter... y'all do a wonderful job and I so
look forward to my Friday fix, which in Canada lands on Thursday
afternoon."

[ Thanks Muse - When I used to publish it earlier than TonyS, even our
Perth
WA readers called my issues Thursday Arvo Humour - Ed ]

                                  Blonde goes riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the
horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but
cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down
the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seeming impervious to
its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts
to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at
the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the
ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from
unconsciousness when to her great fortune ...

Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse ...

And you thought all they did was say Hello!


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                       This Year's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins ...


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This lot came from Zalaga of Nottingham

                               What did you do today?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in
their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and
there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even
bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded
against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the
family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by
the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of
clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that
something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the
bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn
over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had
been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked
how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What Happened
here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from
work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


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                                      Dictionary

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.

Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.

Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.

Female.... An embarrassing by product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.

Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.

Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


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                             Tributes to Scotland

Tributes are being paid to Scotland this morning after the entire country
laughed itself to death.

The alarm was first raised at around 10pm last night as thousands of phone
calls and text messages went unanswered.

Small groups of volunteers from Berwick-Upon-Tweed and Carlisle ventured
north just after midnight only to find houses full of dead people gathered
around still blaring television sets.

By dawn, as RAF helicopters flew over deserted city streets, it was clear
that the whole country had suffered a catastrophic abdominal rupture.
Moving tributes are already being placed along the Scotland-England border
with many mourners opting to leave a simple bag of chips or a deep fried
bunch of flowers.


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A quickie from Anatinus

                                Outside the Theatre

Two little kids are in Katoomba hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
other outside the operating room - the first surgeries of the day. The
first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little
nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done
when
I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of Jelly and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision"

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck mate. I had that done when I was
born. Couldn't walk for a year."


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The Allnutts Selection

                                   The appointment

A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth
extraction.

"85 for an extraction, sir"

"85?, the man replies. Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," replies the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock 15 off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still withoot an
anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the
price could drop to 40."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, 'ave yer student do the
extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students" mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5.
But it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?


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                           Understanding engineers...

Understanding Engineers - Take One:

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding
my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the
bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you
want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."

******************

Understanding Engineers - Take Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

***********************

Understanding Engineers - Take Three:

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for
15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him."

"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind
firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last
year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

********************

Understanding Engineers - Take Four:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a
seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their
multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else
to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on
the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.

He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day,
he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine
and said, "This is where your problem is."

The part w as replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it
$49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

***************

Understanding Engineers - Take Five:

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

****************

Understanding Engineers - Take Six:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

**********

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven:

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet."

*********

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight:

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume
you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and
get some work done."

***************

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine:

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why
won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


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This one came from Diks

                     Thanksgiving Tequilla Cake Recipe

An old family recipe. I like to pass this around to all my friends at
Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Tequila Cake

1 cup water
1 tsp. baking soda 1 cup sugar 1 tsp. salt 1 cup brown sugar Lemon juice 4
large eggs Nuts 1 bottle of tequila (Jose Cuervo, you are a friend o'mine)
2 cups dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer.

Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point its best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another
cup... just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and then chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Or was it two cups?

Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loosh with a
drewscriver.

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.

Check the tequila again.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turners.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window.

Finish off the tequila and wipe off the counter with the cat.


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These came from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                                     From the Fuzz

These 16 Police comments were taken off actual police car videos in the
USA.

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed
of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift  supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and  step in monkey crap."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of
yours. So you know someone who can post your  bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we gave pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.
Sign here."


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                                    Mascot Madness

A man boarded an airplane in Sydney, Australia, with a box of crabs. A
female crew member took it and promised to put it in the crew's
refrigerator/freezer, which she did.

The man advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the
crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the
gentleman who gave me the crabs in Sydney  please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them herself!


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                                 Mary and Little John

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually
she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me
Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting
behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and
continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,"Very
good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and
shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it
in half!"

The nun fainted.

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                            Discrimination At School

Teacher says to the first child 'Hello Becky, what have you been doing this
playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I
will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher. ' If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I
will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box
with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time
I went near them they started throwing stones at me and calling me nasty
names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination
to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I
will give you a biscuit'


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                             Government Travel Bookings

A Washington, DC, airport ticket agent offers some examples of why their
country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her
hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an Airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I
started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information.
Then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I
calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts; Capetown is in Africa."
Her response - click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we
did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was
expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible,
since
Orlando is in the middle of the state . He replied, "Don't lie to me. I
looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, "Is it possible to see
England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on
the map." (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a
car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a
1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car he
said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive
between gates to save time." (Aghhhh!!)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it
was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to
Chicago at
8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I
said,
"No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the
airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said 'FAT,' and I'm overweight.
I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold for a minute while I
looked in to it (I was laughing). I came back and explained the city code
for Fresno, CA is 'FAT' (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just
putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After
going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to
California, and then take the train to Hawaii?"

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do
I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which
he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes
have numbers on them."

10. A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.
Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked if she
meant fly to Pensacola, Florida on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah,
whatever, smarty!"

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've
been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double
checked and sure enough,
his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to
China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!"

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, "I want to go
from Chicago to Rhino, New York ." I was at a loss for words. Finally, I
said, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do
you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, "I'm
sorry,
ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a
Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows
where it is. Check yourv map!" So I scoured a map of the state of New York
and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" The reply?
"Whatever! I knew it was a big animal."

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Job Centre

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Derby and sees a card advertising for a
Gynaecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more "Can you give
me some more details about this?" he asks the man behind the desk.

The Job Centre oppo sorts through his files and replies - " Oh yes here it
is. OK the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their
nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair
then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's
examination. There's an annual salary of 45,000 but you're going to have
to go to Sheffield."

"Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

"No - that's the end of the queue"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Now to the pic and video files, and they're from ... Whizzbang, the
Castlehill Books Mob, Croydon Caz, Moose, Allnutts, The Duke of B,
Cartographer Chris, Notingham Smithie, Westerly Rudolf, Stonefish, Muse,
Burnout, Diks, Zalaga, Slatts, and new guy Geoff.


In a hurry
 Click here

Romantic sleigh ride
 Click here

Spiders
 Click here

Frogsushi
 Click here


DO YOU EAT CHOCOLATE?
e were raised on chocolate as kids and even into adulthood. I will never
eat it again. I hope from now on you will throw yours away whenever you
are given any . It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you eat chocolate! This is a warning, send this
to everyone you care about.
It could happen to you......or them.
Chocolate can cause small feet !!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

AWESOME PAINT JOB
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here

More Christmas Cartoons
 Click here

News From Apple
 Click here

My new hobby
 Click here

For the ladies
 Click here

A selection of idiots
 Click here Click here Click here

Doesn't Take long
 Click here

Whatever your political leaning, this is still funny!!!!!
 Click here

Burnout Comparisons (from Burnout in Oz)
 Click here

Interesting
 Click here

I love Christmas....
It took me all weekend, but I finally got my tree up!
 Click here

Fart-study
 Click here

Mt Druitt Monopoly
 Click here

Where there's a will there's a way
 Click here

Backpackers flight
 Click here

Badparents
 Click here

Who do you think has such opulence?
Imagine who would have such taste and live in such opulence? An American
Billionaire? A Saudi Prince? Louis XIV of France?
Savor the pictures then scroll to the bottom of the page to see who owns
this Work of Art.
This Mansion is in Harare and belongs to:
The President of Zimbabwe
Robert Mugabe -
A maniac, mass-murderer whose people are starving while he siphons millions
into his own pockets and the world stands by and watches, including closest
neighbour South Africa.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

More Chalk Please!!
 Click here

LOL!
 Click here

Cute!
 Click here

Job interview
 Click here

Ben Cousins' stash tin found...
 Click here

Losing Your Marbles
 Click here

World record broken
Bavarian-born restaurant manager Reinhard Wurtz, who recently became an
Australian citizen, broke the world record for carrying one-litre steins of
beer, when he carried 20 for 40 metres last night.
With each beer-filled stein weighing at least 2.5 kilograms, Mr Wurtz
carried 50 kilograms of beer and glass in the record-breaking effort. The
previous record of 16 steins was held by German barmaid Anita Schwartz.
 Click here

Who's The Bigger Crybaby?
 Click here

That's it folks... I'm moving to Japan...
The Japanese like Beaujolais Nouveau wine so much they're swimming in it ..
literally. Located at a hot spring spa resort in Hakone, a resort region
near Japan's celebrated Mount Fuji, this wine spa was just installed last
year. With the mountains as a backdrop of the open-air spa, you can see
leaves turning colour and hear the sound of a nearby ravine. It's very
pleasant," said Seiji Sanada, an official at Yunnesun. He also added that
wine helps to smooth the skin and its aroma relaxes the mind.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Open mouth, insert foot...
 Click here

For one of those special accidents you need a special ambulance
 Click here

D JOHNS T-SHIRT COLLECTION
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Three Parrots! So silly it is funny
 Click here

Cartoon Corner
 Click here Click here

New Hungry Jacks meal deal
 Click here

Yep!!! This pretty much says it all
A  Two  Story  Dunny !!?
Words fail me ! This picture is worth 10,000 of them.
 Click here

HIT THE MAN
 Click here

There's Only One Jeep
 Click here

Woman v Man
 Click here

Whoo ha!
 Click here

Moving Out
Hi folks I tried to email the page but my ancient computer balked. (I don't
expect this will be left on their listing when the joke is recognised by
Domain )
Sorry I didn't see it in time to make a pre-election day edition of FH. You
decide if its still funny after the election. It will be decidedly unfunny
if Bonsai (little bush) is returned!
Geoff
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This stuff came from Whizzbang

                             Lost in Bunnings Hardware

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings
Hardware when they collide.

The old guy says to the Young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.".

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife
too. I can't find her, and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife
look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue
eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter
top and no bra.

What does Your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    What to do?

You are riding on a beautiful white horse.

On your right side is a dropoff.

On your left side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.

In front of you are four large gazelles which won't get out of your way and
you can't seem to overtake them.

Behind you is a stampede of horses.

What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star ...

* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                  Be careful with mobile phone MESSAGES

WARNING!!!

Beware!!! Check your Mobile phone listings.....

I have never thought of this... what next? Be careful how you list names on
your cell phone!

This lady has changed her habit of how she lists her names on her mobile
phone after her handbag was stolen. Her handbag which contained her
mobile,
Credit card, purse, etc.... was stolen. 20 minutes later when she called
Her
Hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened, hubby says 'I've
Just received your text asking about our Pin number and I've replied a
little while ago.'

When they rushed down to the bank, the bank staff told them all the money
was already withdrawn. The pickpocket had actually used the stolen hand
phone to text 'hubby' in the contact list and got hold of the pin number.
Within 20 minutes he had withdrawn all the money from the bank account.

Moral of the lesson: Do not disclose the relationship between you and the
people in your contact list. Avoid using names like Home, Honey, Hubby,
sweetheart, Dad, Mom, etc.. And very importantly, when sensitive info is
being asked thru texts, CONFIRM by calling back. Also, when you're being
texted by friends or family to meet them somewhere, be sure to call back
to confirm that the message came from them. If you don't reach them, be
very careful about going places to meet 'family and friends' who text you.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    Frankie's Willie

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told
her mother.

"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded
me of a peanut"

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No... salty!"


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

David M sent this in

                            When insults had class

From the P. H. H (Pre Hip-Hop) days when English was spoken and great
intellectual minds were the admired ones, as opposed to those which made
the most money.

"He has all the virtues I dislike, and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."

-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."

William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it."

- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

- Oscar Wilde

George Bernard Shaw said to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets
to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."

Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend
second, if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man, and worships his creator."

- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

Irvin S Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."

- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a dinner party,

"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!

Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband, I would drink it!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally from Slatts

                                       Diesel fitter

Paddy and Mick were both laid off from their jobs in a clothing factory, so
they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher - I sew da
elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs."

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker were collecting double his pay. The
Clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel fitters
are skilled labour."

"What skill?" yelled Paddy? "I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs, and
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: "Yep, diesel fitter."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quotes of the Week


"I would say to the borrowers of Australia who are affected by this  change
that I am sorry about that and I regret the additional burden  that will be
put upon them as a result."


... and the next day ...


"I said I was sorry they occurred.  I don't think I used the word apology."


                  John Winston Howard
                  Former Prime Minister of Australia


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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