Friday humour - November 23, 2007
[from Steve at Bluehaze]
Well here we are, only one more big sleep until the BIG DAY when here in Oz
we all herd down to the appointed places and make little marks (in pencil!)
on big pieces of paper to have our individual say in who runs our country.
No matter how bad the last 6 weeks have been, I am still mighty thankful
that I don't live in a place where oppression rules and conflicts are
resolved by bullets,
Given that, I am SOOOOOOOOO glad it is nearly done with. I cannot remember
such a boring and uninspiring federal election campaign.
I made my mind up well before the campaign started so that I would not be
swayed by the nonsense on offer. Hopefully there will be enough clear
thinking voters around that the election will be decided on the real
issues, not on the barrage of bribes offered, so that we get the
government we should have, rather than the government we deserve.
What happened to nation building, infrastructure provision, health and
education for all?
Mind you, its not much of a choice. After all the noise and counting is
done with it is going to be won by either the Bad party or the Worse
Check it out before they take it down!
By the way, we here at Bluehaze are concerned that some folk may see us as
some sort of secret society with special rituals and a closed membership.
It is not so. We would welcome any interest from anybody in how it all
works, and how FH is compiled each week.
If you would like to know a bit more about it all, or might be interested
in trying your hand, drop us a line at
management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au and I will give you the "guided
tour" so to speak.
This week's collection is courtesy of Adam, Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Croydon Caz, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Geoff,
Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Rudolf from the West, Stonefish, Swinburne
Sue, Whizzbang, and the singular Anonymous.
"Why is Ben Cousins so excited?
Only three more sleeps until Christmas."
A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine, who's sitting by
Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
Maxine: "No, they spread.
The duck, the lawyer and a farmer.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa. He shot and dropped a
bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the
United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in Iowa. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three
"The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first... I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so
on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end,
sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart.... Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees
it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Corvette Z06."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you have to
drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once
and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have
to remove the tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm.
You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do
it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do
those other things".
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "
Where ez zat tequila?"
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears
stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the
people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They
hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and
then ... silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the
bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says ... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
UK Council House.
We have a huge council house in our street.
The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce
dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number
plate, but the police still do nothing.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist
comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and
his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
The family's odd antics are always in the papers.
They are out of control...
Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at
least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that
a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm
overreaching at all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could
you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200
- 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to
central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an
investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am,
nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars,
- What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my
- Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side
so plain? I've seen really 'plain Jane' boring types who have nothing to
offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous
girls in singles bars in the east village.
What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker,
doctor. How much do those guys really make?
- And where do they hang out?
- Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way.
Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about
it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to
match them - in looks, culture,
sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial
== THE ANSWER ==
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about
your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill;
that is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a
crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the
B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party
and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub,
your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity. in
fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute
certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning
asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation
Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next
5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35
stick a fork in you! So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading
position, not a buy and hold. hence the rub. marriage. It doesn't make
good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd
rather lease. In case you think
I'm being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so
would you, so when your beauty fades
I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is
dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I
wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as
you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe
that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found
you, if not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we
wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic
"pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease,
let me know.
There were five country churches in a small Queensland town: the
Presbyterian Church ,the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church ,
the Catholic Church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was
over run with pesky possums.
One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do
about the possums. After much prayer and consideration they determined
that the possums were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere
with God's divine will.
In the Baptist Church the possums had taken up habitation in the baptistry.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the
possums in it. The possums escaped somehow and there were twice as many
there the next week.
The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the
possums and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later,
the possums were back.
But -- the Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective
solution. They baptized the possums and registered them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one possum and
had a short service called circumcision. They haven't seen a possum on the
Male or female computer?
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine
('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Q: Where can men or women over the age of 60 find young, sexy members of
the opposite sex who are sexually interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
Q: My wife is going through menopause. What can I do?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When
you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter
A: "I remember these."
The Old Man on the Moped.
A doctor goes out and buys the hottest car on the market, a "brand new"
Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world,
and it costs him $400,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red
An old man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost almost a half a million
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 240 miles an hour!" states the doctor
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice
car, all right, but I think I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer
reads 120 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It
seems to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly, WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks
himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 160 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed
that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the
moped at 200 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks
in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the
speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all
the way up to 240 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing
down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly the Moped ploughs into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear end. The doctor stops the Ferrari and jumps out, and unbelievably the
old man is still alive. He runs over to the mangled old man and says, "Oh
My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Yes!! ... Unhook my suspenders ... from your ...
side view ... mirror
The most useful word in the English language.
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most
functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between
shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some
days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit
or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a
bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't
give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day,
without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from
Well, Shit Happens!!!
Someone said Hillary is hiring. Want to Work for the Clinton's?
Just a quick refresher course lest we forget what has happened to many
"friends" of the Clinton's
James McDougal - Clinton's convicted Whitewater partner died of an apparent
heart attack, while in solitary confinement. He was a key witness in Ken
Mary Mahoney - A former White House intern was murdered July 1997 at a
Starbucks Coffee Shop in Georgetown. The murder happened just after she
was to go public with her story of sexual harassment in the White House.
Vince Foster - Former white House councillor, and colleague of Hillary
Clinton at Little Rock's Rose Law firm. Died of a gunshot wound to the
head, ruled a suicide.
Ron Brown - Secretary of Commerce and former DNC Chairman. Reported to have
died by impact in a plane crash. A pathologist close to the investigation
reported that there was a hole in the top of Brown's skull resembling a
gunshot wound. At the time of his death
Brown was being investigated, and spoke publicly of his willingness to cut
a deal with prosecutors.
C. Victor Raiser II - & - Montgomery Raiser, Major players in the Clinton
fund raising organization died in a private plane crash in
Paul Tulley - Democratic National Committee Political Director found dead
in a hotel room in Little Rock, September 1992. Described by Clinton as a
"Dear friend and trusted advisor."
Ed Willey - Clinton fund raiser, found dead November 1993 deep in the woods
in VA of a gunshot wound to the head. Ruled a suicide.
Ed Willey died on the same day his wife Kathleen Willey claimed Bill
Clinton groped her in the oval office in the White House. Ed
Willey was involved in several Clinton fund raising events.
Jerry Parks - Head of Clinton's gubernatorial security team in Little Rock.
Gunned down in his car at a deserted intersection outside Little Rock.
Park's son said his father was building a dossier on Clinton. He allegedly
threatened to reveal this information. After he died the files were
mysteriously removed from his house.
James Bunch - Died from a gunshot suicide. It was reported that he had a
"Black Book" of people which contained names of influential people who
visited prostitutes in Texas and Arkansas.
James Wilson - Was found dead in May 1993 from an apparent hanging suicide.
He was reported to have ties to Whitewater.
Kathy Ferguson, ex-wife of Arkansas Trooper Danny Ferguson, was found dead
in May 1994, in her living room with a gunshot to her head. It was ruled a
suicide even though there were several packed suitcases, as if she were
going somewhere. Danny Ferguson was a co-defendant along with Bill Clinton
in the Paula Jones lawsuit. Kathy Ferguson was a possible corroborating
witness for Paula
Bill Shelton - Arkansas State Trooper and fiancée of Kathy Ferguson.
Critical of the suicide ruling of his fiancée, he was found dead in June,
1994 of a gunshot wound also ruled a suicide at the grave site of his
Gandy Baugh - Attorney for Clinton's friend Dan Lassater, died by jumping
out a window of a tall building January, 1994. His client was a convicted
Florence Martin - Accountant & sub-contractor for the CIA, was related to
the Barry Seal Mena Airport drug smuggling case. He died of three gunshot
Suzanne Coleman - Reportedly had an affair with Clinton when he was
Arkansas Attorney General. Died of a gunshot wound to the back of the
head, ruled a suicide. Was pregnant at the time of her death.
Paula Grober - Clinton's speech interpreter for the deaf from 1978 until
her death December 9, 1992. She died in a one car accident.
Danny Casolaro - Investigative reporter. Investigating Mena Airport and
Arkansas Development Finance Authority. He slit his wrists,
apparently, in the middle of his investigation.
Paul Wilcher - Attorney investigating corruption at Mena Airport with
Casolaro and the 1980 "October Surprise" was found dead on a toilet June
22, 1993 in his Washington DC apartment. Had delivered a report to Janet
Reno 3 weeks before his death.
Jon Parnell Walker - Whitewater investigator for Resolution TrustCorp.
Jumped to his death from his Arlington, Virginia apartment balcony
August15, 1993. He was investigating the Morgan Guarantee scandal.
Barbara Wise - Commerce Department staffer. Worked closely with Ron Brown
and John Huang. Cause of death unknown. Died November 29,
1996. Her bruised, nude body was found locked in her office at the
Department of Commerce.
Charles Meissner - Assistant Secretary of Commerce who gave John Huang
special security clearance, died shortly thereafter in a small plane
Dr. Stanley Heard - Chairman of the National Chiropractic Health Care
Advisory Committee died with his attorney Steve Dickson in a small plane
crash. Dr. Heard, in addition to serving on Clinton's advisory council
personally treated Clinton's mother, stepfather and brother.
Barry Seal - Drug running pilot out of Mena Arkansas, death was no
Johnny Lawhorn Jr. - Mechanic, found a check made out to Bill Clinton in
the trunk of a car left at his repair shop. He was found dead after his
car hit a utility pole.
Stanley Huggins - Investigated Madison Guarantee. His death was a purported
suicide and his report was never released.
Hershell Friday - Attorney and Clinton fund raiser died March 1, 1994 when
his plane exploded.
Kevin Ives & Don Henry - Known as "The boys on the track" case. Reports say
the boys may have stumbled upon the Mena Arkansas airport drug operation. A
controversial case, the initial report of death said, due to falling asleep
on railroad tracks. Later reports claim the 2 boys had been slain before
being placed on the tracks. Many linked to the case died before their
testimony could come before a Grand Jury.
THE FOLLOWING PERSONS HAD INFORMATION ON THE IVES/HENRY CASE:
Keith Coney - Died when his motorcycle slammed into the back of a truck,
Keith McMaskle - Died stabbed 113 times, Nov, 1988.
Gregory Collins - Died from a gunshot wound January 1989.
Jeff Rhodes - He was shot, mutilated and found burned in a trash dump in
James Milan - Found decapitated. However, the Coroner ruled his death was
due to "natural causes."
Jordan Kettleson - Was found shot to death in the front seat of his pickup
truck in June 1990.
Richard Winters - A suspect in the Ives / Henry deaths. He was killed in a
set-up robbery July 1989.
THE FOLLOWING CLINTON BODYGUARDS ARE DEAD:
Major William S. Barkley Jr.
Captain Scott J. Reynolds
Sgt. Brian Hanley
Sgt. Tim Sabel
Major General William Robertson
Col. William Densberger
Col. Robert Kelly
Spec. Gary Rhodes
Quite an impressive list! Pass this on. Let the public become aware of what
happens to friends of the Clinton's!
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a
gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden naked in my trench coat and flash. My tomatoes turn red from
blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing
to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks
she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Poor ol' blue.
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."
"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get
him in the course."
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy
calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.
"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read."
"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that
"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is
"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news Yesterday morning, just before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room,
kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he
suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around
with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"
The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their
hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it, and the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists
thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the
Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted; the Pathologists
yelled, 'Over my dead body,' while the Paediatricians thought it was
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, the Radiologists
could see right through it, and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands
of the whole thing.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic
Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the
scheme wouldn't hold water.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists
didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some arsehole in
Hilarious communication between the public and the police
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police
station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try
e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this
message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier
pigeon or Ouija board.
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I
think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off
Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game
which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a
meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout
the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am
unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several
bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully
dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting
about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a
matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of
calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could
be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily
leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.
Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with
them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless
assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,
why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)
when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car
before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually
I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these
throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head
start before coming to arrest me.
I remain sir, your obedient servant
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems
caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered
in trying to contact the police.
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an
offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details
(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
Community Beat Officer
Dear PC ?????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my
original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for
Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to
Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community
beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert
skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I
have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep
undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne
and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand
basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in
Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care
and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using
words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twits that they
might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind
the Citadel or the one at
DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to
contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer,
I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't
work for the cleansing department.
RULES KIDS WON'T LEARN IN HIGH SCHOOL
Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teen-ager uses
the phrase "It's not fair" 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents,
who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic
generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they
realized Rule No. 1.
Rule No. 2: The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as
much as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before
you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when
inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See
Rule No. 1)
Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school.
And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even
have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.
Rule No. 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'til you get a boss.
He doesn't have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier.
When you screw up, he's not going to ask you how you feel about it.
Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents
had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They
weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been
embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt
Cobain all weekend.
Rule No. 6: It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are
responsible. This is the flip side of "It's my life," and "You're not the
boss of me," and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you
turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it,
or you'll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are
now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and
listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before
you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents'
generation, try delousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life
hasn't. In some schools, they'll give you as many times as you want to get
the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class
valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone's feelings be hurt. Effort is as
important as results. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance
to anything in real life. (See Rule
No. 1, Rule No. 2 and Rule No. 4.)
Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers
off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For
eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on
and on. While we're at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your
self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self
realization. (See Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 2.)
Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your
problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs.
Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Aniston.
Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all
Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look
moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt
in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for
"expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the
impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is
romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature
Rule No. 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a
bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful
it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You're welcome.
Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as
they left a New York publishing house last Thursday,
according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...
NEW THEORIES (Or why we have nothing to fear, but fear itself)
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a
figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close
to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms;
thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
The 'Why Yawning Is Contagious' Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure
on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances
other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary
works in Braille.
The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant.
If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another.
When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing
a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is
dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down.
Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When
dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably
into eternity. A "buttered cat array" could replace pneumatic tires on
cars and trucks, and "giant buttered cat arrays" could easily allow a high
speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.
What is in a Name
It was this little girl's first day of school and the teacher asked her
what her name was and she replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey
I don't think that's your name you need to go to the principal's office
and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal's office and
he asked, "What's your name?" And the little girl said, "Happy Butt." The
principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and
for all. After getting off the phone he looked at the little girl and
your name's is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass,
Happy Butt" what's the difference?
By and For the Severely Euphemized
On the door to a Health Care Office:
'Sorry, this facility is not accessible to the financially handicapped.'
I can no longer get that new drug my doctor ordered for me.
It was recalled because a common side effect was lawsuits.
My neighbour survived the operation; it was the bill that killed him.
We're moving you from intensive care to intensive billing...
TOP 12 LEAST KNOWN FACTS IN WORLD MILITARY HISTORY
12 Santa Ana really just wanted to use the Alamo's bathroom, but didn't
know how to ask in English.
11 Hannibal did not lead elephants across the Alps to fight the Romans. In
218 BC, elephants pretty much went wherever the hell they wanted.
10 France won WW II all by themselves without the help of the Allies. Just
9 The Civil War was actually fought over the Confederacy's right to keep
old cars on their lawns.
8 Nazi POW camps were *exactly* as depicted in "Hogan's Heroes."
7 The Spanish-American War was actually fought to see who *wouldn't* get
stuck with Mexico.
6 In the Civil War battle of "Sleepy Creek", 80% of all Confederate
casualties were named "Jessup".
5 The Battle of Stalingrad was actually fought just outside of Scranton,
4 Contrary to popular belief, the French actually possess an army.
3 "Sherman's March to the Sea" was really led by Mr. Peabody.
2 The Boxer Rebellion was actually started by the Pugs.
1 Code words for Israelis' pre-emptive strike in the Six Day War -- "Torah!
T-shirt to wear TODAY
* Senior Citizen, Just Give Me My Discount
* For a Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeking
* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
* Liberal Arts Major, Will Think For Money
* IRS worker, Be Audit You Can Be
* About Gravity, It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
* No one is listening until you pass gas...
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer
they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day. She wasn't
unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she
would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around
furtively, then speak to them.
Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but
occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money
for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling
drugs and debated calling the cops,
but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.
After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that
she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"
He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel
and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what
she's really doing."
Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up
and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. "Well, is she
selling drugs?" she asked, excitement pouring out with her voice. "No,
she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.
"Well? What is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked. The
man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesman."
"A battery salesman?" cried the wife.
"Yes," he replied, "She sells 'C' cells by the seashore!"
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a
The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab,
"They don't serve beer here, you moron!"
The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker
with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle.
"And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands.
"Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
her reputation or his marriage, they agreed for her to go to Italy to
secretly have the child and stay in Italy to raise the child . He would
provide child support until it turned 18.
She agreed but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it
discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write SPAGHETTI
on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to
One day about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “ Honey”
she said, you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later” , he said. The wife
obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and
On the card was written “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti” one with meat
balls, two without. Send extra sauce!”
The Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, Who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told
us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the
Big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines but I asked you to Raise your trazy-poo, so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant
replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm
called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up,
ONLY AN ITALIAN MAN CAN MAKE A WOMAN FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of
the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if
I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is
there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They
all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous,
tall, well built, with dark brown hair and blue! eyes. He starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt........one button at a time.
No one moves.
..... He removes his shirt.
..... Muscles ripple across his chest.
..... She gasps ...
..... and He says to her ...
"Iron this, and get me something to eat."
Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your
food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl
up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dogs or cats'
I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door ...
Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or
daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all
the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your
car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke,
don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes,
don't need gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can
sell the results
IS SEX WORK OR PLAY ??
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure
if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive
search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a
Minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the Minister and receives the same reply: Sex is work and
therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out
the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and
In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then
states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me
sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do
The Value of a Drink
'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I
look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of
their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out Of
work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself,
'It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be
selfish and worry about my liver.'
~ Jack Handy
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they Wake up in the morning,
that's as good as they're Going to feel all day. ' ~Frank Sinatra
'When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading.'
- Henny Youngman
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright
'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, We fall asleep. When we
fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So,
let's all get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the
Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm
Here's how it went:
'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast
as the slowest buffalo. Now when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and
weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
kills brain cells. Naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
Pet Video Films.
Click here Click here Click here
I know this is going to make your day.
Watch your speed mate.
The dead terrorist.
Insane bike run.
Who is a naughty boy, then!
Click here Click here
Creation Aussie Style
Learn To Fly
Cheap Way To Impress Women
One Spoiled Elephant
Look Out for the Police
Redneck's Christmas Tree
Seen My Cat?
Sign of Global Warming...
A page of "stories"
Most of people think its improper to spank children, so I have tried other
methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments."
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you
would like to use the technique.
Can you do this?
Safety In The Workplace
This is what happens when you eat chocolate!
This is a warning, send this to everyone you care about.
Chocolate will make your feet small!
Poetry in motion
Men perform better with an audience
Click here Click here
Guess the Bra Size
Okay, what did you guess?
Click here Click here
Paris Hilton shows off her new shoes (Xish).
Sometimes when you are angry with someone, it helps to sit down and think
about the problem...
Hardest Part of Being a Seeing Eye Dog!
I saw the first sign of summer today (Xish).
Those open toed shoes are a dead giveaway!
Pole Dancing can be dangerous
Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!
[ End friday humour ]
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