Friday humour - November 16, 2007

Howdy,

This is Knackers!
I have decided to crash the Bluehaze office (looks similar to this)
 Click here and

have a go at Friday Humour.  Bit sneaky of me to sabotage the pics last
week but my plan worked – the cleaner did not trip – he was pushed!!.  It
has driven Davo, Steve and Deano to drink (even more!) About time you
readers had a guest editor who is not afraid to call a spade a fuckin
shovel. I did not realise youse people sent in so much stuff and I have
had a choice time in looking at the jokes and pics.  As for “you know who
you are”, a picture of your arse with “Kiss Me” is not funny and I will be
around to shoot your missus and root your dog for sending such crap.

Anyway, my favourite this week is not a video or pic, it is a “Quote of the
day” from Burnout and Moose:
"I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is just
bullshit!"

The jokes I have included have been sent in by Anonymous, Zalaga,
Nottingham Smithie, Moose, Geoff, Front Range Barbie, Moose, Cartographer
Chris, Castlehill Books Mob , Diks, KRP from Coffs Harbour, Muse, and
Whizzbang.


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Food Facts...

For those who watch what they eat, here's the final word on nutrition and
health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting
medical studies....

FACTS

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
Aussies, British or Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
Aussies, British or Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the Aussies, British or Americans.
4. Italians drink large amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the Aussies, British or Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


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My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

First, my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that
needs sealing.   Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer
have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along with me to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore
and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because there's a big
brown African spider lurking under a toilet seat somewhere which will bite
my bum causing me to die instantly.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found in
the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm
tomorrow evening and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will happen because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

  Have a wonderful day!

P.S.....After a lengthy study a South American scientist discovered that
people with low IQ's that have infrequent sexual activity always read
their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...!


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THE REDHEAD

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,
but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and
hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her
place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy
is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to  
every guy you meet? "
"No, "she replies. . . "
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ..
  ?
  ?You just happened to catch my eye."


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Cowboy boots----------
A Lady went into a bar in Waco Texas and saw a cowboy with his feet propped
up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big
feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on
out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, the Texan said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't
nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered... Take the money and buy yourself some boots that
fit."

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Gotta laugh at our future: I love it]

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so
she decided to just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's
old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since
it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact
location.
"Since you're a woman," The doctor said, "your heart is just below your
left breast. Why do you ask?"
She hung up without answering
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot


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Best lawyer joke
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and
discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other,
'You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a
woman. It's been such a long, long time....So.... do you think we
should....well....you know....screw her?' 'Out of WHAT???' asked the other

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THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the
best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!  A week later, Jennifer was
horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact
same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her "step mom" to exchange it,
but she refused. "Absolutely not I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress.  After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going
to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where
you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it
to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."


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Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were
attending a class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from
UCLA, “What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.
"Elation," she said.
"And you, sir," he said to the student from Texas A&M "What is the opposite
of woe?"
"Sir, I believe that would be giddyup".


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I was making love to a girl and she started crying.
I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"
"No”, she said; ”I hate myself now."


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Blonde Joke
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, I
would like to buy a pair of pink curtains". The salesman assures her that
they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several
patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing.
Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what
size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches"
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room
are they for?"
The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room; they are for her computer
monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says,  "Hellllooooooooo ............. I've got Windoooooows!"


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Rectal thermometer
A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a cheque, he pulls a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looks at the thermometer with annoyance and says,
"Well that's great, just great... some arsehole's got my pen."


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THE DINNER CLUB
A group of country neighbours wanted to get together on a regular basis and
socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to
meet for dinner at a different neighbours' house each month.
Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time
for Dick and Jane Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women,
Jane wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best
that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.
A few days before the big event, Jane got out her cookbook and decided to
have mushroom smothered steak.
When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a
small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, 'We
aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive.'
He said, 'Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed.'
She said, 'No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild
mushrooms are poisonous.'
He then said, 'I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the
time and it never has affected them.'
After thinking about this, Jane decided to give this a try and got in the
pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild
mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them
ready to go over her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl
and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to
make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite.
All morning long Jane watched him, and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to
affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was going to be a great success, and Jane even hired a lady from
town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little
cap on her head. It was first class.
After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and
socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered
in Jane's ear. She said, 'Mrs. Brown, Spot just died.'
With this news, Jane went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down,
she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said,
'It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an
ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We'll give
everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will
be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm.'
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance
was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their
suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. The doctor arrived shortly
thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom,
gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 'I think
everything will be fine now,' and he left.
They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and
about this time, the town lady came in and said, 'You know, that fellow
that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!!'


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Pecans in the Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One
for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several
dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along
the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from
inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just
around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here
quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord
are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by
the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we
can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At
last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get
those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy
on the bike.


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Well that's sorted then
1. DELIA'S WAY
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice
cream drips.
THE REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake. You
are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

2. DELIA'S WAY
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
THE REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Buy Smash and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

3. DELIA'S WAY
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of the dry
cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.
REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Tesco's sell cakes. They even do decorated versions.

4. DELIA'S WAY
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
potato slice.
REAL WOMAN'S WAY
If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's tough shit. Now,
please recite with me the Real Woman's motto: "I made it, and you will eat
it, and I don't care how bad it tastes."

5. DELIA'S WAY
Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.
REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Let it keep forever. Who really eats it anyway?

6. DELIA'S WAY
Brush some beaten egg white over piecrust before baking to yield a
beautiful glossy finish.
REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Sainsbury's frozen pie directions do not include brushing any egg white
over the crust - so we don't do that .
7. DELIA'S WAY
Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and rub in on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.
REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Cure for headaches. Take a lime, cut it in half and drop it in 8 ounces of
vodka. Drink the vodka. You might still have the headache, but at least
you will be happy!

8. DELIA'S WAY
If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Forget the gloves, use that gadget you keep in front of the TV ... that's
what he's there for isn't it?

And finally ...
9. DELIA'S WAY
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and
sauces.
REAL WOMAN'S WAY
Leftover wine???? .... Hello!!!!!


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How lucky is that

School stripper shocks birthday boy
A schoolboy was given an unexpected surprise for his 16th birthday when a
stripper turned up in his drama class. The stripper - dressed as a
policewoman - had been booked by the boy's mother, who had apparently
asked for a "gorilla" to mark her son's big day. The woman even asked the
teenager's teacher at Nottingham's Arnold Hill School and Technology
College to film the event so the family could see his reaction.
On arriving halfway through the lesson, the stripper walked the unnamed boy
around the class on all fours like a dog. To the soundtrack of Britney
Spears, she then spanked him 16 times – once for each year - before
stripping down to her bra and knickers. It was only when she asked the
schoolboy to rub cream on her that the shocked teacher called a halt to
the show. The boy's mother reportedly told the school the incident was the
result of a booking error.
On Thursday a spokeswoman for the local education authority,
Nottinghamshire County Council, said they were investigating how the
incident happened. She confirmed that nobody had been suspended and the
police were not involved.
The spokeswoman said: "We and the school are investigating into the
situation."


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Study the five brain teasers. Then, see if you can answer without looking
at the answers. Very interesting! Don't look at answers!

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose among three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was
wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.
Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But
if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any
coaching!


Answers"

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. Don't you
feel silly now?

2. The woman is a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry. Yeah, you should have paid closer
attention to wording.

3. Charcoal. This one is tricky. Only old-timers can remember using coal
for heating...

4. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow! What about Xmas Eve, Xmas
Day & Boxing Day.

5. The letter "e" the most common letter in the English language - is
missing from the entire paragraph! This one was hard. If you got this one
- give yourself a pat on a back!


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Why oh Why
Only in America  .....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back  of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
 cigarettes at the front.

Only in America  .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and  a  diet coke.

Only in America  .....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the  counters.

Only in America  ....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America  .....do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of  eight.

Only in America  .....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in  Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

Only in America  .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.


EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
(But then again, when do woman ever close their mouths???)

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


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Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
-- Unknown, presumed deceased


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Medical marvels (political humour)

Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can
take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking
for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four
weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of
them out looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way
behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, and no heart, put her
in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for
work."


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My Living Will
Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to
her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my wine.
She's such a bitch!


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Here are the pictures and movie type things sent in by Anonymous, The Great
Gussius, Diks, Croydon Caz, Allnutts, Burnout, Front Range Barbie,
Cartographer Chris, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, Moose, Muse


Explains All...........
 Click here

Watch the guy on the left. And men say women are vain!
 Click here

I knew there was a book...
 Click here

A heartwarming Goldfish story
Now and then it's good to have one that's just cute and sweet.
 Click here

What does a blonde do to hide a picture that she accidentally installed as
a background on her computer, and she doesn't know how to delete it?
 Click here

Aladdin
 Click here

SENSE OF HUMOUR EVEN IN DEATH
A friend died who had a great sense of humor and always used to say that
when she died she wanted a parking meter on her grave that says 'Expired'.
 So her nephew got her one on ebay!
She said that her grave is right by the road so everyone can see it and
many people have stopped to get a chuckle.
 Click here Click here Click here

Can you solve it???
 Click here
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 "I love country music"


Pearls of wisdom
 Click here

Attempt
 Click here

Getting one of these for my car!
 Click here

The boat I want.........
 Click here

Rufus on Tour
 Click here

From: Croydon Caz
A useful place ...if you want to say sorry!
 Click here


Harry Enfield's Mr Cholmondley-Warner
 Click here xmas Click here the mind Click here limits Click here adverts Click here  rights


Darned clever, these Canadians!
Perhaps   America and Europe should consider changing their currencies too.
Due to the global war on terrorism, many terrorist organizations have had
their finances frozen. Consequently, they have resorted to counterfeiting.
The Canadians have decided to redesign their currency to prevent the
radical Muslims from even touching it! It is also hoped that this will
have a positive effect on tourism :
Muslim terrorists have to kill themselves if they see a naked woman, those
Canadians always find the solution!  Must be the pure water up there in
the North.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


Bob Hope
 Click here Click here Click here
Tribute to a man who DID make a difference:
May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80  "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit
needs pressing.."
ON TURNING 90  "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than
the cake."
ON TURNING 100  " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until
noon . Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING  "I ruined my hands in the ring ...
the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR  "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's
called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green
fees."
ON PRESIDENTS   " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only
six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER  " When I was born, the doctor said
to my mother, 'Congratulations You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL    "I feel very humble, but I
think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY  "Four of us slept in the one bed.  When it
got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS   "That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the
bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't
for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN  "I've done benefits for ALL religions.  I'd hate to
blow the hereafter on a technicality."


This is a blast from the past!!!
Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling for my wife's grandfather.
 While my wife's brother and I were fitting the fan in between the joists,
we found something under the insulation. What we found was this:
 Click here
A JC Penney catalogue from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in
my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the
taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set,
which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:
 Click here
Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:
 Click here
There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not
going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something
else. The clothes. The clothes are fantastic.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in elementary school:
 Click here
Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably
needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three
inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:
 Click here
This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to
be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an
undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.
Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf course:
 Click here
This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally
appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house.
Personally, I can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing
around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put
this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it's
slightly more effective as a deterrent against ass-rapery.
Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much anywhere:
 Click here
If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget
has his hand in the other guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although
you can tell just by looking at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't
happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching
coffee cup.
Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:
 Click here
He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a
bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.
How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:
 Click here
If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe you
can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including
termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that
orange jumpsuit.
How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick's
Day
 Click here
Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that colour exists in nature. There is
NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a
body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.
 Click here
As does your search for chest hair.
And this -- Seriously. No words.
 Click here
Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What.
The. Fuck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest
hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I'm
guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to
dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?
 Click here
I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi
Loves You Best."
 Click here Click here
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of
matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face
that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."
 Click here
Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry
cloth jumpsuits:
 Click here
I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time.
I think it's the colours. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful
little numbers:
 Click here
Man, that's sexy.


From: Moose
Joys of Excel
 Click here


Jokes For Slightly Twisted Minds
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

If you stare at this picture long enough you should be able to see a
giraffe. This is weird. Give it a try.
 Click here

Most Men will fail miserably. See if you have what it takes to be a
pilot...Can you focus on the Parrot for 10 seconds ?
Nah!  I didn't think so :-)
 Click here Click here Click here

This must be your guardian angel?]
 Click here

The day all women are waiting for
 Click here

No More Towel Heads (politically incorrect)]
 Click here

Modern man summed up in one photo
 Click here


Desiderata - original version found
This appears to be the original, more wordy version of Desiderata, the
famous inspirational poem by Max Ehrmann. It was discovered on an old
computer hard disc carbon dated to 1962.
 Click here

Sports Rules
 Click here

Life's mysteries
 Click here

[Rude] Women]
 Click here

Dieting tip
 Click here

 Click here

The Beer song...
 Click here

Marbles...
 Click here

Proof the Irish discovered Africa
 Click here

Fight for Kisses
 Click here

This is quite funny make sure you watch all the way till the end.
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

Great VB ad may take a while to download, but worth it?
 Click here

The Fly
 Click here

What goes round...
 Click here

Morning brightner.....
 Click here


Anyway got to piss off now, have to report to my parole officer..

Knackers



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[ End friday humour ]

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