Friday humour - November 09, 2007
[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]
Our beloved PM won the 2001 election on a fear campaign based on terrorism.
The poor asylum seekers (those who didn't drown) had to be locked up in
Nauru for five years or so before reluctantly being allowed in.
In 2004 everything seemed tikitiboo, so our Man of Steel (who took us to
Iraq) decided on a fear campaign about interest rates. He promised record
thirty year low interest rates.
Never mind the fact that in a former life as Treasurer he's presided over
interest rates of 22%, it was always a Labor thing that interest rates in
the late 80s were 17%.
The chickens have come home to roost. Since the last election we have had
six interest rate rises!
Since taking all the credit for everything that goes right, our Mr Howard
always blames others when things go wrong.
If nothing else ...
Mr Howard was wrong to send our troops to Iraq. (Just consider how many
have died ... and what for? I mean Iraqi people)
What he's done to asylum seekers is a national disgrace. Most are
eventually recognised as refugees and allowed in. Then - why lock them up
for so many years?
Why treat David Hicks so badly? It would seem Mr Howard reached a
convenient agreement with US Vice President Cheney for a nice quiet
political outcome where David Hicks is silenced until after our coming
And the Immigration Department! Deporting a confused Australian citizen,
and later covering it up. And jailing an Australian resident for almost a
year saying she was an immigration threat.
Nobody - Mr Howard's Ministers, or public service officials (who covered
these things up), have been made to pay.
Has the Man of Steel any principals?
Then there was the AWB scandal. Our AWB giving $300 million to Sadam
Hussein ... someone Mr Howard decided to go to war with.
What a fucking disgrace!
In my day, war was the last resort. It's what you do when everything else
fails. Howard did it because he could win a few brownie point with the
discredited George W Bush.
May God help us all!
Maybe a government run by 50% Union organisers (Howard says 70%) is a good
What has Mr Howard got against them?
Let him name the ones on the other side of Australian politics that aren't
as good as his flunkies.
It would seem the Man of Steel is gone ...
Praise the Lord!
On another note we've had trouble in the Bluehaze office as the cleaner has
tripped over the cord. In this issue the pics are missing! Does this make
too much of a difference?
Sorry about that.
Tell us what you will ...
First up this week came from the Duke of Barsinov
Think before you speak
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one
is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take
the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the
Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids
in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow
job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband
didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf
balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing
for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"
THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store
that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display
the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm
just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The
boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister
has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY: While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to
grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she
would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
voice just ! as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will
tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The
silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers
stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and
walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard
when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever ! asked your child a question too many
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in
between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying
my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my
seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then realized that Danny had not
asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said
"No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I
don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you
didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have
had an accident,
because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny
did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While
30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me
for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan
laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in
the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict
snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it
was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so
This one is from Diks
Golf Definitions ...
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the
occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes
right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during
a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely
make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...
Neither of whom can putt very well. < BR An interesting thing about golf is
that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank
it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out
and for no reason at all you really stink.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might
wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work,
and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Moose sent this one in
Not in today
We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next
day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new
acquisition was no problem.
Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. 'Honey! The garbage disposal
is dead again. Please come reset it.'
'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower
pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'
There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as
extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head
under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No,
it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It
was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from
experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.
Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying
on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there,
done-that' paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife,
the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their
work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...... and
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
which it was.
'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'
If they only knew!
This came from from Burnout
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You
need to go out and fix the outhouse!"
Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."
Ma yells back, "Yes there is; now git out there and fix it."
So..... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back "Ma!
There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "
Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"
Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"
Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"
Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma!
Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"
To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!
This lot from Whizbang
Why We Love Children
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was
dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.
I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.
'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained
'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'
2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes
later.....'Da-ad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' ' I told you NO! If
you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!' Five minutes
later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to smack me, can
you bring a drink of water?'
3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,
finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought
it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep
slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in
or stay out!''
4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a
tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother
smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to
sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: 'The big sissy.'
5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's
sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was
wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister
leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter
Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on
microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'
6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old
came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember
Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's
growing in your bum?'
7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus
five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is
nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you
doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.' 'And
this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he
answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are
you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are
learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say
two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?' After the teacher stopped
she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is
8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little
to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried
to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the
farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher
paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One
little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A
talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10
9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,
'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said,
'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but
mother says I'm not.'
10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the
boys?' Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too
rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If
I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'
11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next
to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake
The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'
A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a bit
lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in the
phone books under "Escorts and Massages".
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself Erotique, a
lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in
all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the
way up. You know the kind...
So he is in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I
want it now.
I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring
implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go
hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip
anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic; But for an outside line you need to press
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a
virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheet as her husband
undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
"My darring," he whispers, "I know it is your firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give anyting you wan, I do anyting -juss anyting
you wan. You juss ask... So... Whatchu wan?" he says, trying to sound
experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try something I
have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69."
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
"You want.......... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?
Naughty Father John
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father
John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night
bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "
Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and
while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he
said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key
Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation
was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with
ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's
Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
These came from Zalaga
A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows
frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.
It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like
this would happen. The realisation of the situation then dawned on him.
With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet? How would he
feed his wife and kids? How would he pay the mortgage? He sat with his
head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to
the woman. Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of
the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full
of healthy animals. The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she
wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer. "You
know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?
"That was Thora Hird."
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like
an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road
hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night
was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly
see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John,
desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and
closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the
engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just
before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the
wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came
through the window but never harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering
strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he
rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible ordeal he
had just experienced. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised
he was crying and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were
also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John sobbing at the
bar, one said to the other:- "Look, Bruce, there's that fucking idiot that
got in the car while we were pushing it!"
UK Croydon Caz sent in this one
Crusty old Marine Sergeant Major
A crusty old Royal Marines Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of young,
extremely idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?'
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action'.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when is the last time you had sex?'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and stop taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
'relax' him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned
against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you certainly haven't forgotten
much since 1955!'
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice, 'I
hope not, it's only 2130 now.'
These are from Front Range Barbie
OJ in Hell
One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you
what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as
bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll
even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the
first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove
in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think
I could do that all day long.
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can
The devil smiled and said ...
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask for help in
reviving her husband's libido.
"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said, "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra. Just drop
the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Try it and call
me in a week to let me know how things went."
Less than a week later, the wife called the doctor to report their
She exclaimed, "Oh, faith bejeezus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was
almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and
with his pants bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the
cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then
and there! Took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I
tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband
provided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll
never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
Here's some stuff from Smithie of Nottingham
Best Come Back Line Ever
In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a
pumpkin patch 11:38 P. M. on Friday night. On Monday, at the County
courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public
indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way
home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, "You know how a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles
or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around" he stated in a telephone
Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked
out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in
it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' "Guess I was really into
it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching
police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor
approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said
Taylor. "I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this
pumpkin." Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached Aylor. "I said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're
having sex w ith a pumpkin?" He froze and was clearly very surprised that
I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said..... "A
pumpkin? ..... Shit... is it midnight already?"
The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I
should do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy
daily program I can do anywhere:
Monday: Beat around the bush. Jump to conclusions. Climb the walls. Wade
Tuesday: Drag my heels. Push my luck. Make mountains out of mole hills. Hit
the nail on the head.
Wednesday: Bend over backwards. Jump on the band wagon. Balance the books.
Run around in circles.
Thursday: Toot my own horn. Climb the ladder of success. Pull out the
Add fuel to the fire.
Friday: Open a can of worms. Put my foot in my mouth. Start the ball
rolling. Go over the edge.
Saturday: Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout! You are invited to use my program without charge!!
IS THERE ANYONE UP THERE?
A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he
stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall. In
desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging
onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was
about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the
canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death.
Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But there was no answer.
Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, "Is
anybody up there?"
A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the Lord"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Let go." Looking around, the man became full of panic.
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh ... Is there anybody else up there?"
Two drunk bums are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a
beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend. "You are wrong, that's
not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking,
so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell
us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry,
I don't live around here."
A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the
case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to
discourage other youths from a life of crime.
Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"
Boy: "Only that I'm sorry your honor."
Judge: "Hrmph. I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting
Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap!"
Judge: "Consider yourself lucky! It could have been life boy."
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas
and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man
replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha.
I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so
he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it
everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
This is where the pic files would have been.
Does it matter?
Why do you read Friday Humour?
Would you regularly read it without the pic files?
Hey - what do you want?
Time to tell ...
The Great Man - Tony - died sixteen months ago. Are we doing the right
I think we are doing what Tony would have liked, but I may be wrong.
All I can say is that I'd love to give Tony the hug that I never did.
We were so close, but I never told him so ...
More from Whizzbang
KIDS IN CHURCH
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the
way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want
to stay with you guys.'
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys
began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
'Ryan, you be Jesus!'
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran
up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay
dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then asked,
'Why did God throw him back down?'
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their
six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
These are from Anatinus
When in New York, Kevin Rudd would always visit his favourite strip joint.
(He said it helped him forget things.) But, every time he walked in, one of
the girls would call out "Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"
"Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.
Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl became a bit of
a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!" and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"
Then, on one recent visit to New York, Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to
his favourite strip joint. As they approached the place, Rudd braced
"the usual offer". Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about. He
figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for her.
As he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes.
But - sure enough - as they entered, the girl yelled out.
"See! That's what you get for five bucks!"
jokes r us
1. A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce. She answered, "Your
Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian and yet he still insists on putting his
meat in my mouth."
2. Woman: Dr. An ant entered my vagina, please take it out.
Doctor removes her panties and start making love.
Woman: What are you doing?
Doctor: This is the only way to drown the bastard!
3. Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: YOUR SALARY.
It comes once a month last 3 - 4 days & if it doesn't come you are in deep
4. A lady visited her doctor again, Dr. said: U look more sick & exhausted
then b 4. Are u having 3 meals a day as I advised? Lady: WHAT? I thought u
said 3 MALES a day!!!!
5. Women asked God to make The Penis Pretty. GOD Said" No way; Now As It
The Penis is so ugly & U still Suck It. If I make it Pretty You'll Eat It
6. A nun went 4 a urine test. The sample got mixed up. When the doctor told
her she waz pregnant, she cried n said," Shit, we can't even trust cucumber
7. A boy pulls down his pants in front of a girl & asked" Do U have this? "
The girl lifted up her skirt & said," My mom said with this I can have a
lot of THAT!"
8. Schoolgirl: I do not want to take the SEX EDUCATION. Class Teacher: Why
not? Schoolgirl: Someone told me the FINAL EXAM would be ORAL!"
9. Mother asks daughter, how is married life? Daughter shyly says like
BRITISH AIRWAYS. Mother reads the ad & is shocked " 7 DAYS A WEEK, TWICE A
DAY, BOTH WAYS!
10. What is the STRONGEST muscle? TONGUE- It can raise a woman's hip with
just one lick!. The lightest muscle? PENIS! It can be raised by a woman's
11. Lady Immigration officer asked a Korean tourist: Name? Park Yu. The
0fficer become angry & shouted back: FUCK YOU! Now what's your full name?
Korean replied: PARK YU TOO!!
12. Man to wife: Business is bad if u learn 2 cook we can remove servant.
Wife: ASSHOLE! If u learn how to fuck we can remove driver, gardener &
13. COCK say to his two BALLS: I am going to take you with me to a party.
BALLS said: You big fucking liar. You always get INSIDE and leave us
14. A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like? Mama dog reply: How I
know. Your papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his face"!
15. What's the difference between stress, tension & panic? Stress is when
wife is pregnant, tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, PANIC is when
both are pregnant!
Finally another from Nottingham Smithie
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported ...
On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd
like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."
"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice came
over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as f#&% everything has shifted."
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If
you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite.
"The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart: The
flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump,
I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile,
and give them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his
bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got
off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is
it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the
gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of Qantas."
A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
Number xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and
therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and
relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain
came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if
I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant
brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's
nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
Quote of the Week:
"I would say to the borrowers of Australia who are affected by
this change that I am sorry about that and I regret the additional
burden that will be put upon them as a result."
Australian Prime Minister - John Winston Howard
(After the sixth interest rate rise since the last election when he
promised to keep interest rates at record thirty year lows.)
[ End friday humour ]
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