Friday humour - October 26, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

Another chock-a-block week here in Friday Humour head office. We have had
so many funnies (and not so funny but crap enough to be amusing) items
sent in.  Lets get straight to the funny stuff…
The contributions this week are from Nottingham Smithie, Mark, Whizzbang,
Zalaga, Croydon Caz, Allnutts, Duke of Barsinov, KRP from Coffs Harbour,
Moose, Moose, Anatinus and Anonymous…

My favourite this week from Allnuts:
 Click here


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Bra Religion

A man walked into the ladies department of a Myer's and shyly walked up to
the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
"
"What type of bra?" asked the sales assistant.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of
this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied: “There are
the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?”
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..The Catholic type
supports the masses. The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen, The
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and The Baptist makes
mountains out of mole hills.

Bra dictionary
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
Send this to all that will appreciate it!
They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen!


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A sad but true story
Husband walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for
his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in
price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest
item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife
and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so see-through that it
might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, do the modelling naked and
return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund for myself". So she appears naked
at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good grief!
It wasn't that creased in the shop".
His funeral is this Thursday


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Book Report
 Click here Click here

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books "Titanic" & "My
Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report,
with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic:. ... cost - $29.99
Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99

Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:. .... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: ..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: ..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: ...... Let's not go there.

Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: ...  Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: ..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack____.

Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:. .... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: ..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.


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QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every
year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your
hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song
What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is
the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and
'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset
with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all
written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative
Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED and
PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the
letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a
famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er
three?

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.

RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess
of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?

BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that,
I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?

DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.

NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbor?

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea: a)
Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now,
Dale.
It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer
can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging
character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.


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When Insults Had Class:
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston
Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." --  Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." --  William Faulkner (about Ernest  Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."   -- Groucho
Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it.." --  Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."  -- Oscar
Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend.... If you have one." --  George Bernard Shaw to Winston
Churchill...
followed by Churchill's response:
 "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."
--  Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." --  John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."  --
 Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."  -- 
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."  --  Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." --  Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" 
 --  Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."  -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- 
Oscar Wilde

Lady Astoronce remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston,
if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
Winston replied, "Madam if I were your husband I would drink it!"


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An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup; the doctor asked how he
was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's
pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid
hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of
him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the
handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
The old man replied, "No, what?"
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot
the bear."
"Well”, said the doctor, “that's kind of what I'm getting at".


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Not exactly a joke but a triumph for men.

Most of this is documented scientific truth but it raises a few points that
bring balance.
Are you sick of women always telling you that girls mature quicker than
men?  Well it is true so you will have to get used to it.  But I don't
think the girls will enjoy why it is true.
When an animal gives birth the baby gets up and starts walking around
almost immediately.  It already knows to go and suck on mum's tit.  So why
is it that human babies just lay there helpless taking 12 months to walk? 
The answer is that because humans have higher level of brain functions
that develop after birth.  If these functions developed before birth they
head would not fit through the birth canal.
So lets play this piece of scientific information forward.  If women mature
quicker than men, then they must have ....... less to learn.
What!!!????!?? say the feminists
Just point them to a few basics - Reverse parking - Following a map without
having to rotate it.
- Putting a stereo system together.
- Changing a car tyre - basically anything complicated
Shall we go on?

Warning: Telling women this will not get you laid.


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The English language........????

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English
for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can
work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from
Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One
goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it
seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that
run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going
on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible.
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this. There is a two-letter
word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and
that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting,
why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP
for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We
call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has
real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP
an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be
dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped
UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We
seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper
uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list
of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if
you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it
threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say
it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP
,so........... it is time to shut UP...


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I went into the gas station today and asked for five dollars worth of
gas.....
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.


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SENIOR DATING
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy:  "That nice
George Johnson asked me out for a date.  I know you went out with him last
week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you.  He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7
P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such
beautiful flowers!  Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a
luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.  Then he takes me
out for dinner... a marvellous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and
after-dinner drinks.  Then we go see a show.  Let me tell you, Dorothy, I
enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with
me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out
with him?"
Edna:  "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."


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Stressed at work
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow
me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would
tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
(who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending
to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a
few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you
doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple
of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the Blonde)
followed me, the Boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"


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I have a big dog.  Recently, I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco
and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time. I said that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs
in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works
is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry as the food is nutritionally complete, so I
was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone
in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who
was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car had hit me.
I thought that one guy was going to have a heart attack, since he was
laughing so hard as he staggered out of the door.


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Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he
hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little
Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.  Nelson is standing
there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts
the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.  When he opens it, the
little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You
sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away!  You've got the wrong man. I
don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a
knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a
clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by
his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you
understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these
to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
says: "You not Nissan Main Deala?"


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Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I sick,
headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That
makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say, I feel great. I
be work soon.....you got nice house


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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a
timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will
be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache?  Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember:  Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know
when you might need them to empty your bedpan.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are
getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends – if they're okay, then it's you.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And now to the movies and pics sent in by Rudolf from the West, Geoff,
Diks, Moose, Allnutts, Burnout, Nottingham Smithie, Zalaga, Croydon Caz,
Duke of Barsinov, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, and Anonymous,


Ill be buggered if I can do this!!!
 Click here

WWW victim
 Click here

Here's hoping you aren't having a shitty day
 Click here

We all need this pig from time to time.....some days more than others. JUST
CLICK ON HER NOSE....she comes in handy when you are having one of those
days!
 Click here

Hay Street, Perth.
 Click here

You'd think he would have realised !!!]
 Click here

Pictures taken at the right moment
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

The best doormat ever
 Click here

All Blacks Bra
 Click here

When You Just Have To Trust The Pilot.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

LIFEGUARD
 Click here


TOP 10 HUBBLE PICTURES
Astronomers Select Top Ten Most Amazing Pictures Taken by Hubble Space
Telescope in Last 16 Years
Recently, astronauts voted on the top photographs taken by Hubble, in its
16-year journey so far. Remarking in the article from the Daily Mail,
reporter Michael Hanlon says the photos "illustrate that our universe is
not only deeply strange, but also almost impossibly beautiful."

The Sombrero Galaxy - 28 million light years from Earth - was voted best
picture taken by the Hubble telescope. The dimensions of the galaxy,
officially called M104, are as spectacular as its appearance. It has 800
billion suns and is 50,000 light years across.
 Click here

The Ant Nebula, a cloud of dust and gas whose technical name is Mz3,
resembles an ant when observed using ground-based telescopes. The nebula
lies within our galaxy between 3,000 and 6,000 light years from Earth.
 Click here

In third place is Nebula NGC 2392, called Eskimo because it looks like a
face surrounded by a furry hood. The hood is, in fact, a ring of
comet-shaped objects flying away from a dying star. Eskimo is 5,000 light
years from Earth.
 Click here

At four is the Cat's Eye Nebula
 Click here

The Hourglass Nebula, 8,000 light years away, has a pinched-in-the-middle
look because the winds that shape it a re weaker at the centre.
 Click here

In sixth place is the Cone Nebula. The part pictured here is 2.5 light
years in   length (the equivalent of 23 million return trips to the Moon).
 Click here

The Perfect Storm, a small region in the Swan Nebula, 5,500 light years
away, described as 'a bubbly ocean of hydrogen and small amounts of
oxygen, sulphur and other elements'.
 Click here

Starry Night, so named because it reminded astronomers of the Van Gogh
painting. It is a halo of light around a star in the Milky Way.
 Click here

The glowering eyes from 114 million light years away are the swirling ores
of two merging galaxies called NGC 2207 and IC 2163 in the distant Canis
Major constellation.
 Click here

The Trifid Nebula. A 'stellar nursery', 9,000 light years from here, it is
where new stars are being born.
 Click here


Dog For Sale: OR free to good home.
Answers to the name of Roger.
Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more thieves,
murderers, rapists or molesters left in the neighbourhood for him to eat. 
Most of them knew him as "holy &*#$@!!"
 Click here

Useful Screen Cleaner
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
OK. Your screen is clean.  Now send it on to someone else

What is a hillbilly?
This is a "Hillbilly"................
 Click here

Where is he????
 Click here


Welcome to Romania
Be warned, some of these images are really awful; lots of ingenuity in
appalling poverty, hard to believe they were taken in Europe...
 Click here

Small Farm Equipement
I took this photo of the well endowed statue of the proverbial Mallee Bull
that stand in the main street of Birchip, Victoria. The business across
the road is, ironically, called Smale (small) Farm Equipment - as per the
less visible (or is that less eye catching?) sign. Geoff
 Click here

Hold your breath
 Click here

MIRACLES DO HAPPEN !!!!!
 Click here

Scary - Popular New Ride at the Texas State Fair
 Click here

Springboard
 Click here

The Holy Shit Rollercoaster
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Italian Chewing Gum]
 Click here

Mensa_Puzzle
 Click here

Cut the crap...
 Click here

Make my day...
 Click here

Beat the odds...
 Click here Click here

Omnipresent
 Click here


 Click here Click here

You can't do this with a Tea Bag!
 Click here

Burnouts
 Click here

Foreplay Music
 Click here

Nissan TVC - (READ BEFORE WATCHING VIDEO)
I'm sure you have heard the term, "INDEPENDENT FRONT SUSPENSION," but may
not know exactly what it means. Basically, when one front wheel of a
vehicle hits a bump or pothole, it will move up or down to compensate
while the other wheel remains steady. Both wheels are independent of each
other, hence that expression. Watch the attached video, a German
commercial for the Nissan Pathfinder, to find out exactly how this works.
This gives a moving experience which should benefit your understanding of
this engineering marvel.
 Click here

Never swallow sea water
 Click here

True blue?
 Click here

Animator v Animation
 Click here

CLASSIC Fox Sports News
Look in the back ground to the right.
 Click here

Greetings
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here

 Click here

Fishing For .....DEER ????
Read through then look at the pictures.........
Last Saturday morning, my buddy Bo Warren and I were trolling for stripers
in the Chesapeake Bay. We were 1 1/2 miles offshore in about 80 feet of
water contemplating why the fish weren't biting. We looked back to check
our gear and saw something odd in the water. Was it a seal? Can't be, we
don't have seals around here. On closer look, it turned out to be a buck
deer that was WAY off course. He was desperate and barely staying afloat.
I've seen deer swim a river or bayou before. When you see that, the first
thing you notice is that they are powerful swimmers. Their head and
shoulders are out of the water and they make surprisingly good headway.
This critter was just keeping his nose up and looked like he'd been
swimming all night long. In fact, he was so worn out that he swam toward
the boat probably thinking it looked enough like land to him.
When he got closer though, he wasn't sure what to make of the two dudes on
board, and backed off. So, since the fish weren't biting, we thought we'd
give this buck a hand.
Turns out Bo grew up around cows and was really handy with a bowline. He
lassoed the deer on the first try! Bo grabbed his neck, I grabbed the
flank, and we barreled him over backwards into the boat. Before I knew it,
Bo was on top of him and had him tied up just like a calf.
We hit the throttle and shuttled him to the closest beach - Kent Point. I
beached the boat and we carefully unloaded the deer onto the sand. The
whole time we kept thinking he was going to kick the snot out of us. He
never did though; he was totally spent. We untied him and jumped back. To
weak to stand, he just sat there quivering. We even picked him up again
and put his feet underneath him, but he still couldn't walk. Don't know if
he made it or not, but I think his chances were vastly improved. Hopefully
he recovered after time. When you're out & about, ya just never know.....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Cubism
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that's all we have this week folks.
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