Friday humour - October 19, 2007

[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


At last the overdue election has been announced.  And on the first day of
the marathon six week campaign our fiscally conservative Prime Minister
brought the first rabbit out of his hat ... $34 billion of tax cuts for
Mind you, those on higher tax levels get by far the biggest benefits.  Why
am I not surprised?

Mr Howard was the Treasurer who created "the Fistful of Dollars" election
bribe when Malcolm Frazer was PM.  He also as Treasurer presided over
interest rates of 21% in 1982.  Nothing has changed ...

During his eleven and a half years as PM, Mr Howard has reduced the
proportion of Commonwealth spending on public hospitals compared to the
States.  Yet he continues to blame the States for everything.  Why not put
some of this $34 billion windfall into hospitals?

Let us hope that Opposition Leader Kevin Rudd doesn't do a "me too" on
Hopefully Labor will promise to spend this (our!) money on services and
infrastructure.  Hospitals, education, dental treatment, rail, ports, and
other major projects.  It would also be nice to see the poor old
pensioners get a share.

Australia's economy has been booming for the last 15 years.  And what have
we got to show for it?  Nothing ... except the claim that there is no
And of course there isn't any debt.  The Howard government has been the
highest taxing government in the world.  It hordes a war chest of money
and flings it about every three years prior to an election.

Australia deserves better!

This joke came in from  Stephen the Joker.  It says it all.


1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.

2. Name it "John Howard"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of "John

6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button.

7. Repeat, as required.


We start with a collection from the irrespressable Whizzbang

                               ID problem Queensland

Brisbane Airport Customs ...

A bloke named Bill, on vacation overseas, lost his wallet and all
identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his way home
Queensland, but is stopped by the Australian Customs at Brisbane airport.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the customs officer.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the bloke.

"Sure mate, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," says the customs

"But I can prove I'm a Queenslander!" he exclaims. "I have a picture of Joe
Bjelke-Peterson tattooed on one butt cheek and Rob Borbidge on the other."

"This I've got to see," replies the customs bloke.

With that, Bill drops his pants and shows the officer.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the officer. "Welcome back to

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know for sure I was from Queensland?"

The agent replies, "I recognized Peter Beattie in the middle."


                                   Pulling teeth

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled.  The dentist pulls
out a freezing needle to give the man.

"No way! No needles! I hate needles!" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

"I can't do the gas thing - the thought of having the gas mask on is
suffocating to me!"

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

"No,"- the patient says, -"I am fine with pills".

The dentist then returns and says, "Here is a Viagara tablet."

The patient says, "Wow - I didn't know Viagara worked as a pain pill!"

"It doesn't,"- said the dentist -"but it will give you something to  hold
onto when I pull out your tooth.


                                     He's A Goner

A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held
back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he
had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his
slow-driving habits.

"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5
miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one
piece of clothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 65 MPH mark,
so she took off her blouse. At 70 off came the pants. At 75 it was her
bra... and at 80 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time... and travelling faster than he
ever had before... he became very excited and lost control of the car. He
veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree!

His girlfriend was not hurt, but he was trapped.

She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get
help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to
put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck
driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to
hear her story.

"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am,
if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"


                                      THE HAT

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat
tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to
be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high

"Yes, I know," said the lady. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your
privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything
you see down there is 85 years old.  I just bought this hat yesterday!"


This came from Zalaga in Nottingham

                                  WOMAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 21 April

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and
distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered
if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed. I asked him what was
but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed.
I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave
a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came
up later and, to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant
and a bit cold. Cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me
maybe he's found someone else.

                                 MAN'S DIARY:

Saturday 21 April

Liverpool lost. Gutted. Got a shag though.


Burnout sent in this stuff

                                    "Book of Manners"

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

**** DINING OUT ****

1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
covering the label.

2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may
not have dogs.


1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners


1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days;
if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewellery and alter the taste of finger foods.

**** DATING (Outside the Family) ****

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
"Ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

**** WEDDINGS ****

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special

5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the


1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded,
and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.

5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

6. Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.


                                 Outsourcing Life Line

I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called Life Line.

I was put through to a 'call centre' in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a
truck or fly an aeroplane....


Here's some stuff from Diks

                                      New Bride......

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who
knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She
hangs onto
Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry

"I lied about my age," Bob replies

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."


                                Top Ten Reasons...........

You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your Balance and
fall over.

6. People say: "Great Boris Karloff Mask," And you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or ." And can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

And the number one reason Seniors should not go Trick Or Treating...
1. You keep having to go home to pee.

No matter, have a HAPPY HALLOWEEN anyway.


This is from new contributor Front Range Barbie

                                      Beer vs Vagina

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between
your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene,
kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get
mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had
depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call
it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one
night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer.
If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you
smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina
and you'll think you've seen God One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping off a beer bottle lable is boring. Ripping off panties is fun.
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there is a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a
can. One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have a choice: clear, dark, pissner, ale, lager,
etc. One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost. One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother. One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an ahour after you drink it.
One point to BEER

20. Tapping a keg . . . easy. Tapping a vagina . . . may take you weeks.
One point to BEER

Final score: 11 BEER / 8 VAGINA

That's it. The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or
discriminated against, just remember that BEER would experience none of
those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER


To the pics now ... and they're from Whizzbang, Diks, Croydon Caz, The
Moose, Allnutts, Free Range Barbie, Muse, Stonefish, Auntie One, Smithie of
Nottingham, Digi Maria, Burnout, Trina, and Swinburne Sue.

Ain't revenge great!!!!!!!!
 Click here Click here

Pearl Harbour photos taken on a brownie camera from Aunty One
 Click here

The Lazy FOX
 Click here

Nude Bondage Chick
 Click here

Ever See a Panda Bear Grow?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Nice one
 Click here

Rare playmates in the wild
Amazing, and he must not have been hungry :-)  Stuart Brown describes
Norbert Rosing's  striking images of a wild polar bear playing with sled
dogs in the wilds of Canada's Hudson Bay.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

New bed for men..........
Someone finally developed a bed for men.
Available only at "Butts, Boobs and Beyond".
 Click here

How to tell if you're not Mom's Fav.......
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

Things that make you say OMG
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Can you girls draw like this... :-)
 Click here

Welcome to Romania
 Click here

Peaceful sleep
 Click here

Smile....this works
 Click here

Things you may find in your garden, be careful what you plant
 Click here

 Click here

Poor Daffy
 Click here

 Click here

Memory Test
 Click here

Anger Management
Sometimes when you are angry with someone,
it helps to sit down and think about the problem
 Click here

Seafood restaurant - you wont believe it!
 Click here

Why men shouldn't take phone messages...
 Click here

Great Photos
 Click here

Kids need space...
 Click here

Best of friends
 Click here

Hmm are you a dog or cat lover????
 Click here

 Click here

Grandpa's trout
 Click here

 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

First male engineer
 Click here

Just one question?
 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

 Click here

Stupid Dog...Stupid Cat
 Click here Click here

15 reasons y u should play golf...
 Click here

Press photo OF THE YEAR
 Click here

Not an illusion any more
 Click here

 Click here


This lots is from Smithie in Sherwood Forest

                                     Heart Murmur

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was
listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"

The man asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"

"No", replied the man.

"Do you drink in excess?"


"Do you have a sex life?"

"Yes, I do!"

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to
give up half your sex life".

 Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half... the LOOKING or the


                              GETTING RID OF THE CAT

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he
was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same
thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would
always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past
the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife. "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "Put the cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need


                                 IMAGES OF MOTHER

4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....


                          Letter from a computer Widow

My Dear Husband,

I am sending you this letter via this internet communications thing, so
that you will be sure to read it.

Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been
going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago ...

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome
boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family
portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of
your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at
that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers
that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand
day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it
really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has
taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all. I
discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that
you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze.

The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm
sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop
sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is
taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a
housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things
in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the
way you like it.

I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your
disks are booting.

Love, Your Wife


                                   Anyone for Vodka?

SYDNEY (AFP) - Australian doctors revealed Wednesday that they drip-fed an
Italian tourist a steady dose of vodka over three days to save his life
after he poisoned himself.

The 24-year-old man was taken to a north Queensland hospital two months ago
after he swallowed a large amount of a potentially-fatal substance found in
antifreeze in an apparent suicide attempt. Doctors at Mackay Base Hospital
decided the best method of saving the unconscious man's life was to
reverse the effect of the poison, ethylene glycol, by giving him
pharmaceutical-grade alcohol.

Dr Pascal Gelperowicz said that once the hospital's alcohol supplies ran
out doctors sent out for a case of vodka and the unusual drip was set up.

"We quickly used all the available vials of 100 percent alcohol and decided
the next best way to get alcohol into the man's system was by feeding him
spirits through a nasal-gastric tube," Gelperowicz said.

His colleague Dr Todd Fraser said the patient was given about three
standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit.
"Fortunately for him, he was in a medically induced coma for a good
portion of that," he told the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. "By the
time he woke up, I think his hangover would have well and truly gone."

Although unusual, the treatment was approved by hospital officials. "The
hospital's administrators were also very understanding when we explained
our reasons for buying a case of vodka," Fraser said. The patient regained
full health and was discharged from hospital after 20 days.


These from Allnutts

                                     One below par

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she
knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and
you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her
and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind
so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting
at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink
to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and
asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he
said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper
so I'm STILL one hole behind you .


                            BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE

This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turned 31. Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday
she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting
everything in her mouth. They grow up so fast, don't they?


A quickie from Croydon Caz

                                        A Bad Day

On the way to the station this morning, I rear-ended a car.

Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day. The driver got out of the
other car, and he was a dwarf, poor bastard. He looked at his dented car
and then looked up at me and said, "I am not happy."

So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...


This came from KRP in beautiful Coffs Harbour

                                The Construction Site

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese bloke are hired at a construction

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy

To the Irishman he says "You; shovelling."

And to the Chinese guy, "You; supplies."

"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent
in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours, and when he returns, the
pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies "I didn'ta have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was
in a charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I coulda no find him."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Scotsman replies , "Aye, ye did lad. But I couldna get meself a shovel.
Ye left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn'a find him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand
looking for the Chinese bloke...

Just then, the Chinese bloke springs out from behind the pile of sand and


Finally this one from Whizzbang

                             TOP FOUR ADULT JOKES

*Fourth Place:*

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes
into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in Room 221.."

* Third Place :*

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his
wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

* Runner-Up*

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but
Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later,
Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh... she got fired too."

* Winner*

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,

"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table

"I know," the old man said.

"We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples
are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.

"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


Quotes of the Week:

                                       "It's 6.25."

       John Winston Howard
      (asked on A Current Affair to name the official cash rate)

When it was pointed out that it's actually 6.5 he went on to say ...

                                         "Oh ..."


[ End friday humour ]

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