Friday humour - October 05, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

It has been another big week in sport here in Oz.  In the AFL (Australian
Football League) the Geelong football club broke their 44 year drought by
walloping their opponents, Port Adelaide by 119 points.  In the NRL
(National Rugby League) Melbourne Storm thumped Manly by 26 points.  The
spring racing carnival is about to start and also the summer cricket
season is due to commence with visiting teams from Sri Lanka, New Zealand
and India.   It is amazing that Australia, a country with a relatively
small population, is amongst the top sporting teams in the world.
Now, onto the humour with my favourite this week from Digi Maria
"The proper way to answer the door”
 Click here


Another huge edition of Friday Humour with contributions from The Great
Gussius, Diks, Darwin Jon, Burnout, Zalaga, Allnutts, Nottingham Smithie,
Aunty one, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang and Anonymous…


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The Wedding Night

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum
if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue."


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Spare Change
Luciano Pavarotti arrives at the Pearly Gates to find St Peter exitedly
waiting for him,
St Peter Says......" Luciano Pavarotti its very good to have you here in
Heaven ,we have been waiting for your arrival for years. I've been
instructed by the big Guy to bring you to see him the moment you arrive
here so if you would be so kind to follow me "
St Peter goes of on the big road up through the clouds to meet the big guy
with Luciano close behind till they arrive at the base of an enormous
podium
A big voice then booms out "WHO GOES THERE ? "
At which St Peter says...


.....


.....


.....


.....


......


"Don't worry God, its just me St Peter......here's that Tenor I owed you


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Typical Jewish Mother?
Jewish Mother: “Hello?”
Daughter: “Hi Mum.   Can I leave the kids with you tonight?”
Jewish Mother: “You're going out?”
Daughter: “Yes.”
Jewish Mother: With whom?”
Daughter: “With a friend.”
Jewish Mother: “I don't know why you left your husband.   He is such a good
man.
Daughter: I didn't leave him.  He left me!”
Jewish Mother: “You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies
and nobodies.”
Daughter: “I do not go out with anybody.   Can I bring over the kids?”
Jewish Mother: “I never left you to go out with anybody except your
father.”
Daughter: “There are lots of things that you did and I don't.”
Jewish Mother: “What are you hinting at?”
Daughter: “Nothing.  I just want to know if I can bring the kids over
tonight.”
Jewish Mother: “You're going to stay the night with him?   What will your
husband say if he finds out?”
Daughter: “My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day
he left me, he probably never slept alone!”
Jewish Mother: “So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?”
Daughter: “He's not a loser.”
Jewish Mother: “A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a
loser and a parasite.”
Daughter: “I don't want to argue.   Should I bring over the kids or not?”
Jewish Mother: “Poor children with such a mother.”
Daughter: “Such a what?”
Jewish Mother: “With no stability.  No wonder your husband left you.”
Daughter: “ENOUGH!!!”
Jewish Mother: “Don't scream at me.  You probably scream at this loser
too!”
Daughter: “Now you're worried about the loser?”
Jewish Mother: “Ah, so you see he's a loser.  I spotted him immediately.”
Daughter: “Goodbye, mother.”
Jewish Mother: “Wait! Don't hang up!  When are you bringing them over?”
Daughter: “I'm not bringing them over!  I'm not going out!”
Jewish Mother: “If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?”


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An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life.
.....till the boat sank.
The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. After about four
months he is lying on the beach one day, wondering if he'll ever get off
the island, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you get
here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed here when
my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he said, "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with
you."
"Oh, this?" replied the woman "I made the rowboat out of raw material that
I found on the island, the oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I
wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a
eucalyptus tree."
"But--but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools or
hardware, how did you manage?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman, "on the south side of the
island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found
that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into
forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make
the hardware.
The guy was stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the
man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a
stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the
man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually "It's not much, but I call
it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed, "can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about a
pina colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down
on her couch to talk.
After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to
slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a   shower
and shave, there is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in
the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a
hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines--strategically
positioned--and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit
down next to her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to
him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely.
There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something
you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stared into his
eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean..." he replied, "...I
can check my e-mail from here?"


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Subject: Lessons for men

Classes for Men at The Adult Learning Center
Registration must be completed
Note: due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, class
sizes will be limited to 8 participants maximum.

Class 1
How To Make Ice Cubes--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM .

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures
and Explanatory Graphics. Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video. Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours
beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups. Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00
PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And
Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum . Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes. Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00
PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations. 4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing . Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be
determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques. Meets 4 weeks,
Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered. Three nights;
Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven-- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration. Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the
survivors.


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The Joys of Waxing - Not mine!
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play
with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind
for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the
medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those
"cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips
together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press
them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I
get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"
yeah…right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It
works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do
this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body
hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move
north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the
ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and
stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to
normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip!
There's no hair on it.
Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.
I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake --- remember my foot is still propped up
on the toilet--- I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down.
*&!@%$ !!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
*hoo-hoo*? -- Sealed shut!
Butt?? -- Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop
off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
right???
WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only
thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them
glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot
water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few
months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my
butt and hoo-hoo are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hoo-hoo?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of
the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various
solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels
better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut,
stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax
off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this
event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point?
I rub some on and . . .
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I
successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.
I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......Now that's funny ........

Notttttttttt!!!!!!!


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Three Aboriginals are sitting at the local shops in Meekathara
The first bloke says to his mate "Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with
yourmoney from da government?"
Jeffrey says " I'm gonna buy Arnhem land, dat's good land up der bloke"
Then Jeffry says to Lewis " Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?"
Lewis says " I'm gonna buy Gibson land.. Nice place round der ai"
Then Lewis says to Neville "Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy there
bloke?"
Neville replys " I'm gonna buy LIQUOR LAND"


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Before and After

Before Marriage...
He: Yes. At last! It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage...
Simply read from bottom to top.


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An Arab had spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of
water. It got so bad that his camel died of thirst. He crawled through the
sands, certain that he was breathing his last breath, when suddenly, he
saw a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered that he
had a Manischewitz wine bottle. It appeared that there may be a drop or two
left in the bottle, so he unscrewed the top, and out popped a genie. BUT
this was no ordinary genie. This genie appeared to be a Chasidic Rabbi,
complete with black alpaca coat, black hat, side curls, and tzitzies.
"Vell kid," said the genie, "you know how it voiks. You got three vishes."
"I'm not going to trust you,' says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
Jewish genie!"
"Vott'ya you got to lose? Looks ta me - you're a gonner anyvay!"
The Arab thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was
right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis, with plentiful food and
drink."

** * * * * * *P O O  F* * * * * * * *  *

The Arab found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen and he
was surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"Okee-dokee kiddo, vat's your second vish?"
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

** * * * * * P O O F * * * * * * * * *

The Arab found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare old
coins and precious  gems.
"Okay kid, you got just vone more vish. Better you should make it a good
vone!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says, "I wish that no matter
where I go, beautiful women will always need and want me  !"

** * * * * * * *P O O  F* * * * *  *

He was turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
If you're an Arab doing business with a Jewish genie, there's going to be a
string  attached.


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Ask yourself,  Am I gay?

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It
means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the
rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and  doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo.  A cat is like a dog, but
gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a
delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And
just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your
ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come
to daddy, snookums!"  Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such
nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord.  A straight man only sucks on
BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet,
anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.  A man's world is his
bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee.  A straight man will
never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte".  If you've put a Decaf Soy
Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of non standard colours or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well
be handing out free ass passes.  A real man doesn't have memory space in
his brain to remember all of that crap.  If you can pick out chartreuse or
you know what a "friseur" is you're gay.  And if you can name ANY type of
textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle.  A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off.  The rest of the time he needs that
hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because
you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the
verge on being a fudgepacker.

   Ask yourself: Am I Gay?


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Beware of a Very Dangerous Virus.
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, your family or
anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!!!
This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two
good friends to the nearest grocery store.  Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


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What do deer think? (Verified "true" by snopes.com)
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being
interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The
discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of
a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you
the one who killed my brother?' "
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they
care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'
"
   The interview ended at that point.


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Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support Team: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife
1.0. I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into
all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies
7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever
selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
to run my favourite applications. I'm thinking about going back to
Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a
Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and
is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!! ! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You
cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow
this. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the
environment. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the
command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0
is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0
comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook
1.5 and Do Laundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these
programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag
9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0
is to purchase additional software. I recommend Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install
SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0
and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support...


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ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS
*Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.
*Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated.
*Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
*Now is your chance to have your ears pierced. Get an extra pair to take
home.
*A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.
*Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
*We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
*Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
*For Sale -- Three canaries of undermined sex.
*Lost -- Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
*For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.


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WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS
Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that
one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS
before anyone asked if he was feeling okay. George Turklebaum, 51, who had
been employed as a proof-reader at a New York firm for 30 years, had a
heart attack in the open plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He
quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning
when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each
morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he
was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was
always absorbed in his work and kept much to himself." A post mortem
examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a
coronary. Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical
textbooks when he died.
You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
And the moral of the story: Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway!


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ADVERTISING
*In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here
*On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off
Bridge
*On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but
we've got gas.
*At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone
caught hanging from the rim will be suspended
*On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post
will be closed for Yom Kippur
*In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken
*In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist
will be here


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TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED A BAD SECRETARY 10 Files all documents under "D"
for "Document".
9 Types 60 words a week.
8 Autopsies on her last 5 bosses show lethal amounts of White-Out.
7 "Flu attacks" suspiciously coincide with Yankees home day games.
6 Wears inappropriately short skirts, no matter how many times you tell him
not to.
5 Will only dispense "petty cash" to Tom Petty or one of the Heartbreakers.
4 Instead of chatting by water cooler, goes 30 miles away to chat by
reservoir.
3 You asked if anyone called--he said, "I'm not here to talk about the
past, I'm here to talk about the present."
2 Every night tries to fax self home.
1 Filed a sexual harassment lawsuit because you asked her to take
dictation.


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THE PARROT AND HAMSTER
A man went into a pub and said to the landlord, "If you give me free drinks
all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night
and drink lots and lots."
"Oh yes," says the landlord. "How are you going to do that?"
The man gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The
hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music
anyone had ever heard.
"That's amazing," says the landlord. "Have you got anything else?" The man
gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster
begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along – sounding just
like Pavarotti. Everyone in the pub is amazed and stays all night drinking
and listening to the hamster and parrot.
The landlord is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them
to me?" he asks.
The man shook his head "no".
"Will you sell just one then?" asks the landlord.
"OK, I'll sell you the parrot for 50 pounds," the man says.
The landlord is delighted and hands over the money. Another man standing
next to the man who owned the hamster said, "You're a bit stupid selling
that clever parrot for only fifty pounds."
"No, I'm not," the man replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist!"


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A FAILED POET
I'd like to write a poem
And one that doesn't rhyme
But it's harder than I realized
I'm failing all the time
I eradicated couplets
All triplets and quatrains
I modified the rhythm
But had to start again!
And then I thought I'd cracked it
And produced non rhyming verse
But in the end
The thing I'd penned
Was infinitely worse
So I've come to the conclusion
I'm a rhyming man at heart
So I'm going to write a limerick
And see if I can be more successful


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Wedding night
A couple on their wedding night, lots of anticipation in the air, when the
bride says "I need to confess something to you; I used to work as a
hooker".
Well, the husband is a bit taken aback but he's a generous man and anyway
he is a bit titillated by the news and thinks it might actually be a bit
stimulating....
"Well" he says " the past is the past and it isn’t going to affect how I
feel about you , but, just to clear the air, will you give me  some
details darling?"
"Ok" she says....
"My name used to be Nigel and I played hooker for Neath!"


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PLANS OF THE CRAZY
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have
improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head
of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to
interview him first. "Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are
considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I
do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a
nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons
research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself
to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult
and stressful."
"Marvellous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be
said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of
scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science
for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my
experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue
to be a teakettle."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


5 DOCTORS GO DUCK HUNTING
Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a
general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a
pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to
react was the general practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then
hesitated.
"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get
a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.
Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead
on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights
and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more
investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.
Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun
shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I
know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird
disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.
Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed
skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his
smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him, "Go see
if that was a duck, will you?"


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TOP TIPS
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves
the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for
shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy
audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator
pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old
rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the
passengers.


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SHORT ONES
Medical research has now confirmed that marijuana use has definite
medicinal properties for treatment of glaucoma and other illnesses. The
IRS has now ruled that expenses of medicinal marijuana can be deducted as
a medical expense ... but only if you file a joint return.

Fleet Bank in Boston ran a marketing campaign in 2002 for the United Way on
their ATMs. It features the slogan, "Put Yourself In The Way," to inspire
you to contribute to the United Way. While you're waiting for your ATM
transaction to complete, the screen displays a marketing photo of a
disabled athlete, muscular and smiling, in his wheelchair. Nice and
wholesome... Well, almost. Beneath that man in his wheelchair is the
caption, "He Put Himself in the Way."

"Scientists say they've located the gene that causes obesity.
Yeah. His name is Gene Millman and he's the inventor of Krispy Kreme
doughnuts." - Conan O'Brien

My husband was telling colleagues about his involvement with our local YMCA
Indian Guides and Indian Princesses programs. His Indian name was Walking
Deer, he told them. Our daughter was Little Fawn, and our son, Running
Deer.
"What do you call your wife!" one co-worker asked.
"Yes Dear," my husband replied.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This is dedicated to all the folks who have to take pills or SHOTS...
I'm Taking My Pills!!
A row of bottles on my shelf caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I hope to pop goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take, goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot, tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain,
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to sneeze,
or cough, or choke or even wheeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones so big and bright,
stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know,
is what tells each one where to go?


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Sex (This is Actually a Clean Joke)
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked
him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides
that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to
get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and
the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mum told me to tell you that dinner would be
ready in just a couple of secs."


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THE BEGINNING
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the Earth. He was immediately
slapped with a class action suit for failing to file an environmental
impact statement. God was granted a temporary permit for the project but
was stymied with the cease-and-desist order for the Earthly part.
At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the officials
demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining?
What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He was
granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would
result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit and
that, to conserve energy, he would turn the light off half the time.
God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the darkness "night".
Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the Earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed." The
EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting life;
and the fowl that may fly over the Earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of
Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the
Audubongelic Society.
Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the project
in six days. Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review the
application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period before .....
At that point, God created hell.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


SMOKER'S PRAYER
Heavenly Father, hear my plea,
and grant my lungs serenity.
Give me strength to kick the smoking that's been causing all my choking.
Let my breath be fresh and clean without a trace of nicotine.
Guide me by your holy means past all those cigarette machines.
I ask your help and it's no wonder
'cause if I don't quit, I'm six feet under.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Reasons To Allow Drinking At Work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communication.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to
hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. It increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
realize it.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes conversations easier.
13. It promotes honesty.
14. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
15. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
16. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
17. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.


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Scientists in Japan are leaping for joy after succeeding in breeding
see-through frogs.
Quite frankly I don't understand what they are so excited about, we have
been doing that with politicians for decades.
Transparent fishes are nothing new, but Professor Masayuki Sumida says this
is the world's first see through four-legged animal.
The Professors at Hiroshima University created the animals to help
scientific research because internal organs and blood vessels can be
observed without dissecting the amphibian.
Frogs are frequently used in science but such projects have come in for
increased criticism from animal protection groups. The frogs were created
after scientists discovered certain recessive genes resulted in
pale-skinned frogs, and second generations of pairs of frogs with
recessive genes produced the transparent offspring. They're not completely
clear just yet though because there is still a yellow pigment in the frog's
skin.


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old groaners.......

A buxom woman walked into a church topless.
The priest saw her and said "Excuse me young lady, you must be suitably
attired to come in here."
"I have a divine right!" she said.
"You have a divine left too" said the priest "But to come in to my church
you have to put on a shirt!"


A man walking past a chemist shop saw a sign painted on the window -
"Licorice Allsorts $2.99 kg". Below that was another sign - "Condoms
personally fitted".
He went inside, walked up to the counter and said to the attractive woman
shop assistant: "Are you the one who personally fits the condoms?"
"Yes" she said "What can I do for you?"
"Wash your hands, I want half a kilogram of licorice allsorts."


Grandpa was 95 years old, bedridden and not long for this world. He had
been a bit of lad in his younger years so the relatives chipped in to hire
an expensive hooker to make his last days as happy as possible.
The attractive young woman walked in to the old man's room dressed
seductively, complete with fishnet stockings.
"What can I do for you, young lady?" he asked.
"I'm here to give you Super Sex" said the woman.
"I'll have the soup" replied the old man.


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What's a specimen
Paddy had not been well these last few days. He was moping around the
house, moaning and groaning until his wife finally had enough.
"Its off to the doctor with you me lad. And don't dare come back until
you've seen him."
So Paddy went to the doctor and was back in 4 hours after a detour via the
pub.
"Well Paddy, what did the doctor say? And don't tell me its dehydration"
"Well, he poked and prodded for a bit, den he took me blood pressure and
told me to come back tomorrow with a specimen."
"What's a specimen?"
Don't know, he didn't say" said Paddy.
"You idiot, the doctor is closed now. What are you to do? I know" said the
wife "O'Reilly next door, his son is a medical man. He's sure to know what
a specimen is"
"20 years ago me and O'Reilly had a fight and we haven't spoken since"
"You old fool, I bet you can't even remember what the argument was about.
Take this bottle of whisky and go next door and offer him a drink and then
ask him to tell you what a specimen is"
So off he went to visit O'Reilly. He knocked on the door and O'Reilly
opened it. "What do you want you bastard" said O'Reilly.
"20 years ago we had an argument and I'll be blowed if I can remember what
it was about. So I brought over a bottle of whisky to have a drink."
"Well dats different, come on in old buddy" said O'Reilly.
7 hours later paddy crawled back home. He had two black eyes, cuts and
scratches, ripped shirt - he was a mess.
"What da hell happened to you!" said his wife.
"Don't know" replied Paddy. "Can't understand it at all at all. We started
off with a drink and talked about the good old days, then another drink
and another and another. Then O'Reilly brought out a bottle and we had a
drink or two to celebrate that. Then I remembered. All I said was
"O'Reilly, What's a specimen?"
He said "Piss in a bottle", then I said "Well, shit in yer hat ya bastard"
and that's when the fight started.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Job Opportunity
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a
woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun.  "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair.  Kill Her!!!"
"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your
wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with
tears in his eyes, I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to
kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.
This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with
the chair."

MORAL  : Women are evil  Don't mess with  them


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And now to the movies and pics sent in by Rudolf from the West, Diks,
Burnout, Darwin Jon , Moose, Allnutts, Whizzbang, David at Sutherland,
Nottingham Smithie, Digi Maria, Muse and Anonymous,


Check out the wedding pics on this site and see if any of them remind you
of your big day. Click here

Roistering buttocks
 Click here

Confusing
Count them and wait!
Count them again after the picture has changed . . .
This will drive you crazy!
WHERE DOES THE EXTRA MAN COME FROM? don't ask me; I haven't figured it out
yet, that's why I sent it to you.
 Click here

Wrongly accused held for 70 years
 Click here

How to be banned from Disneyland - mother and daughter banned for life.
 Click here

Camouflage Super!!!!!!!!!
 Click here

CELEBRITY MANSIONS
John Travolta
 Click here
Halle Berry
 Click here
Oprah
Oprah's got 14 bathrooms and 10 fireplaces in this $55 mil Montecito, CA
estate.
 Click here
J-lo & Marc Anthony
 Click here
Arnold & Maria Schwarzenegger
 Click here
Eddie Murphy
 Click here
Billy Joel
 Click here
Will & Jada Smith
 Click here
Rod Stewart
 Click here
Brad Pitt
 Click here
Courteney Cox and David Arquette
 Click here
Sylvester Stallone
 Click here
Jerry Sienfeld
 Click here
Britney Spears
 Click here

Cue Benny Hill music
 Click here

Drink
 Click here

A clever sport...
 Click here

Things you shouldn't find in your garden
 Click here

The history of the middle finger...(might be true)
 Click here

Where is my Dozer
 Click here

The Wave
 Click here

Why dogs bite Some people
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

For those who didn't know before...
 Click here

Air Force Salute
 Click here
-

Circuits  -  Interesting concept............
 Click here

Family Planning in the UK
 Click here

Foulball
 Click here

This is Gold - You don't need words with this!
 Click here

Not quiet Teddy Whitten's Inspiration.....3/4 time rev up!
 Click here

Stress Test NOT FOR KIDS
Are the patterns moving? Or are they perfectly still??
 Click here Click here Click here
The patterns are used to test the level of stress a person can handle. The
slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.
Alleged criminals that were tested see them spinning around madly.
However, senior citizens and kids see them standing still.
None of these images are animated - they are perfectly still.
If you did NOT see any movement in the patterns, look closely at the
following photo.
 Click here
Senior citizens ... if you don't see movement in this photo, Call an
Ambulance.

A message to you...
 Click here

Crazy Kama Sutra
 Click here


Even though this picture is graphic it is very interesting all the same.
Read the story below before looking at the photo!!!  But be brave the
picture is definitely worth looking at.
Pack of Dogs Attacking a Crocodile in Kruger Park. At times nature can be
cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice
manifested within that cruelty.
The crocodile, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally
considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented "team
work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and
"survival of the pack -mentality" bred into the canines.
See the remarkable photograph attached, courtesy of Nature Magazine.
Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the croc' preventing it from
breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from
thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the croc'.
 Click here

Bad Day
 Click here Click here
Even when you are having a really bad day, someone will still screw you.

3 Yr Old Painter-quite an amazing talent
 Click here

Last words? Click here

Mother Barramundi was out swimming with her young brood when they spotted a
wobbler.
"Mother what`s that"? the young ones asked.
"That`s that bloody whore your father disappeared with"!
 Click here

I warned him not to cheat on me
 Click here

The average Port Adelaide girl
 Click here

"What the difference between the Twin Towers and Port Power?
Nothing....they both come crashing down in September"
Q. What do you do for a drowning Power player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
Special Offer! Buy one Port Adelaide football team, and they'll throw in
the towel!
 Click here Click here Click here

anonymous
 Click here Click here Click here Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that's all we have this week folks.
Keep the contributions coming to contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au
Use the address management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au to contact the
keepers of this site and the weekly mailout.
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Sender's contributions are acknowledged by name unless anonymity is
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removed on request (or attribution supplied, your call).



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