Friday humour - September 28, 2007



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


We have had lies from the Man of Steel over the cherry-picked intelligence
that was used to support the invasion of Iraq, the children overboard
affair, and what was known and not known in the wheat for weapons scandal.

But nothing could be more simple and obvious than his latest apparently
non-core boken promise.

For many years when asked how long he would remain PM he declared over and
over again that he would stay for as long as the party wanted him to.

A couple of weeks ago he learned that the majority of senior Liberals
wanted him to step down.

So what did he do?

He said that he wasn't a quitter and would stay on as PM to well into the
next term.

Why would anyone ever believe him?

The good news is that although the Libs can't seem to get rid of him, the
electorate will soon have the chance ... if he ever deigns to call what is
now becoming an overdue election.


It was good to see the happy bunch of old farts at the MRC reunion at
Hedley's Bar at the Ashwood Hockey Club a couple of days ago.  Most of
those attending left the old Port Melbourne site (where Friday Humour
started) prior to its closure in 1998.  All looked well and happy and
enjoyed reminiscing about those good old days when CSIRO Divisions seemed
to be run by the scientists rather than several layers of
business-oriented bean counters.


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First up this week here's a few from Allnutts

                                The Blonde Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde
cowboy coming down the road with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and
his boots,
so he arrests him for indecent exposure.  As he is locking him up, he asks
'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff . I was in the bar down the
road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home
with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...
So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts... So I
did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to
town cowboy.. '

And here I am."

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist


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                          Only great minds can read this

This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the
olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a
pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot
slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it


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                                     Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the
playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane... "

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane
a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane
helped
Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same
thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

THE MORAL HERE IS: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before
you interrupt.


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And these from Burnout

                   DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces
attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged,
masculine features.

However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and
set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up
his backside.


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                         HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said
proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit
and
I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good," said the
teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I
explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current
events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467", he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &
Chip stand I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same
thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna
buy a toothbrush?"


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Digi Maria sent this in

                                     Roman Holiday

(This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best
to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who
knows nothing and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.)

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome
with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're
crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be
something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel
in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're
overpriced.
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this
lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not
only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand
and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They,
too, were overbooked so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at
no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you
didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet
some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five
minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo".


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These from Muse in Canada

                               Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding,
she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that
her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
night together.

After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens
and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for "action". They unite
as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to
go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the
newlyweds are done,
Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back
again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25- year-old, ready for
more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other. But as Wally gets
set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly
impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have
been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You
are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:........."You mean
I was here already?"

The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages


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                                     That'll do it!!

The Greek man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and
she screamed for five full minutes at the end!"

The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed
for fifteen minutes!"

The Italian man said, "Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over
six hours!"

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you
have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours ?"

The Italian man said, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread."


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Smithie in Sherwood Forest sent this one

                                         70 Virgins

"Welcome brother Abu, you have finally arrived at your most glorious and
deserving reward."

"Is this . heaven?" asks a confused and somewhat disbelieving young man.

"Do you question the masters' gratitude? Are you as the infidels you've
just murdered in the name of our master?"

"No, no, no" Abu quickly responds, falling to his knees. "I am merely
shocked that the master will have me in his house. I am but one of many
servants begging for acceptance into his kingdom."

"Rise! You have made it my son. No longer shall you lie begging at the feet
of others! Now others will serve you."

Abu's eyes widen and a grin of all grins adorns his boyish face. "My
virgins!"

"Yes, of course they are your virgins Abu. If they belonged to someone
else,
they wouldn't be virgins, now would they?"

The two share a deep, hearty laugh. "I must tell you Abu, we were quite
pleased with the method you selected to destroy our enemies."

"It wasn't very original," Abu replies.

"Ah, but it was effective Abu. Your actions will undoubtedly further our
cause. Give yourself some credit!"

Abu, thinking to himself responds confidently, "It was glorious!"

"Yes it was Abu. Now come, your virgins await."

Abu is escorted into a lavishly grand ballroom graced with oversized, plush
couches and of these furnishings are wondrously veiled women, laying and
waiting. Abu abandons his escort and runs to meet one. "I am Abu woman and
you are here to serve me!"

"Yes master Abu."

Abu begins to unveil his first prize to find that her face lacks lips,
ears,
nose and several teeth!

"Arrh," Abu leaps to his feet. "She's monstrous!"

"That's nothing Abu," screams his escort from across the room, " yours only
had leprosy, you should see the fugly bitches waiting for Osama!"


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This from Zalaga on the other side of the forest

                                     I hate my job

When you have an "I Hate My Job " day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be
very sure you get this brand.

When you get home: Lock your doors - Draw the curtains - Disconnect the
phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable pajamas
and sit in your favorite chair. Carefully open the package and remove the
thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it
will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins: Take out the literature and read it carefully. You
will notice, in small print, there is a statement.

"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so thankful that
I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."


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And from David O

                            WRONG Pick Up Lines:

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

My Love for you is like diarrohea ... I can't hold it in.

Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out.

Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them.

If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light
switch away.

Man - Fat Penguin!
Woman - WHAT?
Man - I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock.

I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this
cheap motel room.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the
afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

Your face reminds me of a spanner, every time I think of it my nuts tighten
up.


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More from Allnutts

                              Exploring Marriage!!!!!!!

Some very funny quotes that will last for life time ...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her. - Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together. - Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. -
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does a woman want? - Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. -
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years." - Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second one didn't." - Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up. - Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once... - Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. - Henny
Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney
Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. - Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. - Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have
mine." - Anonymous

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be
why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

THE END.


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To the pics now ... and they're from the CastleHill Bookworms, Digi Maria,
Allnutts, Moose, Whizzbang, Nottingham Smithie, Diks, David O, Muse,  and
Trina.

Football Season Is Here!!!!
 Click here

A Whales Spirit
 Click here Click here

Politics
 Click here

Great Stubbier Holder
 Click here

World's dumbest dog
 Click here

Serj Tankian - Erica and Circus Tiger
 Click here

I knew that was you in the Park
 Click here

Motivational thought...
 Click here

Embarrassing Situations
 Click here

Great Idea ...
 Click here

New way to monitor staff by Human Resources
 Click here

Luckiest man on earth
 Click here

Don't let a puncture spoil your day!!!
 Click here

Baby... you're so hot ...
 Click here

That Shooting Star may not be what it seems...
 Click here

I love you Stanley....
 Click here

Monkey With a Death Wish!
 Click here

Move over Rolf!
 Click here

How to get a man to wash his hands
 Click here

Yikes (UNCLASSIFIED)
 Click here

No More E-mails...
      Please note...
      I will no longer be sending e-mails.
      T hanks to the Post Office I am now going back to licking stamps.....
 Click here

WHAT A WEDDING
 Click here

Smack a biker....BAM!
 Click here

Anyone for chips?
A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a
neighborhood shop.
The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into
the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos.
Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds.
The seagulls shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped
into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of
chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of
chips.
Customers have begun paying for the seagulls stolen bags of chips because
they think it's so funny.
 Click here


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This came from the CastleHill Bookworms

                  Be careful, this could happen to you !!!

No matter how you figure this...this guy's got real trouble. Real life
really is funnier than make-believe.

True Story from Houston Medical Center:

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off of his penis.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring
in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to
slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.

3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.


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This came from Diks

                                     March 6, 1836

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836 , Davy Crockett woke up and walked from
his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west
wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said,

" Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"


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From Whizzbang

                                 Popcorn Chicken

Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a
stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was
perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry
is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

Size 18 chicken
1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing 1 cup of uncooked popcorn
Salt & pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 220c. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and
pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with
the neck end towards the back of the oven. Listen to the popping sounds.
When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies
across the room, it is done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!!!


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Here's an oldie from Biggus (aka Fifi)

                                       The Knob

A lady went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a
new procedure called "The Knob". This small knob is planted on the back of
a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the
effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The
Knob".

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible
bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry. Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."


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Another from Fosters John

                                  LAX International

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the
passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc. Finally, she
said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith
Campbell,
and crew take you safely to your destination,"

Joe, sitting in the 8th row, thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right? Is
the Captain a woman? I think I'd better have a scotch and soda.'

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand
you correctly? Is the captain a woman?

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know
what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit. Now it's the box office."


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And a flashback from Kerro Steve

                                        Bar Story

There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck
driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just
drank it all down.

The poor man started crying.

The truckie turned and said: "Aww, come on man, I was just joking. Here,
I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No no, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I
overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged
and then fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it
was stolen. The police said they could do nothing.

So I had to get a cab home, except after I paid the cab driver and the cab
had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.

Then I got inside only to find my wife in bed with the gardener. I left
home depressed and came to this bar. And NOW ... just when I was finally
getting the courage to put an end to it all, YOU had to show up and drink
the poison."


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Finally from Mad Mick or Marwick

                                   Dinner Surprise

Once upon a time, there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.  Then one day she met a
man and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He
is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." 
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she
lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be
late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was
more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured
that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three
large orders baked beans.  All the way home she putt-putted, and upon
arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling,
I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her
to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from
his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the
blindfold until he returned.  He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure
was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room
she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a
skunk in front of pulpwood mill.  She took her napkin and fanned the air
around her vigorously.  Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped
three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on
like this for another ten minutes.

When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned
the air a few more times with her napkin placed it on her lap and folded
her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for
taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she
had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a
"Happy
Birthday"!!!


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Quote of the Week:


        "Monopolies are a terrible thing, unless you have one."


                                                                  Rupert
Murdoch


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[ End friday humour ]

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