Friday humour - September 21, 2007
[from Steve at Bluehaze]
For my editorial I think I shall just quote from Crikey today (Thursday).
It seems to sum it up quite well.
Meanwhile, on another secluded New Zealand crime scene:
'What's that smell Sarge?'
'None of our business Constable. Move along.'
'It smells like death, Sarge. Do you think this car is dead?'
'No need to get metaphysical Constable, we're here to investigate a
'Right you are then Sarge, I'll keep fingerprinting in the kitchen then.'
My favourite for this week is from Digi Maria:
And for the Scottish out there the video entitled "McDonalds" is definitely
worth a watch.
And now on to this week's collection from the indefatigable FH
contributors, including, but not limited to:
Allnutts, Croydon Caz, Davee from Ayrshire, Digi Maria, Diks, Moose, Muse,
Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, Zalaga,
Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates.
St Peter opens them and says 'Oh it's you Luciano, come on in. Squeeze
Pavarotti says 'Hold on, I've got an envelope for you, from the pope.'
St Peter opens it up and reads it.
'HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU'
The US Postal Service Has Issued a Recall
The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a
picture of now US Senator Hillary Clinton, to honor her achievements while
serving as the First Lady of our nation.
The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not
sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the
"Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full
investigation into the allegations.
A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several
months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:
* The stamp was manufactured properly.
* There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
* People were just spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.
Two Irish nuns had just arrived in the USA by boat and one said to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."
As they sat, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here," and
they both walked towards the hot dog cart.
"Two dogs, please!", said one.
The vendor was very pleased to oblige. He wrapped both hot dogs in foil and
handed them over. Excited, the nuns hurried to a bench and began to unwrap
The Mother Superior was first to open hers. She began to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leaned to the other nun and whispered
cautiously, "What part did you get?"
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets
out to rent her first x-rated Adult video. She goes to the video store
and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very
When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into something and puts
the tape into the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static
on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain. "I just rented an
adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
"Sorry about, that" replied the store clerk. "We've had Problems with some
of those tapes. Which title did You rent?"
The blonde replied, "It's called 'Head Cleaner.'"
What a mother doesn't want to hear!
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told
her mother. "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded
me of a peanut"
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was it?"
Sally replied, "No .. just salty!"
The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the
Irish Railway Company: Iarnrod Eireann.
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years!
Yours Truly, Patrick Finnegan
10 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT (If Written By College Students)
10. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
9. The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written
in a large font.
8. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
3. Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They
didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and
then pulled an all-nighter
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
8. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
1. He can't stick his head out of Windows XP.
15 Ways to Cope with Stress
1. Fill out every credit card application and magazine subscription you get
and have them bill you later.
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa and vice versa.
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
4. When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
5. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
6. Do your assignments in binary code.
7. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
8. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
9. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
10. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the
11. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
14. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
15. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to
BUMPER STICKERS - FOOLS AND IDIOTS
- He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
- He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
- Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
- Never argue with an idiot; people watching might not be able to tell the
- It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.
- A fool and his money are soon... Hey! Where's my wallet?
- It's not a cult. Think of it as a gang of morons who have nothing better
to do with their lives.
- One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.
- Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person,
which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at the
age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left foot in .. and then the trouble started.
HEAVEN Vs. HELL
An American salary.
A British home.
A Japanese wife.
Lovers are Italian.
Engineers are German.
Police are British.
Managed by the Swiss.
A Chinese salary.
A Japanese home.
An American wife.
Lovers are Swiss.
Engineers are British.
Police are German.
Managed by the Italians.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy did you check for a
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war
with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus
said, "I'll give you 50,000 dinars for it."
"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know
who I am? I am the king!"
Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you
(2) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Many recent historians wondered for which team they were bowling.
However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
fire, thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
(3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll
just have to be a little patient."
(4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever, if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.
One day, the biologist's supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out
and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the
Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.
Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across
sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
(5) Back in the 1800's, the Tates Watch Company of Boston wanted to produce
other products and, since they already had made many beautiful cases for
watches, they used them to present the handsome compasses.
The new compasses, however, were so bad, that people often ended up in
Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He, who has a Tates, is
(6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets
and urinals, leaving no clues.
A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to
(7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and
swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers
(8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized
profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
(9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on
an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.
All three be came pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy.
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This goes to prove that:
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the
other two hides.
DRUG DEALERS (DD) Vs. SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS (SD)
(DD) Refer to their clients as "users".
(SD) Refer to their clients as "users".
(DD) "The first one's free!"
(SD) "Download a free trial version..."
(DD) Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
(SD) Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
(DD) Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E".
(SD) Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN".
(DD) Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
(SD) Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
(DD) Job is assisted by the industry's producing newer, more potent mixes.
(SD) Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines.
(DD) Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
(SD) Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
(DD) Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
(SD) DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem. 'Nuff said.
THE KNOWLEDGE PILL
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in
pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks
what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment." He goes back into the storeroom
and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know ... math always was a little hard
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS ADDICTED TO GAMBLING
10. Keeps asking if he can double down on some cookies.
9. Has converted hamster's treadmill into a crude roulette wheel.
8. For a six year old, he seems to know too much about jai alai.
7. His school lunches are comped.
6. Knows the Vegas odds on where Waldo might be.
5. There's a bookie sleeping in his tree-house.
4. Changed his middle name to "The Greek".
3. He's 9 and he's dating a showgirl.
2. Says things like "Daddy needs a new skateboard".
1. He likes to ride Amtrak.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife
told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed,
which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there
were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said
"no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply
lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay, " hung up , counted to 60, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a minute ago because there were people in my
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them
all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes five police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars
The Sergeant said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN MORMON COUNTRY IF -
- you have a bumper sticker that says "Families are Forever."
- when you shop on Sunday, you post date your check.
- you were an aunt or uncle before the age of three.
- your family considers a trip to McDonalds a night out.
- you consider peanut butter on the seats of your car an accessory.
- your first child was conceived on your honeymoon.
- you feel guilty when you watch Monday Night football.
- your kids believe the deer hunt is a national holiday.
- you drink caffinated coke from a brown paper bag.
- you consider a temple recommend a credit reference.
- at least two of your salad bowls are at the home of neighbors.
- there is a similarity between ward basketball and the L.A. riots.
- you think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.
- you negotiate prices at garage sales.
- you can make Jell-O salad without a recipe.
- you heard about BYU football in testimony meeting.
- you have two gallons of ice cream in the freezer at all times.
A Rough Night
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays
until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is
After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off
his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint
bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up
his back terribly.
Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked
himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up
He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and
he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was
hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his
wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last
night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and
found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."
Tomorrow I will do the housework, NO EXCUSES!!! (unless they're good ones)
1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door
from the inside.
2. If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!
3. The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.
4. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
5. Never make fried chicken in the nude.
6. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke
the vacuum cleaner.
7. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
start all over again.
8. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
9. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11. Simplify... hire a maid.
12: My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
13. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into
a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get
hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)
I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I
have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because ... I want every creature to have a home of
I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the
others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's
way, HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my
guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for
I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent
I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die
young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol'
REMEMBER: A CLEAN HOUSE IS THE SIGN OF A BROKEN COMPUTER!!!
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since
the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In
fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led
to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as
well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just
couldn't come out. After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of
Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out!! They came
out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative!! I thank you once
again for a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the
Hefty Bag people.
Aussies in Heaven
Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some
Aussies up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the Pearly
Gates, my horn is missing, and they're wearing T-shirts instead of their
robes. There's barbecue sauce and tomato sauce all over everything,
especially their T-shirts. Their dogs are riding in the chariots and
chasing the sheep, they are wearing baseball caps and hats instead of
their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean, and their
boots are marking and scuffing up the halls of Wisdom. There are
watermelon seeds and chip crumbs all over the place. Some of them are
walking around with just one wing, and they insist on bringing their cars
The Lord said, "Aussies are Aussies, Gabriel. Heaven is home to all of my
children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."
So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says, "Hello, hold on
a minute." When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "
O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you? "
Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having
down there with the Aussies"
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."
After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said. "I'm back.
Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there with the
The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this, hold on."
This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns he says, "I'm
sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those Aussies have put out the
fires and are trying to install air conditioning."
Best out of office replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to
get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the
office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain
removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me
until I return from vacation on 18/4/07. Please be patient, and your mail
will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for
the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is
unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try
sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see
how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in
approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC
for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as "Lisa" instead of
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two
best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter
said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to
confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician."
"Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say, 'There's Bubba with
them two assholes. "
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
Yesterday I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. My blood pressure
was high, my cholesterol was high, I'd gained some weight,
and I didn't feel so hot.
My doctor said eating right doesn't have to be complicated and it would
solve my physical problems. He said just think in colours;
Fill your plate with bright colours; greens, yellows, reds.
I went right home and ate an entire bowl of M&M's and sure enough, I felt
better immediately. I never knew eating right could be so easy.
Holiday in China instead?
First - Let's take the tram up to the start of the trail
Now follow the path
Be sure to hold on to the "railing"
Keep an eye on the person in front of you
Be very careful when passing someone going in the opposite direction
Now just up a few steps (they are on the left in the picture)
Gets a little steeper here - so put your toes in the holes
A few more steps to go
Finally in sight
The view's great BUT - Would you dare try it?
There Are NO Ugly Women
Bet you have never seen a stripper do this before ...
Venice in Dubai
Moments when you are allowed to say Oh S#@t!
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Can't remember some of these from school ..
It is hard to believe that all of theses dresses are made from toilet paper
.. but they are.
Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
Click here Click here
Man cheats death - WOW
Not as clean as you think ...
Stage fright? We'll fix it!
Home security - is yours this good?
Bikini wax - quite XXX !
Chairs - or not
Dog Wars! Their owners have too much time on their hands ...
Click here Click here Click here
Harry Potter's Broomstick
Male therapy ...
Feel old yet?
Click here Click here
And last but by no means least ... a family with 17 children!
Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!
[ End friday humour ]
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