Friday humour - September 14, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

It has been a big week here on Oz with the APEC meeting and many special
guests.  The most prominent was George Dubya Bush.  What an incredible
show!  A couple of jumbos, heaps of armoured cars, an entourage of about
1000 including catering corp of chefs (35?), political advisors, security
specialists, secret service men talking into the cuffs of their black
suits and not to mention white house aides (anyone seen Monica??).   The
Chinese and Russian presidents arrive and they have a small effective
security contingent that pales into insignificance compared to Georges
amazing roadshow. The feral govmint invested in $250 million dollars worth
of security and then we have a TV comedy crew hire a couple of big black
American style cars and manage to get through 2 security check points 
notwithstanding that they showed their in-security passes to check point
personnel.   Instead of this highlighting the complete waste of taxpayers
money for security that did not work, the Chaser Click here
TV crew face possible jail for breaching the security.   Of course
central Sydney was completely closed off with a 10 feet high rabble proof
fence making life difficult for the ordinary person to go about their
business.  One suggestion I heard to ensure the security of heads of state
and not put us taxpayers/residents into total disruption, is to park one of
the US Navys huge aircraft carriers a few kilometres offshore and fly the
guests out by helicopter.  No roads to block off, no huge fences and if
the rabble tries to gatecrash, just chuck them into the water for the
sharks to feed on!

Now, onto the humour with my favourite this week from Muse:
Get a job....
 Click here


The written stuff this week has been excellent with heaps sent in by
Anonymous, Duke of Barsinov, Nottingham Smithie, Zalaga, Diks, Digi Maria,
Croydon Caz, Cartographer Chris, Burnout, Allnutts, Whizzbang, and the
Castlehill Books Mob:


They Walk Among Us!

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true,
so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day
someone stole it.

Caution.. They Walk Among Us!


One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said... "where???"

They Walk Among Us!!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific".

They Walk Among Us!!! =


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but,  "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was
moving".

They Walk Among Us!!!!


My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk Among Us!!!!!


My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....

(maybe I  should have bought 10 cases)

They Walk Among  Us!!!!!!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived 
yet?"..

They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!


While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 
pieces".

Yep, they walk among us =

AND

They reproduce!


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Workchoices??
BEIJING (Reuters) - A Chinese woman is suing her former employer after
falling victim to the company policy of firing staff who contradict their
boss three times, local media reported on Thursday.
HWA-1 Enterprise Co Ltd, a light industrial manufacturer based in China's
south-eastern port city of Xiamen, sacked a woman surnamed Ni for refusing
to pay fines she incurred for talking back to superiors, Xinhua news agency
said, citing a local newspaper.
The company's policy held that a "first contradiction of superiors" would
incur a fine of 30 yuan (2 pounds), a second would incur 100 yuan, and a
third would warrant dismissal, the agency said.
Ni incurred a 30 yuan fine after taking umbrage with her factory supervisor
for reprimanding her for not filling in a form.
"The factory head told me that, according to company rules, no matter
whether management is right or wrong, employees are not allowed to
contradict them and must obey," Xinhua quoted Ni as saying.
Ni was then threatened with a 100 yuan fine for refusing to pay the first
fine, and was sacked after she threatened to report her supervisor to the
company's human resource's department.
The factory's supervisor, surnamed Cao, said it was his legal right to sack
Ni.
"The company can terminate the contract of employees who seriously breach
labour discipline or the company's rules," Xinhua quoted Cao as saying.


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Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own
pants.

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said
"Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty
for Miss America?

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will
be sitting next to you saying, "Wow...that was fun!"

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the
difference.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press
'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells
live forever.

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to
the end, the faster it goes.


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From the medical world

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there
were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart.

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes,
the man had over fifty patches on his body!  Now, the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered
"Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR


6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a woman I asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to
the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman
produced a foil packet labelled "KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple
hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and
wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed
that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo
that read, "Keep off the grass.   "Once the surgery was completed, the
surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry,
had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name


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A quickie...!
An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found.


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A UK Survey

Question from a recent UK survey:
Are there too many foreigners in this country now?
Answer:
20%: YES 10% : NO 70% :  


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Subject: Five or nine inches, Sir?
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in
and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't
remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.' You're going to be
OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to
break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were
unable to find it.'
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got 9000
compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a
new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But
the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.' The
bloke perks up at this. So the thing is the doctor says, it's for you
to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd better
discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you
decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had
a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this
time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision.'
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day.
So says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'
"I have" says the fellow.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor. . .

      (scroll down)


       'We're having a new kitchen.'


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THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED  GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her
And send her back to me.

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas who have been fearless and learned to
use the Computer........


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Kids
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to
find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that
something was wrong with his thing and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone
his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned
to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging
out.
"I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed.
"I did," he said,
"and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon she'd come and pick
me up from school."


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Corporate America.....
For anyone who has ever worked in corporate America, the tribal wisdom of
the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation  to the next, says that
when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is
to dismount. But in modern business (and EDUCATION and GOVERNMENT) because
heavy investment factors are taken into consideration, other strategies are
often tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Change the riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired."

8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
horse's performance.

11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead horse's performance.

12. Declaring that the dead horse carries lower overhead and therefore
contributes more to the bottom line then some other horses.

 13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, as a final strategy:
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position. The sad thing is,
we see this every day.


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Relationships

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy
nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went   golfing.

**************************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house.  She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your  bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

**************************************************
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her
husband burst into the kitchen.
Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're
cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!  Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need
more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They're going to STICK! Careful CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER
listen to me when you're cooking! Never!  Turn them! Hurry up! Are you
CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you
always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I
don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."


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TOP INTERNATIONAL WAYS TO CELEBRATE SPRING

RUSSIA: Get off the mile long line for firewood; get in the
mile-and-a-half-long line for umbrellas.
HOLLAND: Annual Easter Clog Toss
VATICAN CITY: The Pope presides over the ceremonial casting out the first
sinner.
ISRAEL: Throw cute little stuffed animals filled with rocks at the
Palestinians.
LIECHTENSTEIN: Send annual "We're still a country" notification to the U.N.
CHERNOBYL: Night Parade of the Glow-In-The-Dark Chickens
TEHRAN: Can now attend "Death to America" rally in shorts.
BAGHDAD: Before inspectors begin their hunt, replace anthrax eggs with
slightly less nauseating Cadbury eggs.
TOKYO: Godzilla turns his fancy from a path of destruction to thoughts of
love.
ENGLAND: Leichester Larry comes out of his flat and smiles. If any teeth
are straight, 6 more weeks of rain. Otherwise, 5.5 more weeks of rain.
IRELAND: Swimsuit issue of "Soccer Hooligan Illustrated" hits newsstands.


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THE FLAT TIRE
Four college friends, afflicted with spring fever, they decided to go up to
Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time.
However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make
it back to Austin until early Monday morning. Rather than taking a
scheduled final, they decided to find their professor after the final and
explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend, with the plan
to come back and study, but unfortunately they had a flat tire on the way
back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a
result, they missed the final.
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final
the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that
night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He
placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and
told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It
was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at
the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was
written: (For 95 points): Which tire went flat?


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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE

Amen!!!
(This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended!)
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School (California)
staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering
machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This
came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents
to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The
school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's
failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were
absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough
schoolwork to pass their classes.
The outgoing message: "Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right
staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
* To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
* To make excuses for why your child did not do his work- Press 2
* To complain about what we do - Press 3
* To swear at staff members - Press 4
* To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
* If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
* If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone -Press 7
* To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8
* To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
* To complain about school lunches - Press 0
* If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable
and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that
it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and
have a nice day!
*If you want this in Spanish, you must be in the wrong country.


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HUMOR SCOPE
The Humorscope has been called "uncannily accurate" by at least one person.
I construct forecasts each day, using precise planetary positions, a
custom-made analog computer, and ancient Norwegian meditation techniques.
Or at least, that's what I would do if I had more time. Currently, I
mostly just spin a carrot.

Aries (March 21 - April 19) - You will discover a bassoon player hiding in
the shrubbery. That's not something you should try to deal with yourself
-- call in the professionals.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20) - Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due
to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will
mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time flow should return to normal soon.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20) - You will have an enormously exciting day,
today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal
box.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22) - You will make several somewhat inadvisable
impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of
them, except for the Hormel "100 Years Of SPAM!" decorative wall clock.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) - Today you will have a lot of trouble with non
sequiturs. Pizza doesn't have to have cheese, you know.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22) - You need to work harder on your
friendships. Why, you sometimes don't even like yourself that much, do
you? Be nice to yourself this week - buy yourself some flowers or a nice
gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Libra (September 22 - October 22) - Good day to act extremely childish.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21) - A brilliant idea for a new hand tool
will strike you today, but it will be years too late. People these days
are much less likely to buy an "M.C. Hammer" than they would have been a
few years ago. If you're really intent on being an inventor, you should
come up with a "drum roll", which you can sell to Pillsbury. Ta dah dum.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21) - You will make some new friends
today. One of them will be on some sort of "sacred quest", which will make
a good ice-breaker. ("So...what's with the coconuts?")

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) - Your relatives may try to have you
committed, today. Luckily, through a series of amusing misadventures, they
will fail. You and your large invisible friend will simply shrug it off, of
course, since it's not in your disposition to hold a grudge.

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18) - In one of those amusing mix-ups that
happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken
your reference to "her suit" and thought you said "hirsute." Still, this
may prove a little awkward.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20) - Excellent day to come up with new
theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest
explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today
subscribe to the "Big Band" theory of the creation of the universe. I have
an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call "Tuba Ensemble."

We need not feel ashamed of flirting with the zodiac. The zodiac is well
worth flirting with. - D.H. Lawrence


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PROVERBS
There have been a couple of generations in the last sixty years that have
missed the boat but this group isn't one of them.
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her
class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well
known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their
insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 1st
graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses. Until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but how?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow
your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than pregnant


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GROCERY STORE TIME ZONES
6:00am - 9:00am : Commuters, baking deficient parents
9:00am - 12:00pm : Stay-at-home parents, pre-school field trips
12:00pm - 3:00pm : Retirees, firefighters, self-employed
3:00pm - 6:00pm : Young singles, after work shoppers without kids
6:00pm - 9:00pm : Exhausted parents with screaming children
9:00pm - 12:00am : Partygoers, baking parents, mothers taking a break
3:00am - 6:00am : Substance abusers
Please shop in *your* zone to avoid conflicts. Thank you!


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A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said, "When we were first
married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my
slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten
years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my
wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counsellor, "You're still getting the same
service."


Little Bobbie had been pawing over a stationer's stock of greeting cards
for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A
birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, an Anniversary, or a
congratulations to your mum and dad?"
Little Bobbie shook his head and answered, "Nope. Got any blank report
cards?"


Now that lawyers can advertise, says a reporter, you had better brace
yourself for the following pitch from one who specializes in divorces:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."


A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a
lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from
another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly. "I married
your sister."


Little Rubieo had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while
he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then
said a prayer.
"Fine", said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave,
He will help you."
"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Little Rubieo. "I
asked Him to help you put up with me."


An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a
few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented,
"These are very good! You must have a good camera."
He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said,
"That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots and
pans."


A young woman walking in the park one day accidentally stepped on a frog.
She picked it up and took it home. That night, she put it under her pillow
and the next morning the frog was gone and there was a handsome young man
sleeping beside her. She could not believe it.... Neither did her mother
and father!


BRICKS
A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she
spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewellery store window. "Wow, I'd
sure love to have that!" she said.
"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass
and grabbing the ring.
A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in
another shop window. "What I'd give to own that!" she said.
"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through
the window and snatching the coat.
Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd
do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.
"Hey, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or
something!"


WEATHER THE WEATHER
Whether the weather be fine
Or whether the weather be not,
Whether the weather be cold
Or whether the weather be hot,
We'll weather the weather
Whatever the weather,
Whether we like it or not.


On Exercise
The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have
put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.


TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT THE ZOO 10 No matter how much I
wash, I still smell like cheetah 9 Are you the guy I'm supposed to talk to
about the black market elephant?
8 You know, between me and you, that's just a guy in a bear suit 7 It's
time to feed the pythons -- will you help me catch a few squirrels?
6 If you want a good buzz, I've got access to the tranquilizer guns 5 You
know, this isn't a moustache -- this is a rare Andean caterpillar. Want to
pet it?
4 Do you hear him? He's laughing at me 3 Excuse me -- I have to go glue the
horn on the "unicorn" 2 Hey, yo -- want to see a dinosaur for twenty bucks?
1 Does it look like I have rabies?


YOU KNOW YOU'RE A LOUSY COOK WHEN:

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire
siren
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family grabs forks
and follows him.
Your kids favourite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy poodle
Your kids got even with the neighbourhood bully by inviting him over for
dinner.
Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic waste in
their lunch bags.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it the gravy still turns bright purple.
You burned the house down trying to make jelly.


No Bachelors
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires
only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him,
"Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you
think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous... or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are
used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to
keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."


DOGS
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
his tongue
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole
Animals are such agreeable friends they ask no questions, they pass no
criticisms
The special ones steal our hearts, and give us theirs


LAWYERS
Four life-long friends, a doctor, lawyer, professor, and an executive,
belonging to the same exclusive club had made a pact. When one dies, they
agreed, the others will lay $5,000 each on his coffin so he'll have some
spending money in the after life. Well, one day the professor passes away.
At his funeral the three friends took turns going up to the coffin and
paying their respects. The doctor was first, laying 50 $100 bills inside
the casket. Next was the executive, tearfully placing his $5,000 cash next
to his deceased friend.
Then the lawyer approached the coffin wrote out a check for $15,000, laid
it in the casket, and picked up the 10 grand in cash.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed
at home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely
stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her
body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked
breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home
and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the
bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away
the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the
cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he
hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop
the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an
argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the
kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and
watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded
the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry,
bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished,
he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get
through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord,
I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being
able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned
your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Subject: Love This One !!!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months. Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day he
motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears. 'You know what? You have
been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?'
'What dear? She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.'
'I think you're bad luck. Fuck off.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE ...
"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his
firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
Yep."
"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


The mad painter

Van Gogh's Family Tree
His dizzy aunt -- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes -- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store -- Stop N. Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -- U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -- Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -- Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -- A. Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle -- Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst -- E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin -- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way To Gogh
The little bouncy nephew -- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van -- Winnie Bay Gogh
And there ya Gogh!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


What do retired people do all day
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day Christine and I went into town and went
into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.   When we came
out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up
to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a turd. He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So Christine called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put
it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the
more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a
little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown
to attend their 25th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to
their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each
other.
The first woman says, 'My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for
two Weeks,' and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second woman says, 'Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes,'
and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, 'Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have
much money and we don't have many material possessions, but 13 canaries can
stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis.'
After a long silence, the first woman looks shame-faced and says, 'Girls,
I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not
really going to the French Riviera we're going to my parent's house for two
weeks.'
The second woman says, 'Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my
husband didn't buy me a Mercedes -- he bought me a Taurus.'
'Well,' the third woman says, 'I've got a confession to make. Canary number
13 has to stand on one leg.'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Nasty Bug
Answered the door to a 6-foot beetle the other day.  It swore at me and
then smacked me round the head.
Yep, there's a nasty bug going round!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now to the movies and pics sent in by Anonymous, Nottingham Smithie,
Diks, Burnout, Whizzbang, Muse, Allnutts, Digi Maria, Moose, Duke of
Barsinov, Rudolf from the West and Swinburne Sue:


Thought you might be interested in the boat we were thinking of buying
until the recent share market decline. Maybe next year!
 Click here

ANALGLAUCOMA
 Click here

NT Version
 Click here

4x4ing
 Click here Click here Click here

Liza Minelli & Pavarotti en New York , New York
 Click here

The way you sleep!!
After two Beers
 Click here
After three glasses of Wine
 Click here
After four Kamikazes
 Click here
After a few shared bottles of wine
 Click here
After a few Margaritas.... (love it)
 Click here
After 2 bottles Jack Daniels
 Click here
And after an evening of two beers, three wines, four kamikazes, margaritas
and that bottle of Jack shared with those friends in Mexico
 Click here


Honda
 Click here


Hippopotamus and the Tortoise

" Much of life can never be explained but only witnessed."
- Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the
Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old
tortoise in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa , officials
said. The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms
(650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean , then
forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on
December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.
"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male
tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy
with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of
Lafarge Park , told AFP.
"After it was swept away and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It
had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed
on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep
together," the ecologist added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly
the way it followed its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the
hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu
added.
"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature,
hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four
years," he explained.
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments
that take our breath away."

This is a real story that shows that our differences don't matter much when
we need the comfort of another. We could all learn a lesson from these two
creatures of God,
"Look beyond the differences and find a way to walk the path together."
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


At the Marina a little bit XXXX
 Click here


Bare bones Motorcycle-This is just so wicked.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


MALE License plate of the year
 Click here

Blonde in Bathroom
 Click here

Do you remember
 Click here

Government logo
 Click here


Fishing questionnaire
 Click here

Topless Carwash
 Click here

Another blonde joke
 Click here

FOOTSIE
 Click here

Divine intervention
 Click here

Subject: How does it feel when...
 Click here

Hey, we all make mistakes!
 Click here

Subject: How quickly the years pass...
 Click here

Sex positions
 Click here

Global Warning
 Click here

Three Tenors
As seen in a Belgian newspaper............humour or a little "off" ?
 Click here

Ice scraping
 Click here

Common Sense
 Click here

Idiot test
 Click here

Thought for the day.....
Handle every situation like a dog...If you can't Eat it or Screw it, Piss
on it and Walk Away!
 Click here

Did I read that right?
Just in case Batman forgets?
 Click here
Hmmm... decisions, decisions!
 Click here
Well, thank goodness!!! Up until now, only 36% of women have been able to
find this.
 Click here
Excuse me???
 Click here
Interesting marketing angle!
 Click here
Then, how should I get in??? Maybe the exit?
 Click here
Hope the emergency's not too urgent!
 Click here
Sounds tasty doesn't it?
 Click here
What???
 Click here
And you thought that particular personality trait wouldn't look good on
your resume...
 Click here
Hygiene is important
 Click here
It's a man's dream come true.
 Click here
McDeath?
 Click here
Geez, not even an emergency phone?
 Click here
To calm those stressed rabbits.
 Click here
NO! The other right!
 Click here
Oops, not secret anymore!!
 Click here
Another dream come true...
 Click here
A fine example of rocket science
 Click here
Now you know at least one of these signs made you smile, so pass a smile
onto someone else, and let's start a smile epidemic!

Motivating Pictures - Best Yet!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Only A Man Can Park This Perfectly
 Click here

Take my picture
 Click here

Air Force Test:
This will drive you nuts!! Have fun!
The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit
by the blue blocks or touching the black walls.
If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal.  It's been said
that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to
go for at least 2 minutes.
Give it a try but be careful...it is addictive!!
  target=_blank>Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that's all we have this week folks.
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