Friday humour - September 07, 2007



[ from Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


George W Bush is currently visiting Australia for five days. He travelled
in
Air Force One which is one of three 747 Jumbo jets his entourage have
arrived in. A further five transport aircraft have accompanied the Jumbos,
carrying two helicopters (including Marine One, his official chopper) and
more than 20 motor vehicles including an ambulance two presidential
limousines and 18 secret service and other vehicles, which apparently
convey 50 White House staff and advisers. A 250 strong security detail is
also here. All up there will be 525 people in the presidential entourage
and it will cost over US$200 million to cover their stay. Despite the cost
planning and hype there is no chance any of us ordinary Aussies will get a
chance to see or hear him.

The first thing King George told us in his press conference (where he
agreed to answer four questions from a cherry picked press, one being an
American) was how good things were going in Iraq.  Why would anyone in
their right mind believe him considering all the lies he's told about Iraq
in the past?

The security bill for the week-long APEC summit (which Bush is only staying
for a couple of days) has blown out to A$170 million - making it more
expensive than the cost of security for the 2000 Olympics.  Senate
committee figures reveal that protecting world leaders will cost taxpayers
a staggering $24 million a day.

You'd have to think that all of this is simply our Man of Steel showing off
once again on how strong he is on national security by blockading off half
of Sydney and sending it into gridlock.  Is it all necessary?  Imagine how
many doctors and nurses could be employed, how much road or rail
infrastructure could be built, or how much battlers pensions could be
increased.


And now, to the jokes ...


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First up this week from Trina

                                      Drugged up

A happy little rabbit was running through the forest when he stumbles upon
a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says "Giraffe my
friend why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll
see you'll feel so much better." The giraffe looks at him looks at the
joint tosses it to the ground and goes off running with him.

Then they came across an elephant doing coke so the rabbit again says "
Elephant my friend why do you do this? Think about your health, come
running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see you'll feel so
good." The elephant looks at them looks at his razor and mirror and all
and tosses it to the ground and runs off with the giraffe and the rabbit.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.  "Lion my
friend why do you do this? Think about your health. come running with us
through the sunny forest." The lion looks at him puts down his needle and
proceeds to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch amazed in horror they question the lion.
"Lion why do you do this. He was merely trying to help us all?!?"

The lion answers "That little fucker makes me run around the forest for
hours like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"


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A couple from Allnutts

                                    The Hair Dryer

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official
asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do You have
to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is,
to date, unused."


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                                        Butt Out

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks
at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it. He
looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine right there. I'm down to two
butts a day'.


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These from Digi Maria

    Comments made in the year 1955 - That's only 52 years ago!

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going
to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before
$2000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack
is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to
mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside
help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday
cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the
garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to
stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long
as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let
Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems
every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a
man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they
call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas "

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000
a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be
making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to
watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be
getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole
lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half
our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people
to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously
doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs
nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too
rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."


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                               Aboriginal Tracker

An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top
End.  On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the
Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air,
under the sea. The Americans were incredulous.

Then later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and
discovered, lying in the middle Of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear
pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high In the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the
prostrate
Aborigine.

'Jacky,' said the tour guide, 'what are you tracking and what are you
listening for?'

The aborigine replied, 'Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute.
It's red. The left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it
has dents in every panel. There are 9 blackfellas in the back, all drinking
warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front
seat.'

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed
knowledge. 'Goddammit man, how do you know all that?' asked one.

The Aborigine replied, 'I fell out of the bloody thing about half an hour
ago!'


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A quickie from Diks

                                            Men

OK, OK, it all makes sense now...   I never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist AND .... When we have REAL trouble,
it's a HISterectomy.

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?


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From Muse in Canada

                                         Hunting

Father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said:
"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back
to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake
slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my
eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I
swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started
itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,
'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' "Well, I guess I just
panicked ".


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A quickie from Smithie in Sherwood Forest

                                     The Graveyard

Two blondes stop in a church graveyard for a pee on the way back from the
pub.

One blonde says to the other blonde "Look, this guy died aged 99".

The other blonde says "Wow that`s really old but there is a stone here says
this guy died 146"

"Wow , really" says the first blonde "What`s his name?"

"Miles" said the second blonde, "and he was from London "


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This stuff is from Whizzbang

                                        The Lake

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar
with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a
short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the
woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.


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Four men were being interviewed for a job.

                                     The Interview

The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he asked
the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes
and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall
there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock
the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light.", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest
thing known is diarrhoea," said the Aussie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?

"Oh, said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and
ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the
light, I shit my pants."

He got the job ...


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                                   MORNING SEX

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's
side of the bed. His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil
things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked
him to "take this note to your beautiful Mummy."

The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
To Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to "take this to
your silly daddy."

The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.

Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son to take this to
"the poor dude upstairs."

The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand !


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                                   Making Babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr.
Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should
be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch,
and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is
fun.
You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...
equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!


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From Biggus

                                Elephants never forget

In 1986, Mike Membre was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
North-western University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Membre approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could,
Membre worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a
rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membre stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membre
never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later,
Membre was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Membre and his son Cantri were standing. The
large bull elephant stared at Membre, lifted its front foot off the
ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then
trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the
encounter in 1986, Membre couldn't help wondering if this was the same
elephant.

Membre summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way
into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in
wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
Membre' s legs and raised him high into the air and slammed him against the
railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.


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This weeks pics and other graphic stuff are from Burnout, Whizzbang, Moose,
the Duke of Barsinov, Arfermo, Muse, Digi Maria, Stonefish, The Great
Gussius, Notingham Smithie, Diks, and Trina.


14 reasons not to be involved in Sports...
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Creation
 Click here

Amazing sculptures....
Ron Mueck is a London-based photo-realist artist. Born in Melbourne,
Australia, to parents who were toy makers, he labored on children's
television shows for 15 years before working in special effects for such
films as Labyrinth, a 1986 fantasy epic starring David Bowie. Eventually
Mueck concluded that photography pretty much destroys the physical presence
of the original object, and so he turned to fine art and sculpture. In the
early 1990's, still in his advertising days, Mueck was commissioned to
make something highly realistic, and was wondering what material would do
the trick. Latex was the usual, but he wanted something harder, more
precise.
Luckily, he saw a little architectural decor on the wall of a boutique and
inquired as to the nice, pink stuff's nature. Fiberglass resin was the
answer, and Mueck has made it his bronze and marble ever since.
His work is lifelike but not life size, and being face to face with the
tiny, gossiping Two Women (2005) or the monumental woman In Bed (2005) is
an unforgettable experience.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

I Believe, Car Protection, & more.
 Click here Click here Click here

Riddle
 Click here

Oops
 Click here

Why men have boats.
 Click here

Technical Term for Breakdown in Melbourne
 Click here

Only at Bathurst
 Click here

Morning poem. Not for the kids
 Click here

Arfermo's Pix
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Australian Birds
 Click here

Hillary's first day as President ... XX
 Click here

Cutesy
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Xmas gift?
 Click here

UGA Mascot Missing.
 Click here

Goals in Marriage
 Click here

Interesting Memorial.....
 Click here Click here

Darwins finest
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Just one of those moments...
 Click here

Wendy!!!
 Click here

MANcando2thingsatthesametimetoo
 Click here

Mother-in-law
 Click here

Love at first sight...
 Click here

Shame and scandal in the family...
 Click here

Ride 'em cowboy?
 Click here

Africa- known for their cutting-edge technology
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Modern Office Environment!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Workchoices, know where you stand.
 Click here

New Measuring Gauge At Home Depot
I just bought this new gauge from Home Depot.  It takes a while to learn
all the settings, but I was patient and with help I figured it out.
 Click here

Lets go Camp
 Click here

Embarassing Situations
 Click here

Whizzbang's Thought For The Day:
 Click here


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This is from the Duke

                                          "1234"

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white
powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your *partner* has to say is
"*1234*",
and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another
year."

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts
on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and
is lying next to her, he says, "*123*" and suddenly he becomes more
aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say *123 for*?"

Now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.


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From Zalaga on the other side of Sherwood Forest

                                           Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with
her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said  the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I  can get $400
a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait  a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to
come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the  wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a  year!'


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Here's some from Burnout

                             New Drink From Pfizer

Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid
form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer.  It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning
to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned
"stiff drink"

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of,

Yep, you guessed it. "MOUNT & DO."


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                                    Country Votes

John Howard (our Prime minister) called Peter Costello (Our treasurer) into
his office one day and said, "Peter I have a great idea! We are going to go
all out to win the country voters."

"Good idea PM, how will we go about it?" said Costello.

"Well," said Howard, "we'll get ourselves one of those Driza Bone coats,
some RM Williams Boots, a stick and an Akubra hat, oh and a Blue Cattle
dog.
Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country
pub, we'll show them that we really at home there."

"Right PM," said Costello.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Blue heeler, they set off
from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the
place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.  They walked
in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G, day mate," said Howard, to the bartender, "two middies of your best
beer.

"Good afternoon Prime Minister," said the bartender, "two middies of our
best coming up".

Howard and Costello stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and
chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a
drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a
grizzled old stockman, complete with stockwhip. He walked up to the cattle
dog, lifted it's tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his
shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked
up to the dog, lifted it's tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and
went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five stockman came
in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Howard and Costello could stand it no longer and called the
barman over. "Tell me," said Howard, "why did all those old stockmen come
in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no !" said the barman. "It's just that someone went in and told
them that there was a cattle dog in this bar with two arseholes.


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This came from Moose

                                Lawyers V Grandmas

Lawyers should never ask a grandma a question if they aren't prepared for
the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything other than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!  Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with
three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The
defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet
voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you both to the electric chair."


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To finish up, more from Whizzbang

                                         Fireman

A firefighter was working on the fire engine outside the station, when he
noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The
girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her
dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice
fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The fireman noticed the girl had
tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.


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                                        The Nail

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer. One
morning,
on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The
insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I
drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You
show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the farmer
leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of
cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right
here."

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy
blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to
be bred?"

"That's simple. By the nail over its stall", Maggie explains very
confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's
to hang your trousers on."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                          You've got to love the Marines.

               US Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)

The following directive was issued by the Commanding Officer of all Naval
installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the
Marines.)

To: All Commands

                         Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K All commanders promulgate upon
receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

A. "Eat Pork or Die" [both English and Arabic versions]

B. "Shrine Busters" [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

C. "Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy" [Both English and Arabic versions] D. "Goat
-
it isn't just for breakfast any more." [Both English and Arabic versions]

E. "The road to Paradise begins with me." [Mostly Arabic versions, but some
in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]

F. "Guns don't kill people. I kill people." [Both Arabic and English
versions]

G. "Pork. The other white meat." [Arabic version]

H. "Infidel" [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt of this message:

A.. "Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily."

B.. "Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?"

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


 "And the thing I appreciate about dealing with Prime Minister Howard
  is, well, you know where he stands … You don't have to read nuance
  into his words and when he tells you something, he stands by his
  word, and I thank you for that."


                                     George W Bush about "the Lying Rodent"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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