Friday humour - August 31, 2007


[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Surely we are getting closer to the election. This election campaign seems
to be endless, even though it hasn't technically started yet. I just
wonder if John is desperate enough to actually ignore the constitution and
not call an election. Unthinkable? I would have said so 6 months ago, but
now I'm not so sure. Never a better time for a bit of FH.

My favourite for this week is "Puppet" (from Moose)
 Click here

.. But you also need to check out the cat who eats with a fork. This life
is getting weirder by the day.

This week's collection is courtesy of Castlehill Allnutts, Books Mob,
Croydon Caz, Digi Maria, Diks, Moose, Nottingham Smithie,
Stonefish, Whizzbang, et. al.

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Possibly the very best chicken joke ever.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the
headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT Question".

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Cowboys & Chilli....

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the
counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at
a full bowl of chilli.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy
bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his
best Okie manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his
place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the
bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and
he immediately barfs up the chilli into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

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Woman's problem.....

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.

She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh. They won't
wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.

 The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells
her not to worry until he gets the tests back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the
doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm
wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?'

The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'

'Tell him his earrings aren't real gold.'

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Golf Lessons ...

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of
women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She
goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet,
and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess
all those f'n lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you should
have taken golf lessons instead!"

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St Peter.......

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple are involved in a
fatal car accident.

The couple finds themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates Waiting for
St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder: Could we possibly get married In Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, "I don't Know.
This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out", and he
leaves

The couple sat and waited and waited. Two months passed and the Couple is
still waiting.

As they waited, they discussed that If they were allowed to get Married in
Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. What if it doesn't work?"
they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat
Bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven".

Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if Things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a Priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a LAWYER?"

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Smart Bird

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird ..."

"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I
wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants
me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make
the guy an offer!"

The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this
or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the man.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and
began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

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The talking clock

Proudly showing off her newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of
friends late one night, a drunk female, blonde, yuppie led the way to her
bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's that big brass gong for ?" one of the friend's asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" she drunkenly replied.

"A talking clock - seriously ?"

"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."

"How's it work ?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.

"Justwatch" she said.

She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped
back. Her three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in
astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*#k's
sake, you stupid bitch. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!"

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AAADD - Know the symptoms ...

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it
needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I
brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under
the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out
the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my
desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so
that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Coke is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've
been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll
water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the
spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there
is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have
enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find
the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

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Questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Web site

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Web
site - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer
holidays answered ....

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so
how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water ...

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not
... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings
Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Austria is that quaint little country bordering Germany, which is ... Oh
forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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A boss wondered why ...

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick
one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he
dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's
whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the
earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a
helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they
searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, "Me."

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The "Middle Wife"

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but
the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes,
pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And
I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to
lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and
I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a
seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months
through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in
amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around
the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a
hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a
sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed
like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he
got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then,
all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that
they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of
toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell
day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

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5 Important Lessons

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was
a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this
was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She
was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name? I
handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class
ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz
grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet
many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care,
even if all you do is smile and say "hello." I've never forgotten that
lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain.

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on
the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her
car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she
decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her,
generally unheard of in those conflict filled 1960's. The man took her to
safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed
to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven
days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant
console colour TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached.
It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The
rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came
along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside
just before he passed away ... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly
serving others."
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy
entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of
water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in
it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing
impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked
away The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the
waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There,
placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies.
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to
leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid
himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of
the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked
around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping! the roads clear,
but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way. Then a
peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the
boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to
the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally
succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained
many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for
the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned
what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity
to improve our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts.

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a
little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her
only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5 year
old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor
explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if
he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and
saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion
progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the colour returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his
smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice,
"Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had
misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.

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Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After
mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When
I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a large glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If
I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
the spook.
8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the living suitcase out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

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Cyanide

A calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and walked right up to
the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I would lose
my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will
happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now that's
different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription "

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Clever

In a criminal justice system based on 12 individuals not smart enough to
get out of jury duty, here is a jury to be proud of.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating
guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defence's closing statement the
lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a
trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person
presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked
toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on
eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you
have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and
I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the
jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

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A bit political

Kevin Rudd was in a strip bar in NY

Every night, he'd walk past a lap dancer standing in the same corner. He
learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain
to follow. "Two hundred and fifty dollars!" she'd shout from the corner.

"No! Five dollars!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the lap dancer became a nightly occurrence.
He'd walk by and she'd yell, "Two hundred and fifty dollars!"

He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day, Julia Gillard decided that she wanted to accompany Kevin to the
strip bar.

As the couple neared the strip bar, Mr Rudd realised she'd bark her $250
offer and Julia would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past
outings. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the
'Bitch from Hell'.

As they walked into the strip bar, he became even more apprehensive than
usual. Sure enough, there was the lap dancer. He tried to avoid her eyes
as she watched the pair walked past to the bar so that Kevvy could get
drunk enough to be able to forget everything that went on.

Then, from her corner, the lap dancer yelled: "See what you get for five
bucks?"

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Difficult Questions and Intelligent Answers.

Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Just drop it, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built.

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and
three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one
hand.

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs, he sleeps at night.

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that.

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A. The other half.

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A. Lunch and Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A. It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A. Liquid

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ebay item. Do read the Ask the Seller a Question bit too
 Click here

Really clever, I'm the one in the red car!!
 Click here

Mangel wurzel hurling
 Click here

Clever
 Click here

Cold Snap
 Click here

How to lose your job as a TV interviewer
 Click here

De-stress therapy for ladies
 Click here

Things you wont see on CNN
 Click here

OOOps!
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Kids and their Best Friends ..
 Click here

Telemarketer
 Click here

Toilet situation
 Click here

I'm Here to Pick Up Your Daughter
 Click here

Now That's a Cordless Drill!
 Click here

Please recycle.....
 Click here

What a shot!
 Click here

Family car
 Click here

Mr. Potato Head
 Click here

People in a hurry ...
 Click here

Cat who eats with a fork
 Click here

A chuckle for you
 Click here

Yike!
 Click here Click here Click here

Looking for something different to drive?
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Zen guide to life
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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