Friday humour - August 24, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

Here in Victoria, Australia, we have recently had the retirement of the
premier, Steve Bracks, and his successor, John Brumby, appointed by the
government.  Whether it is new blood in the states top job or finally the
politicians have a social conscience, they are taking steps to reflect
community standards in sentencing convicted murderers.  In particular I
refer to the recent conviction of Stuart McMaster for the manslaughter of
Cody Hutchings and sentencing to 13 years jail with a minimum of 10 years.
 John Brumby has recently announced the Government is drafting a new law
that will for the first time establish the offence of child killing. It
should ensure that those who take the lives of children get the sentences
they deserve.   The Government is thinking of a 20-year maximum, the same
as manslaughter, but with the intent that sentencing now be at the higher
end. It should be even tougher. If you speak to the general public the
consensus is that the law should carry the maximum of life imprisonment
applicable for murder, not child manslaughter.  It would send a signal to
the judiciary that Victorians regard protecting our most vulnerable -
children - as the highest priority.  "Cody's law" might bring meaning to
his death and protection for other innocents. And life should be life -
never to be released.
Now, onto the humour with my favourite this week:
 Click here


A great edition of written stuff with contributions from Anonymous,
Whizzbang, Diks, Duke of Barsinov, Allnutts, Zalaga, Arfermo, Digi Maria,
and Moose:


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Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams & Elton John are walking over a bridge .
Kylie trips, tumbles, grabs for the rail and gets her head jammed between
the railings.
After a couple of sideways glances, Robbie pulls aside her g string and
goes his hardest.
He stands back and says "Your turn, Elton". . . .
Elton starts crying!
"What's up?" Robbie asks.
Elton sobs, "My head wont fit through the railings!"


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Musings:
If you brush your teeth with Viagra will you give better head?
If I can buy a 9mm Glock with a 15-shell magazine, why can't I buy a
human-sized microwave?
Should houseplants be walked?
Wouldn't it solve two problems to run our cars on all those trans-fats?
Aren't you glad Alberto Gonzales isn't the military kind of general?
Don't you wish the military generals had as little to do as he seems to
think he does?
Is the organic way to get rid of head lice to introduce a predator species?
Have you ever asked a group of strangers in an elevator to "synchronize
watches?" (no)
Do they have bored games in solitary confinement?
If they make progressive lenses for your glasses why can't they make
regressive hearing aides that tune out assholes?
Why doesn't Starbucks sell espresso in disposable syringes?
Has anyone ever actually purchased a penis enlargement device from an
unsolicited junk mail?
Can we make it illegal to campaign in any year but the election?
If I forward my cell phone calls to my house phone and my house phone's
calls to my cell phone, will there be an explosion?
Have you ever "borrowed" a paddleboat and accidentally sank it? (yes)
If a girl from Guatemala goes to community college can she become a
paralegal alien?
What do you call a dozen in the metric system?
If I get Lazic on the back of my head will I see where I've been?
If I have free speech why do they keep sending me a telephone bill?
If George Bush could run the country with a remote would he press "fast
forward?" (He's obviously already hit "mute.")

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OLD GUY
An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
physical condition?"
I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
" Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive . . . he's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfathers still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"


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Sara Pipalini
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all
led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go
back to earth and be anyone you wish to be
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren." And *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini........."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who ?" he asks .
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it
to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it
back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by
1,400 men in 6 months."


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Inflatable Doll.....
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up.


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BLONDE JOKE
A blonde went into a world wide Message Center to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my
mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next
room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get
on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused. The man closed
his eyes and whispered ..."Well ... go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close
to her lip s, .tentatively said .... "Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"


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Subject: OLD BUTCH
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called " pullets" and eight or ten roosters, whose
job was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the
soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought
a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all!
John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the
next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the Boone County
Fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pullet surprise as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in
the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of
the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking
up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?


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Blind Drunk or Drunk Blind DriverLMAO!
This had to be an exciting experience........
TALLINN (Reuters) - An Estonian man who was caught driving a car even
though he is blind has been at it again, police said on Monday, and this
time he faces jail.
Police first arrested the man, 20, a week ago. "We arrested the same blind
man driving his car again on Saturday in the town of Torvandi, near Tartu
(in southern Estonia)," said Marge Kohtla, a spokeswoman for Tartu police
district.
"He was drunk. There were three people in the car with him giving him
instructions."
She said police wanted the court to jail the man for 30 days and confiscate
his car.


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You are never alone!!!!!!!!
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very
depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do lots of things that
took two arms.
One day in his despair,he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevatorand went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on
the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and
kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have
any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms
skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how
glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly
and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving
his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on
with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels
again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy ... my BALLS itch."


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THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES :
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Those good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning Now Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by Seven Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead


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For the ladies only, or not
This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow
near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a
handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from
you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and
happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought
to herself:

I DON'T---- THINK SO!!!!!

Share with all the princesses you know! It's sure to brighten their day!


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Collingwood supporters
A family of Collingwood supporters head out one Saturday morning to do
their Christmas shoplifting.
While in Rebel Sports the son picks up a Carlton footy jumper and says to
his 10 year old sister "Hey mole, I've decided to become a Blues supporter
and I want this for Christmas"
His sister, outraged by this, promptly wacks him around the head with her
carton of Winfield's and says, "Shithead, go talk to mum."
Off goes the little lad with the Blues jumper stuffed up his miller shirt
and finds his mum.
"Mum?"
"Yes, son."
"I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper for
Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this and throws her moccasins and a full tinnie
of VB at him, smacks him in the gob and says "let's talk to your father"
Off they go to Pentridge during visiting hours, with footy jumper in hand,
and find Moose, his toothless tattooed father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, knackers."
"I've decided I'm going to be a Blues supporter and I want this jumper for
Christmas."
Moose goes berserk and gives his son an almighty backhander and says, "No
bastard son of mine is ever going to be seen wearing that shit", and then
kicks his arse from one end of the rec-room to the other, just for good
measure.
About half an hour later they're all back in the old Torana and heading
towards home. The mother turns to her son and says, "Knackers, have you
learned something today?"
The son says "Shit, yes you old slag. I bloody well have."
"Good knackers, what is it?"
The son replies, "I've only been a Carlton supporter for an hour and
already I hate you Collingwood pricks!!"


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The Top Ten Things Men Know "FOR SURE" About Women]
1.


2.


3.


4.


5.


6.


7.


8.


9.


10. They have boobs.


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DON'T FART IN BED:
If this story doesn't make you cry from laughing so hard, let me know and
we'll send someone right over to check your pulse. This is a story about a
couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their
marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he
awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to
stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he
couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Christmas
morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs
sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards
and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought
came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was
sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the
elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts
into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his
usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could
hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her
eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty
good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip
as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Darling, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you
always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today
it finally happened. But by the grace of God, Vaseline and these two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in.


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LOUD S#X
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what
the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET S#X
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"


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Got Coyotes???
There is no arguing with cowboy logic.The Sierra Club and the US Forest
Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling
the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods
of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a 'more
humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's
Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.All of the ranchers thought
about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and
said, 'Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't
fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em.


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Warning
I'm not usually one for posting warnings but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into Bunning's hardware at lunchtime yesterday and some old guy
dressed in a red shirt with a green apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out.
Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.
Spread this warning on to all your friends.


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Eating Peanuts:
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a
peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it
deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the
hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he
could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into
the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That was
wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he grows
older?"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!"


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An Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the top prize the
other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come.


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"Ccybersex".......... I dare you not to laugh!!..
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex." Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through
Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one
of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat
doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he
does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I
work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36.
What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells
funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo
and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle
your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off
my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole
in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My
nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue
all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your
ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard
tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's
the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too!
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately, our naked bodies
pressing against each others.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you
know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my
face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh Noooo!
Sweetheart: .....( logged off )


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Medicare:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."


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20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a
hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with
that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks, once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme?
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all
day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party
because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling
"run for your lives! they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "due to the economy, we are going to
have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity..
send this e-mail to someone to make them smile.

It's called ... therapy.


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Bar joke
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and
start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the
glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them
straight down.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what's your hurry?"
The man says: "If you had what I have, you would do the same thing."
The bartender backs up and says "What do you have?"
The man says "About 75 cents!"


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This is neat.
The other day a young person asked me how I felt about being old. I was
taken aback, for I do not think of myself as old. Upon seeing my reaction,
she was immediately embarrassed, but I explained that it was an interesting
question, and I would ponder it, and let her know.

Old Age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always
wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body, the
wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback
by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but
I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family
for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind
to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my
bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks
so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be
extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they
understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 AM
and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60&70's, and if I,
at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body,
and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the
pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as
well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break
when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when somebody's
beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength
and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and
sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and
to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their hair could
turn silver.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what
other people think. I don't question myself anymore I've even earned the
right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like
the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am
still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or
worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day. (If
I feel like it)

 MAY OUR FRIENDSHIP NEVER COME APART ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE
HEART!
 MAY YOU ALWAYS HAVE A RAINBOW OF SMILES ON YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART
FOREVER AND EVER!

 FRIENDS FOREVER!

 Forward this to at least 7 people and see what happens on your screen .
You will laugh your head off!!!!!!!!!


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Words for 2007

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a Project
failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then
leaves.

ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.

CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to
applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.

ADMINISPHERE
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless
paperwork and processes.

GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're
just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your
declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a
McShit with Lies.

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

OH - NO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made
a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works
in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying
stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level
of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the
outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEYBATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa!
Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet
after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the
pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up,
whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed
instead.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At
3:00am.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you
got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4
buttocks.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now to the visual stuff with funnies sent in by Anonymous, Burnout,
Moose, Allnutts, Nottingham Smithie, Stonefish, Muse, Arfermo, Digi Maria,
Whizzbang, and Diks:

Wandos
 Click here

The Four Stages Of Life:
 Click here
PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP!!

Web site for softies, Metros & Nancies.............
 Click here

Spanish Practices
 Click here

Gliding cat
 Click here

Drinking water has always worried me
 Click here

Motor Cycle Crash?
 Click here

Remember
 Click here

Latest method for launching boats.
 Click here

Michael Vick Jury Selected......
 Click here Click here

Electric Bills
I complained about my recent electric bill and here's the response :
Dear Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent
price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big
company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice We have the
power, you need the power. So sad, too bad. We have enclosed a little
picture to help outline our response. Have a nice day and keep those
checks coming!
Sincerely,
AEP
 Click here
 target=_blank>Click here

Mood Badges - the ones we can't wear to work
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Things that make you say OH MY GOD!]
 Click here

Test for men/ an oldie but a goodie
 Click here

The American Family Picnic
 Click here

PAPERLESS TOILET]
My next door neighbour got one last Tuesday
And I haven't seen her since!
Be the first on your
Block to own the new
Paperless toilet!
Scroll Down.....
.................
........
....
...
..
.


One satisfied customer said she sat down, and was so delighted she didn't
know whether she was coming or going!
 Click here

They're back! Spice up yer life!
 Click here

No pictures just a very funny conversation!!!!
 Click here

First sign of being gay
 Click here

The game's on...
 Click here

Say it in pictures... (one more time...)
 Click here

Amazing kid!!!
 Click here
An extraordinary and gifted child...

He wants that plumber...
 Click here

Sandmonkey
 Click here

Global warming and the dumbing of America
 Click here

Oops - my kind of day
 Click here

Irish Builders
You couldn't make it up... This was taken outside the IFSC, Dublin the
other day. Look at the picture closely. They have done a wonderful job on
the bollards, they are in the process of cleaning up after a job well
done, but they may have forgotten about something...
 Click here

Corker of an Ad
 Click here

In all professions one has to have a sense of humour to survive the stress
Click here

SANDCASTLES ALL NEW 2007
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

Pass him on, he's great!
 Click here

Warning!!!!!!!!
Watch out for this scam. Police say that the gang usually comprises four
members, one adult and three younger ones.
While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert
their "mark" (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth
-- the eldest -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle
through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being
carried.
The attached picture taken from CCTV shows the gang in operation.
 Click here

From: Whizzbang
VERY IRRITATING ...Where will all this end? ? ! !
One of our pet peeves is the almost constant use of mobiles by people while
driving, shopping, dining, in line at the store etc. Does no one know how
to say "I'll call you right back"? Well, it has gone beyond that now, with
them being used in supposed relaxing getaway places like at the beach. This
is beyond being inconsiderate.
While on the beach recently, I had to just sit there and listen to this
woman for at least an hour while she talked on her mobile and pranced back
forth in front of me. I couldn't concentrate on my book.
How thoughtless and inconsiderate can she be?
VERY IRRITATING ... Where will all this end? ? ! ! !
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Forensic evidence
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that's all we have this week folks.
Keep the contributions coming to contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au
Use the address management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au to contact the
keepers of this site and the weekly mailout.
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Sender's contributions are acknowledged by name unless anonymity is
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removed on request (or attribution supplied, your call).


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