Friday humour - August 17, 2007



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


The great protector of human rights John Winston Howard has pledged to hold
a plebiscite in Queensland to let the good people have their say on council
amalgamations.  Mind you, it won't have any effect as it's a state matter,
but won't it look good all the way up to the federal election?

What did Howard have to say when Jeff Kennett did the exact same council
mergers thing in Victoria?  Nothing!!  There was no federal election in
the wind at that time.

Queensland Premier Beattie has been through an extensive two year process
and is determined to put into effect the recommendations of a committee of
state Labor, National, and Liberal MPs.

He's now saying that he may hold a plebiscite on the federal government's
WorkChoices legislation, and we all know what that result would be.

One could ask why we never had a plebiscite on invading Iraq.  That wasn't
even properly debated in parliament.

The sad thing in all this is that Opposition Leader Rudd is backing the Man
of Steel's recent populist behaviour.  This me-tooism has gone far enough.
How many other wedge issues will Howard now bring up before the election?
There comes a time when you have to stand up for your principles,
especially if they appear to be unpopular.


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First up some stuff from Allnutts

                                     Choosing A Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three
likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to
see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her
hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very
nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of
golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the
money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times
the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a
joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future
because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the
money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.


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                                    Aussie Love Story

       (A Great Aussie Love Story equal to Romeo and Juliet.)

Daryl is driving over the West Gate Bridge one day when he sees his
girlfriend Shazza about to throw herself off.

Daryl slams on the brakes and yells:

"Shazza what the blazes d'ya think ya doing?"

Shazza turns around with a tear in her eye and says:

"G'day Daryl. You got me pregnant, so now I'm gonna kill meself".

Daryl gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

"Shazza", he says

"Fair dinkum not only are ya a top root but you're a real sport too" and
drives off.


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                                           Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,

"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.

The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,

"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money!"

"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus", says the barman.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"Yes" says the barman

"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.

"Of Course" the barman replies.

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.

"What the fuck would they want with a bricklayer?


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This came from Burnout

                                    Employee Reviews

* "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."

* "His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity."

* "This associate is really not so much a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."

* "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."

* "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change feet."

* "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

* "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

* "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."

* "This employee should go far -- and the sooner he starts, the better
we'll be."

* "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

* "This employee should not be allowed to breed."

* "This man has the whole six pack but is missing the plastic thingy that
holds them all together."

* "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

* "He doesn't have ulcers, but he is a carrier."

* "He's been working with glue too much."

* "He would argue with a signpost."

* "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

* "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

* "Is apparently very careful with equipment, as his tools show very little
signs of wear."


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And from the CastleHill Bookends

                                      Grass snakes

Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be
dangerous.

Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

Here's why ..............

A couple in Hillsville, VA had a lot of potted plants.

During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to
protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of
the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it
go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream!

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was.

She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind.

He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the
floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to
lie still and called an ambulance..

The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on
the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency
Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on
a neighbor man.

He volunteered to capture the snake.

He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the
couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in
relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she
felt the snake wriggling around.

She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to
revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery
store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her
husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him
out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying
on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had
been bitten by the snake.

She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began
pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a
drunken fight had occurred.

They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it
all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his
sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa.

One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table.

The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it
started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the
window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out
and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and
smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, the burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the
fire department.

The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were
halfway down the street.

The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity
and disconnected the telephones in a ten- square city block area (but they
did get the house fire out).

Time passed!

Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog
came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their
world.

A while later the couple were watching TV and the weatherman announced a
cold snap for that night.

The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants
for the night.......

That's when he shot her.


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Digi Maria sent this one

                                  NEWSPAPER  ADS

FREE  YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
        8 years old.  Hateful little dog.  Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
        1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2  sneaky neighbour's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
        Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
        Father, Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound .

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
        Looks like a  rat. been out a while.Better be a reward.

 COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
        Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 NORDIC TRACK
        $30  Hardly used, call Chubby.

 JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
        Must sell washer and dryer $300.

 WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE. WORN ONCE  BY MISTAKE
        Call  Stephanie.

        AND THE BEST  ONE:

 FOR SALE BY OWNER:
        Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
        Excellent condition.
        $500 or best offer.
        No longer needed, got married last month.
        Husband  knows everything.


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These from Diks

                                     Dear Abby........

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife
has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually
fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I
think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she
went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I
could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with "the girls". When she got out of the car she was buttoning
up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse
and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs,
that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a
hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop
where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed


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                                     Sexual Maths

1. First of all, pick the number of times a day that you would like to have
sex (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 .... If you
haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (ie. how many times you
want to have sex each day).

The next two numbers is YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)


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                                My First Rectal Exam........

I went to my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse,
Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have
a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would be only a few
minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I
observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a
tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "look Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove
is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeable outraged and stormed over to the
door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse.....

Evelyn!!!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!!


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Here's some from Moose

                               Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked
if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to
get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't
have any milk. "

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."


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                                  TWO CROCODILES

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake in
Canberra.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it.

"Well," said the big Crock, "what have you been eating?

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'Crock.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Parliament
House."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg. shake the shit out of
them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a brief
case."


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Something from Stonefish
                                         Timbuktu

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to 2 finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, and then allowed 2 minutes to study the work and
come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was
'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand, Trekked a lonely caravan Men on camels two
by two Destination - Timbuktu

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that, they
thought. The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and
recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went Met three whores in a pop up tent They were
three,
and we was two So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

The aboriginal won.


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These from Whizzbang
                                        The Pope

The Pope is taking a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy
rules, he occasionally feels the need to exercise the right wrist, and
this is one of these occasions. Just as he reaches the Papal climax he
sees a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the
air.

"Hold on a minute," says the Pope, "you can't do that. You'll destroy the
reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," says the photographer. "I'll be
financially secure for life." So the Pope offers to buy the camera of the
photographer, and, after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a
figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He
meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she says, "how much did it cost
you?"

"Two million dollars" replies the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" says the housekeeper, "They must have seen you
coming!"


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                                      Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the
first girl,

"Tammy, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and
shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my
finger." St. Peter says,"Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy
Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Kelli, have you ever had
any contact with a male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass
through the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of motion in the line of girls. One girl is
pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.
Peter says, "Paula ! What seems to be the rush ?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want
to do it before Laurie sticks her ass in it."


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                         #1 REASON WHY NOT TO FLIRT!!!

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to
go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he
could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go
as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time
he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll
tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill
Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker
all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to MY BROTHER,
apparently he had the time of his life....."


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                                      The dentist

A dentist named Jack and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that
they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, Jack takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He
then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

Jack, surprised, says "Yes.... how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

Jack, now smiling with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How
did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"


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See If You Can Figure Out What These Words Have In Common......

Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Assess
Uneven

Are You Peeking Or Have You Already Given Up?

Give It Another Try.... You'll kick yourself when you discover the answer.

Go back and look at them again; think hard.

OK...  Here You Go..

Hope You Didn't Cheat.

Answer . . . . . .

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the
end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same
word.


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A quickie from Zalaga

                                              F1

"The Ferrari Formula 1 Racing Team Manager decided to employ some
Liverpudlian teenagers as the new pit crew. This was because of their
renowned skill when removing car wheels quickly.

At the first practice session the Team Manager knew he was right...... but
also that he was very very wrong.... Not only did they change all 4 wheels
in 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold
the car to the MacClaren team for 8 cases of stella and a bag of wacky
backy!!!!!!!"


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This came from the Consultant

                                         New pet

This guys wife leaves him and despite the fact she was always bossy and
always gave him a hard time about everything - well he was lonely and so
he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.

A better option than a wife.

So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which
came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, called the
centipede John and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the
pub to have a drink.

He asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go down to The
Queen's
Head with me and have a beer?'

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him
again, 'John! How about going to the pub for a drink?'

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided
to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the
centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey! Would you like to go to The Queen's
Head and have a drink with me?'

A voice came out of the box:...........

'I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fucking shoes on!!!!'


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To the pics now and they're from ... Moose, Croydon Caz, Stonefish, the
Duke of Barsinov, Whizzbang, Muse, Digi Maria, Allnutts, Zalaga, Burnout,
and
Notingham Smithie.

Never-Before-Seen Photos of Twin Towers
 Click here

RAILWAY VANDALISM - KNOW WHAT YOUR KIDS ARE UP TO!!
 Click here

Protective advertisement
 Click here

Aborigine Crop Circle
 Click here

Monkey
 Click here

Aussie Quiz
 Click here

Sunday ...
 Click here

RUBBER MAN
 Click here

Was that light red?
 Click here

Pit bull vs porcupine - not exactly  fun !!
A pit bull decided he would battle a porcupine in back of his house in
southern California. But being both brave and stupid, he ultimately
learned the hard way that he can't always win, no matter how tough you
are...
A vet sedated the dog, and then removed a total of 1,347 quills.
The dog survived, and hopefully learned a valuable lesson:
Don't mess with porcupines!
 Click here Click here

Living in a garbage truck
 Click here

Cant wear these!!
 Click here

Kings of Logistics
 Click here

Show 'em to me
 Click here

True Mafia Style
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Let the games begin...
 Click here

Knockout
 Click here

Don't hold your breath guys...
 Click here

The neighbour
 Click here

Minneapolis Bridge Collapse, how fickle the hand of fate can be sometimes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Work inspector
 Click here

Inspiring quotes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Slim Fast.
 Click here Click here Click here

Bud Light
 Click here

Six Reasons To Have A Camera Phone
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Pps fun
 Click here Click here

Life
 Click here

New camera: 2000 frames per 1 second
 Click here

Photocopier
 Click here

Real life in Africa
 Click here

Sam the bellhop
 Click here

Instant facts...........
 Click here


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This is the first contribution from former Minerals nice guy Gold 104 (Yo
Bob!!)
                               The Man and the Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40
please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the
waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62. "
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How
do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every
time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long
as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This from Slatts

STORY NUMBER ONE:

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for
anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in
everything from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was his lawyer for a good
reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal manoeuvring
kept Big Al out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well Not only was the money
big, but also Eddie got special dividends. For instance, he and his family
occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the conveniences
of the day.

The estate was so large that it filled an entire Chicago City block. Eddie
lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration to
the atrocities that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son who he loved dearly.
Eddie saw to it that his young son had the best of everything: clothes,
cars and a good education. Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach
him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.
Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't
give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to
rectify wrongs he had done. He decided he would go to the authorities and
tell the truth about Al "Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name and
offer his son some semblance of integrity.

To do this, he would have to testify against The Mob and he knew that the
cost would be great. So, he testified. Within the year, Easy Eddie's life
ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely Chicago Street. But in his eyes,
he had given his son the greatest gift he had to offer, at the greatest
price he would ever pay.

Police removed from his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion
and a poem clipped from a magazine.

The poem read:

The clock of life is wound but once And no man has the power To tell just
when the hands will stop At late or early hour. Now is the only time you
own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith in time. For the clock
may soon be still.

STORY NUMBER TWO:

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander
Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the
South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne,
he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top
up his fuel tank. He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and
get back to his ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he
dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet. As he was returning
to the mother ship he saw something that turned his blood cold: a squadron
of
Japanese aircraft were speeding their way toward the American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie and the fleet was all but
defenceless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to
save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.

There was only one thing he could do. He must somehow divert them from the
fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dived into the formation
of
Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 calibres blazed as he charged in,
attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and
out of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible
until all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dived at the planes, trying to clip
a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy targets as possible and
rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the
carrier. Upon arrival he reported in and related the events surrounding
his return. The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the
tale.

It showed the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet.

He had in fact destroyed five enemy aircraft.

This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the
Navy's first Ace of W. W. II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the
American Congressional Medal of Honor. A year later Butch was killed in
aerial combat at the age of 29.

His home town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade, and
today, O'Hare Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of
this great man.

So the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some
thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal
of
Honor. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

Butch O'Hare was Easy Eddie's son.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These from Stephen - the Joker

               Top 10 MOST BRILLIANT MARKETING BLUNDERS:

1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read
as
"Suffer from diarrhea."

2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."

3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only
to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people there
wanted a
"manure stick."

4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the U. S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the
label of what's inside, since so many people there can't read.

5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a
notorious porno magazine.

6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market
which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the
shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).

7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave" in Chinese.

8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a
chicken affectionate."

9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the
dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic
equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."
Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make
you pregnant."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A blind man is talking to his friend.

"I recently went skydiving," he told him proudly.

"How did *you* manage to go skydiving?"

"I just jumped out and went WHEEE!"

"Well, how did you know when to pull the parachute cord?"

"When the leash went limp ..."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Croydon Caz

                                     Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted. "Excuse
me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied. "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 50 and 51 Degrees
north latitude and between 114 and 115 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information. The fact is
I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going.
You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the
same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, you've managed
to make it my fault."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High
School, drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no
responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating
peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room
service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case ...


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from Diks

                                DEAD MAN WALKING

The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze Class
was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe
properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to
their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said: "Ladies, remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier!" She looked at the men in the room.

"And gentlemen, remember. You're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to
go walking with your partner."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then
a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" answered the teacher.

"I was just wondering," the man said. "Is it all right if she carries a
golf bag while we walk?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                  9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five
minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and
you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end
in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can
make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is
now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's
wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally an oldie from the Duke

                           Vet's Dead Duck Diagnosis

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said,

"I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is
dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top
to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his omputer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he anded to
the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried,

"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ....."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quote of the Week:


   "He can't win. I can. We can, but he can't."


Peter Costello - Treasure & Deputy Liberal Leader - March 2005


(Of course the gutless wonder was all talk and didn't go through with his
plan to unseat the Man of Steel ... possibly a good thing.)


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



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[ End friday humour ]

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