Friday humour - August 10, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Greetings all. Here in Oz the political climate is getting curiouser and
curioser as we get closer to our Federal election. The left (Labour) has
moved so far to the right that the right (Liberal/CP) is beginning to
border on fascist in order to differentiate. Our desiccated coconut is
announcing one ultra extreme measure after another trying to get the
opposition to argue in order to make a wedge or two to contrast with. So
far the opposition is just saying "well thatís basically OK with us". I
just hope there isn't enough time left for the government to completely
strip away all basic citizen rights and fundamental Federal principles
before the government changes. But even more, I hope the new government
will undo most of the damage soon after they get in. If the unthinkable
happens and there isn't a change of government we are going to be in the
deepest do-doos imaginable this side of a dictatorship.
Just have a look at the new "search and tap without a warrant or notice"
provisions being introduced into parliament this week and then tell me if
I am over-reacting ...

This week has an excellent collection from (amongst unnamed others)
Burnout, Castlehill Books Mob, Croydon Caz, Digi Maria, KRP from
Coffs Harbour, Moose, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Stonefish, Swinburne Sue
and Whizzbang.

There are lots to choose from for a good laugh (I especially recommend the
Italian Muslims), but my gobsmack award this week goes to:
Another amazing talent. She is only six!
 Click here

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Mortician.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.
He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, please
have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
a n excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

So I switched the heads"

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The Truck Stop

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he
think this place is? An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three Pancakes, a pair of
Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running Boards are 2 slices of
Crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a Moment and then
Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the Customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?" She replied, "I
thought while you were waiting for the Flat tires, Headlights
And running boards, you might as well gas up!"

For once the blonde gets even!

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The Saw Mill

Bill and Tom are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Bill
slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Tom
quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local
hospital.

Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill. The nurse says, 'Oh
he's out in Rehab exercising'. Tom couldn't believe it,
but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very
next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another
bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it
and Bill off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the
nurse how he is. The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again
exercising'. And sure enough, here's Bill out there doing some serious
work on the treadmill.

And Bill comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs
his head. Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and
Bill to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is. The
nurse breaks down and cries and says,
'He's dead.'

Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and
he suffocated.'

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Dear Mr Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings.

However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some questionable consequences:

1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear
from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I
eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,
onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after
a few sweet chilli and sour cream chips? I'm an eclectic eater, but think
you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue
marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key into the lock!!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to
ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when
I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we
can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning

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Husband Wanted.

A lonely older lady, aged 75, decided it was time to get married. She put a
wanted ad in the local paper that read: HUSBAND WANTED.
Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and
must still be good in bed! All applicants must apply in person.

On the second day of the ad, she heard the doorbell ring. Much to her
dismay, when she opened the door, there sat a man in a wheelchair. He had
no arms or legs.

She asked sardonically, "You're not expecting me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you - you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore no chance to run around on you!"
She snorted, "You have no arms either!"
Again the old man smiled. "Nor can I beat you!"
The old lady raised her eyebrows and gazed at him intensely. "Are you still
good in bed?" she asked.
With a smirk the old man said, "Rang the doorbell didn't I?"

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Question raised in a gender linked philosophy class

"If women are so good at multitasking ... how come they cannot have a
headache and sex at the same time?"

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Churches in Las Vegas.

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT
THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO
CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED
A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN
MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS
OF ORIGIN AND
CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS ... :-)

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The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He
called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of
Kentucky and I need some help.

If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The
secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."

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Jane teaches Tarzan

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said,
pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually
she managed to grasp for air and screamed "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan check for squirrel."

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We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:-) means a smile and

:-( is a frown.

Well, how about some "ARSEICONS?"
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse


(__!__) a fat arse


(!) a tight arse


(_*_) a sore arse


{_!_} a swishy arse


(_o_) an arse that's been around


(_x_) kiss my arse


(_X_) leave my arse alone


(_zzz_) a tired arse


(_E=mc2_) a smart arse


(_$_) Money coming out of his arse


(_?_) Dumb Arse

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Winter Exercise program...

Take one Weetbix.

Take an Aero chocolate bar.

Crumble the Aero over the Weetbix.

Viola !

AEROBIX !

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Half-Wit.

A man owned a small ranch in New Mexico. The Labor Department claimed he
was not paying proper wages to his employees, so they sent an agent out to
interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.

The rancher replied, "Well. There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3
years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.
The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free
room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every
day and does 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week,
pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every
Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

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Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned
out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."

I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will
remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a
word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good
Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday !" It felt a little better that
at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You
know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your
Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said,
"Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose to
eat instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis
each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful
day... We don't need to go straight back to the office,
do we ?" I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind ?" She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if you
don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be
right back." "OK." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens
of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday."

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.

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Saturday morning I got up very early, put on my long johns, dressed
quietly, made my lunch, slipped quietly into the garage loaded the truck
with rifle and stand, and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50
mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the
house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to
my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The
weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out hunting in that shit?"

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Civil servants are being trained how to keep their desks tidy as part of a
£7 million Government project described by one union as
"madness".

Staff at one HM Revenue and Customs complex have had strips of black tape
fixed to their desks to mark where items should be placed.

The pilot study at the offices at Longbenton, Newcastle upon Tyne, is
designed to improve efficiency by clearing clutter and keep computer
keyboards, telephones and stationery in their optimum positions.

It is included in a programme entitled Lean, introduced by consultants
Unipart to improve the performance of public sector workers more used to
dealing with red tape.

HMRC would not disclose how much Unipart was being paid for its service but
the Public and Commercial Services Union (PCS) yesterday claimed that the
dictum to desk-users was part of a £7.4 million national project.

One Longbenton worker said: "Telling people where they should place their
telephone is demeaning and demoralising.

"It's absurd that all this public money is being spent on this when staff
are quite capable of deciding for themselves how their desks should be
organised."

The union has had reports of staff in one office being asked if a banana
was "active or inactive", meaning it had to be cleared from a desk unless
it was going to be eaten immediately.

Kevin McHugh, the PCS branch secretary, said some staff at Longbenton share
the same desk, and have to rearrange their workspace,
regardless of the tape.

He said. "This office has been open for 60 years and people have managed to
find their pens and staplers without consultants helping them in that time.

"They are trying to turn people into robots but the whole thing falls down
because in certain areas we have hot-desking where different shifts come
in and use the same desks.

"If the person coming in after you has slightly shorter arms, then the
markers will be in the wrong place.

"Marking the desk tends to get members upset sometimes when they've got
personal photographs on their desks and they have to move them around."

A HMRC spokesman explained it was "only right" that staff sharing desk
space be given advice and support on how to make the most efficient use of
the space.

She said: "It will also help to make sure everyone has what they need to do
their job effectively and in turn support working relationships. Staff can
still move the things on their desk to positions that suit them best.

"Lean is all about how we can work more efficiently to deliver an even
better service to our customers."

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AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found
that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to
be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in
section 3 of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately
50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, n
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kevin Roben

Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd

PO Box 5004 ( 11 Dobney Ave )

Wagga Wagga NSW 2650

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Lucky Boy
 Click here

New English Tourist attraction
 Click here

What a pro! She barely missed a beat!
 Click here
.. and the you tube film.
 Click here

The Pony?
 Click here

Makes one feel very insignificant!
 Click here

This test will tell you how much you have changed. It is based on the
difference in your personality 10 years ago versus your personality now.
It only takes a few seconds. It's pretty accurate!
 Click here

Never give your kids a flip phone
 Click here

Woman's Needs
 Click here

WHY THERE ARE NO ITALIAN MUSLIMS
 Click here

What a wonderful world
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Tidy up!!!
 Click here

Don't fly Air China!
 Click here

Funny newspaper clippings.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Magic (really)
 Click here

Two Topless Strippers! Great Stuff!
 Click here

Kevin Wilson dictionary
 Click here

The day all women are waiting for ...
 Click here

Cuckoo!
 Click here

They beat me ... (XX)
 Click here

Some people are just lucky...
 Click here

This is passion...
 Click here

Ooops...
 Click here

Funny Bumper Stickers
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here

And you thought your job was bad!
 Click here

Open the first picture and study the marks the boy is pointing at, and try
to guess what caused it.
Then open the second picture. Don't cheat!
I think there's a lesson to be learned here.
 Click here Click here

Paris' first photo from prison! (XXX)
 Click here

Boys being Boys in Iraq
 Click here Click here Click here

Aging gracefully
 Click here

Showing off at the gym
 Click here

Chihuahua puppy born with love-heart pattern in fur
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

How to s##t yourself in under a 1 second!
 Click here

Shopping in Lebanon
 Click here

How to wake your drunk friends
 Click here

Sensitivity-training
 Click here

Bob the Builder
 Click here

Pmail?
 Click here

One minute art
 Click here

Terrible F1 Accident
 Click here

My Dog Is Smarter Than Yours
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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