Friday humour - August 03, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

It has been a big week here in Australia with the MFU (major fu*k up) from
the Federal Government on the Dr Haneef affair.
There is a distinct pattern of behaviour from Johnny Howard and his
ministers when a federal election is looming. As many politicians have 
stated, the prime objective of the party in power is "to always try to
keep the government in power". Governments are elected by the people to
ensure the positive development and growth of the nation and it's people,
not to look after one's own position. The issues raised to divide and
conquer, ie children overboard, Iraq/WMD, David Hicks, abuse of aboriginal
children are numerous. Prior to the last election Howard even had the
temerity to tell all he controlled interest rates and look how many
believed him! And now when they are tipped to rise he has the cheek to
announce that rates are in the hands of the Reserve Bank and not him! The
greatest indictment on this nation is the use of fear and loathing to
control the masses for the gain of Howard/Costello. Don't for one minute
think any Australian citizen is any safer than Dr Haneef in being used to
suppress the freedoms & fairness hard fought and won over many decades
(including the 8 hour working day!) to assist Johnny and his ego to
another victory.


My favourite this week is an oldie but a goodie from a few contributors
 Click here


A great edition of written stuff with contributions from Anonymous,
Nottingham Smithie, Muse, Moose, Diks, Allnutts, Whizzbang, Zalaga, Digi
Maria, Stonefish and Burnout:


Catholic Heart Attack
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a
Catholic Hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going
to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had any health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the
bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who also is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns
are married to God."
The patient replied, "Ok, send the bill to my brother-in-law."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Cute Story
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's
father to ask him for her hand.  Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love, and I want to ask you for her hand
in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10.  Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's
room.  It's bigger than mine, and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live?  You're not old enough to get a job.  You'll
need to support Jenny."  Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance.
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week, and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60
bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this.  He thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says: "Well Bruce, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out.  I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is so adorable!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from
receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. It tends to make the men
cocky and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about
the small accident I had with the ute. When I turned into the driveway.
Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't
worry too much about me.
I was coming home from K-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent but the ute fortunately came to a halt when
it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will
forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I
am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


One for the Welsh!!
Welsh man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool
with his hand. The Welsh man shouts "Paid a yfed y dwr mae'r gwartheg yn
cachi yn y dwr" (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)
The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you".
The Welsh man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Never leave your Nuts alone
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As
the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients
complied by standing up.
After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in
their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke
out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home
team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat
calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a
hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a
riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What
in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy
walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Leave it to a WV farmer
A West Virginia Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and
talked  with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your
farm for a possible new road."
The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field.
The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State of West
Virginia to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I
wish on farm land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams
and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and
close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest
full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step.
The old farmer called out, "Show him your card", "SHOW, HIM, YOUR,CARD!!!!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Here's some JOKES

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone
into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to
me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum
Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced
that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M
Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath
of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."


A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone.
So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.   Then she wrote a note
saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in
a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE
BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.
The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper
bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How
could you do this to another blonde?"


A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the
doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the
drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, and then the
computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down
to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and
deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and
off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid
heavy labour. Your elbow will be better in two weeks".
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science,
he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap
water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and
teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took
this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and
deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing
routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.


Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut
through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery
they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared
us half to death ... we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing
working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"


One day about a month ago, President Bush was looking for a call girl. He
found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a
redhead.
To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how
much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, $200."
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead. Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my
skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing
of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep
me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the
public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn't going to cost you a damn
cent."


Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One.   Bill looks at Al,
chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window
right now and make one person very happy."
Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000
bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".
Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I
could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred
people very happy."
Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all
of you out the window and make the whole country happy."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Old Prospector
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day.
He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of
whiskey.  He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there brushing some of the dust from
his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in
one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man,
have you ever danced?
"The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.
I just never wanted to.
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool,
you're gonna dance now" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned
around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule,
drew his shotgun, pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.
The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.
The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both
barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the centre of his
ass?
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

Don't mess with old folks . . . . . .


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Patrick O'Shaughnessy attended an interview for the position of Blacksmith,
when asked if he had any experience in shoeing horses, he replied that he
had once told a Donkey to F##k Off.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a
Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.  One day, a Navajo elder and
his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks.  The elder,
who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.  His son translated for the NASA
people:  'What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for a trip to the
moon.
When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to
deliver to the moon.  Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw
one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said 'Why certainly!' and
told an underling to get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief.  The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said. 
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously.  But he
refused to translate.  So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. 
An official government translator was summoned.  After he finally stopped
laughing, the translator relayed the message:
"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES:  THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


THE TRUTH
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
No one should live by the early bird policy without first finding out
whether he classifies as a bird or a worm.
Sign on a clothing store - Come inside and have a fit.
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
I've broken so many mirrors in my life, if I live long enough to have all
that bad luck, I'll be lucky
No matter what you wear, you will not look good if you look cold.


DUMB LAWYER
The brilliant barrister F. E. Smith once defended a bus driver against
claims that his negligence had caused injury to a young man's arm: "Will
you please show us how high you can lift your arm now?" Smith asked the
plaintiff.
The young man obediently raised his arm to shoulder level, his face
contorted with apparent pain.
"Thank you," said Smith. "And now, please, will you show us how high you
could lift it before the accident?"
The man's arm shot above his head.


To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It
is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door: To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
And finally,
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.


The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a
wall. He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to
cough!"


JASPER &THE UNCOOKED YEAST ROLLS
We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us in the summer of
2001 from the fox terrier rescue program. For those of you who are
unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10 year old
child whom you know nothing about and committing to doing your best to be
a good parent.
Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies. He will only sleep
on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as he can
get without actually performing a French kiss on me. Lest you think this
is a bad case of 'no discipline,' I should tell you that Perry and I tried
every means to break him of this habit including locking him in a separate
bedroom for several nights. The new door cost over $200. But I digress.
Five weeks ago we began remodelling our house. Although the cost of the
project is downright obnoxious, it was 20 years overdue AND it got me out
of cooking Thanksgiving for family, extended family and a lot of friends
that I like more than family most of the time. I was, however, assigned
the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast dinner rolls for the two
Thanksgiving feasts we did attend. I am still cursing the electrician for
getting the new oven hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in
the whole darn house that worked, thus the assignment. I made the decision
to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening to reheat on Thursday morning. Since
the kitchen was freshly painted you can imagine the odour. Not wanting the
rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put the rolls on
baking sheets and set them in the living room to rise for 5 hours. After 3
hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat, returning in about an hour. An
hour later the rolls were ready to go in the oven. It was 8:30 pm. When I
went to the living room to retrieve the pans, much to my shock one whole
pan of 12 rolls was empty. I called out to Jasper and my worst nightmare
became a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a
combination of the Pillsbury doughboy and the Michelin Tire man wrapped up
in fur. He groaned when he walked. I swear even his cheeks were bloated. I
ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds of uproarious
laughter, he told me the dog would probably be OK, however, I needed to
give him Pepto Bismol every 2 hours for the rest of the night. God only
knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any more than my kids
did when they were sick. Suffice to say that by the time we went to bed
the dog was black, white and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him
onto the bed for the night. Naively thinking the dog would be all-better
by morning was very stupid on my part. We arose at 7:30 and as we always
do first thing; put the dog out to relieve himself. Well, the darn dog was
as drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into walls, falling
flat on his butt and most of the time when he was walking his front half
was going one direction and the other half was either dragging the grass
or headed 90 degrees in another direction. He couldn't lift his leg to
pee, so he would just walk and pee at the same time. When he ran down the
small incline in our backyard he couldn't stop himself and nearly ended up
running into the fence. His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a
loon. I endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second call
within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had fermented in his
belly and that he was indeed drunk. He assured me that, not unlike most
binges we humans go through, it would wear off after about 4 or 5 hours
and to keep giving him Pepto Bismol.
Afraid to leave him by himself in the house, Perry and I loaded him up and
took him with us to my sister's house for the first Thanksgiving meal of
the day. My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch, (10 to 15 minute
drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124 less 12) and drunk dog
leaning from the back seat onto the console of the car between Perry and
I, we took off. Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but
believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen unbaked yeast
rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure Old Charter. They would have
matched or beat any smell in a drunk tank at the police station. But
that's not the worst of it. Now he was beginning to fart and they smelled
like baked rolls. God strike me dead if I am not telling the truth! We
endured this for the entire trip to Karee's, thankful she didn't live any
further away than she did. Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's
garage with the door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of conversation all
morning long and everyone made trips to the garage to witness my drunk
dog, each returning with a tale of Jasper's latest endeavour to walk
without running into something. Of course, as the old adage goes, "what
goes in must come out" and Jasper was no exception. Granted if it had been
me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked yeast rolls, you might as well have put
a concrete block up my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite
different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed blessing when
we prepared to leave Karee's house. Having discovered his "packages" on
the garage floor, we loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the
floor. This was another na´ve decision on our part.
The blast of water from the hose hit the poop on the floor and the poop on
the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like Portland cement
beginning to set up and cure. We finally tried to remove it with a shovel.
I (obviously no one else was going to offer their services) had to get on
my hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off of the
floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the darn dog in his drunken
state had walked through the poop and left paw prints all over the garage
floor that had to be brushed, too. Well, by this time the dog was sobering
up nicely so we took him home and dropped him off before we left for our
second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.
I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is back to normal
both in size and temperament. He has had a bath and is no longer tricolor.
None the worse for wear I presume. I am also happy to report that just this
evening I found 2 risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet door.
It appears he must have come to his senses after eating 10 of them but
decided hiding 2 of them for later would not be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing
research on the computer as to "How to clean unbaked dough from the
Carpet."
And how was your Day?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


HEADACHE - NOW THIS IS GOOD!!!!!!!
Husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said.
"I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.  You can take
it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Sex frog
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet.  As she
looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says: "SEX FROGS Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete'
instructions".
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the
instructions!
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.
As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully.  She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .
NOTHING happens!   The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this
point.  She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the
paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
store."
So, she calls the pet store.  The man says, "I'll be right over."
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.  The blonde welcomes him
in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. 
The damn frog just SITS there!"
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into
its eyes' and STERNLY says:
"LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this   ONE ... MORE
... TIME!!!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Two Blondes With Hammers...
Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity
house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail
pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing
those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them
have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!"


Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see "Closed for the Winter."


A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her
index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off
your finger?"
"No, Silly" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and then I
thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting
myself in the chest."
"So then?" asked the doctor.
"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid $3,000.00 to
get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."
"So then?"
"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to make a loud
noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to
a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to
have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really
hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder,
and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What
are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed
her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up
the windows first."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Here's a one question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the
rest of your day . . .
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of
brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper
and the purchase is made.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a hammer, how should he
express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He should open his mouth and say, "I would like to buy a hammer."

If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day . .
. I've got mine, shutting down right now!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 WHEN: |
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7 Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it.
10 You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 11.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Catholic Holiday
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to
make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really
outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they
went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on
beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop
dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight
towards them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father Good
Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then
she passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So
the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous
outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine.  After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde,
wearing a different coloured thong, taking her sweet time, came walking
toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them, said, "Good morning, Father. Good
Morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute,
young lady."
"Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Mary Kathryn"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


An important VIRUS warning
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY.  Do not
open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase
everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks
within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the stripes on ALL of
your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the
tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any
CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 0898 numbers. This virus
will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO
FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING?? It will
leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Immac and your Immac with Hair Restorer.
If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will
leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from
your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole
milk.
*** WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN ***
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so
hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of
you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.
Send this warning to everyone!!!  THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD!
Right now, as you read this, 17 Million people are having SEX!!! And look
at you - You're on the bloody computer!!!!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


A Man gets up hung over one morning to find his wife in the kitchen at the
stove. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in
the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed so very
drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't
remember asking her to cook my sock..."


Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me
slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"


A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled
LSD?"
Granny: "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now onto the pics and movies with another huge week with contributions
from Zalaga, Stonefish, Moose, Diks, Cartographer Chris, Burnout, Duke of
Barsinov, Allnutts, Digi Maria, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang and the
prolific anonymous

Useful
 Click here

World clock
This is kinda cool, and a little unsettling ...
 Click here

Take one tablet, three times a day
 Click here

Paris Hilton Interview
 Click here

Parent of the Year
 Click here

T-Shirts
 Click here

Mad Scooter
 Click here

Fun photos
 Click here

Cellphones
 Click here

The Damn show off. Just wait a second .........He'll come by -
 Click here


FLOODING IN  IRELAND - MAY 2007
If this doesn't tug at your heart strings nothing will. We've all seen the
faces of those ravaged by the floods of Sri Lanka and New Orleans....
This "award-winning" photograph of the recent flood waters rising in
Ireland captures the horror and suffering there. Keep these people in your
thoughts and prayers.
 Click here

What Men want for Christmas
 Click here

3 stages of a mans life...
 Click here

You think you've had a bad day?
 Click here

xxxx
 Click here

Watch the Ref
Dutch First Division top of the table clash between PSV and Ajax which Ajax
won 5-1. ( I wonder how much money the ref had on..)
 Click here

T shirts-Mostly new (A bit naughty some of them)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

How the butterfly put a hole in your roof
 Click here

From: Muse
Pay attention! (you really need sound for this...)
 Click here

Subject: a very simple test of geographical knowledge - are you ready for
Europe?
 Click here

Driftwood Horses
These ladies build horses out of scrap driftwood they find. Not only are
they beautiful but they are using what Mother Nature has left behind to
create another form of art.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

What a brilliant idea. Best with sound
 Click here

Collingwood cheerleaders - A bit rude.....................
 Click here
What Stunners, makes you wonder what the Carlton Chicks are like!
 Click here


The Wonders of Having Sons for those of you who do, and those smart enough
not to
For those of you who were fortunate to have daughters ONLY, be glad.... be
very, very glad....
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here
And you also find out very interesting things when you have sons, like
1.) A king size water-bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house
10cm deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 15kg Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on
all four walls of a 5m x 5m room.
5.) You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit
by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's  already too
late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with white king makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A 6-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old
boy
11.) 'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should not be used in the same sentence
12.) Super Glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jelly you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jelly.
15.) VCR's do not eject Peanut Butter & Jam sandwiches even though TV
commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.
20.) The fire department in East Melbourne has a 3-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the WhiteKing and brake
fluid.

Tractor pull
 Click here

The World's Biggest Breasts
 Click here

Dr Patel's latest surgery.....
 Click here Click here


Just because I'm old, doesn't mean I'm stupid
I had to replace a light bulb in the kitchen today, but my sweet wife told
me I was too old and clumsy to be standing on a ladder.
So, I asked a neighbor.  Then I held the ladder while the light bulb was
being replaced.
Just because I'm old, doesn't mean I'm stupid ....
 Click here

Actual Photo of a Person being shot at close range
This is for the guy's and DEFINITELY NOT FOR CHILDREN!!
Actual photo of a person being shot at close range. Seeing folks actually
pulling the trigger on another human may not be your cup of tea. We tend
to sit back in our living rooms, and view the barrage of information that
comes across from our media. We can easily become desensitized to the real
gravity and danger of the world within which we exist..
When I first saw this photo, my heart was instantly brought face to face
with "cold" reality. This moment of conflict, on some distant shore, truly
captures the results of what can happen when the enemy is totally exposed.
HORRIBLE, isn't it??
 Click here

Rambo move over
 Click here

Sleep
 Click here

Japanese Game
 Click here

How men screw up romance
 Click here

How to have a good day...CUTE!!!
 Click here

Hungry cat
This is good!!  If you have a cat and a dog, you have seen this scene
before!
 Click here

From: anonymous Click here
 Click here
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer
to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us
every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is
difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and
who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even
when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable
you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was
a good animal, and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his
tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my
love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will
call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said,
"Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen
like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has
indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and
who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their
limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of
adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes,
they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they w ere greatly improved.
And God was pleased
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.


Thus endeth the lesson


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that's all we have this week folks.
Keep the contributions coming to contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au
Use the address management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au to contact the
keepers of this site and the weekly mailout.
Use the address humourlist~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au to subscribe or
unsubscribe to the weekly mailout.

Sender's contributions are acknowledged by name unless anonymity is
requested. Email addresses are not disclosed. Copyright material promptly
removed on request (or attribution supplied, your call).



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (July 27, 2007)  Index Next (August 10, 2007)