Friday humour - July 27, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

Children being raped and terrorist doctors have not worked so now we are
trying river rage. So who is a slow learner then?

My gobsmack award for this week goes to:
How big do you think a Coconut crab is?
 Click here

Contributions this week are from Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer Chris,
Diks, Duke, Duke of Barsinov, Eric in his tree, Moose, Muse,
Nottingham Smithie, Stonefish, Swinburne Sue, Whizzbang, Zalaga and the
many anonymous.

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Finding Jesus

A drunk was walking along the river side and came upon a baptismal service.
Curious, he walked up to see what was happening, and the preacher looked
him up and down and said, "Son, I can see your life has been hard, and
since you have come here I have to ask you one question. Are you ready to
find Jesus?"
The drunk got closer to the water and said, "Yes, I believe that I am
ready". So the preacher dunked him under the water and pulled him back up,
and asked, "Have you found Jesus yet?" The drunk thought a minute and said,
"No, I can't say that I have." So the preacher smiled and dunked him again
and held him for a little longer, then pulled him up and asked, "Have you
found him now?" The drunk said "Nope, not yet." Not wanting a rumor to
start saying that he couldn't save a man the preacher dunked him again and
held him down for a full minute, then pulled him up and asked, "Surely
you've found him now," right? The drunk, gasping for air, looked at the
preacher and asked "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position,
still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away
and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then
asked ...

"How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"

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Murphy's lesser known laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time,
on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those
who got there first.
10. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
11. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
12. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Gotta' love this nurse...

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his
crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him
about. He finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so
he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape,
the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: "Get well
quick .. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."


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How many of these did YOU know about?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a knife
under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
(hmmmmmm...)

Use an empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them neat
and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put Dawn
dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)

To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for a
few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The
wax will fall out.

Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped in
baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt BLUE!)
rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads , I immediately take a pair of
scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away
rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be
much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In
fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!

Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen peroxide
on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood.
Works every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL

Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal for inside
windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks. Straight vinegar
will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day.
They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely
light scent in each room when the light is turned on.

Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will smell
freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels and
linen.

Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3
hours prior to burning.

To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the
flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two
of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil
on stove top.

Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato
based sauces and there won't be any stains.

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the
corn's natural sweetness

Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces ... Left over wine? What's that? :)

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and
you will experience instant relief.

Ants, ants, ants everywhere .. Well, they are said to never cross a chalk
line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants
tend to march. See for yourself.

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still,
leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to
tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and
easily.

Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer ...

Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The
citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous
China.

Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water
and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

Polish jewelry.
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry
for two minutes.

Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak
for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the drain
followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, and then run
the hot water.

Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)
information on to a friend! I just did.

Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it?

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Binman's St George bandana 'is racist'

A black dustman has been banned from wearing a St George's Cross bandana
because council officials say it could be regarded as racist.
Matthew Carter, 35, who was born in Barbados, used the headgear to keep his
dreadlocks out of the way while he was on his rounds in
Burnley, Lancs. He had done so for seven months before his photograph
appeared in a local newspaper. A number of local people complained, and
his superiors called him.

"I received a verbal warning," Mr Carter said yesterday. "They told me the
St George's Cross was not allowed to be seen on any clothing we wear
because it could be considered offensive and racist."

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Finally, somebody has cleared this up ...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.

Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or
religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the
true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won
a convenience store, a service station, a doughnut shop or a motel in
Australia.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones
giving technical advice.

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Heart attacks and hot water.

This is a very good article. Not only about the warm water after your meal,
but about heart attacks. This makes sense .. the ancient
Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals .. not cold water ..
maybe it is time that we all adopt this drinking habit while eating!
Nothing to lose, everything to gain ..

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you.

It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold
water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will
slow down the digestion. Once this "sludge" reacts with the acid, it will
break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It
will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to
cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal. A serious
note about heart attacks: You should know that not every heart attack
symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in
the jaw line.

You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart
attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms.

60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up.
Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be
aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive...

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Engineer Speak

Engineer says: A number of different approaches are being tried
Engineer means: We are still grasping at straws

Engineer says: We're working on a fresh approach to the problem
Engineer means: We just hired three kids fresh out of uni

Engineer says: Close project coordination
Engineer means: We know who to blame

Engineer says: Major technological breakthrough
Engineer means: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech

Engineer says: Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured
Engineer means: We are so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to
get it delivered

Engineer says: Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive
Engineer means: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

Engineer says: Test results were extremely gratifying
Engineer means: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

Engineer says: The entire concept will have to be abandoned
Engineer means: The only person who understood the thing quit

Engineer says: It is in process
Engineer means: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is
hopeless

Engineer says: We'll look into it
Engineer means: Forget it! We have enough problems for now

Engineer says: Please read and initial
Engineer means: Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake

Engineer says: Give us the benefit of your thoughts
Engineer means: We'll listen to what you say as long as it doesn't
interfere with what we've already done

Engineer says: Give us your interpretation
Engineer means: I can't wait to hear this!

Engineer says: See me/Let's Discuss
Engineer means: Come into my office, I'm lonely

Engineer says: All new!
Engineer means: Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

Engineer says: Rugged
Engineer means: Too heavy to lift!

Engineer says: Lightweight
Engineer means: Lighter than rugged

Engineer says: Years of development
Engineer means: One finally worked

Engineer says: Energy saving
Engineer means: Achieved when the power switch is off

Engineer says: Low maintenance
Engineer means: Impossible to fix if broken

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Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house at the end of our street.

The extended family who live there is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack
of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but
the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with his racist
comments.

A shopkeeper blamed him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's
girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All the kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone
thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in
nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control.

Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle

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A man had two great tickets for the World Cup final.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in
the seat next to him.
"No", he says, "The seat is empty".
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a
seat like this for the World Cup final, the biggest sporting event in the
year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to
come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup
Final we haven't been together since we got married".
"Oh . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find
someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head ... "No. They're all at the funeral"

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The
waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger,
fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A
hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the
week. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this time it's a treat, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and
salad," says the man.

" Yep! Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be 32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it
on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.

How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket
every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found
an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple
of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird
with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

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A doctor calls his patient and says; the cheque you gave me for my bill
came back.

The patient replied: So did my arthritis!

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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland.

One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady
of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The
Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat
down next to the woman.

"Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home"

"Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance
and tumbled to the floor.

After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of
Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oi mate, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand,
I'm Pastor Fluff.

The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as
well finish.

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Actual News Headlines Taken from US News Papers 

1. Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
5. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
6. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
12. Eye Drops Off Shelf
13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids
14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
23. War Dims Hope for Peace
24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
26. Deer Kill 17,000
27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

How true!!

A woman from Hobart , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a
piece of timberland, near Cradle Mountain , Tasmania.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered an owl that
attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the
ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help
her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the
Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from
a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Hummingbird nest.

A lady found a hummingbird nest and got pictures all the way from the egg
to leaving the nest. Took 24 days from birth to flight.
(Be sure to click on NEXT PAGE at the bottom of each page; there are 6
pages in all.)
 Click here

233 people where on board this jet bound for Lanzarote.
 Click here

You've probably seen this, but if not: This is the black Google -
apparently saves power
 Click here

Why mechanics like to deal with most women!
 Click here

Who takes these photos
 Click here

Big Mac! (gross)
 Click here

What's th' Time
 Click here

Korean Leader
 Click here

Corn ...
 Click here

You want me to smell what??
 Click here

A female Head of State ... No Problem!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Funnies
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Another Redneck Wedding
 Click here

Scare
 Click here

Heathrow
 Click here

Amazing Pictures
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Never get drunk in Thailand (XXX)
 Click here

Coolads
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

A Biker & his babe
 Click here

The happy Princess
 Click here

Ferrari
 Click here

Artwork that will Mess with your head!
 Click here

The big package
 Click here

Change the way you feel
 Click here

Bridges Of Life ...
 Click here

No Nonsense
 Click here

Here's to Mike ...
 Click here

Male stripper
 Click here

I remember when ...
 Click here

All the rage in Gippsland this winter
 Click here

How not to secure the paint on the way home from Bunning's (imagine what
the driver looks like)
 Click here Click here Click here

Mum arriving with the cake.
 Click here

Gingerbread Man Haka
 Click here

Submarine race (enthralling!)
 Click here

How NOT to Address the Judge
 Click here

Military Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Toilet cleaning
 Click here

Freaks
 Click here

Tattoo of the year (XXX)
 Click here

Show Them To Me
 Click here

Bad aim
 Click here

Close
 Click here

World's ugliest cat has babies!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

De-Motivational Posters
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Trust The Pilot
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Some pics
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Female Navigator
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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