Friday humour - July 20, 2007



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Nice to see a bit of feedback last week from Kev of Perth.  We are always
open to readers' views and opinions.


We turn this week to the strangely named "war on terror".  It's not as if
terrorism has only arrived this century, but in a moment of ludicrous
genius
George W Bush decided to declare a war on it and sent his troops into
Afghanistan where the 9/11 plot was allegedly hatched, and subsequently
into
Iraq which frankly had nothing to do with 9/11 but Bush keeps saying
different.  He did say it so often that for a while the majority of
Americans believed him, but it appears they have finally woken up to his
prognostications.  What took them so long???

Three years ago in Oz the Honourable Philip Ruddock (you know the one - a
star player in the "children overboard" affair, and the Minister who
didn't punish anyone when an Aussie citizen was wrongly deported and his
Department covered it up for over two years) came up with some "Be Alert
Not Alarmed" anti-terrorist laws that reintroduced sedition and long-term
detention techniques that could see people whisked off the streets without
charge.  At the time Mr Ruddock admitted that the legislation was flawed,
but because of the urgency rammed the laws through the parliament saying
that they'd be revisited and fixed up in the following months.  We are
still waiting for the fix.

Now we have Dr Mohamed Haneef locked up for two weeks and finally charged
with recklessly giving his cousin a mobile phone SIM card 10 months ago in
the UK rather than throwing it out prior to leaving for Australia.  If
found guilty he'll be incarcerated for 15 years.  (Dr Haneef's cousin
alledgedly went on to try and blow up Glasgow airport.)

After being charged the Queensland judge issued Dr Haneef with bail.  But
in his wisdom Immigration Minister Kevin Andrews (you know - the one who
brought in the draconian workplace relations laws last year but couldn't
sell them) has intervened and decided to keep Dr Haneef in detention
because he has a suspicion that Dr Haneef has an association with a
perpetrator of the Glasgow bombing attempt.  Yes - it was his cousin!  The
judge was quite aware of this.

Why do our politicians continue to interfere with our justice system built
up over hundreds of years?  Because politicians like to instil fear into
their constituents.  They know there's less chance of being voted out if
their country is at war - even a phoney war on terror.

The question we really need to ask is who is winning the war on terror?
Thanks to the actions and reactions of our politicians you'd have to say
...
the terrorists.  And the big loser is our justice system.


And now to the mail ... And this came from Beth in Scotland.  I presume the
stuff she's refering to is what Deano published from Kev of Perth.  Sorry
if sometimes our FH editorials and general waffle become a bit parochial
and mystifying.   But it's all part of the price you pay to get all of the
funny stuff.  If you don't like it ... Don't read it!

Here's Beth's alarming advice ...


Dear Davo,

Much as I enjoy my weekly dose of Friday Humour a little context would be a
great help. What the Hell was Deano on about? Having moved up to Scotland
I'm having trouble with the language here but Deano had me completely
lost.......

Meanwhile as an electrosensitive I can only stand and cheer at the TV
pictures of the anarchist with the tank who took out seven phone masts.
God
Bless him and his courage. I also gather the breast cancer cluster among
the women working at ABC television in Brisbane is headline news in Oz.
Its still continuing even though the women have moved to a different
office. Let me give you a clue as to why. The ABC offices will be wifi'ed
to the hilt and microwave radiation is a known carcinogen. The evidence is
mounting all over the World. Why breast cancer in women? Because the
underwires in our bras act as ariels to conduct the radiation emissions
into the soft tissue of the breast. The habit of carrying our mobile
phones in shoulder bags tucked under our arms makes it even worse. And its
no good smirking guys -
think where you carry your mobiles and check regularly to see if you have a
cluster of two or three since you began to carry the thing in your trouser
pockets. Its estimated that after several years of such exposure, those
who dont have three or more balls will in any case be sterile. Imagine
what this is going to do to human population figures all over the globe in
the next generation.

Beth


And now ...    To the funny stuff ...


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

First up from Cartographer Chris

                                       Time to Go

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another
43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This came from Allnutts

                           How Latex Gloves Are Made

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

"Well, there's a building in China with a big tank of latex. Workers of all
hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel
off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." She didn't
crack a smile.

"Oh well, I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure,
she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Digi Maria sent this one in

                                           Poems

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE
RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND
LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so Are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's quite a selection from The Duke

                                   Somewhere in Oz ...

Kevin "Thommo" Thomson walks into a bar with pet crocodile by his side. He
puts the croc up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll
make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my balls
inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open
his mouth, and
I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured its approval.

Thommo stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his Johnson and
related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth and
the crowd gasped. After a minute, Thommo grabbed a beer bottle and smacked
the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The crocodile opened his mouth
and Thommo removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

Thommo stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.

After a few minutes of silence, a single hand goes up. "I'll try It!" yells
a blonde woman from the other end of the bar, "But don't hit me so hard
with the bottle..."


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       HelpDesk

1) Customer: 'My disk ran out of space when trying to save my Word
document,
so I changed it from double spaced to single spaced and it still wouldn't
fit!'

2) Advisor: 'Press any key to continue. Customer: I can't find the 'Any'
key.

- Great Vision
3a) Tech Support: 'Ok, in the bottom left of the screen, can you see the '
OK' button displayed?'
      Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

3b) Advisor: Can you click on 'My Computer'?
     Customer: I don't have your computer, just mine.

3c) Advisor: You have Spyware on your machine which is causing the problem.
     Customer: Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the
monitor?

3d) Customer: My family in Australia use BT Softphone, I can see them but
they can't see me.
     Advisor: What brand is your webcam?
     Customer: What's a webcam?

4) No Saving Grace Customer: 'All my files I saved last week to my C: drive
are missing!'
   Tech Support: 'Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?'
   Customer: 'No, I don't . I just know it was on my C: drive.'
   Tech Support: 'Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files.'
   Customer: 'I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer.
Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday.'

5) Tricky Install Customer: 'Do I need a computer to use your software?'
    Tech Support: 'Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like
me to do that?'
    Customer: 'Yes.'
    Tech Support: 'All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive
please?'
    Customer: 'How?'
    Tech Support: 'Place the disk in the opening at the front of the
computer.'
    Customer: 'Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do
this'
    Tech Support: 'Um yes, that might be an idea.'

6) Customer: I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't
want my wife to think that it's me.'
    Advisor: 'I will remove them for you.'
    Customer: 'How do I get them back when she is not in?'

7) Tech Support: 'Have you made backups of your software and data?'
    Customer: 'I didn't know it had a reverse.'

8) Customer: How do I change channel on my monitor?
    Advisor: Your monitor won't have channels like a TV.
    Customer: But I was watching the internet channel the other day and now
I just get the word processing channel.

9) Customer: My mouse mat isn't wired up.
    Advisor: I'm not sure I understand, your mouse mat shouldn't have any
wires.
    Customer: Well how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?

10) Customer: My iPod will only play one song.
     Advisor: Which other tracks have you downloaded from iTunes? Customer:
Do I need to download tracks?


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                      A few notes from the retirement home:

An elderly gentleman developed serious hearing problems. He went to the
doctor and was fitted with a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back, in a month, to see the doctor and the
doctor said, "Your hearing is now perfect. Your family must be really
pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around
and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

                    *****************************

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre, were sitting on a park
bench, when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm now 83 years old
and
I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you
feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep....... no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

                    ****************************

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house and, after eating,
the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were
talking and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant. It was
really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What's the name of
that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's often
red and has thorns."

"Do you mean 'rose?' "

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen
and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last
night?"

                    *********************************

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman
already dressed and sitting on a bed, a suitcase at his feet. He insisted
he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules
being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way
down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him?

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out
of the hospital gown for discharge..!"

                    *****************************

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but
they might want to start writing things down, just to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she
asks.

"No, I'll remember it."

"Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top. Maybe you should write that
down, so as not to forget?!"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down!" she commands.

Now irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down -I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later, the old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs!!

She stares at the plate for a moment.........

"Where's the toast ??"

                    ***********************************

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

                    *********************************

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost
me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's absolutely
perfect."

"Really?" answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

                    ***********************************

Morris, an 82 year-old fellow, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few
days later, the doctor observed the sprightly Morris walking down the
street with a drop-dead-gorgeous young woman on his arm.

More days later, the doctor bumped into Morris, "You're really doing great,
aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc.....'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful!' "

The doctor then retorted: "I didn't say that.....! I said, 'You've got a
heart murmur; be careful!!"


                    **********************************

A little old man shuffled into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself
slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered
a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied........"Arthritis!!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's some stuff from Burnout

                                    The backwoods

An old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the
stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one
before, he remarked at the image staring Back at him, "How about that!
Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn and every morning before
leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin' around with."


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    Wrong bitch

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from
several weeks of intense action on the front line. He had finally been
granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very
crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an
empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well
dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said,
"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my
little
Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after
another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the
woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only
are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the
soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you
Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat
holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the
window."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     Missing in Brissie

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the Brisbane coast. He reports
the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what
could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple
of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'. '

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'

The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn.  But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of
nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And some stuff from Smithie in Sherwood Forest

TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES IN GEORGE W BUSH'S MEMOIRS

10  101 Ways I've Misspelled 'Condoleezza'  9   Why Mom And Dad Voted For
Kerry  8   The Best Memos I've Never Read  7   The War In Iraq, A 6 Foot
Sandwich, And Other Things I Started But
Couldn't Finish  6    How To Lose An Election And Still Become President  5
   Good News, America - Just 923 More Days  4    1962-1964: The Cheerleader
Years  3     Huh?
 2     Bubba Was Right - Monica Is Up For Anything  1     Chapter 20 ... Or
is That My Approval Rating


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                     INTELLIGENCE

George W. Bush and his mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said,
"I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh,
they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll
prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi
driver. "Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said
Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when
they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy
was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the
corner. You could have called instead."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                    RETIREMENT TIPS

Some tips for retirement planning from an expert in the industry: If you
had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

But if over the last three years you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer,
drank all the beer, then returned the cans or bottles for your refund you
would have $614.00.

So based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       BUY A DOG

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it
apart to remove the sports section ..... then buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy
of seeing you then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never
says its not quite as good as his mother made it ... then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and
wherever you want then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about
football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies then buy a
dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your
feet and whom you can push off if he snores then buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you
are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word
you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you
unconditionally,
perpetually then buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you
call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the
place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to
eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure
his happiness ... then buy a cat!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Here's a couple from Stonefish

                         Proud To Be A White Australian.

Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this?

There are Aboriginals, Torres Strait Islanders, Kiwi Australians, Lebanese
Australians, Asian Australians, Arab Australians, Boat People from all over
the place., etc. And then there are just Australians.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my Direction.

You Call me Australian Dog, White boy, Cracker, Honkey, Whitey, Caveman.

And that's OK. But when I call you, Black Fellar, Kike, Towel head,
Sand-nigger, Sheep Shagger, Camel Jockey, Gook, or Chink, You call Me a
racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the
housing estates the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Arab's union, College Fund. You have Invasion Day. You
Have Yom Hashoah, You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi. If we had WET (White
Entertainment Television), We'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day.. You would call us Racists.

If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" OUR lives. We'd be
racists.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships.....
You know we'd be racists.

"White colleges".. THAT would be a racist college you can march for your
race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, You would call us
racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid
to announce it. But when we announce our White pride. You call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer
shoots a Muslim gang member or beats up a Lebanese Drug-dealer running
from the law and posing a threat to society, You call him a racist.

I am proud. But, you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                 West Indian Girls & Panties On The Plane

There were three black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the
first time. The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al but I'm gunna
wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked.

The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floe esant orange
panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.

The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first."

The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties..... "

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't
wearin' any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look
fo da black box first."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These from Whizzbang

                                   AN IRISH QUICKIE ...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section
and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four
of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the
birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of
the
Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis
looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on
each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
says,
"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

                                    NO, THERE'S MORE ...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says,

"And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

                               IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which
he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgiejumping, den Seamus
parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Swiss Slap

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi
guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde
Swiss girl with a large chest.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand
print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The old lady thinks: "The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark,
and she slapped his cheek."

The blonde Swiss girl thinks: "That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in
the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek."

The Kiwi thinks: "The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the
dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead."

The Australian thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that
Kiwi again!"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


This weeks pics are from Moose, Allnutts, Muse, Eric in his Tree,
Whizzbang,
Stonefish, Zalaga, Biggus, Megazorch, and Nottingham Smithie.


The Art of Photo Cropping
 Click here Click here

Transformers - The movie - amazing special effects!!
 Click here

Just Shoes - well bugger me
 Click here

SENIOR CITIZEN AT THE BEACH!
 Click here

World of Ale
 Click here

NSW Barbie Dolls
 Click here

Choppers back
 Click here

Don't annoy a nerd!
 Click here

Bits n pieces ...
 Click here Click here

Ducks on the ice
 Click here

Medication
 Click here

Medical Miracle - 36 hours
 Click here

She is... actually sounding a trumpet with her mouth...
 Click here

Shattered Dreams
 Click here

Early retirement
Ever since I retired on medical grounds a few years back, I've been
searching for that "just right" volunteer job. I looked around a long time
and think I might have found it. It had to be one where I didn't feel like
it was a chore. Something enjoyable. Something a little different from the
ordinary day-in, day-out routine.
At last I am truly comfortable being a volunteer. I no longer feel like my
talents are being wasted on non-meaning, irrelevant trivialities. I do
feel good again . . .
I Found The Perfect Retirement Job...
 Click here

Fake or Foto?
Some of these graphics are photos of genuine objects, some are computer
graphics. What's your score? I only got 6 right.
 Click here

How to get ahead at work
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Which Bank?
 Click here

Eighties magic
 Click here

Work
 Click here

Naughty parrot [ Language warning ]
 Click here

Keep your eye on the snake
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Friends
 Click here

Stoned fireman
 Click here

New carby cover
 Click here

Sex positions
 Click here

Award winning ad!
 Click here

Have You Ever Seen A Frozen Sea? Cape town last week!!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

At last a remote control for men
 Click here

Albert Einstein
 Click here

Satelite -amazing photos
 Click here

Fancy this job?
 Click here


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

This lot from David O

                  MALE VS.. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful
research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the
Appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                             Like Mother Like Daughter

There were 3 girls in high school, they were all best friends and their
mums were all best friends as well, one mum was blonde, one mum was
brunette, and the other had black hair.

So one night, the mums are all sitting around talking, and the brunette
says, ''I found a cigarette butt in my daughter's trash can, I can't
believe she smokes.''

The mum with black hair looks over and says, ''Well, I found a beer bottle
in my daughter's trash can. I can't believe she drinks.''

Then the blonde thinks for a moment and says, ''I found a condom in my
daughter's bed, I can't believe she has a dick.''


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                             SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye.... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought... Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and
tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back
in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                       Ipswitch Girls

A Girl from Ipswich walks into the local dry cleaners.

She places a garment on the counter ...

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." She says.

"Come again?"...... says the worker, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "............ This time it's mayonnaise !

                                    * * * * * * * *

Another Ipswich girl was involved in a serious car crash.......... there's
blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till she's lying flat out on the road.

Medic says: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed.

Sharon replies : "Ok."

Medic says: "How many fingers am I putting up?"

Sharon exclaims !!....... "Oh my god.. I'm paralysed from the waist down!"
!!

                                    * * * * * * * *

A Girl from Ipswich goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.

"How many children?".... asks the assessor?

"Ten" ....... replies the Ipswich girl,

"Ten?" ........ says the Centrelink worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Ipswich girl.

"Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to
shout .

NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY or NATHAN GO TO BED NOW and they all do it. ."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?".......... says the
perturbed Centrelink worker.

"That's easy," says the Ipswich girl... .........."I just use their
Surnames"

                                    * * * * * * * *

A Girl from Ipswich enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says:............ "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says I'll take the red one."

The man says:.......... "That's the fire extinguisher." !!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

These two came from new contributors Hosgood and Birohead

                                     Phone Networks

After digging to a depth of 100 metres last year, Italian scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years
ago.

So, not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug
200 metres and headlines in the US papers read: "US scientists have found
traces of 2000 year-old optical fibres, and have concluded that their
ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephone 1000 years
earlier than the Italians."

One week later, the Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging
as deep as 800 metres, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They
have concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using
wireless technology."


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        The Mirror

Paddy goes off to England looking for a job. He finds a room with just a
bed and a mirror on the wall. He writes back to his parents in Ireland:
'I've found a nice room and there is even a picture of me on the wall'.

The parents write back and say 'Paddy, we would love to see that picture of
you. Can you send it over ?'

So Paddy sends the mirror back home. The father opens the package and says
'My God, look how old our Paddy has got in England !'

The mother grabs the mirror and says 'That's not Paddy ! That's some old
whore he picked up on the streets in London!'


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

More from Burnout

                                      Globalization

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer : Princess Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer : An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who
was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Australian, sing Bill Gates' (US) technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore
plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by
Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegal's.....

That, my friends, is Globalization!


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


                                        REMINDER

Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is National Orgasm Day.

Are you coming?


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Moose

                                     Italian Maths

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes
a little maths test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy." and he proceeds to draw
three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a nine," says the
Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that
he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this
Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but
represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again
and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One
hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree
and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you
gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd,
datsa makea one hundred. So, when I'm a gonna start?"


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

And from Muse in Canada

                                      Used car deal

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he
was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in
a used car.! He stopped and asked them why they were sitting here in the
car.
Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed... so
we're just waiting.


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Finally, from Whizzbang


Little Johnny comes into the classroom Monday morning with his cat tucked
up under his arm and sits at his desk. The teacher says "Little Johnny....
You know you can't bring your cat to school!".

Little Johnny looking rather upset says "But Miss, it was life or death...
I had to bring him with me!!".

The teacher then informs Little Johnny that he and his cat are to go to the
Principals Office and explain it to him.

So Little Johnny gets up, suspiciously looks around the room and walks out
of the classroom with a tight grip on his cat.

When Little Johnny gets to Principals Office, he and his cat take a seat.

The Principal says "Now Little Johnny, you know very well pets are not
allowed at school..... explain yourself".

Little Johnny replies, "But Sir, it was a life or death situation... I just
couldn't leave my cat at home and I had to come to school, so I brought him
with me".

The principal says "Tell me what was this life or death situation that
required you to bring this cat to school!"

And little Johnny explains:

"Well you see Sir, this morning I was sitting in the kitchen eating my
cereal and toast with my cat on my lap (cause that's where he likes to
sit) and then I heard the doorbell ring. My Mum answered the door and said
'Good morning I'll take 2' to the milkman!!"

The principal is a little confused and says "But little Johnny, why is that
so bad???"

Little Johnny replies:

"Because the Milkman told my Mum...'when that kid of yours goes to
school...
I'm gonna eat your pussy!' "


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Quotes of the Week:


The Government's move will be seen by some as a further erosion of
individual liberty in the global fight against terror.  But this case must
be viewed in the context of this dangerous world.  Civil liberty does not
carry with it the freedom to murder innocent civilians.

                                                          Herald Sun
17/7/2007


Yesterday's events raise fundamental and serious concerns about the
independence of Australia's judicial system. If Mr Andrews does not come
clean and explain under what circumstances he has usurped the courts, he
will give weight to the view that the Government is using its
anti-terrorism laws not for the good of national security but to suit its
own political desires.

                                                            The Age
17/7/2007


  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___._-end-_.___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___



--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End friday humour ]

 Previous (July 13, 2007)  Index Next (July 27, 2007)