Friday humour - July 13, 2007

Gidday from Deano,


Something slightly different this week.  Just to show that we are not
biased and are not imposing our beliefs on you avid Friday Humour
readers/contributors I am having a “reverse editorial”, where a reader has
his say on our editorial last week.

This is from Kev from Perth:

G'day Davo

Come on mate, give the Man of Squeal a break! He's sent in the Army
(Captain Brough) which means there's someone there who'll actually make a
bloody decision instead of calling for another round of consultations,
committees, reports etc etc. As for compulsory checks amounting to
assault, if I was a kid again I'd rather a compulsory medical checkup than
some old bloke shoving his old feller up my arse - now THAT'S assault......
And of course the problems that have been there for 11 years of Johnny's
reign weren't there during the 13 years of the Silver Bodgie and Pall
Bearer, or Malfactor before them, or Saint Gough, or Billy Bigears........

Keep up the jokes - if you don't laugh you gotta cry.........

Kev from Perth


My favourite this week is from on or our ever reliable contributors,
Burnout: Click here


A great edition of written stuff with contributions from Whizzbang, Duke of
Barsinov, Zalaga, Arfermo, Allnutts, Diks, Nottingham Smithie, and
Anonymous


Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador
Retriever in the middle seat between them.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was
allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a
"drug-sniffing dog."
He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you
once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle,
and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed
about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and
placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying
cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down
the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the
place. The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that.
He asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"


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Subject: How to get rid of telemarketers.....

HOW GOOD IS THIS!!!!!!
Revenge on the Telemarketer
Three Little Words That Work!!
(1) The three little words: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting
down your phone and walking off instead of hanging-up immediately) would
make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room
sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear the Telstra's
"beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your
handset, which has efficiently completed its task. These three little
words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other
end? This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls
and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This
technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales
person to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after
answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start
hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible.
This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number
out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their
system any longer!!!
3: When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw
away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-prepaid return
envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 50 cents postage
"IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw
them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes. Send an
ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon
to Westpac. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them
their blank application back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make
sure your name isn't on anything you send them. You can even send the
envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still
costs them $1.00
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their
own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let
them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're
paying for it... Twice! Let's help keep Australia Post busy since they are
saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why
they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea! If enough
people follow these tips, it will work ---- maybe you'll get very little
junk mail anymore.
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR
FRIENDS!!!!!!!


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A New Priest in Town

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.
One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in
his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get
a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a
jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the
local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin."


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Subject: Presidential Library Destroyed by Floods in Texas

A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of President
Bush. The flood began in the presidential bathroom where both of the books
were kept.
Both books have been lost. A presidential spokesman said the president was
devastated, since he was almost finished coloring the second one. The
White House tried to call FEMA, but there was no answer.


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Subject: Sensuous touching

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He
started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then,
he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over
her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.
He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His
hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then
started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do
the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself. The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his
side of the bed. " hy are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
He whispered back, " I found the remote!"


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The 2007 Darwin Awards

Yes - They are finally out again. The 2007 Darwin Awards

In case you don't know the Darwin Awards are an annual honour given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of
it.

And the nominees this year, in reverse order, are: ..........

7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply
because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into
the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his
house down, killing both him and his sister.

6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home dead of
suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to
create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in
its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow
tube approx. 30" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was, for
reasons unknown, inserted into his rectum and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his
death to his family very awkward.

5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when
another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the
occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around
their ankles.

4. A 22-year-old, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps
to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said
Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together,
wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at
Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a
police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his
car was found  nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was
greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael
said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a
friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The
friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized

2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of
a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all
potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had
been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon
entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later
described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of
the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the
lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

AND THE WINNER.....(ouch....)

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez
tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his balls in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the
crank on the machine with Sanchez's balls in place, thus wedging them
solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for him, the
height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than
his testicles are in a normal stance, and his balls were the weakest link.
Sanchez's balls ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked
from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle
was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the
washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital
for surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.
Note: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die.
But because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of
stupidity, we have allowed it.


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Advertising

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the
old established hair cutters' place. They put up a big bold sign which
read: "We give seven dollar hair cuts!"
Not to be outdone, the old master barber put up his own sign: "We fix Seven
dollar hair cuts"


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Small farm

A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had
been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a
fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small
barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just
generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat,
productive farm. Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled
rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done
together."
"Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it
on his own."


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Bad accident

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10 ton truck and landed up in
hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him.
Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a
day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."
"What does she read?"
"My life insurance policy."


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New Baby

Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at
birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger. After delivery, the
medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came
from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight---nine pounds,
eight ounces."
My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point,
could contain himself no longer. "How bout that!" he exclaimed happily.
"It's 36% more baby for my money!"


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Black Robbers

For anyone who didn't see David Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true
story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of
quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with
her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told
her husband and carried the coin laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already
aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall... very tall... an
intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are
going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like
perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear
immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but Gosh, they
had to know what she was thinking!!!
Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now.
Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty
effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed
with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she
turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A
second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear
increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted.
Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."
Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew
upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A
shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she
prayed. More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what
floor you're going to, we'll push the button."
The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was
trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and
looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she
struggled to her feet.
"When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one,
"I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't
mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip.
It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was
too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words
failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to
say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her
bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they
bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them
roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman
brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for
dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her
room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar
bill.
The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed; Eddie Murphy and Michael Jordan


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Kids

Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a
very credible still life of fruit. I made a colour printout and sent it to
my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived.
"Isn't it good?" I asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom,
it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator."

Jim said to his son, "It's time we had a little talk, my son. Soon you will
have urges and feelings you've never had before. Your heart will pound and
your hands will sweat. You'll be preoccupied and won't be able to think of
anything else."
"But don't worry, it's perfectly normal... it's called golf."


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Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York, have gone on strike. Hospital
officials say they will find out what the doctor's demands are as soon as
they get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.

"You know you're on a diet when cat food commercials make you hungry."

Why Exercise Didn't Work for Me ... I tried exercise as a means of burning
fat, but it didn't work for me. When the fat started burning, it smelled
like bacon and that made me hungry!

Parent's glossary of kids' kitchen terms:
Appetizing: Anything advertised on tv.
Boil: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "yuck" before a
food is even tasted.
Casserole: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are
mixed together.
Chair: Spot left vacant by mid meal bathroom visit.
Cookie (last one): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
Crust: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of china, India,
Africa, or Europe (check one).
Desserts: The reason for eating a meal.
Evaporate : Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear
the table or wash dishes.
Fat: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat
they do not wish to eat.
Floor: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
Fork: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
Fried foods: Gourmet cooking
Frozen: Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.
Fruit: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
Germs: The only thing kids will share freely.
Kitchen: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
Leftovers: Commonly described as "gross."
Liver: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
Lollipop: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
Macaroni: Material for a collage.
Measuring cup: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
Metric: A system of measurement that will be accepted only after forty
years of wandering in the desert.
Napkin: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
Natural food: Food eaten with unwashed hands.
Nutrition: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage,
and constant guard duty.
Plate: A breakable frisbee.
Refrigerator: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when
not being used as an art gallery.
Saliva: A medium for blowing bubbles.
Soda pop: Shake'n spray.
Table: A place for storing gum.
Table leg: Percussion instrument
Thirsty: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
Vegetable: A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger -- but only by sight.
Water: The cola of underdeveloped countries.


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I hadn't thought of this for raising funds

Here's a genuine letter that was recently sent to the UK's Secretary of
State for the Department of the Environment, Food & Rural Affairs. One in
the eye for The Common Agricultural Policy.

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for
£3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now
like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and
which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach
this endeavour in keeping with all governmental policies, as dictated by
the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy. I would prefer not to rear
bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just
as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare
breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many
people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate
record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local
Authority courses on this?
My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs
for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in
1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing
any.
If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing
100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to
about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first
year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more
ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second
year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department.
Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradeable carbon
credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane
gases?
Another point: These pigs that I plan to not rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes
of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops.
Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I
don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any
information you have on that too. Please could you also include the
current DEFRA advice on set-aside fields? Can this be done on an
e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several
thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed,
and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,

Nigel Johnson-Hill


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Buzzword Bonanza - Whatever happened to the language of Shakespeare

I think we need to hit the ground running, keep our eye on the ball, and
make sure that we are all singing off the same song sheet. At the end of
the day, it is not a level playing field and the goal posts may move; if
they do, someone else may have to pick it up and run with it. We therefore
must have a golf bag of options hot-to-trot from  the word 'go'. It is your
train set but we cannot afford to leave it on the back burner; we've got a
lot of irons in the fire right now.
We need to unstick a few potential poo traps but it all depends on the
flash to bang time and fudge factor allowed. Things may end up slipping to
the left, if they do, we need to run a tight ship. I don't want to reinvent
the wheel but we must get right into the weeds on this one. If push comes
to shove, we may have to up stumps and then we'll be in a whole new ball
game.
I suggest we test the water with a few warmers in the bank. If we can
produce the goods then we are cooking with gas. If not, then we are in a
world of hurt. I don't want to die in a ditch over it but we could easily
end up in a flat spin if people start getting twitchy. To that end, I want
to get round the bazaars and make sure the movers and the shakers are
on-side from day one. If you hit me with your shopping list I can take it
to the head honchos and start the ball rolling.
There is light at the end of the tunnel and I think we have backed a winner
here. If it gets blown out of the water, however, I will be throwing a
track. So get your feet into my in-tray and give me chapter and verse as
to how you see things panning out. As long as our ducks are in a row I
think the ball will stay in play and we can come up smelling of roses.
Before you bomb burst and throw smoke, it is imperative we nail our colours
very firmly to the mast and look at the big picture. We've got to march to
the beat of the drum.
We are on a sticky wicket, so we'll need to play with a straight bat and
watch out for fast balls.
I've been on permanent send for long enough and I've had my ten pence
worth. I don't want to rock the boat or teach anyone to suck eggs. We must
keep this firmly in our sight / picture or it will fall between the cracks.
If the cap fits, wear it, but it may seem like pushing fog up a hill with a
sharp stick. Let's kick the tyres and light those fires.
Hope this clarifies the situation for you!!


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Think about it

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to
make a dent in that pile of sand." So when the foreman returns after being
away for a couple of hours, The pile of sand is untouched.
He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella
that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no
coulda finda him  nowhere."
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told
you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get
meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, Boot
ah couldna fin' him neither."
The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to
look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and
yells, "Supplies!!!!"


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If Tommy Cooper was alive today

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU ! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No,
just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He s aid, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been
promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd
been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing
director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me
what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"


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Unusual Cookbooks

      The World's Top 10 Weirdest Cookbooks:

1.. Manifold Destiny: The One, The Only, Guide To Cooking On Your Car
Engine by Bill Scheller & Chris Maynard
2.. The Roadkill Cookbook by Buck Peterson
3.. The Eat-A-Bug Cookbook by David George Gordon
4.. The Special Effects Cookbook by Michael Samonek
5.. Cooking in the Nude by Stephen Cornwell & Debbra Cornwell
6.. Cooking to Kill: The Poison Cook Book by Ebenezer Murgatroyd
7.. Star Wars Cookbook: Wookiee Cookies and other Galactic Recipes by Robin
Davis
8.. Mini Ketchup Cookbook by Cameron Pearl
9.. Cooking for Cats by Elisabeth Meyer
10.. Strange Foods: Bush Meats, Bats and Butterflies by Jerry Hopkins


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Coke VERSUS Water

Yikes! It's hard to believe this..... Very interesting!

WATER

#1.   75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half
the world population.) #2.   In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is
so weak that it is mistaken for hunger.
#3.   Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as 3%.
#4.  One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost
100% of the dieters studied in a University of Washington study.
#5.  Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
#6.   Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could
significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
#7.   A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory,
trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or
on a printed page.
#8.  Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer
by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%., and one is
50% less likely to develop bladder cancer. Are you drinking the amount of
water you should drink every day?

COKE:
#1.   In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the
trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
#2.  You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in
two days.
#3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and let
the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in
Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
#4.  To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a
rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
#5.  To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola
over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
#6.  To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the
rusted bolt for several minutes.
#7.  To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan,
wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before ham is
finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for
a sumptuous brown gravy.
#8...   To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into the load of
greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The
Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:
#1.  The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It will dissolve a
nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones
and is a major contributor to the rising increase of osteoporosis.
#2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial trucks must
use a hazardous Material place cards reserved for highly corrosive
materials.
#3.  The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean engines of the
trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is... would you like a glass of WATER? OR A CAN OF THIS
POP?

Quick! Send this helpful info to your friends -- health conscious or not
!!!!


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Globalization

Finally, a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can
relate

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French
tunnel,  driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who
was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
spelling), followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by an Australian, using Bill Gates's technology, and
you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore
plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican
illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization!


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Subject: chicken farm
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give
up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He
bought a nice, used chicken farm and moved in. As it turned out, his next
door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The neighbour came for a visit
one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you
get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the neighbour dropped
by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too well. All
100 chickens died."
The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble
with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by and the neighbour stopped by again. The new
farmer said, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100
chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbour asked, "What went wrong?"
The new farmer said, "Well, I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep
or too close together."


___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And now to the pictures and movies with stuff sent in this week by
Whizzbang, Zalaga, Stonefish, Moose, Allnutts, Burnout, Cartographer
Chris, Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Arfermo and Anonymous:

Fuel Crisis
 Click here

Bombed out
 Click here

Balloons
Can you imagine some guy going 90 mph on the highway with these balloons
trailing about a few yards behind him?
Instructions for a fun time on the highway:
Step 1. Tie balloons to car.
Step 2. Drive like a bat out of hell....
Step 3. Watch people freak out!!!!
 Click here

Wedding
 Click here

Good ad
 Click here

Einstein the bird
 Click here

Young engineers
 Click here Click here

So long...
 Click here

Keeping in shape...
 Click here

How to cut a guy down to size...
 Click here

Night sounds
 Click here

Office pleasures
 Click here

African commercial - this is quite good.
 Click here

Tattoo remover
 Click here

Position vacant:
Job Opportunity
Job description: HORSE RIDE ASSISTANT
Job location:  Beach in Tambaba
Salary: $5/week
People needed : 3
APPLICANTS  (so far) : 6,437,943
 Click here

Did anyone say idiot?
 Click here

The hardest cop in the world
 Click here

Dumb yanks -Too Funny !!
 Click here

Scientific Experiment
 Click here

Something to consider
 Click here

ITAL FLORIDA' Heavy weather damage
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Punishing your BOSS
 Click here


WARNING XXXX
Smileys that actually make you Smile
 Click here


WARNING XXXX
Subject:  How to feed fish
 Click here Click here


WARNING – a little bit XXXX (bad language)
How Postman Pat really feels
 Click here

Mixture
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Popular products
This store does a roaring trade every day of the year. It's great to know
where it is - just in case you need it. They only stock one product - but
boy, is it popular. Supply and demand meet to perfection. They ship all
over the world and can rarely keep up with demand. Do you know any of
their regular customers?
 Click here

Funny label
 Click here Click here

Ladybird Books
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Fancy an elephant riding holiday in Asia???
 Click here

Melbourne past and present
 Click here

Its Friday!!!  - Oldie but goodie!!!!!
It's  coming!!!!!
Can  you smell Friday?
 Click here
I  TELL ya its Friday ! ! !
I  can smell it  ....  the  weekend is getting closer  !!
 Click here
Keep  going, it  is  nearly  the  weekend!!!
 Click here
Put  your hands in da air and wave 'em like you just don't care
cause....ITS  FRIDAY
 Click here
Time to do the  Friday dance!!!!! .
Have a great  weekend!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here


Boogie, Enjoy !
 Click here
This is definitely worth the listen!!!   Especially if you like the old
boogie woogie style of music.  A few of you are a little to0 young to
remember that style of piano so take the time to listen to some good
music.  Also take the time to read the little gems of philosophy that
appear below.


Turn up sound

Boogie Through Life!

Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Pain and Suffering is inevitable but Misery is optional.

Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, Today is a gift. That's why
it's called: The Present.

A good exercise for the heart is to bend down and help another up.

Life is what you make of it, kinda like Play-Doh

The bubbling brook would lose its song if you removed the rocks.

Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.

Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not, then it's not the end.

If all my friends jumped off a cliff, I wouldn't jump with them. I would be
at the bottom to catch them.

A girl on the street is pointing up at the sky. “Look, an Angel!' she
yells.
Passer-by laughs, 'You fool, that is only a cloud.'
How wonderful it would be to see Angels where there  are only clouds. How
sad it would be to see clouds where there are Angels.

Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished:
If you're alive, it isn't. So be happy! Don't let anything burst your
balloon! Boogie through life!

Have a real happy day today! Enjoy it because you got up this morning

hAHh

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


And that's all we have this week folks.
Keep the contributions coming to contribute~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au
Use the address management~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au to contact the
keepers of this site and the weekly mailout.
Use the address humourlist~at~bluehaze~dot~com~dot~au to subscribe or
unsubscribe to the weekly mailout.

Sender's contributions are acknowledged by name unless anonymity is
requested. Email addresses are not disclosed. Copyright material promptly
removed on request (or attribution supplied, your call).



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[ End friday humour ]

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