Friday humour - July 06, 2007



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


Our mean and tricky Man of Steel, Honest John, is at it again ...

Nobody in government has been more opposed to "reconciliation" with the
Aboriginal people.  Nobody has been less inclined to say "sorry" about the
stolen generations.

Over his eleven years in office John Howard has received many reports on
the soulless plight of Aboriginal children.  He's never acted on any of
them as (like with his asylum seekers Pacific Solution) out of site is out
of voters' minds.

All of a sudden, four months out from an election, Howard latches onto the
latest report and announces a "national emergency".  There is no
consultation with Aboriginal leaders, the NT government, or seemingly his
own cabinet ministers including the Treasurer.

Howard has announced a six months totally un-funded gung-ho strategy of
sending in the troops, extra police, and doctors to perform compulsory
health checks on all Aboriginal children.  He's had to since drop the
compulsory nature of the checks as legally it would have amounted to
assault.  You'd think he could at least have discussed this aspect with
somebody prior to his shock and awe announcement.

So what is his vision?  It would seem that two months after winning the
election our Man of Steel would push all of this back under the carpet
where he consistently has demonstrated that it really belongs.

The great shame in all of this is that the plight of Aboriginal people IS a
national emergency. It has been for the 11 years of Howard's reign.  It
requires a long term, properly funded, consultative solution.

At least many people are finally waking up to our Honest John.  In this
weeks Galaxy Poll only 25% believed that Howard actually cares about the
problem.  58% of respondents saw Howard's national emergency announcement
as a vote-grabbing stunt.


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First up from the Castlehill Bookworms

                             TERROR ALERTS - LATEST

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been
re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire
of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy


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And from KRP from Coffs Harbour

                                       Moose shoot

An engineer, a physicist, and a statistician were moose hunting in northern
Canada. After a short walk through the marshes they spotted a HUGE moose
150 metres away.

The engineer raised his gun and fired at the moose. A puff of dust showed
that the bullet landed 3 metres to the right of the moose.

The physicist, realizing that there was a substantial breeze that the
engineer did not account for, aimed to the left of the moose and fired.
The bullet landed 3 metres to the left of the moose.

The statistician jumped up and down screaming, "We got him! We got him!"


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This from Muse of London, Canada

    Congress Votes to Outsource Presidency, Washington, DC (AP)

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States
of America will be outsourced to India as of July 1, 2007. The move is
being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and
also a record $521 Billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead
the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,"
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).

"We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of
cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination.
Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices (Mumbai, India) will assume the
office of President as of July 1, 2007. Mr. Singh was born in the United
States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus
making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320
(USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job
responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference
between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few
offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me
to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in
an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped
I would be
President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully
aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should
not be a problem, as President Bush was not familiar with the issues
either.

It is not yet clear if plans are being considered for outsourcing the
Senate and the House of Representatives. This could seriously affect
staffing efficiency at the Dell call center. Special interests and
lobbyists here are expected to seriously push back on any such efforts. It
is thought that saving the hundreds of millions of dollars now spent
annually on campaign financing could positively affect the U. S. economy.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond
effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he
can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying
issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the
spokesperson.
"President Bush has used them successfully for years."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day
of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for
$140 a week unemployment for 13 weeks.

He will not also be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits
will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement
services of Manpower, Inc., to help him write a resume and prepare for his
upcoming job transition.

According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new
position due to limited practical or successful work experience. A greeter
position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience
shaking hands, as well as his special smile.

If approved, most of the affected Congressional positions would probably
revert to entry level Internet bloggers or on-call street activists. If
nothing else, they may be offered jobs as reporters or TV commentators.


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Here's a couple from Smithie of Sherwood Forest

                                       Speakers

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that
can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The
iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered
to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men
staring at their breasts ... and not listening to them.

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                             NEW ENLISTMENT OATHS

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the
Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I
swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real
exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of
exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a
better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be
sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic
Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting,
civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will
make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the
back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So
Help Me
God!"
____________________ Signature ____________________ Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre
life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the
ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and
the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every
day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to
use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when
I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing
machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I
acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my Sexual..... er..... I mean "Basic Training," I will
attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less
than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk
around like
I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay
home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air
Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her
back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000
hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to
"COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that
will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working
construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone
about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it
because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"
_____________________ Signature _____________________ Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like
the
Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim... why not?" I promise to
wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled
on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be
mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS
during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest
of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk,
scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat,
candy,
water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the
fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for
that matter, are completely different from the other ser vices and make
absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700
every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will
show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and
still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted
at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I
am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal,
whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"
______________________ Signature ______________________ Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear.. uhhhh....
high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies.... kill.... fix bayonets....
charge....
slash.... dig.... burn.... blowup.... ugh... Air Force women.... beer.....
sailors wives..... air strikes.... yes SIR!.... whiskey.... liberty
call....
salute.... Ooorah Gunny.... grenades... women.... OORAH! So Help Me Chesty
PULLER!"
X____________________ Thumb Print
XX _________________________________ Teeth Marks _____________________ Date


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Good old Whizzbang sent these in

                              WRIGLEY'S CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in
a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The
Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a
conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Australian folk eat the whole
bread?"

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast,
and replied, "of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them
transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia ."

The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with your bread?" Sighing, the
Australian replied, "of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the
States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds
and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and
sell it to Australia .

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said "Why of course we do." The Australian leaned
closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've
used them?"

"We throw them away, of course!"

Now it was the Australians turn to smile.

"We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt
them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States . Why do you
think it's called Wrigley's?"


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                                         Revenge

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a
flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a
house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he
wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money
to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told
him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have
any diseases?"

Of course the Madam had to say "No, not that I'm aware of".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was
so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the
first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed
out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the
place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get
back,
Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the
car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed
and have sex, and Mum will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work,
the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the
disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"


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                                   Heaven Choices

One day, during his morning walk, John Howard drops dead. He arrives at the
Pearly Gates, to be told by St Peter: "We seldom see a Liberal, so we're
not sure what to do with you."

No problem, says Howard. "Just let me in,  I'm a good Christian."

But St Peter tells him it's not that simple. Under God's new HEAVEN CHOICES
policy, Howard must spend one day in hell and one day in heaven before
choosing where he'll live for eternity. And with that, St Peter rings the
bell, an elevator arrives, and down Howard goes, non-stop, to hell.

However, when the doors open Howard finds himself on a lush golf course.
The sun is shining, the day is perfect, and standing in front of a
beautiful clubhouse is Bob Menzies, Billy McMahon, Billy Hughes, Joh
Bjelke-Petersen,
Frank and Kerry Packer, Bob Askin, Bob Santamaria, and many more. They all
run to hug him and talk about the old times they had getting rich. They
play a round of golf, have a lot of laughs, dine in the club on lobster
and champagne, and are having such a good time that, before Howard
realises,
it's time to go.

Back in heaven, St Peter takes him inside where, for 24 hours, Howard hangs
out with a bunch of ordinary, good-natured people who enjoy each other's
company, eat simply, talk about things other than money and treat each
other decently. Not a broken promise or short-arse joke among them, but
what
Howard notices most is that he doesn't see anybody he knows.

The day over, Howard tells St Peter: "Heaven has been delightful but I
really think I belong in hell with my friends."

So back into the elevator and down he goes, only this time when the doors
open he's surrounded by endless scorched earth covered with smog and
filth,
while all his friends are chained together in rags and are filling black
drums with toxic waste. The Devil appears.

"I don't understand," stammers Howard. "Yesterday I was here and there was
a golf course and a clubhouse and I ate lobster and drank champagne with
all my friends. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland and everybody is miserable!"

The Devil puts an arm around him, smiling, and says silkily: "Yesterday we
were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"


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This missive came from Mad Mick of Marwick

                               Is that Cousin David?

I am just enjoying this weeks' Humourites and have opened the visual headed
'Never fart in a wet suit'

Question - Is that Cousin David Rand in the boat?

               And if so is that Gwen in the suit?


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Burnout sent this in

                               Think before you speak

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people,
Debra or Jack.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used
the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all
night...... she went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but
I have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit..."


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These from Cartographer Chris

                                The nun and the hippie . .

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to
her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the
next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell
you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night
at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a
hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in
the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as
suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal
sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he
jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver


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                               The Two Arab Mothers

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe shop in Baghdad, chatting over a
pint of warm goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and
starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old;"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" Mum confides. "a suicide bomber "

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Khalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says Mum quietly. "a car bomber"

"Oh gracious me", says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18", she
whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school".

He's a martyr also" says Mum, with tears in her eyes."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?" ...............


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This came from the Duke of Barsinov

                         The philosophy of ambiguity..

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help
section?" she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered
plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

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More quickies from Smithie of Nottingham


A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his Dad
bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find
him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I
have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your'e wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her
knees and blows it back up again."


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Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it
over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the
first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left
breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound
to her knee.


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After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home,
get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to
his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world,
but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me".

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused,
placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his
other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London,
Newcastle and anywhere in Wales.


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A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions  eg. fear etc.

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted
on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have
you come as?"

The guy says, "I'm green with NV".   The host replies, "Brilliant come on
in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to
see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped
around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow, great outfit,
what emotion have you come as?"

She replies, "I'm tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and
join the party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the
host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing
stark naked, one with his willy in bowl of custard and the other with his
willy stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell
are you both doing? You could get arrested standing like that out there in
the street. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?"

Paddy replies, "Welllll, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just come
in despair"


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This weeks pics are from Stonefish, Eric in his Tree, Burnout, Muse,
Allnutts, Moose, Whizzbang, Nottingham Smithie, Shortie, Trina, and
Magazorch.


9/11 Trucker
Have  you heard about the trucker  who has painted his cab and trailer with
the names of all those who lost their  lives in 9/11?  The trucker's name
is John Holmgren from Shafer ,   Minn.  He  has  been
'pulled over' numerous times just so the troopers can get their picture
taken with the truck.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Lochness monster
 Click here

See the Motorcycle?
A picture is worth a thousand words.
The Honda rider was traveling at such a "very high speed", his reaction
time was not sufficient enough to avoid this accident. Swedish Police
estimate a speed of ~250 KM/h (155 mph) before the bike hit the slow
moving car side-on at an intersection. At that speed, they predicted that
the rider's reaction time (once the vehicle came into view) wasn't
sufficient enough for him to even apply the brakes. The car had two
passengers and the bike rider was found INSIDE the car with them. The
Volkswagen actually flipped over from the force of impact and landed 10
feet from where the collision took place.
All three involved (two in car and rider) were killed instantly. This
graphic demonstration was placed at the Stockholm Motorcycle Fair by the
Swedish Police and Road Safety Department. The sign above the display also
noted that the rider had only recently obtained his license.
At 250 KM (155 mph) the operator is traveling at 227 feet per second.
With normal reaction time to SEE-DECIDE-REACT of 1.6 seconds the above
operator would have traveled over 363 feet while making a decision on what
actions to take. In this incident the Swedish police indicate that no
actions were taken.
In other words, they didn't even have time to say, "Oh, shit!"
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Management Team inspirational speech
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Camping trip in Alaska!
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Wivenhoe Dam
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Brainless ...
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NICE PAINT WORK....
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 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
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About Bloody Time
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Flexibility ...
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Nice Boat
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Childproof Drawer
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New Cell Phone Technology
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Dad Teaching Son
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Air Bag Technology ...
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ZIP UP
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Tough landlord
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Have a smell
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Hillbilly dogs
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Dang computers
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Safe sex
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Cat Baths!!!
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Bridge
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Thought You might like to see the Stratford Floods
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For the boys
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Remember ...
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Cheating
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Meeting The Parents
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Nice car
Decorated with US$480 million of diamonds.  It belongs to an Arab, one of
the top 10 riches men in the world - KushAl Fayed ! Good to see people
have this sort of money to spend on important items like this, And most of
it from the Oil trade.
 Click here Click here Click here

This is what happens when your father is a graphic designer
 Click here

Bush has taken up the cause of global warming!!
 Click here

I have a secret
 Click here


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This came from Mad Mick of Marwick


   TRUE STORIES FROM EMERGENCY ROOMS AROUND THE COUNTRY

                                  PING PONG ANYONE?

A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said
that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, when his
boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel
(you'd do the same, I'm sure!)?!!.

The concrete then hardened, (no shit; Sherlock!), causing constipation and
pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's
rectum was removed along with a "ping-pong" ball?

(Boy - we live sheltered lives!)

                                     BLIND DRUNK

A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while
trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out
halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a
suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and
discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been
trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

                             OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they
had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion,
the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy
or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her
to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until
she let go.

                                    FEMALE SOFA

A 500lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was
found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged
between the folds of her vulva.

                              PRICKLY PAIR - OUCH

In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He
complained that his wife had "a rat in her privates..." which bit him
during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn, I don't think).

After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical
needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.


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These are from Stonefish

                                  The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and
LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left
it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of
contests.

                                   WIFE Vs. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An
earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws

                                  WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to
purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I
asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with
me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

         UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can
take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by
the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

                                      W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because
we have to repeat everything to men...  The husband then turned to his
wife and asked, "What?"

                                      CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to
explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made
me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


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                                       Overcome

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came
out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled
at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'


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Finally a few from Whizzbang

                                    Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his
eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such
innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He
noticed she was looking at two Daddy longlegs' mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the one on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied "No dear. both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that poofter shit in our garden" she said.


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                       THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love
his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC
interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about
to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.


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                                      Jim's Monkey

Jim walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats
them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it
whole. The bartender screams at the Jim, "Did you see what your monkey just
did?"

Jim says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim,

"He eats everything in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue
ball and stuff. "He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff
the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While
Jim is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then
the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks.

"No, what?" replies Jim.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them
out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied Jim.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue
ball, he measures everything first."


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Quotes of the Week:


 "The defence update we're releasing today sets out many priorities for
  Australia's defence and security - and resource security is one of them."

                              Brendan Nelson - Australian Minister for
Defence


 "Mr Howard was asked back in 2003 whether this war had anything to do
  with oil. Mr Howard said in no way did this have anything to do with oil.
  This government simply makes it up as it goes along."

                                                           Kevin Rudd -
Labor Leader


 "The Government has now introduced security of oil supply as the fourth
   justification for our involvement in Iraq. What it demonstrates is that
   the Prime Minister has been fundamentally dishonest with the Australian
   people from the beginning."

                                     Joel Fitzgibbon - Labor defence
spokesman


"It is disgraceful that in 2003 Howard totally dismissed the intelligence
warning that participating in an invasion of Iraq would result in an
increased threat of terrorism for Australia, choosing to go along with the
cherry-picked intelligence saying that Saddam had WMD, which many officers
at ASIO and ONA simply knew to be untrue ... but nobody in Howard's
government wanted to listen to them."


Davo


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[ End friday humour ]

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