Friday humour - June 22, 2007

Gidday from Deano,

It has been another good week of contributions to Friday Humour.  After a
sad week here in Melbourne where an innocent man was killed by a gunman
when helping a young woman in distress we need to have some humour to keep
things in perspective.  Along with the 43 year old solicitor killed, the
lady was also shot and is in intensive care in hospital.  Another man who
also went to help her - a tourist from the Netherlands - was also shot and
is also recovering in hospital.  It is human nature to help another person
and these two men did that without a thought for any consequences.  Little
did they realise that the man hassling the woman (he is no gentleman!) and
who then produced a gun and shot 3 people was associated with (now cut-off
from) a well known motorcycle gang and was wanted by police for shootings
in NSW and a week ago in northern Melbourne.  Luckily he is now in police
custody and "helping police with their enquiries".

My favourite this week is from Anonymous "Referee training" Click here
 Click here


A great edition of written stuff with contributions from Moose, Digi Maria,
Allnutts, Nottingham Smithie , Zalaga , KRP from Coffs Harbour, Duke of
Barsinov, Stonefish & Whizzbang and Anonymous


Gotta Love a Drunk!!
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the morning." He
slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No I didn't, its three o'clock in the morning and it's pouring outside!!."
His wife says, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke
down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you
should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the
pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still here?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.


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Sound familiar?

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my
house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in.
I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't
there, and the next day she was!
She is clever and manages to keep out of sight for most part, but whenever
I pass a mirror, I get a glimpse of her, and whenever I look in the mirror
to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely
obliterating my gorgeous face and body.  So rude! I have tried screaming
at her, but she just screams back. The least she can do is offer to pay
part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a dollar in a coat
pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly
enough. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing
money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw enough money for the week but
a few days later, it's gone!
I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me, and money isn't the
only thing she is stealing. Food seems to be disappearing at an alarming
rate - especially the ice-cream, biscuits and lollies. She must have a
sweet tooth, but she better watch it, because she is really packing on the
pounds!
For an old lady she is quite childish, she likes to play games, like going
into my wardrobe when I'm not home and altering my clothes so they don't
fit. She messes with my files so I can't find anything. This is
particularly annoying since I am generally so neat and organized. She has
found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail,
newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't  read
it. She has done something to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and
telephone. Now, all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
She has done other things -  like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum heavier
and all the knob and faucets harder to turn.
Just when you thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She
followed me when I went to get my picture taken for my drivers license.
Just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me! Watch out:
she's looking for you!


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Any one for curry

The Natal Curry Cup Contest
If you can read this entire story without laughing then there's NO hope for
you. I was crying by the end (and NOT because of any hot curry).

Note : Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Natal, you know how typical this is.
They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July, where the winning
recipe is officially awarded the Curry Cup for year. It takes up a major
portion of the parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.

Scotland and was visiting family members in Pietermarirzburg.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge for the Curry
Cup Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Beer Garden , when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer for the entire duration of
curry-tasting competition, so I obviously accepted".

The moral of this story is that there is no such thing as a free beer.
Here are the official scorecard notes from the event:

CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s ***, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver! They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.

CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the
beer.

CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Shareen, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the
chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Screw them

CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices
and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I am definitely going to s *** myself if I fart and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone ice cream.

CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that
I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he
is cursing uncontrollably).
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have actually reacted
to some really hot curry?
Judge # 3 - No report presented.

THE CURRY CUP WAS NEVERTHELESS AWARDED, DESPITE JUDGE # 3 BEING
"SPEECHLESS"


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Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars . ." she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it when
all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
I'm making luff to my Vife ," Ole answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Vell," says Ole, " I din't neder 'til you shine that damm light in her
face.


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A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being
greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so
beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven.
But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass
through the gates.
"Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.  L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven,
and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few
minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honoured," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while
you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply
have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the
beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She
realizes it is her loser husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you
here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I
left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really
make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
"Czechoslovakia."


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BULL
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the 
Breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year.
"The wife  playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ..He
mated 50 times last year .... once-a-week.
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This 
bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab 
and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in 
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year. "The wife, so 
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's 
once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one.
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with 
the same cow."

NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and
the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will
likely be okay.


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The Lone Ranger and Tonto.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes
the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole the tent. "


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Army food is 'cheaper than a dog's dinner'
Underfed: British troops have less spent on their meals than Army dogs The
Army spends more feeding its dogs than its soldiers, it has been claimed.
Figures obtained by a Tory MP show that 1.51 a day goes on meals for
troops, compared with 2.63 for military dogs. Even prisoners - who cost
1.87 a day to feed - fare better than servicemen. Schoolchildren get
1.55 for lunch alone.
The MP, Mike Penning, is to raise the issue in the House of Commons today.
The former Grenadier Guard said troops serving in war zones such as Iraq
were being denied decent meals. And he claimed that U.S. troops are given
high-quality meat while British soldiers make do with cheap sausages and
chips. The armed forces keep 998 dogs for searching, guarding and arrest
duties.
Mr Penning said: 'The troops are not getting enough good-quality meals and
are missing out on their daily meat and two veg. 'I have been repeatedly
told that Army cooks are struggling to feed the troops properly on just
1.51 a day. 'This is a derisory amount of money. In contrast, I have been
very reliably informed that dogs are being fed on more than 2.63 a day. 'I
cannot believe that soldiers are risking their lives daily for the country,
but are not being fed properly. I have spoken to a number of mums who are
being forced to send out food to their hungry sons. When I was in the
army, my mum sent me a cake but that was as a treat.'
Another Tory MP, Patrick Mercer, a former army colonel, said: 'It is
absolutely crazy. Military dogs are important and an expensive commodity
but they should not be fed better than our soldiers. 'I have often heard
that our soldiers are being given a dog's life, but this takes the
biscuit.'
An MoD spokesman disputed Mr Penning's figures last night. 'It costs
significantly less to feed a dog than a person on operations,' she said.
'The mess rate for across all service personnel is 1.51 a day. 'It varies
for dogs as it depends on the size of the dog and the nature of the work.
But it works out at roughly 78p a day for an ammunition dog and 1.20 for
a patrol dog. 'Dogs make an important contribution to our forces, and it
is right that we make sure they are well looked after.'
Mr Penning stood by his figures and said the MoD repeatedly told him none
were available.
Soldiers on operations rely on 4,000-calorie ration packs which include
items such as onion soup, hot chocolate, cooked rice, fruit dumplings in
custard, boiled sweets and bacon and beans. Civilian men are generally
advised to consume no more than 2,500 calories a day, with the soldiers
given more because they are on active operations. American troops are
given meals in self-heating bags that warm food in a few minutes. British
soldiers have to boil their bagged meals or eat them cold. In barracks
back in Britain, solders are served three meals a day and the MoD insists
high emphasis is given to healthy eating. However one soldier said: 'Most
soldiers when possible would rather eat at McDonald's than in the Mess.
The food quality is substandard and the quantity is the minimum.'
In recent months, senior military commanders have spoken out about poor
medical care, 'slum' housing, inadequate funding, lack of training and
equipment cuts. Earlier this year, the Army's personnel chief, Adjutant
General Sir Freddie Viggers, admitted that too many soldiers were living
in 'poor standard' barrack blocks, blighted by damp and faulty fittings.
Scores of warships, submarines, aircraft and armoured vehicles have been
scrapped or mothballed in recent years to save money. The Army's trained
strength recently dipped below the 100,000 mark for the first time in 200
years, despite the demands of two simultaneous wars. Britain has around
7,700 troops in Afghanistan and 5,500 in southern Iraq, with numbers
falling in Iraq but rising in Afghanistan.


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Why god created children (and in the process grandchildren)

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own,
grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make
you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T !"
"Don't what ?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit ? We have fruit ? Hey Eve, we have forbidden fruit !
 "No Way !"
"Yes way !"
"Do NOT eat the fruit !" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so !" God replied, wondering why He
hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was
ticked ! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you ?" said the Father.
"I don't know,"said Eve.
"She started it !" Adam said.
"Did not !"
"Did too !"
"DID NOT !"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve
should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

  BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY !
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and
they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble
raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you
?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and
talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut
up.

 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word
what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself
that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

And finally:
If you ! Have a lot of tension, and you get a headache, do what it says on
the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "keep away from children"!!!!!


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A selection for you

Dearest God:
Please stop talking to George W. Bush. Too much is being lost in
translation.

SATAN
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of
Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services
started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about
their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a
frantic effort to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon everyone was
evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew, not moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
Ultimate Enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't
you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yup, sure do."
Satan asked, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was more than a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why not?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48  years!"

BULLYING
A kid comes home from school crying to his father. "They beat me up again,
dad. They laughed at me. They keep telling me I have a big head."
And his father says, "You don't have a big head. Now just go back to school
and forget about it."
The next day the kid comes home again, crying. "Dad, they won't let up on
me. They keep laughing at me and they keep telling me I got a big head."
And his dad says, "Now, listen - I'm sick of hearing about this big head
business. I want you to just forget about it. And wipe those tears out of
your eyes now, because I want you to go down to the store and get me ten
pounds of potatoes."
"OK, Dad", says the kid, "Gimme a bag."
"What do you need a bag for. Put 'em in your cap."

FISHING
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He
noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a
mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror
for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror
on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above
and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull
them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how
many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.

THINGS GETTING BETTER IN HELL
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of
comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a
while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators.
Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in
Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He
should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up
here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to
get a lawyer?"

FISHING
A hillbilly was stopped by a game warden in Kentucky recently with two ice
chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must understand
these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them  swim
'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rat back into this here
ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish! can't do that! says the warden.
The hillbilly looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's
the truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you. It really works."
"Okay," said the game warden, " I've GOT to see this!"
The hillbilly poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After
several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the hillbilly.
The warden said, "When are you going to call them back?"
The hillbilly said, "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the hillbilly.
We in Kentucky may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we aren't as
dumb as most government employees.

OLD-TIMER'S DISEASE
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see who's at the door."

ALL ABOUT SOUTHERNER'S
In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's
mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a
Southern State.
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast
than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going
to get dust on your Lincoln Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way!
3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color, don't
wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent.
4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah,
we saw that Bambi movie, too. We got over it.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis fly rod. Don't cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle . We have a name for those little 13
inch trout you fish for: "bait".
6. Pull your pants up! You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their
final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to
your ear at the time.
8. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it
rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of
ham and turkey.
9. Tea -- yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and it's sweet.
You want it hot? Set it in the sun. You want it unsweetened? Add a lot of
water.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over
ice!
11. You have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a
quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when
it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat--yeah,
even breakfast. We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, and we go to
high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors
with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday
drives around town to see friends and neighbors.
14. We don't do "hurry up" well.
15. Greens -- yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil
them with salty fatback, bacon or a smoked hog jowl.
16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream, and carp. You really want sushi and
caviar? It's available down at the bait shop.
17. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it?
Interstate 75 goes two ways. Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.
18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on
them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want cream of
wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.
19. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season.
Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before
daylight at the church on either day.
20. So every person in every pickup truck waves? Yeah, it's called being
friendly. Understand the concept?
21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks
the fish and bothers the gators --and, if you hit it in the rough, we have
these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.
22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like
an idiot --his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.
23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park
your darn Navigator under them, and they'll leave a souvenir on your hood.
24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions.
The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them --
enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up
the flag burner. American by Birth, Southern by the Grace of God!

COUPLE ARGUING
Hubby & wife had quarreled awhile and she leaves their bed. After awhile,
she comes back and asks hubby, "Honey, what are you doing?"
Hubby tried to hide the document in his hand and mumbled, "Nothing, dear."
Wife replies, "Nothing what? I've been seeing that you are reading our
marriage certificate just about all night, even with a magnifying glass,
upside down, backside and front, intense lamp-light....what's with you,
anyway?"
Dejected hubby says, "Nothing, I was just looking for the expiration date."


Here are 20 ways to tell if you are a golf nut:
1. Your idea of a good time is staying home and watching the British Open
on a Saturday night.
2. You curse the game only to play it the next day.
3. You haven't puked from seeing the same faces regularly for four and half
hours.
4. You see your drive ahead of everyone else and talk about it for a week.
5. You secretly wish evil on your flight mates.
6. A golf store has a magnetic effect on your walk.
7. You cringe when your better half asks you if you have anything to do on
Sunday.
8. Your golf attire becomes your everyday wear.
9. Your toilet seat gets covered with a stack of golf books and magazines.
10. You make small practice swings inside the church while hearing mass.
11. You get burned by the sun and you're proud of it.
12. You can open a video store with the number of golf tapes you own.
13. Ten inches of rain has no effect on your decision to play.
14. When your caddy says he sees lightning, your reply is "what lightning?"
15. You go to the practice range and try to give golf tips to the person on
the next stall.
16. Your bumper sticker reads: MY OTHER CAR IS A GOLF CART.
17. People in your family gets their supply of suntan lotion from you when
they go swimming.
18. A day at the beach means you hit too many sand traps.
19. Your spouse complains because you try to bring your clubs to bed, (to
keep them warm, dry, and safe, of course) demanding that you choose
between them and the clubs....And you hesitate before answering.
20. You took the time to read this.

DOCTORS
A guy's wife and kids all came down with the flu. Upon returning home from
the pediatrician's office with his four kids, he turned his attention to
his ailing wife. After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up
the phone to call her doctor. The receptionist picked up and he related
the situation to her. She then told him that the office was going to be
closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment
in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, "Three days?! The doctor can't
see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!"
Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you
please call to cancel the appointment?"

JUDGES
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When
they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead
of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty."
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How
do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty."
Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming
all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such
incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten
days in jail."

FORGETFUL
Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country
cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on
the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he
made his approach down the airport runway as usual.
Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane here
without wheels!" The startled husband yanked the nose up, narrowly averting
certain disaster.
Continuing home, he landed the plane on the lake without mishap. As he sat
there, visibly shaken, he said to his wife, "I don't know what on earth
got into me. That's the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life!" And
with that, he opened the door and stepped out ... right into the water.

LONG HAIR
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who
was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades
up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk
about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could
discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you.
You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but
you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been
thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair,
Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

FIRE
A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to
the general store.
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle
still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'Match'."
"'Match'? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match
and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a
fire."

Do-It-Yourself Tips For Real Men
* Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle
on it. Tell everyone it's the door to your attic. (Not recommended for
basement apartments).
* Ant invasion  In a four-litre pail mix together two litters of water, 500
grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent. Find the
spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one-by-one
and drown them in your pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and
use the mixture to clean up the mess.
* Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30 cm long. With left hand,
grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to
his video game collection if this happens again. Break all his crayons.
* Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one liter of unleaded gasoline into metal container.
Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home. Burn
down their house.
* Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed
killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come
over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included.
* Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50
with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn
becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.
* Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions
carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and
can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass.
Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say, barbecue.
Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ... * * Annoying drips.
Don't invite them over anymore.


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SERIOUS RESEARCH


A recent study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles per
year.
Another study found that Australians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer
per year.
That means on average, Australians get 41 miles per gallon.
Isn't that great?!


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20 Things That Make Australia Great
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage
sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media
billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato
sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing
Them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk
crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from
the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. It's proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
That has the swimming pool.
14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family
drinks too much.
15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend
all night drinking the host's beer.
16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything
you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not
trying.
17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog
battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front
yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the
fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that
the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
20. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new
Aussies must pass the following test - Mow a sloping lawn in a pair of
thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy!


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Husband & Wife for a Night
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other
people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... he
in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
" I have a better idea, " she replied. " Just for tonight, let's just
pretend that we're married. "
" Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!
" Good, " she replied... "Get your own fucking blanket. "
After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.


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Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too.
Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on
the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all
gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down At first, because ya don't hafta get
outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do
before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No
bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya
haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water
and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and
eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You
don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are
buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like
walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter, I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody
possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the
Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before
the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit
the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own
cartridges, they comes In little boxes, and ya don't have to steady
yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful
coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack
and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the
muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the
Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the
shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,
but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word
gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila


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Dear Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom was  astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.  Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed  to "Dad." With
the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling  hands and
read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and  sorrow that I'm writing you.  I had to elope
with my new girlfriend,  because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and
you.  I have been finding  real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. 
But I knew you would not  approve of her because of all her piercing,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes  and the fact that she is much older
than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad --- she's pregnant. Stacy
said that we will be very  happy.  She owns a trailer in the woods and has
a stack of firewood for the  whole winter.  We share a dream of having many
more children. Stacy  has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it  with
the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.  In the 
meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can
get  better.  She deserves it. Don't worry Dad.  I'm 15 and I know how to
take care of myself.  Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit  so
that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son  John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm  over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things  in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.  I love you.  Call me when it's safe
to come home.


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Senior Driver
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to
see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite
stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it
to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the
owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don't Mess With Old Ladies


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What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?
*The Englishman*: Throws away the cup of coffee and walks away.
*The American*: Takes out the fly and drinks the coffee.
*The Chinese*: Eats the fly and throws away the coffee.
*The Japanese*: Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra.
*The Israeli*: Sells the coffee to the American, the fly to the Chinese,
and buys himself a new cup of coffee.
*The Palestinian*: Blames the Israeli for the violent act of putting the
fly in his coffee, asks the UN for aid, takes a loan from the European
Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives,
then blows up the coffee house, where the Englishman, the American, the
Chinese, and the Japanese are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he
was too aggressive


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And now to the pictures and movies with stuff sent in this week by KRP from
Coffs Harbour, Digi Steve, Mad Mick from Marwick, Alnutts, Burnout,
Castlehill Books Mob, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, Moose, Duke of
Barsinov and Anonymous:


Nokia's new adverts (a little bit XXX)
 Click here Click here Click here


New Offering from Paris.....
 Click here

Love this
 Click here

See - It's True
 Click here

Pool Safety
 Click here


The photo shows a policeman flagging down a pair on a motorbike. Why is he
stopping them?
STOP !
First look at the picture:  Police check!!!  Why are they being told to
pull over??
Then read the comment at the bottom of the picture.
 Click here

.

.

.

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.


.


.


.

How long did it take you to notice that she is not wearing a helmet???


Times have certainly changed.
 Click here
12:50 PM


Marzipan Babies
Thought you'd be as fascinated with these as I.
These are made with marzipan....really unbelievable!
While some of the faces may look "crafted" rather than "real", every detail
is amazing, and the rest looks VERY real.  Be blessed and enjoy the talent
given one person by God.
Definition of Marzipan:  Almond paste: a sweet paste made of ground almonds
and sugar, often with egg whites or yolks, used as a layer in cakes or
moulded into ornamental shapes.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Creative invoicing
 Click here


Something to amuse you!]
 Click here

New Iraq Map
 Click here

Little Red Riding Hood (XXX rated)
 Click here

Nottingham Smithie
Shark attack
 Click here

Adds new meaning to "my ship has come in"
 Click here

From KRP from Coffs Harbour
Whoever designed this tourist sign must have been psychic.
 Click here

Balloons
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here


Just think, someone spent a lot of money to be different!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

I Kinda like the chimney on this one!
 Click here

If this is the outhouse..you'd better be awake, if you have to go in the
middle of the night.....
 Click here

Last time that I was in the dog house, it surely didn't look like this!
 Click here

If you happen to use the back door, watch out for that first step, It's a
doozy !
 Click here

Mother & daughter combo.... for a weird family!
 Click here

Purple polka dots on green I think I'm going to be sick
 Click here

For the kid who has everything !!
 Click here

Hmmm....so, THAT'S a cat house?
 Click here

Excuse me..I think I'm going to be sick again !
 Click here

Couldn't find another place to put the garage .......???
 Click here

I could live here but with my luck, a tornado would turn it up-side down !!
 Click here

Sure is a long way to carry the groceries !!
 Click here

But honey...I said I wanted a 'free' house !!
 Click here

Where Michelangelo lived as a teenager !!
 Click here

What's the next stop on this train ?
 Click here

Hey guys, sober me up before you take me home, o.k. ?
 Click here

Sound Barrier Pictures
Ok folks, for all of you who have never personally seen the sound barrier,
feast your eyes on the pictures.
Actual photos of the sound barrier
This phenomenon only happens at the instant an aircraft breaks the sound
barrier, and it literally appears like the aircraft goes through a wall.
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here


Do you feel like working today?
Tomorrow?
The day after?
Next week?
Next Month?
Me either!
I just want to party!
 Click here


Crane which has come into contact with power lines.
 Click here

Wanker
 Click here


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[ End friday humour ]


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