Friday humour - June 15, 2007



[ From Davo at Bluehaze ]


G'day


It's now 12 months since The Great Man published his last edition of Friday
Humour.  Tragically Tony Sanderson suddenly died shortly thereafter.

Thanks to Digi Steve for recovering the archives, providing the website to
keep FH going, and also stepping in as co-editor.  Also, along with Guru
Russell, for organising Tony's old computer room (along with the famous
squeaky chair) to ensure lovely Anna and Rosie and Andy could continue to
get the best out of all Tony's toys.  Also to Deano for stepping in as
well as co-editor.

Tony truly was a loveable larrikin.  He spread smiles and happiness to all
who came in contact with him.  Yet Friday Humour will never be the same.
His insights and passions used to shine through so many of his off the cuff
funny and serious ramblings.

I'm sure Tony is brightening up the world beyond, and cheekily looking down
each week ... happy that Friday Humour, his baby, continues to flourish.

Vale The Great Man!


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First up a couple from new contributor Birohead

                            BBQ SEASON ETIQUETTE !

After many long months of cold and winter (in the northern hemisphere), we
are once again coming to the BBQ season. Therefore, it is important to
refresh one's memory on the etiquette of this outdoor cooking ritual, as
it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably because there
is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine:

1. The woman buys the food.

2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine:

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.

Important part again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine:

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces
and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And the most important part of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!


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                               WORK Virus beware!

A dangerous virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the
Worm
Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or
colleagues. Do not touch it. The virus will wipe out your private life. If
you come into contact with WORK, there are two antidotes.

You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome
Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local
liquor store. Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated.

Another solution is Stop Working Early And Retire (SWEAR)!


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This from Stepen at JokesRUs

                                        Quick Fix

When the office printer's type began to grow faint (this was one of the old
dot-matrix printers), the office manager called a local repair shop where a
friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he said, the
manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candour, the office manager asked, "Does your
boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more
money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."


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Allnutts at Highett sent this one in

                                    It's time to go ...

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it."

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a
suitcase, he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard
you telling Mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be
damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no
bike."


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This one arrived from Beth of Scotland

                                  Because I AM a Man

Because I'm a man , when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a
coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an
option.
I will win.

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the
hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another
man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix
these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't
know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind,
as a form of holy communion.

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get
as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like
"cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a
calculator instead (applies to engineers only)

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make
up something else when you ask, so just don't ask.

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances
are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are
feeling amorous afterwards . . then I will certainly at least remember the
name and recommend it to others.

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine.
With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not make your rear look
too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and Margaritas that did that. Your
hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

Because I'm a man, and this is after all, the year 2007, I will share
equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like
wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.

** This has been a public service message to help women to better
understand men. **


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From the CastleHill Bookworms

                     Nine Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know
where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when
I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for
the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel
manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn
right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do
this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I
paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?"
If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?


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A quickie from Muse in London Canada

                      Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to
his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably golfing with his buddies."


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A couple from Digi Maria

                                    Current drought

I have just found out about a serious consequence of the current drought.

Lack of feed has led to the cost of lamb in New Zealand to skyrocket to
$35.00 per hour.


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                                    I sent my son

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb
the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in
Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father, "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Ike," he said, "I sent my son to
Israel, and he came home a Christian.? What can I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he
also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi."

They explained their problem to the rabbi. "Funny you should ask," said the
rabbi. "I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian.
What is happening to our young people?"

They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their
prayer, a voice came from the heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the
voice. "I, too, sent my son to Israel..."


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Here's a few from Burnout

                                  ABORIGINAL EGGS

Two Aboriginals are riding along Oxley Road on a motorbike. The bike breaks
down so they start hitching a lift.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Aboriginals ask him
for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries
everything he knows but is unable to repair it.

Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the
Aboriginals he has to leave.

"Hey mate" they say "gissa pucken lift".

The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying
20,000 bowling balls.

The Aboriginals asks the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back
will he take them, and he agrees. They manage to squeeze themselves and
their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors
and gets on his way.

By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough the
coppers pull him up for speeding.

The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies:
"Aboriginal Eggs".

The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so he demands to take a look.
He opens the back door and quickly slams it shut and locks it. He gets onto
his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.

"I've got a wagon with 20,000 Aboriginal eggs in it - 2 have hatched and
the bastards have managed to steal a motorbike already".


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                                          Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in the West Midlands. With his dummy on his knee, he
starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th
row stands on her chair and shouts:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister!  I'm talking to that little shit on your
knee!"


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                                 Do you ever wonder?

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for
your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried
in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a
good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like
every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both
dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he
just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call
it a haemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

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Here's a couple from Nottingham Smithie

                        Blonde`s Diary - Week at Sea ....

DEAR DIARY: DAY ONE

All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really
excited.

DEAR DIARY . DAY TWO

Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY THREE

At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the
deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored
and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY . DAY FOUR

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him
in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be
unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY FIVE

Pool again today, got sunburnt, went inside to drink at piano bar for rest
of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is
charming.
Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told
me if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was
shocked.

DEAR DIARY . DAY SIX

Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice


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                   Why women take forever in public toilets!

When you have to visit a public loo there is invariably a line of women,
you smile politely and take your place. It finally gets to your turn. You
check for feet under the cubicle doors. Every one is occupied..... but
eventually a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the cubicle.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has
been so long you are about to wet your knickers!!!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" is handy, but empty.

You would hang your handbag on a door hook, if there was one, but there
isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, yank down
your knickers, and assume "The Position."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd
love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or
lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Position."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs for a moment when you reach for
horror of horrors an empty toilet paper dispenser.

Your thighs start to shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew
your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your handbag which is now
burning your neck & shoulders with the weight.

So you contort your arm into a very unnatural position and start to fumble
around in the deep dark depths of your handbag for that small crumpled
'used' tissue no bigger than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door and because the latch doesn't work it hits your
head which is bent over from holding the hanging handbag, and you start to
topple backward.

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door and drop the precious,
tiny, crumpled tissue you had only just retrieved with your index finger in
to an unknown puddle on the floor....... if that isn't enough you lose your
balance altogether and gravity pulls you down ...... down ..... directly
onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet. Of course, you bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ & life form
that lives on the uncovered seat.

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused
that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose into the
bowl which sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down
your legs along with the various life forms and down into your dishevelled
knickers which have now dropped down to your ankles.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto
the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet
toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe yourself with a piece of
gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to
the sinks hoping to at least leave the premises with clean hands.

You can't figure out how to operate the taps [new obviously from
bath-store.
com/martha's whatever], so you run your hands underneath it grateful for
the 2 drops there, then around the basin itself.

You go to the towel dispenser past the line of women still waiting, where
of course there are no paper towels so you move over to the hand blower,
which,
yes you've guessed it, also doesn't work.

You are no longer able to smile politely to the women, but there is an
unspoken understanding between you all. A kind soul at the very end of the
line points out that you have a piece of toilet paper trailing from your
shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your
shoe, plonk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just
might need this."

As you exit, you spot your partner, who has long since entered, used, and
left the Men's toilets. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why
is your handbag hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with public loo's. It also
finally explains to the men what really does take us so long.

It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to
the loo in pairs.

It's so the other one can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you
Kleenex under the door!


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A quickie from Whizzbang

                                       Deer Meat!

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind Of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

"Well" he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes"

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it.... it's a fuckin Asshole!!!!!!!!"


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These from Diks

                                       Confession....

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest
would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked
on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my
attic,
and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,"
said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent
of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would
have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding
her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and
the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I
ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


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                                    Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side
service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to
be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the
first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing
to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out
my heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and
"Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from
Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before
and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.


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This weeks pics are from Moose, the Duke, Nottingham Smithie, Burnout,
Muse,
Allnutts, Whizzbang, David O, and Cartographer Chris.

Davinci Code
 Click here

Italian Highway Patrol New Car
 Click here

Men see everything
 Click here

All liquids re-cycled ....
 Click here

I think I'm in love
 Click here

Gorilla
 Click here

Redneck Wedding
 Click here

ATO Press Release
 Click here

Mythbuster
 Click here

Every Neighbourhood Needs One
 Click here

Much to their surprise ....
 Click here

Fed up with your job!!
 Click here

Best pokie machine in the world
 Click here

THIS ILLUSION BLEW ME AWAY!!
 Click here

The future takes Visa
 Click here

This is what happens to couch potatoes
 Click here

Maybe we should start this at work ...
 Click here

Lobster fantasy
 Click here

Oops...
 Click here

Sad but true!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Restart
 Click here

Birth
 Click here

Remarkable!!!
 Click here

Bike club
 Hi guys,
 Hard to believe I know but, I  have decided to be more physically active.
 Beginning this weekend, I will ride 20 kms every day.  If any of you 
would  like to join my Bike Club, please let me know and we can make 
arrangements.
 I  think it would be appropriate to ride somewhere between  4:00 and 
7:00pm.  We can call it happy hour, if it will make you say yes.
 I  have attached a photo of my bike.
 Click here

Interesting pictures Jeune
 Click here

Alcohol
 Click here

Don't try this at home
 Click here


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Stonefish sent in this one

                                    Kids are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher


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Zalaga sent this in from Sherwood Forest

                                           Bob

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of house-keeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over
sensitive and there is nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.

My name is Bob. Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my wife,
Debbie. When I took early retirement last year it became necessary for
Debbie to get a full time job along with her part-time job, to enable us to
maintain a decent standard of living.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her
age. I usually get home from the golf-course about the same time as she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am she says she has
to rest for a half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout
at her or complain. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets the dinner on the table. I usually have lunch in the Men's
Grill at the club but I am always ready for some home cooked food when I
get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not
unusual for them to sit on the dinner table for several hours after
dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her many times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I think she really appreciates this as
it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining, For example, she says it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. But Boys, we take them for better or worse so just smile and offer
encouragement. I advise her to stretch it out over two or even three days
-
that way she won't to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her. Tact is one of my strong
points!

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the garden. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair-minded man. I tell her to make herself
a nice big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and take a breather. And
if she is making one for herself she can make one for me too.

I know I probably look like a saint for the way I support Debbie. I'm not
saying for a moment that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men
will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows more
than me how frustrating women become as they get older. However fellas, if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article I will consider that writing it, was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed: Bob

Note: Bob died suddenly last July. The Garda report says that he was found
with a Callaway extra long 50" Big Bertha driver Golf Club rammed up his
arse with only two inches of grip showing. His wife Debbie was arrested
and charged with murder. However, the all women jury found her Not Guilty,
accepting her defence that Bob had accidentally sat down on it!!!


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This came from Cartographer Criss

                  The Amish Hand Warmer - What a pearler!!!!!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."


The mother replied "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm
them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands
are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.
He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm
it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,
"My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother,
and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they?


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Here's a Newsflash from Diks

MEXICO CITY, MEXICO

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the next Summer Olympics .

He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the
country."


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Finally from Burnout

                                 Ralph's Tax Audit

The ATO decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the ATO office. The ATO
auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his lawyer.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration"?

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my
other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes
his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realises he
has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's lawyer as a witness. He
starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains
mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other
side,
so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss
into a huge win. But Ralph's lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the lawyer. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been
summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could
come in here and piss all over a Tax Officer's desk and that the Tax
officer would be happy about it."


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Quote of the Week:


  "Essentially, we have shaken the belief the world had in America's
   justice system by keeping a place like Guantanamo open and
   creating things like the military commission."


Colin Powell
Bush's former Secretary of State on NBC's Meet the Press this week


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[ End friday humour ]

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