Friday humour - June 08, 2007

[from Steve at Bluehaze]

This week saw another rail crossing tragedy in Oz. Eleven dead and many
seriously injured. They are becoming quite common place now.
The trucks get faster and bigger, and the trains get faster and smaller,
and the truck drivers get higher and sleepier, and
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is done to improve the safety of the hundreds of main
road and highway level crossings, even when the warnings are formal,
specific, recent, and multiple, as they were for this crossing. Bracks
(local talking head) has the unmitigated gall to say, with a teary
demeanour, that "everything has been done" to ensure the safety of the
rail travelling public. What complete nonsense. No wonder we don't believe
a word politicians utter any more. There will be the endless and super
serious enquiries, and again, nothing will be done. If it was a terrorist
attack, millions would be spent on defence and awareness and preparedness,
but because it is a known and even an expected tragedy, NOTHING WILL BE
DONE.

That was my glass completely full (of anger) for this week ...

Now on to the lighter stuff.

My favourite for this week. I can identify with this!
 Click here

With a special mention for this PowerPoint presentation
 Click here


This week's collection come courtesy of Allnutts, Arfermo, Burnout,
Castlehill Books Mob, Digi Maria, Mad Mick from Marwick, Moose,
Muse, Nottingham Smithie, Whizzbang, and a number of the anonymi.

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Frog

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman exclaimed.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true ...
no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy,
thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog
reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're outta here."


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Irish

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and
he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, And a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the
road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," Slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite A few to  drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives
at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya"..
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.  But where's my
husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down
at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

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George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is
waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even  let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the
first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over. Such was his
fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
Sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented
George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked
on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

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S-s-s-s-silly joke

Two guys were walking down the high street. One, Tommy, had a bit of a
stutter and saw things that were just not there. The other one, George,
was gradually losing his patience. The conversation went something like
this

"G-G-G-George did you see that new Mercedes?"

"No Tommy, I didn't."

Further down the High Street.....

"G-G-G-G-George. Did you see that beautiful blond?"

"No Tommy, I didn't."

And even further on........

"G-G-G-G-George, did you see that......."

George losing his cool at this stage interjected, "Oh yes, Tommy, of course
I saw it."

"The- the-the- Then why did you t-t-t-tread in it?"

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Dumb but funny Football one liners

You don't have to like footy to enjoy these.

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane
Wakelin)

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter Bell -
Fremantle - on his University Law studies.

"You guys line up alphabetically by height," and "you guys pair up in
groups of three, then line up in a circle." Barry Hall Sydney
Captain at training.

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his
visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we
went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what
time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird.

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the
same, just darker."

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with
you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barassi, I don't know and I
don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to kick
70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."

"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago." (Dermott
Brereton)

"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark
Williams)

"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play." (Dermott Brereton)

"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they
scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke
Darcy)

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was
identical." (Dermott Brereton)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football -but none of them
serious." (Adrian Anderson)

If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again." (Andrew Demetriou)

"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but
there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)

"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)

Garry Lyon : "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" David
Swartz: "On what?"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Dermott Brereton)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for
even longer." (Dermott Brereton)

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Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man
should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know
babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!",  gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good
look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,
and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
uh...equipment?"

"It's  true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too
big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!

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A tale of 2 Woodpeckers.

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which
place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said
Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck The California woodpecker
accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no
problem The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a
tree in California that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like
to use). The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so
accepted the challenge.

After flying to California , the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked
the tree with no problem.

So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian
woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the
Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one
was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion -

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

Yeah, that's what the guys always say!


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Bob's Annual Review:

1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high calibre employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.

Save time when writing a letter of apology!
Dear
a. Mom,
b. Dad,
c. Love of my life,
d. Assistant Principal,
e. Your Honour,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your
a. car
b. house
c. pet
d. espresso maker
e. left arm

was severely damaged by my
a. infantile
b. puerile
c. inept
d. comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e. woefully under appreciated prank.

How could I have known that the
a. car
b. jet ski
c. large helium balloon
d. rodent driven sledge
e. Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I
should not have pointed it in the direction of your
a. house,
b. wife,
c. Cub Scout troop,
d. 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb
in the torch,
e. priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans,

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage
that I caused is beyond my ability to
a. imagine,
b. fathom,
c. comprehend,
d. appreciate,
e. pay for,

And I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are
perfectly within your rights to
a. hate me,
b. sue me,
c. spank me,
d. take my firstborn,
e. gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi
pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at
a. school,
b. work,
c. church,
d. the bowling alley,
e. the municipal jail,

and to remember that I am first and foremost your
a. friend.
b. child.
c. sibling.
d. lease co-signer.
e. only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that
a. was so stupid.
b. was so silly.
c. would have been funny if it worked.
d. you would have done, if you had thought of it first.
e. I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,
Enter name or alias here: ________________________


A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Mexicans.
God Bless America


TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:
1. A dog does not shop.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
10. A dog's parents will never visit you.


HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they never laugh at
how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

NEW HIRE
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down
to two final applicants -- one of which would get the job.
The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York.  A
nice young man, but a bit timid.  Then he called for the second man, "Jim
Johnson!"
Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself.  "He looks
like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided,
there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him
he could go and they would let him know.
Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself --
that's an important asset for the job as cashier.
However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on
the application where we asked your formal education."
Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your
financial education?"
"Oh," replied Jim -- "Yale."
"That's very good ... excellent. You're hired!"  "Now that you're working
for us, what do you prefer to be called?"
Jim answered "I don't care ... Yim ... or Mr. Yonson."

All "real men" would answer "C" to the posed questions

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the earth. You are the
first human they have encountered and as a token of inter-galactic
friendship they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all diseases,
provide an infinite supply of clean energy, wipe out hunger, and
permanently eliminate oppression and violence.
What would you do with it?
A. Present it to the Prime Minister
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older what lost quality of youth do you miss most?
A. innocence
B. Idealism
C. Fire crackers

3. In your opinion what is the ideal pet?
A. A cat
B. A dog
C. A dog that eats cats

4. One week day your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your
three children ready for school. Which would be your first question?
A. Do they need to eat or anything?
B. They're in school already?
C. There are three of them?

5. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy
B. Religion
C. Remote control

6. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and
intelligent and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a soccer game
and she's reading the paper when suddenly, out of the blue she tells you
that she thinks she really loves you, but can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where our relationship is going. She says she's
not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that
you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you seriously believe the two of you have a future, but you don't
want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her , but you cannot
honestly say that any time soon you'll be ready to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hopes.
C. That you cannot believe the Wallabies lost to South Africa two weeks
ago.

7. Okay. So you have decided you really love a woman and you want to share
with her all the all the joys and sorrows the world has to offer, come
what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach. You say her name and when
she turns to you with the sea breezes blowing her hair and stars in her
eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

8. When would you hug another male?
A. If he's your Father and one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich procedure.
C. If you're a professional Football player and a team-mate scores the goal
to win the world cup, provided that you also pound him fraternally with
your fist hard enough to cause fractures.

RACIST

On a BA flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South
African Lady has found herself sitting next to a black man.
She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.
"What seems to be the problem Madam?" asked the attendant.
"Can't you see?" she said, "You've sat me next to a kafir. I can't possibly
sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!"
"Please calm down, Madam." the stewardess replied. "The flight is very full
today, but I'll tell you what I'll do - I'll go and check to see if we have
any seats available in club or first class."
The woman cocks a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to
mention many of the surrounding passengers).
A few minutes later the stewardess returns with the good news, which she
delivers to the lady, who cannot help but look at the people around her
with a smug and self-satisfied grin:
"Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I've spoken to the
cabin services director, and club is also full. However,
we do have one seat in first class."
Before the lady has a chance to answer, the stewardess continues...
"It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I have
had to get special permission from the captain. But,
given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that
someone should be forced to sit next such an obnoxious person."
Having said that, the stewardess turned to the black man sitting next to
the lady, and said: "So if you'd like to get your things,
sir, I have your seat ready for you..."
At which point, apparently the surrounding passengers stood and gave a
standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the
plane...

Are You A Redneck With A Computer?

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Ford truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.
And the number #1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on your
computer is....
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".....

Political Correctness;

Your bedroom isn't cluttered. It's just "passage restrictive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
You're not late. You just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day. You're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
He's not short, he's "vertically challenged."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You're not long-winded. You're just "abundantly verbal."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near
factual information."

and for students ...
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."
No one fails a class anymore. He's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention. You're just one of the "exit delayed."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
You're not sleeping in class. You're "rationing consciousness."
You don't have smelly gym socks. You have "odour retentive athletic
footwear."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet
exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys'
side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules
from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to
act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is
fine...Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men
really don't mind that? It's like camping.
And that's the way it really is!!!

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___


Bull's balls

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in
Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking
platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's
testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on
holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to
the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller
than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the
bull wins."

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

Little something

Had a bloody crash this morning! Hit a car up the a*se.

This fella got out and, he was a dwarf!

He said "I'm not happy" ...

So I said "Well, which one are you then?"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

He is 80, she is 20.

It was the talk of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old
girl.

After a year of marriage she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the old fellow saying "This is amazing!
How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year the young bride gave birth again. The nurse said "You're
amazing! How do you do it?"

He said again, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year.

The nurse said "Well, well, well, you certainly are quite a man."

He responded, "You got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse said "Well you better change the oil, this one is black!"

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

A 22-year-old man from California has broken the world hot dog eating
record.
 Click here

For the Boomers out there!
 Click here

Unusual Hot Air Balloons - turn on sound let it change over by itself
 Click here

Unusual puppets
 Click here

IT Course
 Click here

Indigenous SpongeBob in Cairns
 Click here

New Australian anthem
 Click here

How Marriage Works
 Click here

Brighten Your Day
 Click here

Can't work today - Computer is being used
 Click here

The happiest monkey is in Perth zoo!
 Click here Click here

Pause for an embarrassing ... (a bit XXX)
 Click here

Check out this house
 Click here

Ever Feel like this about your job?
 Click here

Girls with a sense of humour
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Safety video demonstrating the importance of planning in construction
 Click here

Unique Pub Sign
 Click here

Make my Day
 Click here

First impressions
 Click here

Ahhhh - Technology!
 Click here

Help for The Dreaded Tattoo
 Click here

Such a commercial...
 Click here

More great photos
 Click here

Angry
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Did you know?
 Click here

Use audio if you have it (a bit XXX)
 Click here

What a crazy world we live in!
 Click here Click here Click here Click here

Most Painful Tattoo in the world ... EVER! (XXX)
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Pimp my Dump Truck
 Click here Click here

Alaska Marriage license
 Click here

The Virgin airline breaker (X)
 Click here

Miss Beer
 Click here

Monkeys Are Funny!
 Click here Click here

Kids ... gotta love em
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here

Phone sex
 Click here

Why you shouldn't allow dads to buy baby clothes
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here
 Click here Click here Click here Click here Click here

Would you eat a spider to win a Ferrari? !! CRAZY PEOPLE !!
 Click here

OK Folks ... take a close look at this picture ...
 Click here
Look at the picture above and you can see where this guy broke through the
guard rail. (On the right side where the people are standing on the road).
His truck left the road, travelling from right to left. He flipped
end-over-end, across the drainage outlet and landed on the left side of
it.
Now look at the 2nd picture below.
 Click here
If you weren't a believer in God before, would you be after this?

Balloons
 Click here

Stopping joy riders the French way
 Click here

Be nice to others, because ... time will make a difference!
 Click here

Its Friday
 Click here

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

EU Security Threat Levels -- an update:

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and  have
raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the  Blitz
in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning
level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a
recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and the French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout
Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels
remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.

  ___._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.____._-fh-_.___

      Ah-the-eah the-eah That's All (for this week) Folks!


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[ End friday humour ]

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